May 25, 2008
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Fear and Regret
My dad looks increasingly fragile as the weeks go by. After our weekly dinner, I sometimes just sit
with him. During these times,
conversation can be a bit strained. He
keeps to himself a lot more. There
are many moments of silence and sometimes it can get awkward. I sense he doesn’t want to embarrass himself
when he forgets something. I asked him the other day if he wanted to move
back into his old room. He just shook
his head. He’s slowly cleaning up and
sorting the many, many books, magazines and newspapers. After all those years of asking him to do
something with them, he finally has done something. Yet I feel sad rather than relieved. I know this must be difficult for him.Eventually I know we’ll have to figure out the next level of
elder care for him. One evening, I was
going through my pile of magazines and came across an article in Time Magazine
(May 5th). The author, Nancy
Gibbs, was writing about death and dying.
There was one passage in the article that really resonated with me.She wrote: I asked a
doctor friend what makes the difference, once the battle is out of her
hands. “Fear,” she said, “and regret. Take those away, and what’s left is peace.”Suddenly some of the mist and fog that were covering my path
have started to clear.
Comments (23)
A pessimistic gynecologist once said in my class: Birth is the beginning of Death. We booed so unanimously and expressed disgust. How could he say such a thing as the person who helps in the labor process and brings new lives to Earth?
On quieter moments, I realize that what he said was true. Damn true. It is hard to grapple with this idea when one is well and healthy, but when one is on the other half of the line between birth and death, the inevitable is more pressing. One may also be humbled by the power of nature, and the helplessness of human beings, when we look at the recent tragedies around the world.
How can we deal with fear and regrets? I really don't have an answer. I guess they must be replaced with contentment and the knowledge that we are being cared for and valued. We are such social beings that we often base the judgment of ourselves on how others treat us. The craving for others' approval and inclusion is almost instinctive. Although we come and leave this world alone, the joy of life is shared with others in love, support, encouragement, laughter, and even tears.
May you be well and courageous.
Very touching, Matt. Perhaps the fear can be somewhat alleviated in the knowledge that you and your father are following a path that is as old as existence and is one thing that all people truly do share. As frightening as the process of death and dying is, we can know that we're not alone in it. With regards to regrets, while you cannot remake the past, there is still the opportunity to let the past change your future actions. As long as you hold this belief, you may find the comfort to let go of any regrets you may have. I hope that the mist and fog continue to evaporate and that you are left with peace.
@Blizzardi - More like, a pragmatic gynecologist. It seems like in many western cultures, we've become more insulated from death (I didn't attend my first funeral until something like age 12) and with the mass-marketing of beauty products and plastic surgery, et al, we're even becoming insulated from the realities of aging. All in all, I suspect that it is highly unhealthy for us as it makes the most natural of things - aging and death - into something all the more foreign and fearful.
I hate to be an ignorant about it but I still want to pretend for as long as possible that I don't have to worry or think about my parents getting old and one day pass away. =(
I can associate with what you're feeling...I watch my remaining parent, my Mom with these same fears ....it's difficult to deal with I know.. hugs
i miss my family, but i take some comfort in knowing that my sister is around, and will actually end up living down the street from my parents.
fear and regret are indeed very powerful emotions that can cloud our way. i think, though, that removing them from our lives is nearly impossible. instead, taking these emotions away may mean to learn how to accept and move past them; then we can achieve even greater peace.
RYC: Yup, it's a concert indeed. It was the Wynners 33 World Tour at Ricoh Colliseum~
So beautifully written Matt. Feel good and at peace that you are close by, and can see him regularly and touch him and talk to him. Some of us don't/didn't get to do that, and the regret lingers for decades...unforgettable and raw.
I am having similar experience. "Fear and regret" are definitely the two powerful words that I am feeling as well!
I am quite scared, to be honest, that I will most likely face this situation in the not too distant future. I actually try not to think about it too deeply, because it will probably be depressing.
But those words "fear" and "regret" are very powerful feelings...
I am always deeply moved when you speak of your father. I will be 68 this summer and while I am in good health, I know I will not be around forever. My sister is my what is left of my family and she has a family of her own. We are close but I still fear being alone when I become like the home in which I live - falling apart. I do not get depressed because most of the things on my "Bucket List" have been achieved. Strange as I too understand my old profs statement of beginning to die the first day we are born.
I scared I will be "regreat" at the end.
Scared ... I am not there yet, i dont know.
@christao408 - thanks... I was also thinking of what might or will be going through my dad's mind as well.
@Fatcat723 - my bucket list is overflowing. I guess that's good in some ways.
@ZSA_MD - thank you.
@vsan79 - don't be scared.
@twistedoff - I think as you grow older, your capacity to deal with this should change. Although for some people, these situations are immediately thrust upon them. Don't be scared.
Hello~``
I enjoy reading your entries, to be honest, i kinda read all the way back to your first entry~!
@.@
dont worry, i wont be knocking on your front door anytime soon
I hope your father would feel better...
i hate it when such things happen to people.
but.. that's life.
that's pretty poignant...
do take care, matt.
it is so different to me, totally....
guess what? i ever wanted him to leave us as early as possible
of course no regret...
ok anyway we have different father i would say =)
dont worry too much
RYC: I'd rob you if you were on that list!
I have to deal with a lot of elderly patients, at the nursing home I do music therapy in, who are going through the same situation of fearing death. It's hard for a lot of them because their families just leave them there, and they're left without a support group. As long as your father is surrounded by his loved ones, peace will come naturally.
I hope you're doing okay!
i had my share of being left and the worst part is i can't do a thing. i really don't understand how it connects with fear but i'll agree about acceptance that brings peace.
ryc: thanks for the message about the storm
i really appreciate that. you can say a down moment.
Facing the last phase of life cycle is not a pleasant task, as I had experienced while holding the dying hands of my spouse. Nevertheless, I cherished our pleasant moments and positive things we learned together!
ryc: hahaa.....thanks for the well wishes!!
That make me think of my dad! I miss him so much! It was very hard to watch him fade away also, but not much I could do. Now I try my best to make sure my mom is ok.
I try. how are u ?
Hope all is well with you...thought of you last night when I took my Mom to the hospital, she's fine just the arthritis....have a great weekend.. 'Til The Next
How are you doing?
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