sleep

  • Soothing Sounds of Friendship

    Some time ago I found this free app from Ipnos Soft for my laptop.  It plays relaxing sounds and I’ve been falling asleep a lot faster.  I set it on a 30 minute timer and I have yet to hear it end.  I pick a combination of water, waves, rain, waterfalls and heavy rain type sounds.  At first I thought this was going to be corny.  But now I’m hooked.  I tried going without it the other night but it wasn’t the same. So every night, I bring my laptop to my bedroom and set it on a night stand.  I’ll read a bit and have the sound of water / rain in the background.  In less than half an hour, I’m asleep.  Now I tried one time during the day while I was working and I started to nod off. 

    I thought maybe I should do something similar.  I’ll record my voice – it’s very monotonous.  Maybe I’ll read some of my old entries and some of your comments too.  I’m sure some of my entries will have you guys snoring in no time.  I always thought I had a decent voice until I heard myself.  It was a recording I had done on my campus radio station.  I think I was reading the news or some other announcement.  It sounded choppy and tinged with an accent.  Someone once told me he thought I had a touch of an English accent.  Me?  Maybe one of these days I’ll record an entry and let you guys hear what I sound like.  But I’m sure that will identify me immediately through some voice print program. 

    Actually this rambling entry is not what it seems.  I got a call yesterday from a long time friend.  I haven’t seen him in years.  He lived out west and I know he moved to the US.  But he used to travel to Toronto on business and we would get together for dinner or for congee.  The conversation was easy and I’ve always enjoyed our time together.  We’re both very open about things in our lives.  I found out he moved to the US last year.  He told me yesterday that both he and his wife enjoy California a lot.  I was glad he called and it brought a smile to my face when I heard his voice.  He flew up here as part of Air Canada’s 75th anniversary and saw the Dreamliner (sigh… I would have slept with a oversexed elephant to get on that plane.)  He was on his way out.  I told him I had thought about him and figured after a long absence our friendship had finally faded away.  It’s hard finding good friends and it’s even harder keeping good friends.  He is back in town for a visit later on in the year.  It’ll be good to share some congee with him after all these years. 

    /* correction on AC’s anniversary, thanks Franco!

  • Just Another Night

    I crawled into bed after a long day and closed my eyes.  Before I could even turn off the lights, she showed up again.  I could feel the mattress shift as she got on the bed.  Her breath smelled of stale beer and coffee.  She leaned over and whispered into my ear “Are you trying to get some sleep?”  I rolled over to the other side hoping to ignore her.  She climbed over me “Mattie – are you playing hard to get?”  I gave her a shove and reached for a book.  But she won’t go away “Aww are you ignoring me?  What are you reading?  Is it interesting?  Or is it boring?  Like you perhaps?”  I glared at her. 

    “So Matt, what would you like to discuss with me?”  I can chat for hours.”  I drew a deep breath and muttered “Why don’t you just leave me alone.  Why the hell are you attracted to me?”  This time that girlish voice turned serious. “I’m a sucker for guys like you.  I’ve got lots of time to spend with you.  Why don’t we go over all those things you need to do at work.  Tsk tsk… I don’t know how you’ll ever get all that work done.”  I cringed and thought about the crap that I have to go through every day.  By the end of each day I have to unclench my jaw. “I can handle work – it’s not a problem.”  “Oh really Matt?  You’re good at what you do but it doesn’t excite you.  Do you really feel motivated?  How’s the job security?  You must be worried.”  I stared back at her and said “If they lay me off, they’ll be doing me a favour.  At least I’ll get some severance.” 

    She nodded in agreement.  “And what will you do with that free time?  Oh right… you’re the filial son.  You’re going to look after your dad.  That’s so admirable.”  I looked away.  But she chuckled, put her finger on my chin and pulled my head back to face her.  “That’s a cheap shot isn’t it?  How do you handle the guilt of not looking after your dad as you try to balance work… in a job you don’t like?”  I clenched my fist and yelled  “Why don’t you go f*ck yourself and leave me alone.”  She sneered at me and laughed.  “Oh Mattie – you’re so adorable when you’re angry.  What sex toys do you have in your bedroom that I can use to f*ck myself with?” 

    I stormed out of bed, went to the living room and turned on the TV.  In a moment, the late night sports channel was showing the Top 10 highlights of the evening.  At least TV can be mind numbing.  But as I was getting comfortable, she walked in front of the TV and stood there.  I tried to peer around her.  “Get out of the way!”  But she reached over and grabbed the remote control.  “We have so much to chat about.  Relationships, sexual hangups, health issues, friends, lack of friends, money, major purchases, career goals, life goals, … oh the list is just endless!”  I walked to the kitchen to grab some water.  But I could feel her following me.  I heard a rattling noise and turned around.  “Are you looking for your meds?”  She had them in her hands and was rattling the medicine bottle.  “Here – catch!”  She tossed it at me and I lunged for it.  It was almost empty.  I took a tablet and gulped it down with some water.  She reached over to me and grabbed me gently from behind.  “You can’t ignore me forever.”  I stared into her eyes.  It was filled with pain and angst.  I almost felt sorry for her. She whispered “I can keep you company until the pills take effect. Besides, you’ll have to get up in a couple of hours.”

    She lived up to her words.  She kept filling my heads with many thoughts and stirred them around and around.  I slowly fell asleep in her arms. 

  • Late Night Mumblings

    I honestly don’t know what to write about anymore.  My insomnia has returned.  I think that daylight saving time change did something.  I went out to grab some bread and milk for tomorrow’s breakfast.  There are always shoppers in this 24 hr store.  I wonder if they are like me or maybe they on shift work.  There’s usually just one cashier.  I lined up behind some hot Asian guy.  He had a bunch of frozen food, pop, gum in his cart.  He must be single or too lazy to cook.  The guy behind me must have noticed him too.  I could hear him breathing on my neck.  I slowly turned sideways and he backed up.  HAG (hot Asian guy) does have a girl friend … she popped out of nowhere to protect her knight.  They walked very slowly while he was texting.  I caught up with them near the exit.  I just knew he would be driving some hot sports car – a 2 door Bimmer, I couldn’t tell if it was a 3 series or the 6 series.  Why do hot guys with hot chicks drive hot cars?  I mulled over this as I drove away in my trusty old Civic.  Life isn’t fair. 

    It’s almost 1:30 AM.  If tonight is like the other nights, it’ll be several more hours before I sleep.  The last couple of evenings I’ve been reading Wayson Choy’s book “Not Yet: A Memoir of Living and Almost Dying”.  I’ve been wanting to read this for some time and saw it on sale last week.  (yeah… I can be a bit on the cheap side).  I love the concise but vivid style of writing he has.  But reading this book gave me many flashbacks to my mom’s last days in the hospital.  I wondered what she felt and what was going through her mind as she slowly slipped into a coma. I had to push those thoughts out of my head.  It’s time to move on … I repeat that refrain several times in my head.  I read until my eyes are tired.  Then I slowly ease myself to a few hours of sleep. 

    Just a few sips of sleep to quench this thirst… that’s all I need.

  • Come home now!

    I go to bed every night and wait for her to show up.  Sometimes she’ll come home around 2 and sometimes as late as 3.  Sometimes I’ll read for an hour or so before she returns.  Most of the time, I’ll lie down on the couch, watch TV and and wait.  She seems to sense my desperation and will come home earlier to be with me.  But she doesn’t like that though.  She’ll wake me up between 3AM and 4AM while she unleashes one last flurry of energy.  Most of the time, I’m able to sleep again.  She doesn’t really care if I don’t.  She doesn’t care if I have to wake up early for work. She just comes and goes as she pleases.  It’s just pathetic waiting for her to show up.  The clock on the wall shakes his head and quietly makes his point.  He never says “I told you so.”  He doesn’t need to.  He just shrugs his shoulders in the morning when I can’t hear him trying to wake me up.  By the time I get to work, the bags underneath my eyes look like big man tits. 

    Have any of you seen my Sleep?  She better not be playing with you folks when she should be home with me.  I tell myself I don’t really need her but I do.  It’s just for 7 hours a night.  I’m not that clingy.

  • I Got a Feeling That Tonight’s Gonna be a Good Night

    Tonight, I hope to go to bed with an old friend that I haven’t been with in a long time.  Sometimes he shows up late and leaves early.  Sometimes I get up in the middle of the night, reach over and find that he’s already gone.  It’s been awhile since I’ve gone to bed with him.  I like to wake up feeling recharged, thankful and blessed.  Then I’ll reach over and smile at the sleepy head.

    Sometimes I have to drink some hot milk to get in the mood with him.  Then I follow up with some easy reading.  A few times I’ve had to take medication.

    I hope to meet my old friend soon – Sleep.  I just want to wrap my arms around him and enjoy him.  I’m not sharing him with anyone tonight.  I hope you understand.

    Off to bed… peace everyone.

  • Got Insomnia?

    Insomnia,
    I’m on to ya.
    You’re like an unwelcome guest
    depriving me of my rest.

    You’re driving me nuts.
    I just want to kick you in the nuts.
    You’re a creep,
    why don’t you let me sleep?

    Yep… it’s been like this the past week(s).  It’s past 2 AM now. 
    I had to take a pill tonight.  I can’t handle another sleepless night.

  • A Bit of Pondering

    I think I’ve forgotten how to write.  I’ve been blogging sporadically these recent weeks.  Now I know why some how easy it is to let your blog become comatose.   It’s getting close to my bedtime.  It’s my nightly war with sleep.  No matter how tired I am, my brain just comes alive around this time.  It’ll take another hour or two before I can sleep.  My alarm will ring just before 6.  My body has somehow gotten used to this.  I try to sleep in a bit on the weekends.

    You know, I was just thinking about your blogs.  How representative is it of you?  We’re all complex creatures.  Does your blog capture who you are?  Or is it a tiny slice of who you really are?   If you met me, what do you think I’m like? 

  • O Sleep, Sleep! wherefore art thou Sleep?

    I have this love / hate relationship with sleep.  It hasn’t come easily for me.  By the time I hit the sack, my brain would  put on a show.  There’s drama, serious commentary, lots of thinking mixed in with worrying.  My conscience would also take to stage as well taking advantage of the situation.  I lie there, an audience of one, hostane to my brain.  Sometimes I would get 4 to 5 hours of sleep.  I try to ignore the show and read.  It works every so often but the sleep isn’t a rich, deep sleep.  By the time weekend rolls in, I can be exhausted.  I also don’t sleep in well.  Once I wake up – that’s pretty well it. 

    When I head off to my bf’s place in the weekend, sometimes I would take a nap in his bed with him curled up beside me.  I’m sure he finds it a bit strange.  I crave sleep druing the day and when night comes – it remains elusive.  It’s a cruel game of playing hard to get.  Some of my best sleeps have come in my futon.  I would spend the first night there, wake up and trudge to my bed until the morning.  It’s unconventional and I have no idea why it works.  But it’s not a solution. 

    I took this past week off.  I didn’t even turn on my laptop to check on email.  Most people at work do that so there are no surprises when they go back to work.  I know I’ll have to spend a few hours today preparing for next week.  But this week I got some pretty good sleep – up to 8 hours.  Yes, I can see the relationship.  It’s not lost on me. I thought sleep was simple.  I mean, you get rid of clutter in your room, keep it cool, dark… have a nice warm shower, a hot glass of milk, a bit of reading and voila… sleep arrives and carries you off to dreamland.

    By coincidence I had an appointment a few days ago with my doctor.  My doctor isn’t one that prescribes meds easily.  Ironically some of the best naps I’ve had are in her waiting room.  She laughs when I tell her that.  But she listened attentively when I told her about my misadventures in sleeping.  She gave me a prescription and answered all my questions about potential side effects.  She also described some of the recent studies about sleep and depression.

    Last night when I got home, I stared at the small bottle of pills.  My brain started to come to life.  I wanted to read, write and of course think.  I took out one pill and was surprised how small it was.  I swallowed it and went to bed.  I was alseep in less than 40 minutes.  When I woke up, I scrambled to look at the time.  I was worried  I slept the entire day away.  Thankfully it was only 8:30.  

    It’s 12:10 in the afternoon now .  My head still feels a bit heavy.  I’ve finished 3 cups of tea so far. I don’t feel like doing my chores.  I just feel a bit strange to join so many out there who take sleeping pills / aids.  I never thought I would one day do this. 

    D_6357

     

  • Counting sheep

    Lately, I’ve been dreading the midnight hour.  My body wants to sleep but my mind
    doesn’t.  I usually read for a while and
    eventually fall asleep.  Most of the time
    I’ll then wake up again and start to toss and turn.  Sometimes I’ll watch a bit of TV and then
    fall asleep.  Since the TV is in my
    living room, I just lie down on my couch and before I know it, I’m in slumber
    land.  I’ll then wake up sometime around
    4 AM, turn off the TV and then go to my bed.

    It sounds bizarre but it works.  Sometimes when I’m sleeping in my bed, I’ll
    turn the lights on.  I’m not scared of
    sleeping in the dark.  But the light
    seems to give a sense of comfort that I had never sought before.  If I start to look for my old teddy bear, I’m
    gonna have to check into a sleep disorder clinic.

    It’s close to bedtime… ugh. 

    I’ll have to find a way to quiet my mind and just purge all those thoughts and worries that have accumulated during the day.