humor

  • Snippets

    Snippets:  (noun) mini blog entries; what you write when you don’t have enough for a full blog entry; tidbits from a derange mind 

    1.  I was driving to work on a quiet early morning and came across the first traffic light.  It had just turned red and I slowed my car to a stop at the intersection.  On the sidewalk to my right, there was a pigeon standing there at the corner.   He looked like he wanted to cross the street.  As the light turned green for the traffic going across from me, he walked into the intersection, crossing from my right to my left.  He stayed on the pedestrian lane markings and safely made it across.  It was one of the oddest things I’ve seen. 

    2.  The drivers in my city never cease to amaze me with their stupidity.  I was in the passing lane overtaking a few slow poke cars when I noticed a police car with lights flashing way back in my rear view mirror.  I knew he wasn’t after me because I was only going 10 kph above the speed limit.  But in order to move to the right, I had to overtake a few cars.  So I gunned it, passed the cars and moved to the middle lane.  The police car sped past me.  I stayed in the middle lane.   A couple of cars that were ahead of me on the left lane also quickly moved into the middle lane except for a family van.  There wasn’t a shoulder on the van’s left – just a couple of feet before the cement barrier.  So the driver decided to just stop his van.  The police car slammed on his brakes and honked.  The cars on the middle lane had to stop to let the police car into the middle lane so it could get around the van.  I guess the driver either panicked or was confused.  But it almost caused an easily avoidable accident.  I easily overtook the van and continued.  But in a further show of stupidity, that van eventually caught up with me and this time was easily doing 120kph to 130kph on the left lane. 

    3.  One of my phobias is height.  I’m deathly afraid of heights in an open area (e.g. a ski lift).  I’m fine in an airplane and reasonably comfortable in the elevator on the CN Tower.  I’m ok looking down from a building.  But put me out in the open and I become a zombie.  Neurons and synapses misfire.  I don’t blink. 
    I might even start to growl.  If you put me in a roller coaster, I won’t scream.  I’ll just close my eyes and go “oh f……” during the entire ride (in a very high pitch voice). 

    4.  There’s quite a few interesting folks here in Xanga.  Sometimes I wish I could secretly spy on you folks to see what you do in a typical day.  If you’re reading this entry, I just transmitted a virus to your computer.  It’ll turn on your webcam (the light won’t come on) and I’ll be spying on you.  

    5.  If it has wheels, I’ll want to race it.  Shopping carts, lawn mowers, wheel chairs… bring it on!  I’ll bite, snarl, pinch, spit, growl to get in front of you.  Once in front, I’ll fart causing you to convulse and fall further behind.  I fear no one.  I’ve been banned from many supermarkets.  The Chinese supermarkets are the toughest ones for me.  The little old ladies don’t hesitate to run over my ankles from behind to get ahead.  C’mon po po… that’s not fair. 

    Uhm… ok, that’s enough for now. 

  • Would You Hire Me to Write Your Blog?

    I’ve been a bit more active in the stock market in the past few months.  I just want my modest retirement fund to be well, a little less modest.  So I dipped into my even more modest savings account and put some of that money into the stock market.  I’ve been looking to see what else I can do to earn more money.  Would you hire me to write your blog?  Here are my rates (currency is in Canadian dollars, all rates are subject to change).

    Pulse:  $1
    Small blog entry:  $10
    Medium blog entry:  $20
    Lengthy, long winded blog where I write a lot but don’t say anything:  $25
    Tear jerker blogs:  25% surcharge
    Any blogs that gets Featured – add 25%
    Any blog that gets into the Exlpore section – add 15%
    Blogs with pictures:  add $2 for every picture I supply
    Same day requests:  depends on my mood
    Bulk rates:  let’s talk

  • Snippets

    1)  London Calling!
    At dinner in a restaurant one evening, the Clash’s London Calling  started to play in the background.  I started to nod my head and absentmindedly sing along.  Then it quickly dawned on me.  What was one of the biggest punk rock anthems back then is now simply dinner music.  London Calling was the title track from the double album of the same name.  The album had a wonderful mixture of punk, ska, rock and even rockabilly with biting social commentary.  It was probably one of the Clash’s best work ever.  Dinner music … hmmph! 

    2) I got paid
    a)  It was a good day for laundry.  The washer and dryer did not steal any of my socks.  My undies came through without any new holes.  These mean machines always threaten my underwear.  “I’m gonna rip you a new a**hole.” is one their favorite lines and they mean it.  But today, those 2 brutes were generous and even gave me some loose change back.  It wasn’t much but I was grateful. 

    b)  At the end of a somewhat frisky session at my bf’s bed, I looked around for my watch, wallet, cellphone and stuff.  While I was putting them back in my pockets, my bf handed me the loose change that was scattered on his bed. 
    I looked at the money in mock horror.   “That’s it?  Just 65 cents for that session?” 
    “Well- this wasn’t as good or as long as the last time.  The bar has been raised.”  He gave me a cheesy smile. 
    I love it when we tease each other like this.  I always get a chuckle when we have these little exchanges.

    3)  Inspired by Mom
    It’s tough cooking for my dad.  He can get bored of food rather quickly.  Sometimes I don’t have a clue what to make for him on Sundays.  While we eat out almost every Sunday night, I spend most of the afternoon making soup and usually a dish so he has some home cooked food during the week.  Inevitably I’ll get an idea out of the blue.  It’s usually simple dishes like white daikon radish (lo bak) with some dried shrimps or roast pork steamed with ginger and a bit of shrimp paste.  These are dishes that my mom would have made to spur his appetite.  It’s always comforting to me to still have this connection to my mom. 

    I hope everyone had a good start to the week.  

  • Things I don’t undesrstand

    1.  Bad drivers:  do you really know how bad you are?  Hasn’t someone honked at you, slam on their brakes because of you or flick their high beams at you?  How the heck did you ever become so bad at driving?


    2.  Cyclists who ride without helmets, lights and any reflective gear.  You must have a death wish.  You’re just lucky I’m not granting any wishes today. 

    3.  Miley Cyrus, Jonas Brothers and High School Musical (any of them).

    4.  All those TV shows with entertainment news and gossip.  Why would we want to know what celebrities are doing in their own time?  Who cares if so and so got drunk?  Are their lives really that much more interesting than ours? 

    5.  Reality TV shows (e.g. Paris Hilton’s British Best Friend; talk shows that test 5 guys that have slept with some girl in order to find the biological father, the show who stalk cheaters…)   If Obama can put an end to torture, why can’t he ban these types of shows?

    6.  Star Trek – despite having bleeding edge technology, why don’t they have shoulder harnesses or seat belts?  The guys on the bridge get jolted out of their seats all the time. 

    7.  Stock Market – I understand capital losses very well.  While I’ve experienced the odd capital gain here and there… I want to know what it’s like to experience this regularly.

    8.  Xanga front pages – for the most part, I can’t relate to the blogs that grace Xanga’s front pages.  Some of the most popular ones just leave me scratching my head.  Seriously – these are the most popular writers that Xanga has? 

     

    ed note:  corrected spelling error in Miley’s name

  • My corny humor

    Sometimes I don’t know how my bf puts up with my corny jokes.  But I’ve always believed having a sense of humor is important.  I use it effectively at work to help smooth things over.  Here’s one of the corny things that I do with my bf.

    My bf is the numbers guy and in his job – he deals with
    business cases, financial results and all those things that go blurry in front
    of my eyes.  Ledger, credits, debits,
    accruals – these have no meaning to me.  Unless
    of course, you want to make a deposit into my bank account.     

    So I tease him with nonsensical things. 

     “I have a great idea.”

    He rolls his eyes “Uhm… ok, what is it?”

    In a very serious tone, I tell him  “I’m surprised no one has thought of this yet.  I had to think out of the box.”

    He hangs on to the steering wheel as he’s driving.  “Go ahead… I’m listening.”  But I know he’s thinking “Oh gawd… pls make this quick.  I hope I don’t hit something or someone when I’m listening to him.”

    “Well, you know how people have to pay lawyers and others to
    be the executors of their will?”

     “Yeah?”

    “I’m going to show people how to save money. They can be the
    executors of their own will – cut out the middle man and save lots of money!  No one else has thought of that!  Now that’s thinking outside of the box.” 

    He shakes his head while I laugh like crazy. 
    * * * * * * *

    We also have this routine when we go grocery shopping.  The Chinese supermarket we go to charges $1
    as a deposit for their cart (yeah – I know, it’s outrageous!).  I always let him get the cart so he can pay with his loonie. But I always return the
    cart.   So you’d think I have been earning lots of money by returning the cart.  Well, so far I’ve only made $1 in god knows how many years.  That’s only because someone left a loonie in the cart and didn’t know how to get it out.  I could walk back into his car buck naked and he wouldn’t notice.  He would be waiting for that loonie.  I could blab about something to distract him
    and he won’t start the engine until the loonie hits the little coin box.  Sometimes I will say “clink” and pretend that
    I’ve thrown the loonie into the coin box but that hasn’t worked either.   I know,  it’s silly but it  helps breaks some of the monotony when we do chores together. 

    Ok – I think I can see everyone rolling their eyes.

    Here are some food pics.  This is from the recent Ribfest out in Mississauga.  It was ok – I had higher expectations. 

                                                                                                         
                                                                                                        
      

                                                                                                       

    Ok – this isn’t rib but I’ve been making use of my little herb garden.  This is just pasta and shrimp in a tomato sauce (from the farmer’s market).   The string beans are also from the farmer’s market.