“Matt – let’s read.  We always read something before we go to sleep.”

“Yes but it’s almost 2AM!  I’ve got a lot of things that I wanted to get done tomorrow.”  I said.

“You always read a bit to relax and to tire your eyes.  Otherwise, you can’t sleep.”

I cringed.  “Ok – but no more than 30 minutes.”

An hour later,  I was still wide awake.

“Matt, do you want to play Scrabble on your phone?”

“It’s past 3!  I really need to sleep.”

“You can always take your pills.”

“I can but I don’t want to.  I always feel so tired in the morning.  But maybe some Scrabble will unscramble my mind.”  I said.

After a couple of futile rounds, I checked my Instagram feed, liked a bunch of photos, checked the news and read some more.  By the time I rolled over, I noticed it was starting to get bright outside.  I knew it was past 4:30AM but I hoped the light was just the streetlamp.  I somehow got to sleep and woke up around 10:30 AM.  It took an hour before I made it to the shower. I didn’t bother shaving today.  I didn’t want to eat breakfast at home so I walked to a nearby coffeeshop and gulped down some caffeine.

I get stressed every night when I go to bed.  I go through variations of this ritual.  Some nights, I’m fortunate and can sleep within 30 minutes.  Last night was one of the longer bouts of insomnia.   Now the day is almost over and I just feel like I wasted the entire day.

*Note: I wrote this on Tuesday July 1st.

Every night I stalk and chase you like a hunter.  You always play hard to get.   I curse, plead, cajole, bargain, negotiate and beg.  You eventually give in and I finally wrap my arms around you.  But it’s like sex without any pleasure.  And you don’t even spend a full 8 hours with me.  I hate you for that.  You make the nights even lonelier than it needs to be.

Did I piss you off in a previous life?  Did I spurn you?  Can we make peace?  Why must you torment me?

I just want to sleep.

I dreamt that I had broken into an abandoned school with 2 other people.  We were looking for supplies when the zombies showed up.  I couldn’t believe it – how come none of us had any weapons?  We ran through the hallways and hid in a room.  It didn’t take long for the zombies to find us.  They broke through the door and started to come for us.  I screamed out “Beam us up now!”  My dreamed ended just as I was being beamed up.   I am glad I watched enough Star Trek to figure out how to get out of another zombie attack.  It’s too bad I didn’t get to meet Jean Luc Picard.  But from now on, I’m bringing my axe with me to sleep.  

Speaking of Walking Dead.  Did anyone notice the new Asian character (Tim) who is part of the Governor’s team? 

The actor is Lawrence Kao.  His YouTube channel is here.  It’s just good to see another Asian character in the show.   

It’s almost 3AM.  Hopefully I’ll be able to sleep and wake up by 6:30.  

I need to be awake in about 4 hours.  Insomnia is a slow form of torture.  I’m sure I’ll eventually go crazy from the lack of sleep.  Maybe it’ll take months or hopefully years.  By then the zombie apocalypse will happen.  I’ll be with a gang of survivors and someone will say:  “Matt will take the night watch – he never sleeps!”  I’ll guard the camp with my sword and a gun.  I can picture myself with a mean looking scowl – meaner than Clint Eastwood’s.  My body will be lean and buff.  My pristine white tshirt will be barely able to contain my biceps, triceps, deltoids and all those other muscles which I’ve forgotten from Biology class.  

In other news, everyone in my family is sick from some bug.  If they aren’t coughing, they are sneezing.  I have the sniffles and so far it’s starting to fade away. I don’t like hanging around sick people but duty calls. 

What’s interesting is that I suddenly remembered that dad also suffers from insomnia.  I remember he would stay up reading till the wee hours of the night.  Maybe I inherited this gene or trait.  My siblings don’t have this problem.  I told my brother a couple of years ago that I sometimes take pills at night to sleep.  He laughed and jokingly said that’s what booze is for. I crave sleep more than I crave food or sex.  A good night’s sleep is like drinking a cold glass of water in a desert.  Maybe in a few days, I’ll write a more coherent and intelligent entry.

I saw this in a store window (excuse the reflections on the window).  I have no idea what this poster is about.  But it’s a bit of what I go through when I can’t sleep.  There is this frenzy of thoughts that materialize causing my brain to go into overdrive.   Every single worry, to do, ideas, stray thoughts, what ifs, regrets, fantasies all take their turn in this freeway of uncontrolled brain activity.  Some nights, I’m still awake at 3 AM.  I think I’m going insane.

As I’m writing this, I just realize those “speech balloons” look like bloated sperm.  I wonder what I’ll dream about tonight. 

I crawled into bed after a long day and closed my eyes.  Before I could even turn off the lights, she showed up again.  I could feel the mattress shift as she got on the bed.  Her breath smelled of stale beer and coffee.  She leaned over and whispered into my ear “Are you trying to get some sleep?”  I rolled over to the other side hoping to ignore her.  She climbed over me “Mattie – are you playing hard to get?”  I gave her a shove and reached for a book.  But she won’t go away “Aww are you ignoring me?  What are you reading?  Is it interesting?  Or is it boring?  Like you perhaps?”  I glared at her. 

“So Matt, what would you like to discuss with me?”  I can chat for hours.”  I drew a deep breath and muttered “Why don’t you just leave me alone.  Why the hell are you attracted to me?”  This time that girlish voice turned serious. “I’m a sucker for guys like you.  I’ve got lots of time to spend with you.  Why don’t we go over all those things you need to do at work.  Tsk tsk… I don’t know how you’ll ever get all that work done.”  I cringed and thought about the crap that I have to go through every day.  By the end of each day I have to unclench my jaw. “I can handle work – it’s not a problem.”  “Oh really Matt?  You’re good at what you do but it doesn’t excite you.  Do you really feel motivated?  How’s the job security?  You must be worried.”  I stared back at her and said “If they lay me off, they’ll be doing me a favour.  At least I’ll get some severance.” 

She nodded in agreement.  “And what will you do with that free time?  Oh right… you’re the filial son.  You’re going to look after your dad.  That’s so admirable.”  I looked away.  But she chuckled, put her finger on my chin and pulled my head back to face her.  “That’s a cheap shot isn’t it?  How do you handle the guilt of not looking after your dad as you try to balance work… in a job you don’t like?”  I clenched my fist and yelled  “Why don’t you go f*ck yourself and leave me alone.”  She sneered at me and laughed.  “Oh Mattie – you’re so adorable when you’re angry.  What sex toys do you have in your bedroom that I can use to f*ck myself with?” 

I stormed out of bed, went to the living room and turned on the TV.  In a moment, the late night sports channel was showing the Top 10 highlights of the evening.  At least TV can be mind numbing.  But as I was getting comfortable, she walked in front of the TV and stood there.  I tried to peer around her.  “Get out of the way!”  But she reached over and grabbed the remote control.  “We have so much to chat about.  Relationships, sexual hangups, health issues, friends, lack of friends, money, major purchases, career goals, life goals, … oh the list is just endless!”  I walked to the kitchen to grab some water.  But I could feel her following me.  I heard a rattling noise and turned around.  “Are you looking for your meds?”  She had them in her hands and was rattling the medicine bottle.  “Here – catch!”  She tossed it at me and I lunged for it.  It was almost empty.  I took a tablet and gulped it down with some water.  She reached over to me and grabbed me gently from behind.  “You can’t ignore me forever.”  I stared into her eyes.  It was filled with pain and angst.  I almost felt sorry for her. She whispered “I can keep you company until the pills take effect. Besides, you’ll have to get up in a couple of hours.”

She lived up to her words.  She kept filling my heads with many thoughts and stirred them around and around.  I slowly fell asleep in her arms. 

I honestly don’t know what to write about anymore.  My insomnia has returned.  I think that daylight saving time change did something.  I went out to grab some bread and milk for tomorrow’s breakfast.  There are always shoppers in this 24 hr store.  I wonder if they are like me or maybe they on shift work.  There’s usually just one cashier.  I lined up behind some hot Asian guy.  He had a bunch of frozen food, pop, gum in his cart.  He must be single or too lazy to cook.  The guy behind me must have noticed him too.  I could hear him breathing on my neck.  I slowly turned sideways and he backed up.  HAG (hot Asian guy) does have a girl friend … she popped out of nowhere to protect her knight.  They walked very slowly while he was texting.  I caught up with them near the exit.  I just knew he would be driving some hot sports car – a 2 door Bimmer, I couldn’t tell if it was a 3 series or the 6 series.  Why do hot guys with hot chicks drive hot cars?  I mulled over this as I drove away in my trusty old Civic.  Life isn’t fair. 

It’s almost 1:30 AM.  If tonight is like the other nights, it’ll be several more hours before I sleep.  The last couple of evenings I’ve been reading Wayson Choy’s book “Not Yet: A Memoir of Living and Almost Dying”.  I’ve been wanting to read this for some time and saw it on sale last week.  (yeah… I can be a bit on the cheap side).  I love the concise but vivid style of writing he has.  But reading this book gave me many flashbacks to my mom’s last days in the hospital.  I wondered what she felt and what was going through her mind as she slowly slipped into a coma. I had to push those thoughts out of my head.  It’s time to move on … I repeat that refrain several times in my head.  I read until my eyes are tired.  Then I slowly ease myself to a few hours of sleep. 

Just a few sips of sleep to quench this thirst… that’s all I need.

I go to bed every night and wait for her to show up.  Sometimes she’ll come home around 2 and sometimes as late as 3.  Sometimes I’ll read for an hour or so before she returns.  Most of the time, I’ll lie down on the couch, watch TV and and wait.  She seems to sense my desperation and will come home earlier to be with me.  But she doesn’t like that though.  She’ll wake me up between 3AM and 4AM while she unleashes one last flurry of energy.  Most of the time, I’m able to sleep again.  She doesn’t really care if I don’t.  She doesn’t care if I have to wake up early for work. She just comes and goes as she pleases.  It’s just pathetic waiting for her to show up.  The clock on the wall shakes his head and quietly makes his point.  He never says “I told you so.”  He doesn’t need to.  He just shrugs his shoulders in the morning when I can’t hear him trying to wake me up.  By the time I get to work, the bags underneath my eyes look like big man tits. 

Have any of you seen my Sleep?  She better not be playing with you folks when she should be home with me.  I tell myself I don’t really need her but I do.  It’s just for 7 hours a night.  I’m not that clingy.