worklife balance

  • Deep Sigh

    I took a walk after work to get some air.  I thought the walk would brighten my mood a bit but it didn’t.   I dropped a letter in the mailbox.  Everyone on the street seemed to have a specific place to go.  The restaurants were slowly filling up.  The sport bar was getting busy for tonight’s hockey game.  I did a bit of window shopping, looking at eye glasses, clothes, shoes and food.  I notice a lot more Asian guys in my neighbourhood now… young, good looking and stylish.  One walked past me and I could smell his Gatsby hair gel.  But my mind wasn’t on eye candies tonight. 

    I went to the park and sat down on a bench.  The air was getting cool but still comfortable.  I thought about work.  I took out my camera and felt sad that I haven’t played with it for some time.  I debated going to a coffee shop to read.  But I already have insomnia and even the smell of coffee will keep me up.  I looked at a group of women exercising in the park. Maybe I should join them and get in shape.  The evening air started to get a bit colder.  Should I pick up some food, drop in for a quick bite or should I cook?  I past a few restaurants.  I didn’t feel like spending any money tonight.  I decided to go home instead.

    On my way, I past by the mailbox again.  The letter I dropped off was for the renewal of my dad’s lawn care service.  He got very worked up on the weekend about the dandelions and the length of the grass.  There was some dandelions but it wasn’t the end of the world.  When I got home on Sunday, I found the renewal form from the lawncare people in my dad’s pile of letters that I keep for him.  I called them on Monday and left a message.  They called back and said they are already booked for the summer but will squeeze my dad in because he is a previous customer.  I called my dad to let him know.  He sounded pleased.  The next day my sister emailed me.  Dad is very agitated about the lawn.  My dad kept trying to phone me but I was in meetings.  I called him back.  “The dandelions have now covered the front lawn.  Can they send someone over now to pluck them out?”  I called the lawn service back again.  No they don’t pick out dandelions.  But I added the service for fertilizing and weed control.  I called my dad back today. He sounded stressed out.  “When will they show up? The grass is very long!”  I told him they are trying to squeeze him in as they are booked up for the summer already.  “What do you mean squeeze me in?  When will they do that?”  I told him not to worry but they will show up.  He grumbled and muttered something.

    So this is my dad’s world.  Instead of worrying about his health, his swollen feet or his hygiene, he worries about the front lawn.  Deep sigh.  I went back to my condo, cooked some scrambled eggs for dinner and went back to work.  Maybe I’ll feel useful.

     

  • Turn turn turn

    I’ve whined a lot about work.  I don’t have my manager’s backing and from what I can tell, he doesn’t trust me anymore.  I should have planned my exit strategy earlier and not try to stick it out.  There’s a difference in not giving up and walking away from a deteriorating situation.  When I leave I want to do it on my terms and hopefully in a positive manner.  I’m tired of the long hours.  I don’t want to wake up nervous about what the day will be like. 

    When I pray at night (on those nights when I feel weak), I pray for the strength to see me through this and to help me find my way. 

    Thanks to all of you who have given me words of comfort, encouragement and support.

     

  • Chained to Work

    The stress from work hasn’t let up.  The small team I work in is short staffed and it looks like it’ll remain that way for a few more months.  I work almost every night now including a few hours on the weekends.  One of my colleagues has retired.  He told me he was glad he retired on his on terms and didn’t get laid off.  We shared the same sense of humour and despite our very different backgrounds, we got along very well.  He listened when I had to vent, helped pushed back on management and provided some common sense advice.  My manager caught me off guard the other day when he asked me how long I still want to do this job.  I said a year or two at the most.  When I look around my company, I don’t really see a lot of good jobs.  But I think I need to reboot my network and see what is out there.  I just feel so fatigued and depressed by work.

     

     

  • Insight

    While I was traveling last week, I had some odd moments of “insight”.  It’s an odd feeling, almost as if someone was trying to tell me something.  On the flight to Ottawa, I was reading my book.  When I looked out the window, I noticed the clouds below had gradually parted.  I saw many shades of green, brown and yellow with some sprinkling of red.  Rivers, ponds and small lakes were scattered throughout.  I put down the book and marveled at the show. There were farms with their fields like patches on a quilt.  The fields were mostly squares and rectangles with fuzzy borders.  Many had jagged boundaries bordering rivers and trees.  I wanted to tell everyone on the plane to look out and enjoy the beauty.  Instead the subtle and demur nature show left me pondering – what am I doing here? 

    That evening, I walked to Parliament Hill.  The dark sandstone buildings looked so nice as they basked in the setting sun.  There were still some tourists laughing while posing for pictures.  I looked around but I knew I had to get dinner and start preparing for my customer meeting the next day.  I didn’t want to leave yet.   took one last, longing look at the sight before I went for dinner. It wasn’t a satisfying dinner even though the food was ok.  There was just the feeling of emptiness.

    There were also 2 taxi rides that week that caught my attention  As I left work early evening, I stood in the front door and waited for my cab.  A rain storm had just passed. The sun came out to play briefly before it set.  The air had this clean smell.  I found myself inhaling deeply as if the air was a drug.  It took awhile for the cab to show up but I didn’t mind.  The clouds were chasing each other in the sky and slowly changing shapes.  A crow was flying back and forth between trees.  The cab eventually showed up.  As he pulled out of the lot, he stopped in the middle of the street and asked how I wanted to get back to the hotel.  I shrugged and told him to just pick the fastest route.  He took a route that I never took before.  We passed corn fields with their wonderful shades of green.  At first I thought he was heading in the wrong direction but I decided to just enjoy the scenery.  There were joggers running beside the fields.  I wanted to join them but I won’t have lasted long.  Eventually the fields gave way to buildings and we were headed downtown. 

    On my last day, another cab driver took a different route to the airport.  We drove slowly along a park by the Rideau Canal. It was a slow drive and I absolutely enjoyed the scenic drive.  I’ve never taken this route before.  It just seemed surreal. The stress of the trip slowly melted away. 

    As I sit and write this entry, I’m under a fair bit of pressure from work.  I’m working every night lately.  It’s an empty feeling.  It’s unsettling when you hear your mgm’t team isn’t happy with you.  But there are still more signs.  At lunch time, I chance across an article, “If you had a week to live what would you do?”. And tonight, Coldplay was playing a free concert here in the city.  I watched the simulcast on the internet and tried to do some work.  I smiled when I recognized the intro to Fix You.  Instead Chris Martin sings a few lines from Amy Winehouse’s Rehab before launching in to Fix You. I thought of my first Xanga friend Kelvin.  These were 2 of his favorite musicians although Madonna was always his number 1 favorite.  The memories made me smile. I hope he’s happy and his soul is in peace. 

    “When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
    When you get what you want, but not what you need
    When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
    Stuck in reverse”

    Yes, I think I need lots of fixing.

     

     

  • Just another brick in the wall

    So I got chewed out by my mgm’t on Friday via email.  I’m sure I’ll get it face to face when I show up for work on Monday.  I think there’s a way to be constructive when providing feedback.  But the tone of those emails pretty well made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for anything.  I tell myself they too are under pressure and everyone’s work needs to be perfect.  I’ve been treated worse before by mgm’t.  But it’s been awhile since I’ve received a blasting like this. It’s almost like getting hauled up in front of class and being yelled at by your teacher.  I was never like this when I was a manager.

    I don’t know why I let work gnaw at me like this.  Maybe I’m just a bit more vulnerable now with all the other things that are going on.  It’s quarter end.  Souls and principles are usually shunted aside as we hunt for revenue. 

  • A Parent’s parent

    I’ve been working and staying at my dad’s place this week.  My sis is traveling on business.  It’s been tricky balancing work but it’s a quiet week (meeting wise) and most people attend meetings by phone anyways.  But it’s not comfortable working here and I have to walk around every hour to stretch my back.  My productivity is not that high when compared to working in an office so I work late to make up for it.  It just makes for long days. 

    I was also very apprehensive as there’s only one spare bed left in the house.  It’s my mom’s old bed.  I changed the sheets (even though it has been changed since she passed away years ago) and was grateful I could fall asleep there.  Dad is spoiled whenever I’m here.  I chat with him during my breaks, get him tea, fruits, towel to wipe his face, get his mail, do his laundry, pay his bills and give him gentle reminders to brush his teeth and take his meds.  He gets 3 full meals as well.  He looked sad when I told him I am leaving Thursday night.  He also wanted me to swing by next week on a certain day but I couldn’t.  He has a couple of folks over to visit him and he was hoping I could help make coffee.  So I’ll have to figure out what to do.

    It just overwhelming sometimes when I stay here.  There’s so much to do (e.g. cleaning, repairs) and I can’t get to any of them.  I keep telling myself I should enjoy the time I have with him.  It’s ironic.  I’ve always to have kids.  But my parenting skills are for my dad.