work life balance

  • Recharging

    I like the early Sunday mornings in my neighbourhood.  The sidewalk is sparse.  There are some joggers and dog owners.   The homeless are sitting on the park benches.  Gentrification has overlooked them.   They reclaim their ‘hood after the hipsters have left for the night.  I duck into a coffeeshop for my weekly luxury, a large soy milk latte.   I notice there is a geeky looking Asian guy with glasses sitting in the corner table.  His dark blue shirt is a nice contrast to his khaki shorts and red canvas shoes.  He is staring intently at his MacBook.  There is a small pile of papers on his right and a coffee on his left.   We glance at each other as I sit down on a table across from him.  It is a poor choice as he is off to my right and I am directly in his line of sight.  I can’t see him unless I turn my head to my right.

    But I’m not one that is usually gets noticed. I get out my book and settle down.  In a few moments, I was carried away into another world.   After 20 minutes of of reading, I started to feel guilty about taking so much time to relax.  But then in the background, I heard the Eagles “Take it Easy”.  So I do.  Another song by Arcade Fire catches my attention but I don’t remember the title.   I see movement on my right.  I glance at the Asian guy who has bent down to plug his laptop in.  I notice he has hairy legs.   I guess he’s going to be there for awhile.

    Soon I was lost in the rhythm of the coffee shop.  The coffee machines, the buzz of conversations and the music combine to create a mellow soundtrack.  As I sip the last of my latte, my mind start to turn to the chores for today.   One of it was to prep for my work on Monday.  It was discouraging to return to work after a week off.  I did get some chores done and got a lot of rest.  Doing nothing actually felt good.   It was expensive in one way.  I had a lot of work done on my car.  I wish I was like a car.  All I have to do is put in a new battery, replace parts and fluids and I would feel better.

  • Brief update

    It’s been incredibly busy at work.  I typically work every weekday evenings and half days on the weekends.  The other night, I was helping out on a proposal.  I finished at midnight and sent my version to someone on the west coast.  It was still 9PM over there.  He worked on it for a few more hours and sent it off to someone in Manila.  That person will put all the finishing touches and send it back to us first thing in the morning.  It’s a crazy world.   Most nights I just stumble into bed and immediately fall asleep.  I even woke up one morning with my shirt and jeans still on and my bedside lamp shining brightly.

    The year actually started off well.  I got reacquainted with the small gym in my condo.  I started to look for writing courses.   Then work sort of just took over as it usually does.  In the middle of this, I managed to survive another round of job cuts.  The myth of the work life balance.  Part of me wants to leave.  Part of me is too scared to.

  • Working hard or hardly working?

    My sister was telling me about a member of our extended family.  He works for the city.  He was telling my sister that they usually get an hour for lunch.  But if they don’t have any work scheduled after lunch, they just take 2 hours. My brother asked him on the average, how many hours he works in a day.  He said he puts in about 4 hours of work.  In his previous job as a store manager for a clothing chain, he would always come in early, stay late, make sure people who were scheduled showed up for work, dealt with all the store issues and never really had a holiday off.  He said it took him a few months to get used to this leisurely pace.  There’s no overtime unless it’s an emergency. 

    I was thinking about an ex colleague of mine in the IT industry.  He used to pull 60 hour weeks, worked weekends and was on call in the evenings.  He moved to another IT job in the government.  He is paid well and work moves a lot slower pace.  He can’t go any faster because the workforce is unionized.  So work is analyzed, debated, assigned before he gets work.  So he works for about half the day and busies himself with self education and other things. 

    In some ways, I’m happy that they have a lot better work life balance than I do. 

    But really – I don’t know how the government & unions can continue this type of work culture. 

    Life isn’t fair.  censored

     

  • Belief

    When I reflect on where I am in life right now, it’s not where I want it to be and more importantly where I need it to be.  My physical, emotional and mental health is so out of kilter.  Kachino left this for me – merci beaucoup.

    I remember my dreams.  There are so many things to do before I can set my life back on track again.  Maybe this is life’s way of jolting me out of my “comfort zone”.  If I can’t get the hint to move on, there’s nothing like pain and misery to prompt me to move.  It’s a kick in the ass when gentle hints won’t do.  There’s no sense wallowing in regret.  I can’t give up.  I know whatever happens, I can’t change overnight.  It’ll be small and sometimes painful steps moving forward. 

     

  • Stand Tall

    Thinking and writing about work makes me depressed.  I do think I need a different way of managing my manager.  Tips, suggestions and advice are welcomed.

    Although I am going through a difficult time at work, I remembered when I worked for another manager that was just as bad – if not worse.  I also think of all the crap my dad had to deal with when he first moved here.  The jobs he got were not what he was used to.  He was always told he didn’t have enough Canadian experience.   He had his share of being unemployed while figuring out how to keep a roof over our heads, feeding us and paying the bills.  I can’t imagine the stress and anxiety he and mom must have gone through.  The crap I go through now pales in comparison to what they went through.  Now I understand why my dad had a lot of problems sleeping.  He would always be up late reading.  I’m sure he was trying to forget his troubles and calm his mind.

    My cousin who recently transferred to San Fran is also working really long hours (up to 80 hrs / week).   I don’t know how he does it but I know he runs (I don’t).  I hope work starts to slow down soon for him.  It would be nice to chat with him again.

    I would also be remiss if I didn’t mention how appreciative I am of my friends here.  Thank you all.

     

     

     

  • Zombie at work

    I work around 60 to 70 hrs a week now.  This includes weekends.  It’s taken a toll on my health and emotional well being.  On Friday, J came over after work to cheer me up and drag me out to dinner.  We ended up at a French restaurant after walking around a bit.  I was so hungry I ate everything except for 1 small piece of bread.  It was a relaxing and quiet dinner.  I even had a glass of wine with dinner.  The next day,  I woke up early but got very sleepy and tired in the afternoon.  J came over and we picked up my cousin to grab a bite to eat.  It was good to chill out with my cousin and we all had a nice dinner with the usual jokes and insults flying all over the place.   

    At dinner tonight, dad sensed work was still bothering me but he was at a loss for advice.  I wish I had stayed longer after dinner to chat with him.  But I had to get back to my work. 

    Really, I’m a zombie now.  I have to be this way to put up with the crap.  I started to look around at different resources for career planning, job search and so on.  The most common advice is to find what I’m passionate about.  I stared at the screen and couldn’t come up with anything, not one thing.  That really scared me. Then I got angry with myself for letting this happen. 

    Does anyone want to hire an anonymous blogger? 

     

  • Family and Work

    I was talking with a colleague today about his work.  I don’t know him that well but we get along ok.  He is not an employee but rather a contractor.  I asked him if he’ll want to come back for another term.  He hesitated and wasn’t sure how to respond.  I told him I know he works a lot of long hours and he’ll need to take that into consideration if our company decides to extend his contract.  He pointed to the stickers on the cover of his laptop.  He told me his kids put them there. It’s his way to remember what is important.  Then he opened up a bit.  He works almost every evening past midnight.  He said it wasn’t unusual to be called a couple of times a night.  I told him I could relate a bit to those late night, early morning calls.  Sometimes it’s an irate client who will be raising hell to our execs.  It’s not easy. 

    He also said he tries to play with his 2 kids after dinner but sometimes he just falls asleep.  His kids just walk away when they hear him snoring.  He said he can’t help fall asleep.  But he said the worse thing is when he snaps at his kids.  He’ll be working and his kids will hang around him wanting to play.  He just feels horrible and very guilty afterwards.  His hands were animated as he was talking.  He looked down to his right as if his kids were right there.  

    When he looked back at me he said “I set aside one night for the kids now.”   I nodded in sympathy and told him  “Your family and health is more important than this contract.”  He smiled.  I told him my dad worked 6 1/2 days a week when I was growing up.  I only saw him on Sunday afternoons.  I could relate to what his kids were going through. 

    I hope my colleague makes the right decision.  He’s an asset to our company.  But he’s a more important asset to his family.

    We finished our meeting at 5PM.  He ran off to another meeting while I went back to my cubicle to do more work.  The irony was not lost on me.

     

  • Need to Cope

    It’s pretty rough right now at work.  Every so often things get pretty stressful and my mgm’t team gets on my case.  I worked over the weekend to try and catch up.  Alas, there just aren’t enough hours during the day.  I finished my last meeting today after 10PM… on a Sunday night.  I have to constantly remind myself not to get too stressed out.  Work doesn’t define who I am.  Even if my management team doesn’t acknowledge any of my contributions, I have good team members that see it.  

    There are many others who have it worse than I do. I dig deep into the grave yard of my memory and see other awful work experiences.  I’ve survived those and I’ll find a way to survive these and the ones to come.  But I also recognize I have my limits. 

    Today as I was helping dad out the door for our Sunday dinner, my sister wanted us to wait for the washing machine to finish.  I ask her how much longer.  She tells me she just started.  I grit my teeth and tell her impatiently that I have a meeting tonight.  We need to get going so I can call in on time.  She muttered something and turned off the washing machine.  During dinner, dad was quieter than usual.  But he’s always quiet when my sister is around.  I ordered enough food to fill our small table.  He told me earlier he only had a light lunch and was hungry.  Yet he barely touched his rice and nibbled on some food.  I’m a fast eater so I always finish before him.  But tonight, it was his turn to wait for me to finish.  He insisted on getting the bill and I wasn’t about to argue.  As we left I realized why he didn’t eat that much.  He didn’t want to hold me up from my meeting. 

    Between guilt and stress, I’m sure I’ll wither away soon. 

  • Bruised and smiling at life

    I’m in a tight black leather outfit with straps on my hands and legs.  My mouth is gagged, my eyes are blindfolded and I’m ready.  The whips, the wax and wailings.  Bring it on.  I don’t care anymore.  My skin is red, the sweat makes the scars sting even more.  Red wax, white wax, blue wax… they all drip over me while I scream in pain.  Red, white and blue – appropriate since my parent company is an American company.  It’s just another day at work.  Bound, defeated, savaged and muted… (what do they spell?).  It’s another long day.  Tonight I sleep.  Tomorrow I pull on my leather outfit and start afresh. 

    Ok it’s not that bad.  It just feels that way.  I look for the little joys in life to balance things.  At the supermarket the other day, I passed by the baby food section.  I see a little baby boy squatting on the floor.  He is focused on the tiny bottles of baby food and carefully reaches for them with his right hand.  I pause to watch.  His mom hovers nearby watching him and trying to listen to the father yakking away.  I look back at the boy.  His right arm is still fully extended but he looks stumped.  I wonder if he is trying to figure out how to retrieve it without bringing down the whole display.  I smile and walk away.  When I leave the store I run into the mom and the baby again.  She’s carrying the child. I nod and smile at her.  She smiles back proudly.  It’s like watching an old fashioned silent movie. 

    I wish I could take pictures of these little events of humanity.

     

  • I Want To Be Like The Plants In My Office

    The past few days at work have been long but not too pressure filled.  I hate to be one of the sales guys right now.  It’s been a quiet quarter end for me and others too.  This is not a good sign.  I have a funny feeling the pressure will be ratcheted up the next quarter.  I can hear the tension in people’s voices.  Emails are concise but also curt.  I think there are daily floggings of the sales folks to bring in more business.  The relentless pressure to meet the street’s estimates. 

    As I walk around the office, the only person that doesn’t look stressed is the guy who waters and looks after the indoor garden in our office.  We have several large plantings, including some tropical looking trees.  This guy just calmly goes about his job, checking out the leaves, the soil and other things that gardeners look for.  I saw him looking up at the canopy of the trees.  Although I’ve been in this office many times, I’ve never bothered to take it all in.  So today I looked up and marveled how healthy and green they looked. 

    As I look back at him, I notice he’s my age and also Asian.  He moves quietly and efficiently.  I think he’s the guy with the lowest blood pressure in our building.  He doesn’t pay attention to me as I watch him.  I don’t think he even notices us office types who are so full of ourselves.  He’s just focused on his plants and making they stay strong and healthy.  I should focus on the same thing.