“Matt – let’s read.  We always read something before we go to sleep.”

“Yes but it’s almost 2AM!  I’ve got a lot of things that I wanted to get done tomorrow.”  I said.

“You always read a bit to relax and to tire your eyes.  Otherwise, you can’t sleep.”

I cringed.  “Ok – but no more than 30 minutes.”

An hour later,  I was still wide awake.

“Matt, do you want to play Scrabble on your phone?”

“It’s past 3!  I really need to sleep.”

“You can always take your pills.”

“I can but I don’t want to.  I always feel so tired in the morning.  But maybe some Scrabble will unscramble my mind.”  I said.

After a couple of futile rounds, I checked my Instagram feed, liked a bunch of photos, checked the news and read some more.  By the time I rolled over, I noticed it was starting to get bright outside.  I knew it was past 4:30AM but I hoped the light was just the streetlamp.  I somehow got to sleep and woke up around 10:30 AM.  It took an hour before I made it to the shower. I didn’t bother shaving today.  I didn’t want to eat breakfast at home so I walked to a nearby coffeeshop and gulped down some caffeine.

I get stressed every night when I go to bed.  I go through variations of this ritual.  Some nights, I’m fortunate and can sleep within 30 minutes.  Last night was one of the longer bouts of insomnia.   Now the day is almost over and I just feel like I wasted the entire day.

*Note: I wrote this on Tuesday July 1st.

I decided to clean my room and then I figured I should clean my condo.  It’s a thankless job and I hate cleaning.  But it’s just to messy.  I got sick of cleaning so I decided to workout instead.  I went to the small gym in my condo.  It was a brief workout.  My muscles trembled, my lungs burned, my head started to spin, my butt started to quiver and my heart started to pump like crazy.  While doing a set of squats, I ripped my boxers.

At the gym, I could see how badly I got out of shape.  I should eat properly too.  Maybe I’ll make some curry chickpeas w/ veggies and brown rice.

Now I’m too tired to shower.  I stink from the sweat.  My arms are too tired to type.  If 20 hot naked Asian guys show up, I would be too tired to do anything.  But if they do show up, maybe I can get them to finish cleaning my condo.

It’s always interesting going to a hospital.  This time, I was the patient, not my dad.  I took a cab to the hospital and went  Emergency.  It wasn’t busy and I saw the triage nurse within 5 minutes.  He took the usual information down.  I explained the problem and the medication I needed.  He made a few notes and walked me into the emergency room right away.  It was the same thing the last time. 

Within minutes two nurses (one was a good looking Chinese guy), a doctor and a student came in.  One person hooked me up to monitor while another stuck an IV in me.  They explained what they needed to do and what to expect.  I nodded and told them I remembered how it was last time.  They gave me my meds through the IV line and pushed it through.  I spent the next hour or so under observation.  But I know there wasn’t much they were really going to do.

So I spent the time pondering and observing.  I watched patients getting hauled in.  One person didn’t speak English that well and came in by ambulance from a nursing home.  When the nurse tried to put an IV into him, he let loose a torrent of Italian swear words.  Another patient started to cough really bad.  A nurse came in to help clear a lot of mucus.  They closed the curtain so I couldn’t really see.  But they all wore masks and gowns before entering.  In the bed right in front of me, a woman had what I overheard was a gallstone or kidney stone.  There were 2 women who must have stayed up all night with that patient.  They both had very rumpled dresses and tired eyes.

The brief bed rest was an opportunity again for life to tell me something.  You become aware of your mortality when you sit in a hospital bed.  I started wondering what I did with my bucket list.  I mean, this wasn’t a life threatening incident and I wasn’t close to death.  But it’s still the emergency room. I wanted a note book to jot down my thoughts.  But there were just questions.  What’s worse, I was stuck in the quiet section of the ER.  The elderly man was now sleeping.  The coughing guy was quiet.  Another woman who came in with her husband was resting.  Everyone was quiet.  It was too much for me to handle. 

This was almost 3 weeks ago.  It seems so far away now. 

It was a bit of a struggle watching my dad during his annual checkup.  He simply tells the doctor nothing is wrong, he is healthy as a horse.  All the complaints he would tell me about bone pains and maladies are now gone.  It’s as if he thinks the doctor is an auditor.  “If he doesn’t ask, I won’t tell.  The less he knows the better I’ll be.”  So I’ll toss in a few reminders here and there.  I ask the doctor about memory lapses.  My dad insist his mind is still sharp.  The doctor asks who does the banking.  I say I do now.  Dad would say I only handle the petty cash… anything below $10. 

So the entire physical was like that.  A three way dance between facts, fiction and forgotten truths.  It was like watching a witness expertly handle an attorney at a trial.  When we left the doctor’s office,  my dad thought the doctor wasn’t thorough enough.  I almost ripped my hair out when I heard that. 

I think if you’re seeing a doctor – it’s got to be full disclosure no matter how embarrassing it
may seem to you.  I think a patient needs to help paint his own health picture, tell it as vividly and fully as possible to help the doctor.  If you have pain urinating, how long will you suffer before seeing a doctor because it can be embarrassing?  If you notice blood in your stool (when you wipe or when you flush), will you tell the doctor or hope it wasn’t anything serious?  Are you able to describe your symptoms?  If it’s pain – is it a dull achy pain or a sharp pain?  When did it happen (oh, I don’t know… a week, maybe months ago?), is it a recurring pain or a steady pain?  (gee doc… I never really noticed).  If I was a doctor, I’d let the patient experience some pain immediately

Doctors are probably trained to properly interview their patients and draw all the facts out.  They probably need to take into account cultural, age and all those things that can influence the answer.  I just think patients also have a responsibility to help their doctor by providing clear and factual answers. 

I have this love / hate relationship with sleep.  It hasn’t come easily for me.  By the time I hit the sack, my brain would  put on a show.  There’s drama, serious commentary, lots of thinking mixed in with worrying.  My conscience would also take to stage as well taking advantage of the situation.  I lie there, an audience of one, hostane to my brain.  Sometimes I would get 4 to 5 hours of sleep.  I try to ignore the show and read.  It works every so often but the sleep isn’t a rich, deep sleep.  By the time weekend rolls in, I can be exhausted.  I also don’t sleep in well.  Once I wake up – that’s pretty well it. 

When I head off to my bf’s place in the weekend, sometimes I would take a nap in his bed with him curled up beside me.  I’m sure he finds it a bit strange.  I crave sleep druing the day and when night comes – it remains elusive.  It’s a cruel game of playing hard to get.  Some of my best sleeps have come in my futon.  I would spend the first night there, wake up and trudge to my bed until the morning.  It’s unconventional and I have no idea why it works.  But it’s not a solution. 

I took this past week off.  I didn’t even turn on my laptop to check on email.  Most people at work do that so there are no surprises when they go back to work.  I know I’ll have to spend a few hours today preparing for next week.  But this week I got some pretty good sleep – up to 8 hours.  Yes, I can see the relationship.  It’s not lost on me. I thought sleep was simple.  I mean, you get rid of clutter in your room, keep it cool, dark… have a nice warm shower, a hot glass of milk, a bit of reading and voila… sleep arrives and carries you off to dreamland.

By coincidence I had an appointment a few days ago with my doctor.  My doctor isn’t one that prescribes meds easily.  Ironically some of the best naps I’ve had are in her waiting room.  She laughs when I tell her that.  But she listened attentively when I told her about my misadventures in sleeping.  She gave me a prescription and answered all my questions about potential side effects.  She also described some of the recent studies about sleep and depression.

Last night when I got home, I stared at the small bottle of pills.  My brain started to come to life.  I wanted to read, write and of course think.  I took out one pill and was surprised how small it was.  I swallowed it and went to bed.  I was alseep in less than 40 minutes.  When I woke up, I scrambled to look at the time.  I was worried  I slept the entire day away.  Thankfully it was only 8:30.  

It’s 12:10 in the afternoon now .  My head still feels a bit heavy.  I’ve finished 3 cups of tea so far. I don’t feel like doing my chores.  I just feel a bit strange to join so many out there who take sleeping pills / aids.  I never thought I would one day do this. 

I was chatting with one of my cousins and we somehow landed on the topic of facial care. I think he’s tried or knows a lot of products out there.  He’s using a high end brand that I’ve never heard of.  I told him I just use soap, some cream to exfoliate and an ordinary drug store moisturizer.  As someone once said “I use the same soap for my ass and for my face.”  I thought I heard him scream when I typed that in. He then surprised me when he said he has regular facials. 

Good golly… I’m so behind the times.  So what do you guys do for skin care? 

The heat from the jungle blanketed me like an itchy wool
blanket.  The thorns from the thick undergrowth were like razors.  The pain
from the cuts was made worse by the sweat oozing into the wounds. 
The bites from the insects added to the misery.  I stopped and looked behind me but couldn’t
see anything.  The wall of sound
from the animals and insects was loud and eerie. 

I wiped the sweat from my brow and continued to plow on.  Suddenly the jungle noise stopped.  I quickly ducked.  I could hear a branches snapping and what
sounded like a stampede.  Within seconds,
I saw a big, angry, ugly hippo running right at me.  I jumped but it was too late.  It hit me at full stride and fireworks
exploded in my eyes.  I struggled back to
my feet and fell again.  It was just
standing there and for a moment, I thought it was snickering at me. 

I got to my hands and knees and slowly crawled away while
gasping for air.  It was painful trying
to breath.  My vision started to blur and
I bumped into a tree.  The tree trunk
moved and I looked up.  It was the
biggest elephant I ever saw.  In a split
second, he had me in his trunks, whipped me over his head and slammed me back
to the ground.  I didn’t even have time
to struggle.  I pulled open an eyelid to
take one last look at mother earth.  The
only thing I saw was this huge pile of steaming hot elephant dung dropping on
me. 

My life shouldn’t end like this.  I waited slowly until the dung
beetles rolled the steaming hot elephant dung off me.  I struggled to my knees and then to my
feet.  I cried and thanked the Lord for another
chance to live.  I croaked out loud “I
will change my life!”  I took a step
forward but my body wouldn’t move.  I heard
breathing… or rather snorting.  I turned
around slowly.  A gorilla was holding on
to the remnants of my tshirt.  I glared
back defiantly.  The gorilla snorted back
& leaned his head against my face.   I head butted him hoping that would surprise
him.  I was surprised by how hard his
skull was.  He put me in a headlock and
tucked my head underneath his armpit.  The
stench was unbelievable and I started to gag. 

My arms flailed against his back but he only tightened his
grip.  I thought my skull would
explode.  I started to black out.  The only thing I could see was some numbers
in red.  5…4… 3….2…1.

Finally, my workout was over.  I’m sore, stinky, battered and my ass is sore from the squats and lunges.   I hate
working out.  I really do.

Tonight, I get to do it all over again.