I found out the other day that my god father passed away in 2012.  No one told my family.  He was one of my dad’s closest friend when they were young.  He gave me my first camera (along with a few red pouches).  My brother was just a wee bit envious because his godfather never gave him anything.  So my brother made up a picket sign demanding a new godfather.  Over time with illnesses hounding both my dad and my godfather, they just drifted apart.  Neither of them used email or regular mail.  Even the phone calls became scarcer as my godfather’s hearing became impaired.

Then I thought about my online friends that I’ve developed on Xanga.  If something happened to me, none of you would find out about it.  None of you would know who to call if my blog becomes inactive for a long period of time.  The opposite would probably be true too.  Then I wondered, why it was easier for me to find acceptance here.  Well – it’s easy to hide my faults when I am very careful how I present myself here.  You just see my good side.  When I talk about my faults, I usually minimize or trivialize them.  Would you accept me if you got to know me in real life?  The optimistic part of me remains hopeful.  But the fact is, my circle of friends really are really online.  If I’m not online, then it’s harder to maintain that thin, ephemeral thread of relationship here.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this.  I keep thinking a lot of you have an extensive network of close friends to lean on.  But I know that isn’t necessarily true for everyone.  Maybe there are more changes I need in my life.

I feel as if I got a nice little coffee shop here in Xanga. Some days I’m open for business and people drop in. Of course,  I’ll be the guy in the back room, with sunglasses and a disguise.  After all, I’m anonymous.  Most days (especially lately), the shop is closed but people still wander by to see if I’m around.  They will knock at the door, peer through the windows and wonder what is going on. 

It’s a nice community here.  When I need support, you don’t hesitate to give me encouragement, advice, a gentle nudge, a prayer or two, a pat in the back, a hug and a supporting shoulder to lean on.  Sometimes when I’m not blogging, I’ll get a message or email asking if things are ok.  It’s a wonderful and supportive gang here at Xanga. 

Despite not knowing who I am, you don’t hesitate to cheer me on.  I don’t know what to make of it sometimes.  I have nothing to compare it to in real life.  Sometimes in the middle of the day, I’ll stop and wonder about certain folks in Xanga – especially if they are going through some tough times.  I wonder if they are coping with the challenges from life.  We know life can be unfair. 

Work has eased up just a bit.  After working almost 7 days a week for a few weeks, I’m starting to reduce my weekend hours.  The pressure at work continues.  Any mistakes that people make get amplified and distorted.  The culture of fear and pessimism is getting a foothold.  I try not to let it get to me but inevitably it does.  

But it’s nice to know I have a lot of support here.  I’m thankful and grateful. 

Some time ago I found this free app from Ipnos Soft for my laptop.  It plays relaxing sounds and I’ve been falling asleep a lot faster.  I set it on a 30 minute timer and I have yet to hear it end.  I pick a combination of water, waves, rain, waterfalls and heavy rain type sounds.  At first I thought this was going to be corny.  But now I’m hooked.  I tried going without it the other night but it wasn’t the same. So every night, I bring my laptop to my bedroom and set it on a night stand.  I’ll read a bit and have the sound of water / rain in the background.  In less than half an hour, I’m asleep.  Now I tried one time during the day while I was working and I started to nod off. 

I thought maybe I should do something similar.  I’ll record my voice – it’s very monotonous.  Maybe I’ll read some of my old entries and some of your comments too.  I’m sure some of my entries will have you guys snoring in no time.  I always thought I had a decent voice until I heard myself.  It was a recording I had done on my campus radio station.  I think I was reading the news or some other announcement.  It sounded choppy and tinged with an accent.  Someone once told me he thought I had a touch of an English accent.  Me?  Maybe one of these days I’ll record an entry and let you guys hear what I sound like.  But I’m sure that will identify me immediately through some voice print program. 

Actually this rambling entry is not what it seems.  I got a call yesterday from a long time friend.  I haven’t seen him in years.  He lived out west and I know he moved to the US.  But he used to travel to Toronto on business and we would get together for dinner or for congee.  The conversation was easy and I’ve always enjoyed our time together.  We’re both very open about things in our lives.  I found out he moved to the US last year.  He told me yesterday that both he and his wife enjoy California a lot.  I was glad he called and it brought a smile to my face when I heard his voice.  He flew up here as part of Air Canada’s 75th anniversary and saw the Dreamliner (sigh… I would have slept with a oversexed elephant to get on that plane.)  He was on his way out.  I told him I had thought about him and figured after a long absence our friendship had finally faded away.  It’s hard finding good friends and it’s even harder keeping good friends.  He is back in town for a visit later on in the year.  It’ll be good to share some congee with him after all these years. 

/* correction on AC’s anniversary, thanks Franco!

A few weeks ago, I had dinner with my cousin whom I wrote about before (click here).  We get along very well and always enjoy a few laughs whenever we get together.  While we enjoy each other’s company, I’ve never really shared anything very personal with him before.   I found out the last time we got together that he is a devout Roman Catholic.

This time we met up at a Japanese restaurant for dinner.  The food was ok but not spectacular.  We chatted about work, cars, family and joked around as usual.  Eventually the conversation shifted over to divorce & relationships amongst family and friends.  I think we were talking about someone who was living together, had kids but wasn’t married.  He reminded me about his views on marriage.  He then shared with me his opinion on gay marriage.  He told me he knew a couple of coworkers that were gay.  I asked him if he had any gay friends.  He said no.  I then told him that I’m gay.  He kept saying “No, you’re joking right?”  He seemed stunned by all of this. 

I hadn’t planned all of this out.  It just sort of happened.  He quickly apologized for what he had said and was worried I was offended.  I told him I understood his views although I disagree with them.  I also told him I grew up as a Roman Catholic.  So a lot of what he said was stuff I had heard before which is why I don’t attend church anymore.  He said he felt like he just stuck his foot in his mouth and must have sounded like an idiot.  He seemed genuinely surprised by what he had just heard but didn’t really ask me a lot of questions about it.  We continued chatting until the restaurant started to close up.  We walked together while the snow fell on us.  As I got to the subway station, I turned to say goodbye.  Again he apologized and said he hoped none of what he had said earlier had offended me.  I assured him it didn’t.  We did the ol’ shake hands and half hug thing that guys do.  

I guess time will tell if he still feels comfortable hanging out with me.  It’ll be sad if he doesn’t but that’s not something I can control.   

I was watching reruns of the comedy show 2 and a Half Men one night.  In one episode, Charlie Sheen has a few of his friends over for an evening of scotch, cigar and conversation.  That scene (see below) caught my eye.  It’s really suppose to be a men’s support group.  I think I would enjoy that feeling of camaraderie, fellowship & friendship reinforced with scotch and a nice Cuban cigar.  There’s something about just hanging out with guys where I can just sit back, listen, be supportive, let loose with some crude jokes every so often and just be there for others.  I’d probably switch the Cuban cigar with something else though since I don’t smoke.  But I do like the smell of cigars and pipe tobacco.

click here for the episode  (the video embed code was disabled)

Now I’m not sure why I’m really writing this.  Maybe I’m just trying to expand my circle of friends.  It’s a tiny circle right now and I actually feel I have more friends in Xanga than I do in real life.  I have a friend from school that I see every so often.  He’ll give me a shout when he flies out here on business.  Everytime we meet up, we just hit it off again.  But his “territory” has changed these past couple of years.  I only found out by accident that he and his family recently moved to the US.  So it’ll be a bit more challenging rekindling that friendship.  I think the bigger challenge is to develop new and lasting friendships. 

Anyone care for some Scotch?

J and I met up with a mutual friend the other night for dinner.  It was a chance for us to get together after a few months of sporadic contact last year.  He invited us over to see his new condo.  It’s a very nice loft conversion building with exposed bricks, ducts, high ceilings and polished concrete floors.  He had a monster TV set with along with a neat looking PC.  Dinner was fun and we all ate very well. 

While it was good to see him again, I just got the sense the the friendship is beginning to wane.  He has his own set of friends and interests.  Aside from some casual chit chat – I couldn’t find anything in common anymore with him.  I guess on the friendship scale – he’s gone down from friend to acquaintance.  Oh well… such is life. 

It’s strange but I have more in common with my long time Xanga friends than I do with real friends.