September 21, 2011

• Insight

  While I was traveling last week, I had some odd moments of “insight”.  It’s an odd feeling, almost as if someone was trying to tell me something.  On the flight to Ottawa, I was reading my book.  When I looked out the window, I noticed the clouds below had gradually parted.  I saw many shades of green, brown and yellow with some sprinkling of red.  Rivers, ponds and small lakes were scattered throughout.  I put down the book and marveled at the show. There were farms with their fields like patches on a quilt.  The fields were mostly squares and rectangles with fuzzy borders.  Many had jagged boundaries bordering rivers and trees.  I wanted to tell everyone on the plane to look out and enjoy the beauty.  Instead the subtle and demur nature show left me pondering – what am I doing here? 

  That evening, I walked to Parliament Hill.  The dark sandstone buildings looked so nice as they basked in the setting sun.  There were still some tourists laughing while posing for pictures.  I looked around but I knew I had to get dinner and start preparing for my customer meeting the next day.  I didn’t want to leave yet.   took one last, longing look at the sight before I went for dinner. It wasn’t a satisfying dinner even though the food was ok.  There was just the feeling of emptiness.

  There were also 2 taxi rides that week that caught my attention  As I left work early evening, I stood in the front door and waited for my cab.  A rain storm had just passed. The sun came out to play briefly before it set.  The air had this clean smell.  I found myself inhaling deeply as if the air was a drug.  It took awhile for the cab to show up but I didn’t mind.  The clouds were chasing each other in the sky and slowly changing shapes.  A crow was flying back and forth between trees.  The cab eventually showed up.  As he pulled out of the lot, he stopped in the middle of the street and asked how I wanted to get back to the hotel.  I shrugged and told him to just pick the fastest route.  He took a route that I never took before.  We passed corn fields with their wonderful shades of green.  At first I thought he was heading in the wrong direction but I decided to just enjoy the scenery.  There were joggers running beside the fields.  I wanted to join them but I won’t have lasted long.  Eventually the fields gave way to buildings and we were headed downtown. 

  On my last day, another cab driver took a different route to the airport.  We drove slowly along a park by the Rideau Canal. It was a slow drive and I absolutely enjoyed the scenic drive.  I’ve never taken this route before.  It just seemed surreal. The stress of the trip slowly melted away. 

  As I sit and write this entry, I’m under a fair bit of pressure from work.  I’m working every night lately.  It’s an empty feeling.  It’s unsettling when you hear your mgm’t team isn’t happy with you.  But there are still more signs.  At lunch time, I chance across an article, “If you had a week to live what would you do?”. And tonight, Coldplay was playing a free concert here in the city.  I watched the simulcast on the internet and tried to do some work.  I smiled when I recognized the intro to Fix You.  Instead Chris Martin sings a few lines from Amy Winehouse’s Rehab before launching in to Fix You. I thought of my first Xanga friend Kelvin.  These were 2 of his favorite musicians although Madonna was always his number 1 favorite.  The memories made me smile. I hope he’s happy and his soul is in peace. 

  “When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
  When you get what you want, but not what you need
  When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
  Stuck in reverse”

  Yes, I think I need lots of fixing.

   

   

  • 10:34 PM
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