September 25, 2011
-
Loose family bonds
We weren’t sure how to handle telling dad about his younger brother. We had gotten news that he has liver cancer. But we decided to tell him as it would be cruel to withhold the information. On the way to dinner one night, dad asked if I had more information. I told him everything I knew which wasn’t much. “How could he have gotten liver cancer? He never had any signs of it.” He went on a bit and became quiet. We always drive on the highway near the airport. He likes watching planes too and I was hoping there would be something big like a 747 landing. But the skies were empty. Suddenly my dad said “We weren’t that close.”. That was the end of the conversation.
A couple of days ago, I gotten word that my uncle was moved to a palliative care centre and his condition has gotten worse. His wife sent an email out and said that if anyone has a message to be read to him, she would do that. My dad’s family aren’t that close and I’m not close to them as well (with the exception of one cousin). Everyone is scattered across the globe but the gap in family bond is even farther apart. It took me a day to write a short paragraph to my uncle.
This situation has made me think about my own siblings. We aren’t that tight. We don’t hug, don’t talk much during the week etc… I only see my sister when I visit my dad. I see my brother when we take dad down to his appointments. But we don’t have those heartfelt talks you see on movies. While we aren’t feuding, I can sense that when my dad passes on, I’ll probably go my separate ways and see them only during Xmas or some holidays. I have to admit there are days when I don’t care for any family presence at all. It’s sad. Mom and dad would be shaking their heads if they knew how I felt.
Comments (26)
Are you fine with that, not being so close to them?
Never too late to change things. You can initiate it Matt. Best of luck with that.
It sounds sad! Time to change!
My siblings are not close either
all my brothers are few in words. While I used to talk a lot with my sister, her recent behavior towards mom makes me avoid her. So sad
Parents are to blame for their childrens mistakes. Thae lack of love reflected by parents is a direct result of the lack of love reflected among the children
Pick your favorite sibling; treat him/her the way you would treat a good friend. Sometimes I think we treat friends and acquaintances better than our own family members because we don’t have the baggage and the history with our friends. My sister and I started as friends when we were in our twenties and we talk twice a week on the phone now. I couldn’t live without her.
*hug* It’s never too late…
I find myself wishing I were closer to my sister — she lives in Italy, which makes it difficult, but we basically only talk when necessary, and, until recently, our conversations have been strictly business. I actually wonder if I’ll see her again ~ ~ ~
@The_Eyes_Of_A_Painter - Isn’t it the other way around — the lack of love reflected by children is a result of that among parents?
I wonder how it would be if I had a few more brothers and sisters like you guys?!
@slmret - A head doctor will confirm that if a parent is cold, shows no love emotion to their children. That child as an adult will act out the same and more than likely put their children through the same peril.
Maybe its just Asian culture. I love my family, but I don’t always treat them as nice as complete strangers.
@Roadlesstaken - well Alex, not really – it’s troubling me. I don’t want us to deteriorate into complete strangers. But I also know there’s a bit of emotional baggage that needs to be removed first.
@kachino - thank you for the encouragement.
@wildberrytea - I think this will be a long term project with a many tiny steps at the beginning.
@stevew918 - *hugs* Steve… I understand how you feel especially with your sister’s situation.
@The_Eyes_Of_A_Painter - my dad told me that his mom didn’t really know how to be a good mother. I’m sure this had an effect on all him and his siblings.
@ordinarybutloud - that’s so wonderful to read about your relationship with your sister. My mom’s family was a lot closer to each other and even though they were scattered, they made sure they kept in touch with letters, cards and phone calls.
@slmret - I hope you’ll be able to find a way to get a bit closer to your sister.
@CurryPuffy - I have an impression that you’re close to your brother. I think if you had more siblings, you would be just as close.
@thetemptor - yeah, I know what you mean – it’s almost as if we have these roles to play (oldest sibling, oldest male sibling…) and we are defined by those roles sometimes.
I have 4 sisters and I only get along with one and i have 3 brothers and I’m only close to one of them,too. Sad.
Sometimes distance is good, but I’m twenty and I’ve just met one of my Aunts. Those you love are sometimes the ones you least expect to find, and then again… You can’t choose your family.
@ElusiveWords - sometimes, people might not able to wait that long.
At one level, I look at that circumstance and think, oh, what a shame. But on another level, I wonder why family members are really expected to be close in the first place. The connection is only an accident of birth, not based on common interests or personalities. But I guess if we don’t have our family, maybe we don’t have anyone in this world.
@Babyboomerjill - my father had 9 siblings, I think he was only relatively close to 1 of them.
@Frost_Velissir - true… my closest relative is a cousin but he lives out in the west coast.
@christao408 - well, I guess this is partly driven by guilt and the sense of family.
i’m really close to my twin brother and i couldn’t imagine not being so…i used to be really close with my mom but after coming out there were several years of silence that followed…but even close family members sometimes drift apart, and not to anyone’s fault…it can be a combination of life, time, change and a lot of other uncontrollable factors…
@jace1982 - thanks for the comment Jason. I think the source of my discomfort with my sister lies more in differences in how to care for my dad. She can be abrupt with him and that drives me nuts.
I worry about my relationships with family, too. Most nights I wonder about my relationship with my parents and how little I know of them – I ask them what they did in the day time, but then they usually reply with “nothing much, just slept”. I don’t want it to deteriorate further from this!
My relationship with my siblings differs. I’m frosty with my brother, and more warmer towards my sister, but we do not hang out together. I think there is still a chance to develop better relationships with all my family members, though. I think going on fortnightly outings will be a good start. Hmm.
Sometimes I worry a lot about ending up like that with my family because I know that in an ideal world, it’s not what I want at all. Yet, after living an entire year overseas with AT BEST minimal contact from my brothers and the feeling that they don’t care to see me at all makes me just want to run away forever. I really wish i was closer, but that desire feels very one-sided.
It’s bound to happen. Just because you’re family doesn’t mean that you get along with each other. Or that you would be close. It happens.
@stepaside_loser - I think each of us have our own journey. I didn’t really get to know my dad until my mom passed away. In some ways, it was her last gift to me.
@secade - I admire your desire to improve the relationship with your family members. It’s so one sided though and I wish they would at least acknowledge your efforts.
@yang1815 - yeah, it’s just disappointing though.
@ElusiveWords - c’est la vie.
It’s a little hard to get close since everyone has their own thing going on. Luckily it’s never too late and thanks to technology today, everyone is just a text away.
@Devilzgaysianboi - true… it makes keeping in touch and reaching out easier. But building a relationship is not as easy. I think most of us (some?) carry baggages with siblings.