September 26, 2011
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Snippets
Snippets: 1. (verb) the act of snipping a pet. 2. (noun) What Matt writes about when he has nothing substantial to write about.
1. The toilets at work automatically flush when you leave the stall. There used to be one that was so sensitive that as soon as you lift your ass, it would flush. Thankfully they’ve fixed that problem. I never have any problems with them until the other day. After I did my thing and opened the door to leave, I heard the toilet flush. As I was washing my hands like a good little boy, it flushed again. There wasn’t anyone else in the washroom and I knew that was my stall. When I finished washing my hands, it flushed again – this time a long flush. I shook my head. I didn’t leave a stinky load behind… just a normal one. It wasn’t even a 2 flusher.
2. Fetish alert … I didn’t know this but after taking my dad to hospitals so many times, I have to say that any Asian guy who wears those hospital surgical scrubs are just hot. If I saw the same guy in a suit and tie I won’t even look. But once he gets into a surgical scrub (hospital green, blue, brown – any colour will do), he’ll catch my attention. I have absolutely no idea why. I just want to play doctor with the doctor. I know, they aren’t all doctors. I think I need a cold shower with liquid nitrogen.
3. I use these terms a lot: “Oh gosh” “Oh my” “Good grief” “Golly” “Oh my goodness” It’s an attempt to cultivate an innocent, naive image when of course I’m anything but that. “Oh gosh, they have Japanese porn?” I can be mean, grouchy, vindictive and grumpy. So don’t get on my bad side. I mean it.
4. I left work early the other day so I could get home and squeeze in some chores while I worked from home. The fire alarm rang. It’s one of those annoying high pitched buzzing. Even if you were deaf, you could hear the alarm. I left my condo and watched the fire trucks rolled up. We were outside for a good 45 minutes. I got to meet other residents of the condo. But I lost my productivity. I got to work a bit later than I wanted today. As I was heads down writing up some reports, the fire alarm rang. #^@#%^@% On my way out, I ducked into the washroom. The urinals were right under the alarm. I never peed so fast in my life. I think if I was there another minute my ear drums would have bled. But it was another 25 minutes wasted today. Thankfully it was just a false alarm.
5. In the past couple of days, I have this craving for milk. I usually drink soy milk. But I wanted cow’s milk instead. There’s nothing like a cold, glass of milk that leaves a creamy, satisfying fullness in your mouth. I want to bring a cow home to my condo so I can have fresh milk. But the poor cow will have to live in the walk in fridge cuz I like my milk cold.
Comments (20)
Don’t feel funny about No.2, Matt! I know how this is all about, since this is W’s daily uniform at work
I like the synonyms part!
@CurryPuffy - hahaha… oh gosh, I didn’t know that!
scrubs scream “DOCTOR ALERT, DOCTOR ALERT!!!” just wait until you see a military doctor in army scrubs, yum yum honey gimme some.
Your snippets always make me laugh.
Hmmm somehow number 3 didn’t match with what I had imagined your personality would be haha
I think that’s the third time I’ve read about your apartment alarm going off hahah
Also, I’ve noticed a pattern of posts containing stories about the toilet.
The common themes of Matt:
- Father
- Working a lot
- Walking around the neighbourhood, taking pictures
- A new grown fetish – always a reference to Japanese porn
- Toilets (not really that much)
I’m sure I’ve missed a few
We should all face it…sometimes cold milk is just the perfect thing!
Love your snippets – by the way try Almond Milk. I am lactose intolerant and have been using it for sometime.
dude, there are so many, SO MANY jokes someone could make about your phrasing for number 5, but then again, I have a very puerile sense of humor. That said, I can only drink milk if I have a big slice of chocolate or cheese cake.
I love your snippets Matt. I have been thinking of doing some too, I mean posting them.
I hate milk. I will never drink it just like that. It needs to be falvored like with chocolate or strawberry of something like that. And then MAY BE I will drink a couple of teaspoons of that. Just remember too many cows getting milked at home when I was a child and then the way mother used to force me to drink that milk… boiled and creamed. Bleh!
Regarding the cow’s milk, a few weeks ago I was on an antibiotic that included the restriction to not consume dairy products, so for a week we had to switch to soy milk for our morning lattes. I’m sorry, but soy milk just does not provide the same satisfying feel on your tongue as real milk does. Should be called “soy water” instead. Truth in labeling!
1. even the toilet doesn’t like your poo.
2. just turn the lights off or turn them around if you don’t wanna see their faces.
3. you are grumpy!
5. just live with a nursing mom. HAHA!!!
@christao408 - me love soy lattés!!!
Your condo is big enough for a walk in fridge large enough to house a bovine? Lol.
hahaha chilling the cow will not pre-chill the milk that comes out of one… that’s like trying to cook your potatoes before you plant them so that they will grow pre-cooked potatoes, or that sort of thing! and feeding a cow chocolate will not make them produce chocolate milk =P
you should work in a hospital then… you get to see a lot of people in scrubs all the time!
@Closure_Theory - as long as the scrubs are clean… I don’t want to see any blood splatters. hee hee…
@Roadlesstaken - Alex – believe it or not, some folks think I have a sick, I mean, unusual sense of humour. hahahaha…
@stepaside_loser - Well Andrew, I think you captured the essence of “Matt”. hahaha…. (sad but true)
@Bricker59 - some days it’s even better than beer. Wait a minute… what am I saying.
@Fatcat723 - I’m lactose intolerant too Rob. Some of the creamier soy milk is ok with coffee while others just sort of congeal. I’ve tried almond milk, it’s a bit watery, other than that I have no issues with it. And from what I remember, almonds are good for you.
@supanamja - I’m just an innocent and naive guy. ^ ^
@ZSA_MD - Oh Zakiah, those aren’t pleasant memories at all, no wonder you don’t like milk. I don’t often drink milk because it’s a bit too fat for me. Skim milk doesn’t appeal to me. Most of the time I drink soy milk.
@christao408 - skim milk is healthier but it’s so unsatisfying. I usually go with 2% (lactose free) or maybe 1%. I like the rich creamy taste of whole milk but I also know it can be fattening. You’re right Chris, soy milk doesn’t have that richness and body.
@yang1815 - I am grumpy…. most days. I almost snapped back at a bunch of managers in a meeting today but wisely held back.
@Toro69 - I just realize cow poop might be a problem.
@kunhuo42 - hmm… maybe I should just chill the udder? If I worked in a hospital with many Asian guys wearing scrubs, this would be the ultimate S&M thing for me…. sheer torture. Oh wait a minute, you work in a hospital right? *turns red*
@ElusiveWords - hahaha yes, i work in a hospital, but i don’t wear scrubs!
@ElusiveWords - That is very mature of you!
Truth be told… I love your snippets. I always get super excited to see them.
1. At least it didn’t flush WHILE you were doing your business. It would for sure be more irritating.2. Did you tell your bf about that? ;] Maybe you two should do some role playing. 3. I can’t imagine you as not innocent though… aren’t you pretty chaste and good?5. What kind of other milk do you sometimes crave? :B
@Devilzgaysianboi - I think you’re the only one that gets super excited reading these… thank you!!!!
i’m so with you on no.2. i don’t know why either. i can hear myself saying ‘HELLO!’ when i see one passes by. it’s just not the same with doctor’s white coat or business suit or fireman uniform or even a chef’s coat, which i like. ok, i better wash my brain with soap now.