July 5, 2008

  • A father son moment

    I took my dad to the cemetery.  It’s been three years now and he has a very
    difficult time there.  I left him alone
    briefly while I got some water for the flowers. 
    He looked intensely at the columbarium. 
    After I placed the flowers down, he started to talk about the old days –
    back in Manila
    when he was just a child.  He sat down on
    the cold metal bench and talked about his grandfather who really was the force
    behind the family.  He recalled talked
    about skipping a grade and then another one when he was about 8 to 9 yrs
    old.  He talked about the many relatives
    that came over to the Philippines
    who were from the same village as his grandfather.  They came to find work and opportunity. 

    His grandfather helped set them up with jobs.  Some were able to learn English, trades,
    business skills while others who had no aptitude for learning and hard work
    simply languished.   One year, his dad somehow
    managed to enroll him into an American school. 
    His grandfather chafed at the decision. 
    He worried that my dad will be useless because he won’t learn Chinese.  The metal bench wasn’t that comfortable and
    every time I shifted position, he thought I wanted to leave.  But I said no – I had time.  He continued chatting for awhile about
    relatives whose names I barely remember. 
    He would grimace when I gave him a blank look at those names.  Eventually he stood up and said we should get
    going.  He took one last look at my mom’s
    resting spot and got into my car. 

    We went to dimsum for lunch. 
    As we sat down, he hailed one of the long time servers and asked for Doa
    Foo Fa (soy bean custard).  The server
    was surprised and jokingly asked why he wanted dessert so soon when he hadn’t
    even eaten the dim sum yet.  I just
    shrugged.  I guess he’s entitled to eat
    whatever he wants and whenever he wants. 
    He nodded in approval as he ate the custard.  It had a sweet ginger syrup on it.  I selected the rest of the dimsum from the
    carts when they rolled past our table. 
    He was soon stuffed.  Satisfied –
    I paid the bill after the manager came by and waived the “tea charge”.  I drove him home, saw him into the house and
    left.  As I drove away, I looked at the
    door and he was standing there waving goodbye as he always does. 

    Later that evening, my sister called me and told me my dad
    was despondent and withdrawn.  I called
    him the next day and he told me he was fine – just had a rough evening.  I can’t believe how fast he has aged in the
    last year.  The “age spots” are all over
    him.  One of his fingers is crooked.  He used a cane for the first time after his
    back started to ache.  The strong,
    commanding voice now sounds nervous and hesitant.  He’s also lost weight.  He was a voracious reader and now complains
    that he can only read 50 pages a day. 

    Some of you commend me on being a good son.  But I struggle at this.  You only read things from my perspective with
    all my biases.  I know I should spend
    more time with him. 

Comments (38)

  • Don’t be too hard on yourself now. Eh, but who I am to say? I guess I could also benefit from my own advice :b 

    I will feel better eventually. Thanks for the support!

  • Try to spend more time with him =)

  • You are a lot better son than many I know!  You took time for him, and paid attention. You called him as soon as you heard he was not feeling well. 

    My mom does not even want to go to my dad’s resting place because she complained that she got nightmare afterwards.  It is hard!   Maybe he was just having a reaction to the visit. 

  • I didn’t know you are Filipino’s decendent. From all your cooking i thought you are from china. Well I guess you are chinese filipino.

  • i felt a sense of despair reading this. those things that were cheery and good about life, are gone, and what there is now is a hopeless situation–that’s what i felt, anyway. it’s scary to be reminded that we all die.

    and another thing, i hardly know my parents. i also know how badly i speak our language and that limits my understanding and how i express myself to them. i wonder about the things i could learn from them.

    thanks for the post. it’s a dose of the reality.

  • I know it will soon be happen to my dad as well but I just hate to think about aging and the reality of all. Sometimes it is hard to connect to your parents, all you know is that they love us yet there’re so little we know about them.

  • Matt, we all wish we could spend time with our parents, grandparents, etc.  The demands of life, of being the next generation, place constraints on how much time we can spend.  Even looking at this only through your prerspective, there is no doubt that you are a loving, dutiful son who provides great comfort to his father. 

    Your father is getting old and entering the final stages of his life; that is the natural process and your feelings of regret, your feelings of wondering if you could do more, are natural, too.  You’re doing a great job; hang in there.

  • I love to read about you father and you. I think because I wanted that type of relationship with my father. Actually, we seldom did anything together and as he got older he talked less and less. I know we all feel we could do more and maybe that is the sign of the love we have for family. Loved to hear my grandfather talk about the “old country” and the “old times”. But he had to have a few beers before he would talk.

  • I know that we can all spend more time with our elderly family, like grandma’s and father’s.  However just because you don’t spend as much time with him as you like, it doesn’t mean you’re not a good son.  I think we all do what we can.  *hugs*

  • Matt, there a hundred people out there, who would so willingly trade places with you. Don’t be hard on yourself. Cherish every moment that you spend with your dad. He can feel the love you have for him; let him enjoy that celebration.

  • some days you feel that way…my father dies quite a long time ago before my children were boran…I wish he had been there as I was more grown and mature so I would have experienced a more adult relationship with him.

  • It is not easy to watch our parents age or understand what they are going through.  But be kind to yourself … you are giving your time, your attention and your love to your father.  It may not seem like enough on some days, but that is life … some days are better than others and we do what we can.  Take advantage of the time you do have with him now and get to know him in a way that you, perhaps, don’t know him. You will never regret it and will have memories to pass down that cannot be replaced.

  • I’m sure your father knows how much you love him. When my father passed, I was neither there nor could I have possibly known when it would happen. But I think he still knew how much I cared just by whatever times I spent with him. You just never know when that day will occur, but just those moments you spend with your father will be something he’ll remember.

  • @trendyhedonism - thanks.  Glad to hear that you’re feeling better.  I could fly over and kick your butt until you’re happy.  And then send you the bill. 

  • @zozoyork - yep, trying to clear up some time in the weekdays now.  

  • @stevew918 - thanks for the kind words.  Yeah – my dad is like that.  Afterwards he just gets too emotional – which is understandable.

  • @vsan79I’m Chinese and born in the Philippines. I can’t cook any Filipino food though. 

    @tomatoboi – hee hee… see my answer to Vincent above. 

  • @twistedoff - I’m fortunate that my dad speaks English very well.  When I was growing up, I spoke Cantonese to my mom and pretty well English to my dad. 

    If I could share with you one of my life’s lessons – don’t despair.  Perhaps you can learn a bit more about your  own language; ask them about your family history.  Take some small steps first otherwise it can be very overwhelming. 

  • @MRNICKLEPICKLE - there are others who share your thoughts.  Each one of us will have to deal with this eventually.  You would be surprise to find out how strong you really are.  Try to learn a bit more about your parents. 

    btw – hope you’re continuing to recover. 

  • @christao408 - thank you – much appreciated. 

  • @Fatcat723 - I never knew my grandparents that well.  Speaking of beers, my dad was the first to introduce me to beer.  He would let me sip the foam on the top of the mug.  Then I found out the good stuff was underneath it!

  • @brooklyn2028 - thanks Sheldon… you’re right, with me being so busy, sometimes I feel like I’m pulled in so many directions.  I just feel naturally guilty when I don’t have enough time to spend with him.

  • @ZSA_MD - thanks for your kind words.  You’re right – I shouldn’t be too hard on myself.  

  • @A_tOaSt_To_InNoCeNcE - thank you, yeah, some days you can only do what you can.  

  • @zionlover - thank you – yeah, as Zsa_MD wrote – celebrate those moments. 

  • @ElusiveWords - Thanks Matt. I am recovering pretty well, better than I expected. I am off from cast and wheelchair since Monday already even though all the partying for 4th of July and my excitement for celebration and outings after I got off my wheelchair are doing a bit of a damages to my system I am slowly recovering the rest. =)

  • @ElusiveWords - See they learned that in parent school – fool the kids by letting them taste the foam.

  • Don’t be hard on yourself. 

  • I can find some connections here. My Dad passed away two years ago. Though I was often by his side during the last months, I know this was not enough. I should have spent more time with him. Anyway, I know that we did have some quality time together during his last days at the hospital.  I even brought along with me (nightly) my family, and he really enjoyed rumpling the hair of my youngest. Somehow, we gave him lots of overdue hugs and kisses. Tried as much as we could, we were no longer able to augment or replenish the waning warmth in his palms though. While you may, spend more time with your Dad. Heartwarming post. By the way, I live in Manila. Before their demise, I fetched my parents from the province to be with me for their remaining days. Now, they are both snugly resting at Himlayang Pilipino (Filipino Resting Place).

  • A good day with your Dad….glad you’re cherishing them Matt….three years is not long at all….and a life time to some…have a good week… ‘Til The Next

  • *hug hug* I finally read your entry in full! I don’t mind dessert first, hehe.

  • @GracePrince - thank you – you have a good week too.

    @mmmagination - thanks Benson – appreciate it. 

  • fyi, you spend more time with your dad more than i do with mine.  so yeah, you ARE a good son.  by the way, did he order the soy custard that early during the meal ’cause it brought back a certain memory he had with your mum?

  • @rudyhou - thanks for the nice words.  re: the soy custard, maybe, I don’t really know.  I know my mom used to make it although it was a lot of work.  btw – I hope to see you writing again soon.  

  • @ElusiveWords - i know that i’ve been neglecting my part in contributing words on my blog but i do add pics without even adding any blog, so feel free to check out my photo albums to see what i’ve been up to lately ;)

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