July 28, 2008

• Eldercare

  I spent most of Saturday afternoon at my dad’s place.  I did a bit of pruning and weeding.  I would be lying if I said I found it
  meaningful, relaxing or peaceful.  If I
  do anymore weeding, I need some gloves to battle those thistles!  Before we left for dinner, we sat out on the
  porch and relaxed.  His house is one of
  the few that has a porch big enough for several chairs.  I told him about some of the weeds and
  overgrown bushes in the back.  He told me
  that he seldom goes to the backyard.  It
  reminds him too much of the times with mom. 
  

  They spent a lot of time puttering in the garden.  They would also take their breaks on a set of
  rattan furniture underneath the big shady tree. 
  Inevitably, dad would have his newspapers and magazines along with
  numerous paper weights.  Mom would inevitably
  bring out a pot of tea for them to enjoy.  I wish he would talk to a counselor (he thinks that's just a waste of time) to help him with his grieving. 

  My conversations with dad range from long periods of
  silences, the usual weather chit chat to his childhood days, upcoming doctor
  appoints, relatives and mom.  I never know
  what to expect so I gently pry about here and there to see what he wants to
  talk about.   Sometimes I'm able to lead him back to what I need to talk about with him.  Dad guards his inner emotions very carefully.  Between my brother and sister, I seem to have the most luck getting through to him.  My sister gets frustrated because she simply
  uses a direct approach.  To her, a hammer
  will solve almost any problem.  

  One thing about my dad is that he’ll almost never tell the
  truth if he believes the truth will make us feel uncomfortable, sad or
  anxious.  He’ll cover it with white lies
  to protect us.  It worked when we were
  younger.  He shielded us from a lot of
  financial worries.  But eventually I learned
  to look at all the bills and knew instinctively that his income wasn’t enough
  to cover everything.  He almost always
  tells us he’s feeling fine (he tells the same thing to his doctor) so it’s
  always frustrating to figure out what is bothering him.  He simply doesn’t want anyone to fuss over him
  and worry about him.  So it’s always a
  bit of a challenge trying to stay one step ahead of him without letting him
  feel he’s a burden.  Being a parent to your parent - this role reversal isn't one that each of us find easy to adapt to.  

  • 12:05 AM
  • 21 Comments