January 14, 2009
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Affectionate dad
When I was growing up, my parents didn’t show a lot of emotion. I would see some of my friends getting hugs and kisses from their parents but my parents didn’t do that. When I watched TV, practically every parent would practically dole out hugs and kisses. It wasn’t that there was a lack of love in my family. I was old enough to know that. Dad was very formal with us when we were kids. The lack of hugs etc.. didn’t really bother too much but it always gnawed at me. I just wrote it off as dad being the typical Asian father.
Over the years though, little bits of information came out. His mother wasn’t exactly a great mother. She never thought much of my dad’s interest in business and commerce. She was also tough on all of the kids. From what I understand, she didn’t really know how to be a mother. One of her sons (my uncle) had a darker complexion than the rest of his siblings. As a joke, she told him that he was abandoned as a child and they picked him up from the street corner. Whenever they went out for a drive, she would point out to some street corner and tell her son – that’s where we picked you up.
I was stunned when I heard that story from my dad. In a rare moment of candor, my dad said her mom didn’t show a lot of physical affection to him. He often thought that affected his parenting style. Yet it was he who looked after my grandmother when she was old. I remembered at her funeral, I had to carry her picture. But the image that was seared in my mind was my dad following the funeral car and crying his eyes out. It was the first time I saw him cry. I wonder how much of that was the pain of the death and also of the regret of what that relationship could have been.
A lot of things make sense now about his parenting style. The deeds, actions and sacrifices he made for his family more than made up for any lack of hugs and kisses.
Comments (22)
edit: lol didn't realise i typed so much. i'm waiting for someone, and my mind wanders!
it's interesting that you had only heard the story of how your grandma treats her children now, and how it can provide a reason as to your parents style of...parenting. i see how this is similar to my parents: they don't hug or kiss.
i have been frustrated by this lack of physical affection. i've wanted to hug my mum and i've wanted my dad to talk to me more. but i dont think it's always required, our bond is still strong, though it is taking me a while to believe that my dad cares for me.
the siblings in my family are taking a stand though. if we are going overseas, we'll initiate the hugging process. it feels very unnatural, but it is nice, and at least it conveys that we will miss them.
daddy loves you.
ya i don't cook anymore professionally, long story, sad story, aka life.
but anyways. how are you?
My parents too, did not display much affectionate in front of us kids, probably they are shy about that. But they always hold hands while taking leisure walk with us. My childhood friend has a darker than usual complexion too, and his mom made that similar joke as well! How interesting!
Aww. I know what your uncle probably went through. Freaking
relatives always told me that...and that stuff is MESSED UP. Hmm, were
you told that boys weren't allowed to cry either? =/
this made me think about my dad. i actually remember him as showing little emotions too, but after thinking back, i do remember how he would always make us kiss him goodbye on the cheeks when he dropped us kids off at school. it was so embarrassing back then! ...not that anyone was peeking into the car or anything.
Nice entry, Matt. Out of curiosity, the friends you were referring to whose parents would hug them, were they Asian, too? And was this in Toronto?
One of the realizations I've had is that when we are children - and even well into adulthood - we have an image of our parents that places them above the realm of normal people. When we are young, we just assume that they know. We don't usually see doubt, uncertainty, fear, anguish, or any of the "normal" human emotions.
Even as we get older, it seems hard for that perception to be set aside, and it is only very slowly that we learn about our parents, especially their feelings. Even though I'm close to my parents, I observe that when they share stories of their life or memories of their childhood, they rarely tell me how they felt about things.
Interesting... maybe I should write about this, huh?
I can identify with your entry. My parents never showed affection to me or to each other that I could tell. Maybe they were affectionate in private. Never even saw them holding hands when we went walking. I am not sure are mom even holding my hand. I was often told my dad loved me as he put a roof over our heads and food no the table. The only time I heard the word love was in a threat. "How can we love you if you don't do better?" I think that is why I enjoyed being with friends parents.
As always, a heartwarming entry. My mom and dad were not the huggie type either when I was a kid but for some reason my mom has become the huggie type. Its so scary how much we pick up from our parents!
It's difficult :-
Most of the kids who grew up in the western cultures wonder why their parents are not affectionate like other moms and dads...
After all the studies, I realized it's really a matter of what works in the culture
Chinese culture has mom and dad sitting on the top of the family, and they are suppose to exude authority with their presence
Some people probably thought showing too much affection would ruin the kids :-
There's this huge debate on why this is
but anyway, the important thing from the study is how well the child gets brought up
I would say from the way you describe your work, being up in the office and all, doing those executive stuff, you are quite successful
in that aspect, your family succeeded
though I still don't know what you do...
trading? business? porn studio?
I totally identify with your story about your uncle being told that he was an abandoned child. I was told that I was one too, and that the woman who sold hay had to sell me so she could feed her other children. I was very fat when I was a child, and so my nose looked flat and did not have the typical "royal" bridge. So they would say that my nose was flat because I wasn't born in our family.!! what ever. As far as affection, my father loved and hugged us more than mother did.
I love this entry Matt. There is a lot of ache here. I am glad you are writing about all your feelings of love and sadness.
I could identify with different parts of this entry. I didn't hear much about my grandfather from my mom until he passed away and my mom began telling a lot more stories about him. I was also told I was found on front of a door step or in a garbage can, but for a different reason. I was a lot more fair complexioned as a child so a lot of the other people with darker skin that I was raised with singled me out as an American in a Filipino small town when I was sent away from the states when I didn't have a babysitter to care for me.
As for affection with my dad now, it's been a kind of love-hate relationship between us. I could tell he wants affection at times, but at the same time, he always ends up manipulating things and getting us into an argument over the smallest things. I'm wondering how things will turn out between us, especially now that he found a new wife.
hm...as the only child, I was being told by my parents that I was picked up from one of the garbage bins at the street corner when I was behaving extremely naughty! But my father did hug me a lot when I was smaller while my mom did it less....maybe becos my dad was not a Chinese was one reason?
maybe this is why i've been looking for a "dad," hehe!
@stepaside_loser - I love long comments. They are like mini blogs. Yeah, the few years before my mom passed away, we started hugs whenever we left their house. You know, I just want to give my mom a hug - I never had a chance during the last days when she was in the hospital.
@MadaMadaDan3 - yeah he does!
@curry69curry - awww... I never really got to see them being affectionate with each other until we were grown up. Gee.. judging from the other comments, it looks like that cruel remark / joke is more common than I thought.
@Devilzgaysianboi - yeah, that was a cruel remark / joke in my opinion. I'm pretty sure I heard that boys shouldn't cry as well.
@JonasApproved - awww... that was a sweet memory.
@christao408 - I think you should write about it. The friends were not Asian and it was in Toronto.
@Fatcat723 - when I updated my Xanga, for some reason I thought about you because you had mentioned this before too.
@brooklyn2028 - awww... I think it's great that your mom has become the huggie type.
@Wangium - thank you - that was nice of you to say (write) that. Me in porn? omg... hahaha. I dabble in IT.
@ZSA_MD - I'm glad you liked the entry. After reading the comments, there are others who have been told similar things. I could never say that to any child.
@alchemystfury - it must have been tough for you to put up with those comments growing up. I hope your dad and you will have a better relationship as time goes on.
@agmhkg - you were naughty? nah... I don't believe it! But it's interesting how your parents have different cultural behaviours.
@ABSOLUTmichael - hahaha... I'm not sure about that.
Such a great entry. Heart warming
I understand why your father cried....this is your parent, no matter what....thank you for sharing all of that...'Til The Next
I love those rare moments of insight we get from our parents. They explain SO much.
hey matt, i'm linking you on my wordpress blog
@ABSOLUTmichael - let me know what the blog is.
@CareyGLY - yeah... I just wished I knew all of this when I was younger.
@GracePrince - true... the bond is still very strong even though the parenting skills might not have been.
@Nickolaj - thanks - glad you liked it.
i didn't grow up with hugs and kisses either. now i'm always feeling so out of place whenever we get sentimental with my parents around. i also never knew the right moment or occasion to give hugs and kisses, so i usually don't and let the others to always make the first move.
@rudyhou - I have relatives in Europe and they do the cheek kiss thing. I never know if it's the left first or the right first. And some of them kiss 3 times. So confusing.
i think you always start from left to right, which means their right cheek first. well, maybe not...
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