July 26, 2009

  • I Should Have Gone

    My dad's brother passed away about a couple of months ago.   Of the original 10 brothers and sisters, there are only 4 remaining (including my dad).  Unfortunately they aren't that close although they have done a lot in the past couple of decades to close the gap.  When I found out about my uncle's passing, I asked my dad if he wanted to fly down to the funeral.  He said no.  My dad and I actually met up with my uncle along with another of my dad's brother and sister late last year.  It was a bit of a mini reunion.  I think after that trip, my dad realized how much traveling can wear him down.   I asked him if he wanted one of us to go on behalf of the family.  He quietly said "No, that won't be necessary".  

    With a couple of days to the funeral, my conscience started to gnaw at me.  I remembered mom telling us that skipping weddings was fine but we should always try to attend funerals.  I checked flights going down but by that time, the fares were well over $1,200.  It's a fair bit of money to me.  In the end, I decided not to. 

    You know how you sometimes have these nagging feelings when you wish you could go back in time to revisit your choices?  Well - this was one of them.  There's nothing like a guilty conscience that pokes and prods at you every so often.  Learn and move on...

Comments (25)

  • Oh, Matt, I'm sorry you're having those feelings.  There are so many times in life when we end up second guessing whether we should have done something.  I'm sure your relatives understand, though.  Sometimes you can't be there even for major events like this.

  • like what chris has said..,matt  sometimes it's not easy to attend all events like this, and being relatives will be more understanding.....

  • I am sorry for your loss.
    To pay final respect is important
    more for the living.
    what about connecting to those cousins who survived the loss of their father?

    I never got even the chance to attend my grandma's funeral...
    and it is indeed a sad thing.
    HUG HUG

  • Yeah, zenpaper's suggestion sounds good.

    We all make big mistakes, at least you feel bad about it, shows you care.

  • I'm sorry for your loss. A guilty conscience shows that you actually care and want to make something right.

  • Sadly, as families grow larger and spread out, the only occasions where they get together are as you point out weddings and funerals.  I'd say you can only learn from this mistake (you would not feel guilty if it was just fine) and not repeat it for the next one.  I'm not sure about airline policies nowadays but they have a discount for attending a funeral (I mean it's usually a last minute trip and not due to business) where they require a copy of the death certificate, but I think you may save about 50%. 

  • @christao408 - I'm not close to my cousins on that side of the family. 

    @agmhkg - I hope so, I just don't want to add to all the misunderstandings of the past.

    @ZenPaper - I'm not close to the cousins at all but maybe a letter might be in order.

    @stepaside_loser - thanks - appreciate it.

    @Loltothepower - I think it's the 2nd part I'm struggling a bit with... thanks for the comment.

    @TheLatinObserver - Yep... just learn from this and move on.

  • I am sorry for your loss and your Dad's loss. The idea of a wake is for the survivors not the deceased. Maybe you can connect with family over the year. 

  • True. Learn and move on... 

  • Hugs Matt, sorry for your loss. Send a nice letter and maybe some flowers to the family expressing your feelings and condolences. Explain that you you were unable to attend. They will understand and appreciate the gesture. 

  • that's a tough choice.  It's not necessarily right or wrong, but I can see how that can nag on you for a bit.

  • Well, Matt, I'm sorry for your loss. As Zenpaper suggested, trying to connect with the cousins sounds like a good idea.  

    I have not been a good relative since I moved to LA, as I have missed my grandparent, aunts and uncles funerals who passed away in Hong Kong. As you have mentioned above, the cost of airfare would be too overbearing after all. I sent my condolences through long distance phone calls.

  • This is creepy...

    Next week will be my last week of a summer course.  Missing even one day is a big deal and you get way behind really fast.

    My grandmother died this saturday, the funeral is on tuesday.  I've been agonizing over what to do.

    I want to be here for my family but that would mean missing two days of my class and all the notes that will be on my final on friday.

    My mom doesn't want me to stay but... i think i have to.  Your blog kinda reinforces that i think.  So.. thank you.

  • Funerals are for the living.  If you feel like you should be there, then you should go.  If you don't feel like it's necessary then you shouldn't go.  You should not go just because you want to keep up appearances, to have a reunion with other living family, or for a free meal.  Sometimes you should go, even if you don't feel it's necessary, to lend support to a spouse or a good friend, but otherwise, I wouldn't worry about it.

  • Im sorrry to hear about that, a very similar situation happened to me, only I had school and couldnt leave (finals thaat couldnt be made up)  and my family went without me. It really ate away at me, but I know I really couldnt have done anything about it. Its the same for you, it seems like you were in quite a bit of a buget scenerio, dont be too hard on yourself. Im not sure if your a spiritual person, but Im pretty sure your relative would understand...

  • @Fatcat723 - thank you, I think I'll do that. 

    @Dezinerdreams - thank you.

    @macphoto - their family is scattered.  Quite a few folks also suggested a letter as well - that's also been on the back of my mind.  Thank you.

    @Roadlesstaken - yeah, I know life isn't black and white ... those grays can a tough.

    @curry69curry - thanks Gary, my flight would have been a short one while yours would have been a lot longer and more costly than mine.  I am pretty sure your phone calls were very much appreciated. 

    @a_place2freely_scream - oh wow, that's a tough call.  Perhaps your teacher will give you a bit of a break and may offer some advice on how to deal with it.

    @XbabyK - hi - thank you for dropping by and for the comments.

    @wolvenchic - leaving in the middle of finals would have been very difficult for you.  I'm glad your family went.  I appreciate your comments; thank you. 

  • i'm sorry to hear this - actually my dad's sister in hong kong passed away about a month ago and none of us were able to attend the funeral...i felt badly about it but i did manage to visit her a couple years ago when i went to hk by myself (noone else in my family had seen her for 10 years)...sometimes situations like these can't be helped...sometimes all you can do is send out your condolences, thoughts and prayers...don't be too hard on yourself=(

  • I thought they gave discount fares if you are visiting for death?

    Sorry to hear and hope you feel bettter

  • @onmovement - thank you for your kind words and for sharing your experience - appreciate it. 

    @inchyguy - yeah, I'm feeling better about it.  Thank you.  

  • Matt, I'm sorry to hear about your uncle for you and your father. It's difficult when you want to do the right thing but time and of course money stands in the way some times. I'm sure your relatives do understand as we've all been in that situation. I believe you did the right thing, let you heart be light my friend.
    Be well, *~matthew~*

  • Sometimes it's a judgment call that can go either way.  Don't beat yourself up over this.  You are a loving son and a dear, thoughtful person.  You can show your sympathy & empathy and kindness to these family members in other ways.

  • Sorry to hear about what happened. I do like the end of the post about moving forward.

  • yes, move on.  that's the best way to live life.

  • @bleuzeus - sometimes I just can't help but look back and second guess my decisions.  Thanks for your kind words.

    @jojobaDESIGNS - You're right, no sense dwelling on this and there are other ways to show my support to them.

    @mmmagination - thank you Benson - yeah, I shouldn't be constantly thinking about these things.

    @rudyhou - yep, I actually feel better about it now, thanks. 

  • Sorry to hear about your uncle but you took a decision and just have to live with it. Maybe you can go visit his family one day...

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