July 27, 2009
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My Uncle's Visit
This entry was originally part of the previous entry. But it didn't really fit so I rewrote it as a separate entry.
One of my dad's brother came over for a brief visit. We haven't seen him for over 15 years. This was a good chance for my dad and him to reconnect after such a long absence. As I stood outside the arrivals gate at the airport, I tried to picture what he would look like. But it was just a vague memory. There were a few Asian guys that came out that fit the age profile. One looked right at me and walked towards me. I looked at him intently hoping for a eureka moment. But there was nothing and we broke our eye contact. Another elderly Asian guy came out and he stood there looking for someone. I walked forward to get a closer look but someone else claimed him. My uncle then came out. He looked at me and then looked past me. I called his name and then we both smiled. I am glad my uncle wasn't traveling from Asia otherwise he would have blended in with the other passengers.
During dinner that night, he told my dad that he wanted to spend time talking about the past because he had a lot of questions. I was only half paying attention as I was focusing on my food. I noticed no one else was talking. I put down my chopsticks and looked at my dad. His face was contorted and he was on the verge of tears. He told my uncle that his memory is very patchy now and he doesn't remember a lot of things anymore.
When they finally sat down to chat, my dad just talked and talked. My uncle took a lot of notes. He actually had a list of questions too. My dad's memory is starting to fade but he still seems to remember a lot of childhood events, school mates, friends, street names etc.. I took down some notes as well. There are some stories I never knew. It would have been impossible to ask my dad about those stories. There were others I knew about but new facts emerged. There's just so much oral history.
After the last dinner, I drove my uncle back to his hotel. My uncle was in the front seat and my dad was seated behind him. As I pulled up to the front door, my dad reached forward and gently squeezed my uncle's shoulder. My uncle got out of the car, opened the back door, reached in and shook my dad's hand. They said their goodbyes and the usual "send my best to everyone". My uncle also gently rubbed my dad's shoulder. With a brave smile on each of their faces, they waved goodbye and the car door closed. They don't know when or if they'll see each other again. It was quiet ride home.
Comments (20)
Wow, interesting story, Matt. Actually, one of my main objectives on this trip is to do the same thing with my 89-year-old grandparents. There are so many stories of their life that we haven't documented and I want to collect them to pass to the future generations. I'm glad that your uncle and father had a chance to meet again and that you had an opportunity to hear those stories.
@christao408 - I think it's a great idea and I hope you'll be able to document a lot of stories. Bring along pictures and ask them to share pictures too. Sometimes they are a great jumping off point for more stories.
Seems like your uncle only stayed for a short time. I guess you'll gather a lot more note if your father has a few more days to chat with your uncle. It was always nice to have distance relatives to pay a visit for old time sake.
so much will be lost
all those stories and lives!
my mom once told us the reason
why she does not want any urn or tombstone is
the generation to come will not even know who she is
and they will be like strangers so why bother?
I honestly don't know...
it is great your uncle visited...
That went pretty well I think. Too bad your uncle didn't stay longer.
Nice story ... It reminds me of a period of time I was taking my Grandfather around to meet with his brothers, cousins and other relatives he had not seen for quite some time.
oral histories are important, but sadly, so much is lost because it isn't passed on or remembered. my mom tried to sit down with her parents before they passed away to record some of their story, but i'm sure there was a lot that she didn't get to ask about. on my dad's side, there's nobody to ask; my dad's father died a long time ago (i never really knew him at all), and my dad's mom has alzheimer's and sometimes doesn't even recognize my dad. and worse, i don't know anyone else on their side of the family. it's weird; there's a whole branch of the family back in china that we know nothing about.
So many chances I missed to ask my family questions. My grandparents, My parents, even my brother and sister... Sad to know their stories can no longer be recorded or told. We each take something with us to the grave. Stories that only we can share.....
I'm glad your father and his brother were able to connect and have a talk, even if it seemed like a short visit.
Be well Matt.... fill your mind as well as your heart with as much as you can.
*~matthew~*
I'm confused. Is this the same uncle who just died?
I think you should video these conversations for posterity!!
Oral history is so important. I tried to get my grandparents to tell me more stories about their grandparents etc. I even had a tape recorder so I would not loose the history. It seemed the only time they remembered old times was at funerals and weddings.
@curry69curry - yeah, he was only here for a couple of days. I think my dad wished he stayed longer.
@ZenPaper - what your mom said is kinda sad, I hope she'll change her mind.
@Roadlesstaken - yes, the visit went well - I always get a bit nervous when relatives come over.
@TheLatinObserver - wow - that must have been quite an experience.
@kunhuo42 - maybe one day, you'll find a way to get to know that branch of the family. It's sad to hear your dad's mom - Alzheimer's is such a cruel disease.
@bleuzeus - I will - thank you.
@CareyGLY - no - this is a different uncle.
@Fatcat723 - I was thinking of taping more conversations with my dad too. It's a bit of a hassle getting the laptop out and trying to take notes.
so did they reveal the secret treasure hidden ? :p (just joking)
I know how it feels i try to go back home every year, 24 hours plane ride is not fun for older people.
I am so scared of losing my memory when I am old...
Quite a few older people I know lose their non-native language skills as they get old
Lose memory of the loved ones...
It's so sad...
My boyfriend said his dad is losing his memories now too.
He said he wanted to ask him questions before the dad lose it all.
What kind of questions were asked?
Did you find out anything interesting about your dad?
Seems like there is some bond between the brothers even though they hardly see each other. Hopefully they will get to meet again.
this just brought me to a memory:
It was this late summer years ago, my dad was sooo sick and depress, all his brothers and sisters flew over to visit him, chatting with him and shared all stories and he was pleased to have seen them at last, then he left at Fall...
family history and past memories are probably the most important facts well worth remembered and documented when possible. the older i get the more i'm interested in these things and i too have asked quite a few questions to my parents on them. currently, i have a distant uncle from taiwan who's visiting for a few weeks. he has invited me to visit him in taiwan and would glad to take me around for a road trip around the country. he's retired so he's got all the time in the world. i take this as a sign of a chance for our families in getting even closer than before. who knows, he might have past memories worth learning about. memories that my parents may not know about. i've been thinking hard about it and would certainly love to take on his offer for the road trip.
@vsan79 - uhm...close. They actually buried some money during the war and dug it up afterwards!
@Wangium - I found out a few interesting tidbits about my dad. He was a voracious reader even when he was a kid. There were a few questions from my uncle about specific incidents, people (relatives), questions about their father, stuff like that. The stories from the war were scary and I know it left a huge impact on my dad.
@mmmagination - yeah, I hope they'll meet again. My dad doesn't travel anymore and I think it'll be increasingly difficult for my uncle to travel.
@agmhkg - aww... that must have been a special moment. Thanks for sharing this special story. *hugs*
@rudyhou - I hope you'll find time to take the trip. I have to find more time to document my dad's stories.
although this was a bittersweet experience, i'm glad that you were able to learn more about your dad through your uncle. these are treasured memories and to have someone there to tease them out of him is worth its weight in gold...
i feel your pain, as i have similar difficulties with my grandmother. i wish my english was better and i had more of an understanding of her context so i could learn more about her life. that being said, she is happiest when i am simply there for her, even if she does not express it.
my mom is coping the with the gradual loss of her mom (my grandmother). although grandma is still around, things have gone downhill personality wise. in that respect, it sounds like your relationship with your dad. while i think you need to mourn such a loss, try and keep in mind it is an opportunity for you to really love your father in way that you could not have when you were younger.
again, this is all bittersweet at best, but try and hang in there. i cope by savoring those moments where i am giving and receiving love to my parents and grandma, and of any victories i can wrestle wrench from age, no matter how small.
Great story, especially the last part.
@dynamiqvision - thank you for your response and apologies for the tardiness. I hope your mom will eventually come to terms with her loss. You're right, my relationship with my dad now is so different from when I was a teen and even a young adult. I like what you wrote about savoring those victories that you can wrestle from age.
@kachino - thank you - glad you liked it.
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