August 3, 2009
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Old feelings of envy
My bf and I were at a nice restaurant a few weeks ago for dinner. We don't always eat at these upscale restaurants all the time but like to reward ourselves every so often. We had a late dinner and the restaurant was already thinning out. The prospect of rain that evening probably kept some last minute diners away too.
As soon as we sat down, we noticed a group of young Chinese diners near us. They were nicely dressed and probably just got out from work. A couple of them had cameras (including a nice Canon SLR - couldn't tell the model). They were all good looking as well and the table looked like a natural photo shoot for the restaurant. They were in the middle of their meals when we finished ordering.
I glanced at them occasionally. I quietly told my bf when I was in my early 20's, I didn't have the kind of money, clothes and toys those guys did. I felt a mixture of emotion as I watched that table laugh, take pictures and well, just looked good. I slowly put it out of my mind and focused on the food which was very good. But it was tough to quell those feelings of missing something, of not belonging and I guess envy. It's strange how those feelings that I've long suppressed can still find their way out every so often. I mean, as one of them left, I strained to catch a glimpse of the model of his camera and camera bag he was carrying (LowePro). If I was familiar with fashion, I probably would check out what line they were wearing too.
Strange isn't it... I would have thought logic and emotional maturity would have long dealt with these feelings.
Comments (27)
I think that it's natural for people that grew up without everything often resent those that have it all... money is so naturally a way to divide people. I get weird feelings when I meet students younger than me that have been able to do so much more than I was able to do because they can afford to do whatever they want.
That's how I feel when I see kids with iTouches and stuff like that. Now back in my day I was thankful if I had a cell phone that had color!
Considering this is not your first post I've read on this topic, I'd say you may never quite get over those feelings. Perhaps that might have been the toughest issue you dealt with while growing up. In a rich country where the society is too focused on material well being (and showing it off - where did gentile poverty go?) it's pretty hard for a child to deal with money issues ("why us?").
My best friend grew up poor in a border town in Texas but like you, she and her family managed to move up to a more comfortable middle class lifestyle. Even while in college with her work schedule, she managed to save some money to send home and even bought a Gamboy for one of her nephews (I'm sure this was his best gift ever and it made him really happy so I'd say that was money well spent).
Now, even for middle class, she is actually a bit concerned about her kids they go to school with kids who are wealthier and there's already some pressure from the eldest kid (6 years old and my godson) as he sees kids with certain expensive toys and he then wants them (his dad makes decent money but he won't go in debt to pretend to be more successful). Funny enough, even at that age, he knows that I make more money than his family (i.e. his parents did tell him they would not have bought the Nintendo Wii for Christmas and that he only got it because I bought it for him) and even told his 4 year old sister that his godfather makes more money than her godfather (thankfully she doesn't quite yet grasp the concept). Based on this interaction, I can see how the kids at school would be taunting each other with "I have this ... my dad drives a BMW ... etc. etc." which sucks - I honestly wish people did not go around flaunting their wealth (or credit card balances!).
I want to say those things are probably cheaper now...
At least the camera.
Anyway, if you truly felt this way, why not get those stuff you want now so you don't feel this way again when you see someone your age now having stuff you wished you had now 10 years later?
You know Matt, I can actually relate to you in many ways. Growing up, I never imagined I would be lucky enough to do the kind of things I do now! Now, I am very thankful for everything my parents have done for me because I know that things didn't come easy for them.
Why don't you try adopting a similar approach? Be thankful for what we have now instead of feeling envious about what we didn't have before? After all past is past right? You can't alter it...
@secade - yeah I know, it's just weird how the mind works sometimes. I wish I wasn't reminded of those times.
@TheLatinObserver - dude... you wrote a blog entry.
Yeah, I know I wrote about this before. I guess I'm running out of material to write.
@Wangium - the weird thing is that I have a decent SLR, a nice condo, a good salary, nice clothes (suits, not everyday stuff), I've traveled to several parts of the world... maybe my subconscious is reminding me not to take things for granted and that material things aren't the most important things to have.
@Dezinerdreams - that's a pretty good approach to take - thanks.
hey matt, i don't think your feelings about this will ever go away completely. but ...
1) you have an insight into and an appreciation of life that these kids will likely never have
2) you know as well as i do what the richest, most wonderful things in life are
3) the high we get from acquisition is like a drug fix. it goes away quickly and in the end doesn't amount to much (except the need to buy more to get that high again!)
it's natural to feel like you missed out -- the grass is always greener on the other side. that being said, use this feeling as a motivation to strive for those things you know are most important to you. a genuine and sustained love for life is the richest, most valuable thing anyone can acquire, but costs nothing.
This is a current issue with me seeing that I live in LA at the moment, and everyone I see (including my friends) are ridiculously well off. But it's a lesson in humility though since it makes me realize how much my parents had it worse. The envy gives me more motivation to work harder.
We have all gone through some of these thoughts one time or the other. There may be some who would look at you and think that you have it all. It's all relative. You have outgrown your childhood and young adolescence. It's time for you to work for your " today life". Every thing comes to you if you truly want it. Make the most of each day and offer thanks for all that you have, I think.
I got into numerous situations like yours when dinning in restaurants, seeing all those 'younger' diners who 'dressed to impress' and appeared to be much much well to do than the regular folks. I very much agree with what Zakiah noted above, it's all relative, I'm sure there's someone out there who would look at you and envy what you've got (a stable bf, nice paying job, roof above your head, etc.), make the most of each day and offer thanks for what you have!
I did that when I was young....showing the best part of me to the public....well at least at my own table. if my parents could not get me the non-essential stuff that I wanted, I would get them by working part-time....after school.....being a Label -Slave for some years until I moved over to Vancouver, Maybe I've finally grown older cos now I'm just thankful for living healthy and happily everyday!
it's natural to want something that other people have...we are all materialistic in some way...
my family was very poor when they immigrated to canada, but it's because of this that they taught me the value of saving money from very early on...it seemed almost inevitable i'd end up working for a bank =P on the flip side, my husband had everything he could have possibly wanted when he was growing up, and now he can't save a dime! not having it all taught you not to take everything for granted like my husband did when he was young, or like these kids probably do.
i guess sometimes we have to remind ourselves to appreciate the things we have, and not the things we don't.
Your entry reminded me of a quote I have from Neuropath (by Scott Bakker) that I have copied down.
"No shame, he told himself. The world was lesson enough. Ripley was already fretting over what clothes to wear, talking about how L'Oreal was better than Covergirl was better than whatever. Soon they will whine at photographes of themselves, at the sound of their voices on the answering machine, at the rust spots on the rockers of their car, and so on, and so on. Soon they would be good little consumers, buying this or that bandaid for their innumerable little shames." - pg 6
I believe it is part of our materialistic consumer culture that contaminated our sense of worth. I don't have this and that, so I am not as good as those who have it. It is the shame that was imprinted at a young age that brought back those emotion.
I am in my early 20's, I don't have the kind of money, clothes and toys those guys did
@dynamiqvision - pretty insightful comment Sion - thank you. I like #3 - the high from buying things. It's so true.
@Rm2046 - I had a comfortable life until we moved to Canada, then we struggled (though it wasn't as hard life as other immigrants). It was a complete change. We worked hard and I think I got a lot of my life's lessons growing up as an immigrant. When I started working, I knew I wasn't as smart as some folks but I knew I could outwork almost all of them.
@ZSA_MD - You always have words of wisdom - thanks.
@curry69curry - I never thought of anyone looking at me and being envious.
@agmhkg - good health and happiness, you're right about that, lots to be thankful for.
@onmovement - I didn't realize that about your family. Maybe you can write about that someday. My bf actually had tougher time than I did when he came to Canada. He really knows the value of saving and working hard. It's led to some interesting "discussions".
@ZenPaper - I suspect I'll never be fully "cured" of these thoughts. Btw - you keep quotes? I think that's pretty good.
@tomatoboi - but no one else can call themselves Tomatoboi! I think you probably appreciate things a lot more than others. Btw - I was thinking when you would do another video blog.
@onmovement - oooh...finally i'll have something write about! thanks! =)
@ElusiveWords - Yeah, I keep quotes.. lotsa them....
but never able to find them when needed. =P
You are lucky the quote is from a recent read
so I can easily find it. ^^
My family was not rich (middle class), but I went to a very prestigious high school when I was in HK and almost all my class mates are from FILTHILY WEALTHY family. They all have chauffeurs that drive really nice cars to pick them up after school. One day, I saw a class mate wearing a pretty knitted woollen sweater and I said, "Hey, that sweater is pretty! Your mom made it?" I was so surprised that he got really upset and told me that not all mothers know how to knit! Back then, almost all of my woollen sweaters were knitted by my mom and I just automatically assume it is so for everyone. That was a moment that I realized no matter how rich someone is, I have something that nobody can buy and those are my mommy-knitted sweaters! Being rich does not buy you happiness or love. So I don't have all the fancy toys or stuff all my classmates had, but having those things did not make them any happier... I realized that and stopped comparing anymore.
Interesting feeling you got. From your description, those people seemed to be rich, but I wouldn't be jealous of them. Everyone is different. I am just curious are they hot too? Hahaha.
@mmmagination - they were hot too.
I think that we all have feelings like that sometimes. No matter how mature one may usually be, we're all given to feeling giving into feelings like envy.
(I'm visiting since Chris and Zakiah talk about you all the time. Anyone they talk about has to be a pretty awesome person
)
@ZenPaper - you brought back some good memories. My mom also knitted me a sweater years ago. It's one of my most prized possessions.
@TheCheshireGrins - welcome to my humble blog. Gosh, I have a pretty good PR team!
Matt, so many of your posts make me think,, I appreciate that a lot. Where I still have an envy of others, I've begun to realize how little I actually want these days. The things I do want are deep relationships, people that I feel close to. Love, in more then just romantic ways. But these are things I've been jealous of as well as I see others who seem to have more of that too. I hope to find a place where I am content with who and what I have around me. To the point of others seeing me, and wanting the peace and calm that I appear to have and perhaps will have.
Who knows....
wishing you well my friend
*~matthew~*
@bleuzeus - I appreciate the comment and the compliment. I hope we will all have that feeling of contentment and peace.
i've learned it the hard way that it is best to never dwelt with the past when it can potentially bring us down. it's never a bad thing to remember. the past is what shaped us into a person we are today, but it's best never to purposely do so when you know it will only play with our emotions. move on and just be thankful for what you have today.
@rudyhou - true ... I think you echo a lot of the wise words I've received with this post. Always good to hear from you (and looking forward to your next entry).
next entry?? hhmm.... we'll see what i'll be in the mood to share after my diving trip this weekend.
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