September 10, 2009
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My Dad’s Private War
Whenever I chat with my dad, I pay close attention to his memory and mental alertness. His memory loss continues to be gradual but noticeable. He’ll forget relatives and how they are related to him. When I correct him on any facts, I try to balance leaving his dignity intact and getting the facts right. If it’s not relevant to the conversation, I just let it go. If he ask me who a certain person is, I just say the name and how they are related and don’t make a big deal out of it. I wished my sister would do the same thing.
The other day, I sit down beside him on the couch. I glance at the book in his hands and ask him what he’s reading. “It’s by Simon Winchester. Are you familiar with him?” I shake my head. He tells me a bit about the author and gestures to a pile of books on the table beside me. I reach over and there are a couple of more books by the same author. I read some of the background information about the author on the jacket. To my surprise and relief, it matches what my dad said.
He pulls up another book from a pile beside the couch. “The Winchester book is light reading but I really want to read this biography of Gandhi.” He’s always been around books. I glance down at the pile of books beside him. They are neatly stacked and patiently waiting for him. I barely get a chance to do serious reading nowadays.
As if on cue, he points to the piles of magazines on top of the coffee table. “Do you read the Beijing Review? No? Hmm… How about Foreign Affairs?”. I continue to shake my head. I see The Economist, Fortune, National Geographic, New Yorker and the NY Times. I tell him I get most of my news online but still try to read up on the 2 local papers. He nods although I sense a bit of disappointment. He then laments about the decline of magazines such as the Atlantic and even the NY Times. But he saves his tirade for the TV news. “You should watch the BBC News instead.” We both agree that CNN has lost its magic and integrity.
I am sure he can sense my concerns about him and he puts up a brave front. He’s already told me he knows his memory is declining. But he’s fighting it in his own way. People complain my dad is stubborn. I’m glad he is stubborn and refuses to let senility walk all over him. I know age will eventually take its course. But for now, I hope he continues to wage this noble war.
Comments (35)
It appears to me that your dad is lucky to be surrounded by sons and daughters and is under your good watch! As for me, the only opportunity is to get to speak to them over long distance calls. *sigh*
Regarding your question about Evan’s video: If I ever appear being tested on screen, that’ll scare everybody away and guaranteed me to be banished from the Xanga world! LOL
I’m happy to see that you and your father are close like that. And I agree — CNN totally sold out last year. BBC is where it’s at.
That’s so sweet. Now I need to call my dad, but I’d probably interrupt his tv shows or his building buzz from his nightly beers. haha. But he’s always sweet and misses me when I call him. I hope your dad wins…
A book you might be interested. “Still Alice” by Lisa Genova, Ph.D.
It is about Alzheimer ^^
@CurryPuffy - Gary – I feel for you and know that it isn’t easy to simply fly over to visit. *hugs*
I’m lucky to live close to him.
@upandoutward - it’s taken a while to get our relationship to this level. He was always the typical Asian dad (strong – silent type).
@masecam - go interrupt him… that’s sweet of you too.
@ZenPaper - Thank you – I’ll check that out.
It is bittersweet to watch the struggle against the advance of age and infirmity. We all will tread that path and it sounds like your father, with the love and support of his son, is doing so with great strength and dignity. I suppose sometimes you may feel a little helpless, knowing that you can’t stop stop this gradual loss of memory. You’re doing the most important thing for him, though: just being there.
@CurryPuffy - You’d make a great on-screen presence, Gary. Let’s shoot some stuff while we’re in HKG this December and give it a test run with the Xanga audience! =D
Sometimes reading about your dad scares me.
I feel like I have some of those symptoms.
I know it’s very uncommon for my age…
but I feel like I am losing my memory rapidly
@christao408 - sometimes I just don’t know what the heck I’m doing. I just sort of wing it.
@Wangium - I’m like that too. I’ll forget names and dates very easily.
You are a wonderful son to have Matt. What a pride to have you as a son. I am sure he knows it. Even though he recognizes the fact that you don’t do any heavy duty reading like he would like you to, I am sure he realizes that you are very busy and are able to read much of the news through the internet. Just being there and giving him his space and allowing him to feel the dignity and the self esteem , in and of itself is gratifying I am sure, to both of you.
Play chess or checkers with him Matt. That will keep his neurons stimulated.
@ZSA_MD - thank you for the kind words – you’re always so encouraging. I need to carve out some more time for him. He doesn’t play chess or checkers but I’m sure I can find something else.
It’s great your dad keeps reading and is informed. I’m sure that thanks to that he’ll be in better shape than if he just chose not to be engaged and learning. I’d say the one thing I’d hate to lose is my memory (after that would be my independence). My grandmother did suffer some memory impairment (I guess “senility”) but like anything she had better moments when she’d be more lucid and some really bad ones when she was not sure about the ages of her children or when she’d think my grandfather was her father.
It’s also good you have time to spend with him and patience to adapt to his condition rather than stress him unnecessarily.
i suggest you to write diary everyday… and once a while read back your old diaries… it’s a very good way not to get all these memories away from you
You are doing all that you can and that is all that matters. You are a great son and I am very sure that your dad recognizes that. Btw, if your dad doesn’t play chess or checker… why don’t you try cards? I read somewhere that playing cards, especially bridge contributes to keeping the mind sharp and away from memory loss in older people.
I don’t have that experience my self since my parents passed away pretty early at the age of 65, but I see how some of my friends dealing with it….and I just wonder how will it be when I”m at that age and condition……?
at work yesterday, we were discussing the new health plan proposal and the m.d. who is the head of the lab we’re in stated a good point — preventative health care does not cut costs because people live longer and ultimately die from other diseases that they would not otherwise have got. so i always feel it’s a tough trade-off… we live longer and get to see our loved ones live longer, but we then must face the agony of watching them suffer through things that they might otherwise never have had if they had not lived so long. deterioration of the mind is particularly tough (at least in my opinion)… but your dad is trying to keep his mind active and alert by reading, and that is a good thing!
@kunhuo42 - There’s some truth to that argument, but preventative care (especially around things like weight/diet issues) can drastically reduce costs for things like the increasing incidence of diabetes, right?. Also, if people are generally healthier throughout their life, aren’t they more likely to die of “old age” versus dying of lung cancer, heart disease and of lifestyle afflictions?
Using my paternal grandparents as a case in point, my grandfather died after a long, painful and expensive battle with prostrate cancer – something that could have largely been more easily and cheaply dealt with had they known more about screening tests in those days. My grandmother lived a very healthy life and other than a few minor issues, passed away at 92 from old age. Costs associated with her (thanks to regular check-ups and healthy living) were much, much lower.
You are a great son
It is hard to see our parents change as they age. My dad has advanced macular degeneration and is nearly blind. That is really hard because he has always been an avid reader and writer. Now he listens to books on tape.
I think that it is really fantastic that your dad has chosen to fight his battle by reading and staying informed. Reading anything will stimulate the mind a little bit but choosing to read things like the Economist or difficult books really has the ability to help a lot. Also, the simple notion of being willing to fight himself will also help!
Your father sounds like a wonderful man. And you are a good son. This was beautiful.
You are a fantastic son. Even though I lost my father before old age or memory loss ever got to him, I remember having to do some of the same things as his brain began shutting down from his cancer. And I don’t regret a millisecond of it.
Your dad sounds like someone I would enjoy meeting and spending sometime with – maybe debating lol. Besides reading I am told crosswords are excellent ways to keep the brain alive.
Sigh! Reminds me of my dad. He’s 75 and memory isn’t as great as before. Or maybe he thinks too much.
it’s a similar sign of aging that i see more and more with my dad. at times it’s frustrating that he asks questions that i know he knows the answer but always forget about. sigh… patience, patience… that’s what i keep telling myself.
Your dad’s reading sounds very impressive. It is very good of you to be supporting your dad the way you do. I don’t think you can be doing any more to be a great son. My dad only reads one newspaper in Chinese, but he tends to be more about gardening than reading. My dad and I don’t talk anywhere near the same amount you and your dad seem to, however, I know you’ve put in a lot of effort to get to where you two are now.
You are so sweet and patient with your dad. I wish I could find your patience when dealing with my parents. I think I need to mature in that department!
@TheLatinObserver - it’s certainly not easy watching this and watching him struggle. I think I have to watch my health to make sure the odds are on my side when I get older.
@lcfu - I guess this blog is a bit like that but it’s not a daily diary or journal. I should start doing this – thank you.
@Dezinerdreams - I overheard him telling someone he feels like a burden which was a bit scary to me. He’s not big on cards either. I’ll see if there are some other games, puzzles or other mental activities to keep him stimulated. Thanks for the suggestions and the compliment.
@kunhuo42 - maybe I’ll get him to read some of your papers.
I think preventative health care will free up the already scarce resources (beds, staff, equipment…) and ultimately lower costs.
@yang1815 - thank you – appreciate that. There are days when I feel like I don’t do enough though.
@mammaquiet - I’m sorry to hear about your dad’s condition. It’s tough and cruel watching parents age and are doubly burdened with these conditions / illnesses. I your dad gets is still able to enjoy the audio books. Thank you for dropping by.
@TheCheshireGrins - yeah… I really admire him for this.
@MooncatBlue - he is a great guy, thank you for the compliment and for visiting.
@CrazySwede - I appreciate the compliment. I’m glad you have no regrets and that is encouraging for me to do more. Thanks for dropping by.
@Fatcat723 - I think you would enjoy meeting him. He doesn’t have a college degree (because of the war) but has tried to compensate for that but reading voraciously since he was very young. He hates losing a debate. It would be amusing for me to watch the two of you go at it. I’ll see if he’s into crossword puzzles.
@mmmagination - I hope you’re doing ok and coping with his age and any age related illnesses.
@rudyhou - ah… another fellow in the same boat as I am. Patience is certainly one of the keys to this. I wish you well.
@stepaside_loser - maybe you can get him some books on gardening. Are there other Chinese books / magazines he might be interested in? (I don’t read Chinese so I can’t help with any recommendations). Well, I don’t chat with him as often as I want to – at least once a week. Midweek is the worse because of work. I have to redouble my efforts.
@brooklyn2028 - gosh… I certainly don’t get the impression about you. Maybe you’re under estimating your level of patience.
@ElusiveWords - I’m not impatient but I think you are more patient than me.
yes … it’s tough to go through old age via one’s parents. It certainly makes one wonder about the future.
@ElusiveWords - Books on gardening – hey, that’s a good idea. Thanks. I live with my dad, so chatting is much easier – but we just don’t chat. I’ve found that drinking red wine with my dad leads to conversations, so I might do more of that
I hope your dad shows his appreciation for your efforts, Matt.
I found your site through a search on “war” actually and enjoyed your post. Your father is lucky to have you around. I was wondering what you thought about the “Truth Movement” you being a thoughtful, caring person: Declassified: The Truth Will Make You Free
@templestream - thanks for dropping by. I’m not sure what to make of the truth movement. I haven’t really looked into those at all.
@ElusiveWords - The Truth Movement is worth looking into because the issues it addresses are extremely relevant to what’s going on on a worldwide scale. The main idea is that freedom was attacked on 9/11 and it was not really a surprise attack, as it was made out to be.