September 25, 2009
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More raw entries
You know, I never understood how mom was able to cook dinner for all of us after coming home from work. She never complained about it. Occasionally, she would call ahead and ask us to cook rice, or to set the table. Those were the easy stuff. Now when I come home after a tough day at work, the last thing I want to do is cook. I just can't figure out how she made it look so easy. I took it all for granted. Looking back, I wished I learn to cook earlier.
I'm not sure what made me write that. I can't say "there isn't a day that goes by when I don't think of my mom." anymore. I have to confess, there are days when life just goes on. I don't know if I should feel guilty about it. I miss her but I've also moved on. I know that doesn't sound right.
You know what was one of the first steps in moving on? It was the first time my bf and I had sex after after my mom had passed away. It took awhile before we did anything. It was a gentle, tender moment - the sort of thing you would do when you re-enter back into the day to day living. It was a strange mixture of happiness, lust, sadness and guilt. To this date, I still can't quite describe that feeling.
I'm not sure I like these "raw entries" anymore. I just seem to lose control over what I'm writing. My fingers just click away on the keyboard. Type a few words, back space, type some more... and some raw thoughts would come out. In a few weeks, I hope to get a replacement computer and these raw entries will cease. My spin doctors will sanitize everything before they get published. (just kidding of course....)
Comments (24)
I'm trying to get into cooking right now. My whole family can cook, so I figure I should have the talent as well. So far so good; as long as I get instructions I usually do well.
Mommies are amazing superheros!
It is not easy to be a working mom who also needs to prepare dinner for the family.
I think it is an art that will soon be lost...
Matt, I think the most important thing is, your mom lived on in you!
I think she will be happy knowing how you are living your life.
If you haven't yet, go watch TAKING WOODSTOCK. To me, it is a coming of age story, and how parents eventually let their children go.
Your mom will be glad to let you go because you live on for her! ^^
You are so lucky to have the support and understanding of a good bf by your side. Don't lose sight of that! ^^
I love these raw entries... ^^ T.Merton is my favorite monk! ^^
@Roadlesstaken - good stuff - this skill will be handy when you cook dinners for your dates.
@ZenPaper - thanks Evan, I appreciate what you just wrote. I only heard of Thomas Merton from you and Rob (Fatcat723). I saw these 2 books at a closing out sale and finally started to read it. (ok - page 1). There's so many books I still want to catch up on. I haven't heard of Taking Woodstock - I'll add it to the list of movies to watch. Thanks again..
Matt I love your raw entries. All children eventually realize what great human beings their mothers are/ were. Please don't stop writing about your thoughts. And life moves on. That's what life is all about. Move on and make space for things and thoughts. No guilt there.
Most parents are amazing.
Very nice, understanding, and supportive bf.
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Passby~^^
your raw entries are actually interesting and quite powerful to draw lots of readers attention including me... just keep on expressing your thoughts! on the other hand it's never too late to learn cooking with all the good cooks here I'm sure they have all the lovely ideas for you!
So call then raw entries and I call them the writings of the inner person. You give me a chance to know you and at the same time dive into my inner self. It is self discovery. Parents are always with us. I do things that remind me of my father and mother. I see my sister acting exactly like my mom is some situations. OH, if you have a chance make sure you read "Seven Story Mountain" the original written by Merton.
I hope you are kidding about the new computer and ceasing these entries. Truly, these "raw" entries have been some of the most thought-provoking and feeling-filled entries you've posted in a long while.
The role of mothers who hold up much more than half the sky, is vastly under appreciated. The strength to raise a family and run a household in addition to holding a job is super-human. And yet millions of women manage it.
Your description of moving on after your mother's death is beautiful. Of course you have questions about how you should feel. The distinct images of her will fade and there will be times when you'll feel like you are losing your memory of her. There will be times when you'll be angry with yourself. There are times you'll feel guilty. But the fading of these distinct images doesn't negate the more lasting impressions, the ones that are embedded on the very fibers that make up the core of your being. Your mother shaped you and touched you in a way that will never go away. Those impressions carry on as you touch the lives of other people, showing the same love and caring and concern that your mother showed you.
i feel the same way; my mom did the majority of the cooking in the house, and i don't know how she kept up with all the cooking and housework along with raising us and working full time. i can barely manage to do half the things she did on a daily basis, although i can definitely understand her appreciation of warming up leftovers!
i like your raw entries; they give us sort of an unfiltered view of who you are and what your thoughts and emotions are like. since we'll probably never get to see a picture of you, this is probably the closest some of us will come to getting to know who you really are, and i really appreciate that!
that was really touching. this post shows clearly that you love your mother, and that she loved you. i'm a bit teary, it makes me think about how precious my parents are.
Maybe you've established such a deep, trusting connection with your readers that we WANT it raw? You know, we don't need all that protective editing and such anymore. Give us your thoughts hard and unedited and we'll gladly just take it all in. We like it raw.
o.o
Yes ... raw entries just reflect a burst of your emotions and thoughts. Many times I have had some thought and then said to myself "I should write an entry on this" but most of the time I either forget or don't post it in the end.
I love to cook but I only have one man to cook for, so no kids to distract me. Keeping a perfect house is hard, but I can't live in it when it's messy. But I also dont work full time, so I dont know how you do all that together.
yeah, it's nice to be able to cook for someone. I've been cooking a lot lately recently as well for the special someone. Even though I still have my mom around, I could only imagine how hard it will be when I'm eventually in a similar situation like yourself and can't see mom anymore. Perhaps I'll cook something for her soon.
Sometimes its nice to get lost in your own words though...
Moms of that generation are literally like super moms. They even get laundry done in the mix too. American TV moms don't even compare!
You entry touches me but that is no surprise. You have a wonderful way of moving others emotions through your own experiences and words. You write so well even if you feel that the recent creations are too raw. It all reads very well to me. I do understand the process though, of putting your thoughts down and being able to do them exactly as you have in the past, but please dont' let the fact that you're unable to do that right now stop you from sharing.
I am in deep thought now of my own members of the family who have passed. I will thank you for that nudge to keep them close in memory.
Be well friend,
*~matthew~*
@ZSA_MD - moving on and remaining guilt free - that's so important but also difficult. Zakiah, thanks for your kind words and support.
@yang1815 - amazing parents and bf, I'm a lucky guy.
@comingss - looks like something went wrong with a copy and paste?
@agmhkg - yeah, lots of good cooks and foodies here in Xanga. I think I'll balance my "raw" entries with other entries.
@Fatcat723 - Thanks Rob - I will read that book as well. These raw entries are interesting. Sometimes things don't have to be "polished" for it to be effective.
@christao408 - I think we went to the cemetery every week with flowers. Gradually these visits began to diminish over the years. Moving on does take time. But when you realize you are moving on, there's also a sense of guilt. Thanks for the words of comfort Chris - it's very much appreciated.
As for the raw entries, I do remember that's how I started writing in Xanga. I think I'll keep them around and balance it with some of the "polished" entries. Does that mean my other entries weren't thought provoking and feeling filled?
@kunhuo42 - Oh Aaron, leftovers are sometimes my favorite meals. lol... after a long day at work, it's so great to simply head into the fridge and heat up some food in the microwave. Hmm... I'm posting a thousand words to make up for the picture. You know, I remember ages ago - you posted a picture of yourself. You simply said "hello" in the entry. Despite my poor memory, that's one of the things I remember about you.
@stepaside_loser - parents are precious. I cook for my dad every Sunday (we actually eat out on Sundays). It's a bit of chore but I just think of all the sacrifices he's made for us and it doesn't feel like a chore anymore.
@secade - it's interesting, some of my readers have been following my blog for a few years. While others are relatively new. It's hard to connect with each one on the same level. I guess "raw" entries can be pretty effective
@TheLatinObserver - yeah, I think I'm gonna do more of them. Just keep it simple.
@masecam - keeping a house neat and tidy is one of my constant failures. No matter what I do, clutter seems to just spring up everywhere.
@alchemystfury - yes, pls do cook something for her. I'm sure she'll enjoy it.
@TheCheshireGrins - maybe I need a bit of a balance. I guess some entries lose a bit of emotions and essence after it's been wordsmithed and polished.
@JonasApproved - hahaha - yeah, moms are the true heroes.
@bleuzeus - Matthew (love that name) - thank you, my ego swells up whenever I read your compliments about my writing. I hope the deep thought wasn't too emotional and sad. But rather thankful and grateful that they have touched our lives so deeply and will be remembered. Have a great week.
Actually, "raw entries" aren't bad. They are best when they are in the moment. I sometimes become lazy and thought I want to type something, then the next day, I don't feel like it anymore because it's not in the moment.
I think all feelings fade as time goes on. They are not forgotten though... just pushed to the back. It's all good.
So you are going with another PC then?
@mmmagination - yeah, the raw entries remind me of my early days of blogging. It's fun just opening up the box and starting to type something. As for PC, I think I was just using the generic term. I'm leaning towards a MacBook Pro.
@ElusiveWords - Not in the least, but when we spend a lot of time editing and polishing an entry, we sometimes end up engaging in a bit of self-censorship.
@ElusiveWords - The manner in which you can bond with readers depends a lot on THEIR desire to invest themselves in your life. They can read every entry, comment in a witty manner, and yet you have no relationship at all. Someone else could read some, comment occasionally, and understand you so much better.
@ElusiveWords - Definitely are!
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