November 15, 2009
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Cycles of life
I attended a wedding recently with my family. The happiness I felt for the bride and groom was tempered by my gloomy and cynical mood. It was an unusually warm and sunny day for November. The setting in the small town church was beautiful and everyone was happy. I smiled politely and made the usual niceties. I took a few pictures but didn't try to get any good shots. It was just point and shoot. I kept one eye on my dad as he started to wander off to the parking lot. Someone asked to take a picture of me and my dad. He said no and said "take a picture of my son instead and send it to all the girls you know." There were chuckles all around although I cringed at that remark.
On the way back home, I started to pay a bit more attention to the rural scenery. It was beautiful and inviting. I made a mental note to come back again with my bf. The thought of this gradually softened my gloom. I took my dad to dinner later that evening so he won't eat alone. As we sat down, the manager came around to welcome us. My dad told the manager that he was famished. We quickly ordered 2 dishes, chicken and fish. We chatted a bit here and there as he was content to just eat. I dropped him off afterwards back at his house. On the way out, I took a pile of letters to be mailed out. It's bills and some donations to charities. I didn't want to say anything. I don't want to take over managing his finances yet. As I drove off, I wave back at him. It's our little routine.
Was it a nice way to end the day? Well, not really. During the day, he forgot my name and called me by another name. I had expected this for years now. I just continued on as if nothing happened. His pride is more important than my name. Aging gracefully - I hope I can do this when the time comes.
Comments (30)
I wish I did know my brain will hold on by the time I'm in my 70s or 80s. My grandfather was very lucid until the very end whereas my grandmother went through ups and downs (say looking at my grandfather with a "who is he?" look on her face and calling him dad).
I recently called my dad in Hong Kong, it was good talking to him, he can still recognize my voice. I'm looking forward to spend time with him this coming Christmas. Matt, your entries inspired/reminded my little moments with my dad too!
Our parents spend the first few years managing us and they spend their last few years being managed by us. How do childless people adapt?
@TheLatinObserver - yeah, I'm taking ginko pills and other things although my doctor said those won't really help. I've read the best thing to do is to keep the brain stimulated (learning new things, reading, puzzles....).
@CurryPuffy - Gary - it's just a few more weeks before your trip back. It seemed so far away when you first wrote about your Christmas trip.
I wonder if I would have a son or anyone to take me to places or watch over me, checking if I'd wander off to the parking lot or having a meal with. I wonder what it would be like to be old and alone.
@thetemptor - I don't know. I guess we have to build up our own network of friends and other professional helpl. I had a paragraph about me growing old without a son / daughter to look after me. I took it out.
@ZenPaper - I guess I'll just grow old and blog instead of going out. See my previous comment... well, at this time, I don't really want to think about it yet.
I am in the last cycle of life. But my body is going but my mind is still pretty good. Love him, Matt, Love him.
@ElusiveWords - yeah ... gotta keep using the brain ... it's not a muscle but if we get too "lazy" it's not good on a long term basis.
I had to chuckle a bit at the part about your dad telling people to send your pics to all the girls they know. I know I've said it before but you seem like a really good son.
How gracious of you to think first of your dad's dignity and pride rather than your own name. See why I love you so much Mattie?
Glad you had dinner with him. Does he think he would like to play chess or scrabble or checkers with you sometime? Might make both of you happy.
I feel like everything is such a gamble lately. Genetics are roulette. It's to imagine living in a fog...
@brooklyn2028 - he still makes me laugh. I wish I could be a better son (ie. spend more time with him). Work and other things tend to get in the way. I had dinner again with him tonight and he seemed frail but was better after he ate. Thanks for the compliment Sheldon.
@ZSA_MD - he's not into these board games. But I'll see if I can dig up my old scrabble set. I'll have to think of some things that we can do together. Thanks for the suggestions.
@secade - I hope I won't live in a fog when it comes time.
@Fatcat723 - just keep staying sharp and mentally active. I suppose spiritual active is good too.
I think we all could spend more time. Me included. I need to go have dinner with my dad more often. I see my mom a lot since we work close but I only see my dad once a week...
@brooklyn2028 - yeah, I only see him once a week. Sometimes when I call him, he can't hear the phone ringing. He's a bit hard of hearing so he has the TV on pretty loud.
Rural scenary ? Like how rural ?
@vsan79 - cows, horses, fields of corn (all dried), barns, tractors ... it's just on the outskirts of the city (considering how far the urban sprawl is).
That's very nice of you Matt.
Hopefully next day will be brighter!
@yang1815 - thank you.
@mmmagination - yeah, he was better the next day.
Oh, Matt, that's so hard. My parents really aren't that old yet (still in their late 40s) but I'm scared of the day that I'm going to have to start taking care of them. It's hard to watch your parents get old.
hi matt!
Oh, you poor thing. I was reading this and wondering why you were in such a down mood but then read the last bit about him mixing up your name and now I completely understand. The image that crossed my mind is being at the start of a long, rough journey and realizing that you have no choice but to continue foward. This is going to get harder, I'm sure, and for whatever little comfort it is please know that there are a lot of us thinking about you and wishing you and your father all the best.
Aw *hugs*. I can't imagine how it would feel if my father doesn't remember my name one day. I admire your strength on times like these.
every time I read your blog , it mentally brings me closer to my late parents. Though I know it's not an easy job to look after your dad, I feel that it's also a privilege that you have that chance..For me the only time I can kind of seeing and talking to them is in my dream.
@TheCheshireGrins - it can be hard but by the time your parents get to be that age, you're better equipped to deal with it.
@ABSOLUTmichael - hi Michael!
@christao408 - thank you Chris. It's a combination of work and stuff like this. I don't have time for a lot of other fun things right now.
@Rm2046 - I'm not sure if I'm that strong. Thanks for the hugs.
@agmhkg - hugs for you.
There are moments when it doesn't feel like a privilege. But when I sit down and think about it, I do agree with you.
I often wonder as I get older who will be kind enough
to take me places. I cerainly hope
that I have nephews and nieces that enjoy my company then
as they seem to now. Time holds those secrets.
be well my friend
*~matthew~*
Aw.. I'm tearing up a bit.
If your career posts scare me, than your dad posts remind me of why I want to work hard... for my parents.
I really enjoyed the comments you received on this post. We obviously all think you're doing a lot of good for your dad, and we hope that there's more good to come.
I don't eat out with my parents at all. I think it's time I start doing so, because they rarely treat themselves out.
@bleuzeus - I wonder the same thing myself sometimes.
@stepaside_loser - well, since you gotta watch your budget maybe you can cook a dish or two during dinner time or do the week's laundry. Sometimes these "little things" can mean a lot. Although I know you already do a lot by taking the dogs out.
@ElusiveWords - Yeah, I'm sure if I learn how to cook a dish or two they'd like, that would be nice for them. Thanks for the tips.
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