December 14, 2009
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Not Ready for Retirement Home
Years ago, my uncle from Hong Kong was visiting and he wanted me to drive him to a Chinese retirement home. We had distant relative there in a special ward. I didn't know this relative that well although I've met his son a few times. The father was suffering from Alzheimer's disease. We were told he would walk out of the house in the middle of the night to meet up with his friends for dimsum. Some of those friends are in Hong Kong. He also would suddenly not recognize family members. It caused a lot of stress for the family and they realized they couldn't take care of him anymore.
They made the difficult decision to move him to the retirement home where he could be taken care off and monitored. When my uncle and I got to the retirement home, we were told which floor to go to. We were also given instructions to wait for an attendant to let us into the floor. Once we got to the floor, I noticed the special combination locks on the doors. There were signs everywhere to alert visitors not to let the patients out. As we walked towards the main nurses station, an elderly woman called out to me.
She said to me in Chinese "You're finally here to visit me." She smiled and slowly came over to talk to me. I wasn't sure what to do so I just smiled. She then stated to call me her son and kept on talking. An attendant noticed this and slowly guided her away. But she kept telling the attendant "but that is my son!" It was sad to watch all of this unfold in front of me.
As I was having dinner with my dad today, I couldn't help but remember that scene. While my dad's memory and faculty are still decent (well, not bad for someone his age). He is getting forgetful a lot now and his gait is somewhat unsteady at times. I'm just not ready to handle moving him to a home yet.
Comments (27)
I know how you feel. Old age is catching up to my Mom too. I really hate seeing it.
That's really sad =/ . I wonder if her son does ever visit but she doesn't remember.
@dikdoktor - yeah - I hope things work out for the best for you and your mom.
@Roadlesstaken - I often wondered about that too. I think it's her memory since she mistook me for him.
Some retirement homes have a sort of halfway unit for people with Alzheimer's who are not yet completely confused. They use a wristband alert to prevent the residents from disappearing, but the residents otherwise have pretty free reign of the facility. It's difficult to move a parent to a retirement home for any reason -- we just moved my mother this year to Assisted Living -- she hates having to be there, and that is hampering her adjustment, but she didn't feel safe at her home, and this was the best alternative. It doesn't get any easier as time goes on, either for you for for your parent. My thoughts will be with you as you go through this painful process
.
I really am thankful I did not have to take my old folks to a retirement home. Anyway, my Mom passed away at the ripe age of 78, and my Dad, 77. Before they went their way, I could still talk to them and they still recognized me.
This is really sad. You are brave Matt, I am not sure how I would handle this if it ever (I sincerely pray never) happens to me.
You're a good son...and a good man.
Aw. Yeah I vowed never to put my parents in a retirement home after working in one. I would opt for a live-in caretaker than do that. I just can't imagine putting my parents into a home full of strangers and not with loved ones.
I am getting to the age where I have to plan for something or someone to take care of me. I willl be 70. I had a back operation. While I am working, I notice the house is a little more dusty. My mind is still sharp - well not dull. But the body is not cooperating. I have visited nursing homes with our church group and as sadden at what I see - lonely people - even though the staff was trying to get them to socialize and do things together. I guess I saw it as a place to wait out time. You are not ready for the home. Matt. But you are a good son to take your dad to visit relatives.
Yeah I hope that won't happen soon Matt.
I used to volunteer at a nursing home in high school and college. I was paired up to visit two different residents. One was simply in the regular nursing home part and the other was in the Alzheimer's ward. I was very scared and nervous the first time that I had to go to the Alzheimer's ward. Eventually I got used to it but it took me awhile. So many of the people in there were just lonely and wanted someone to talk to because they didn't have any family to visit them. It was really, really sad!
alzheimer's is so sad... my dad's mom has alzheimer's and i don't know if she recognizes my dad anymore. she certainly doesn't know who i am.
unsteady gait happens a lot in elderly people, and for a wide variety of reasons. has he gotten that looked at?
Never easy.
Let's hope it is many years (or maybe never) until your dad needs to go into a home.
This makes me think of my mortality.
I am not sure how I am going to die...I am not sure if I wanted to go to a home myself.
hope you will never need to make the decision.....
I know the feeling, my own father is becoming this way also and it's scary for me.
I don't think I would though, put him in a care home, I mean. He's taken care of me for so long, it's not only that I need to repay him; but also it's a matter of honor and duty and service to him. And if I did, it would have to be a very very good one. I actually work with helping people with Long Term Care.
@slmret - thank you for the comforting words, much appreciated.
@Norcani - that is a blessing to be able to talk to them right till the end.
@Dezinerdreams - sometimes we can't (as much as we like to), control the future. Let's hope for the best. Thanks for the kind words.
@CareyGLY - thanks Carey, that's nice of you.
@Rm2046 - a live in caretaker is an option, I know my dad won't like it but I think he can be persuaded. Some retirement homes are very depressing from what I have read (and I'm sure you would agree from your experience).
@Fatcat723 - maybe you can check into a part time helper / cleaner to look after some of those chores. Keep that mind sharp Rob and keep on writing.
@yang1815 - I hope so too Andy.
@TheCheshireGrins - you're right Meg, it's sad. It's worse if they have relatives but none of them want to visit.
@kunhuo42 - I feel for your dad. The doctor knows about it, the only thing he said is to use a cane (which he hates). But I make him take it with him all the time. He hates it when I walk beside him as well (except in snowy / icy conditions).
@pureboy123 - yeah, just gotta stay positive.
@christao408 - I agree... just gotta stay hopeful and optimistic. But I also have to a backup plan.
@Wangium - don't focus too much on this, you're young and health with a long, long life ahead of you.
@agmhkg - I hope so too.
@arenadi - I feel the same way as well. Are you working full time in that capacity or doing volunteer work w/ folks needing LTC?
@ElusiveWords - Oh no, I don't do actual Long Term Care work. I work with helping people set up Long Term Care planning, the financial part.
How sad for you that you had to witness that side of Alzheimer's disease. She probably does not have a son as young as you, or perhaps never had. The tricks that get played on the mind of these folks. I hope that you, as a wonderful son that you are, will always have your dad beside you and take care of him in his home and not in a nursing home. God's grace on you and your dad Mattie.
okay i work in a retirement home and it SUCKS to see old people like this! they cant feed or clothe or toilet themselves, well thats life
I agree with Zakiah. You have been a good son all along, and nice enough to accompany your uncle for a visit. My friend's mom had this disease, and at one time, the mom did not remember her family members. Well, I guess we have to take up the task of caring for our parents at times like these?
@ZSA_MD - thank you, I will find a way to look after him. I think a retirement home will be the last resort.
@nomilktoday - yeah it is very sad to witness this.
@CurryPuffy - Gary, I know we'll have to somehow deal with this. Thanks for your kind words too.
don't even think about it, matt. don't go there. though it's natural for you to have these worries, you would only stress yourself out to think of these things. just enjoy your time with him and his memory while you can. in the end, what matters is that you have always been there for him, right?
@rudyhou - I'm sort of the type of guy who worries a lot about things.
well, try NOT to. ask your bf to give you a soft whack on the head every time you do.
I was lucky enough not to have to make that choice.
It wouldn't be easy, and it's usually not a pleasant
place to visit given that so many of those in places
such as that have a hard time recalling family and friends.
I know they are necessary, the facilities that is.
Take care Matt.... I think of you often and hope you are well.
*~matthew~*
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