March 29, 2010
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Finding Memories
I don't have a lot of storage in my condo and it always looks messy and cluttered. Today as I was clearing out some things from a book case, a few parking receipts fell on the floor. As soon as I saw it, I knew what they were from. It was from the parking lot across from the hospital where my mom passed away. I parked there every time I visited the hospital. I remember how expensive it was. The fees range between $10 to $21 a day, depending on how long I stayed. The first receipt one I picked up was the day when she passed away. A bunch of memories suddenly flooded in.
There are a lot of things I want to remember now. But back then, I pretty well buried those memories into the deep crevasses of my brains. Those last few days were not easy to handle. I didn't want to talk to anyone at all. I just kept it all inside. I've always been like that.
As I held the receipts, I debated whether to throw them out or not. In the end, I just tucked them back inside the book shelf. It's illogical. I told myself, maybe I want to start documenting some of those things I've long buried and deal with it. But I don't know why or if it is even healthy to do this. I've moved on already. Why look back?
I'm sure this is simply bewildering to all of you.
Comments (42)
documenting them shouldn't hurt a thing, if you feel like doing it, do it! You will know if what you're doing doesn't end up feeling right. I document pretty much everything as part of a creative process, but then again, I have to write, so I guess I just draw from life experiences for my writing.
I too of fond of keeping just anything. Receipts, gift wrappers, etc. Surprisingly, I find some use for them later on. And I thank myself. Thank you sharing this.
the memories within, that's why. moving on doesn't means forgetting right? moving on means acceptance.
.. what can I say... I can't really fathom my parents dead, so it's hard for me to relate other than to feel a great deal of sympathy.
however, i am a person that likes to keep random things as a reminder of the past. it's why i keep anything from my uni days that has a drawing on it. it's why i keep all my journal entries.. and is why i consider anything i write to myself... even if it's just two words, as a journal entry that i put into a laundry basket (there's a lot of stuff in it).
this is probably not tactful to say, but in the end, i think about things this way: 'we're all going to die anyway...why worry about the small things'.. like keeping things absolutely tidy.
I have had the same thing happen when I find things left by my parents. I live in their home now since they have died. I do keep the stuff in a particular place. Some of them are interesting - my mom cookbook for one. My dad's old golf clubs which I am sure at nor usable now. Do what you feel is best for you.
Since you've moved on already, it wouldn't be unhealthy to look back.
BTW that's expensive. No free parking at the hospital?!
Just go with what your heart tells you to do. I keep so many mementos from things that bring back a flood of memories. I don't think it hurts one bit. Hold on to what you want to and be sentimental. Its good for the soul.
I am sure you would have tossed out those receipts had they not brought back those memories - as painful or sad as they might be.
Misty eyes here
My dad passed away years ago. I still keep several of his letters to me. Somehow, I could not bring myself to throw them away. I guess it is ok to keep something physical to link.
Awe Matt. Hugs. I agree with Jill. Doe what your heart feels.
I do the same sort of thing. Last time I was at my parents' house, I found myself looking at a lot of pictures and letters from my ex that passed that I had put away when we broke up. It can be cathartic to look at that stuff even if you have moved forward. The past is prologue.
I'm not sure that "moving on" in the grieving process means you go through a door that is closed behind you, never again to be opened. We revisit memories and moments again and again, processing and filtering them. The pain fades a bit over time, but I wonder if it can really fade away until we're done processing those memories.
You might be coming to the point when it's time to open the door and revisit those final days' memories. It may be very painful but maybe the time that has passed is enough so that you can do some more processing.
Maybe my response is more bewildering than your entry!
I think everyone deals with situations differently and what is right for one may not be for another. If it's right and helpful for 'you' then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
I think that sometimes it can help to examine memories and the past from a different angle- find a way to challenge your perceptions and your pains, and to see them from somewhere besides behind your own eyes. I tend to throw away almost everything because I know that physical manifestations of painful memories are a crutch and a thorn in my side, and although the act of removing these things from my possession and my sight does not aid me in moving on, it does allow me to face those memories with enough detachment to be rational.
The second paragraph reminds me a lot of your description of your father.
I keep the photo album that my grandmother had in a ziplock bag. I should explain that, growing up, my grandmother was probably one of the few source of warmth I've felt when I was young. I felt like my whole world was crumbling and I could literally see everything going black when I heard she passed away after I moved to the States. Without a way to travel back to Taiwan, I had no way to attend her funeral to grieve. Years later, after everyone took care of her belongings, I was lucky enough that my mom brought me the photo album. Every sleeve was packed with 3 or 4 more pictures than it should. There was only 1 picture of my grandmother. Still, I kept it. I kept it in the ziplock bag because I thought the album had her smell. I am not sure if she actually smells like that now, since the memory of the scent is long gone. I don't think there was much significance with the photograph of her for me, and I don't think I have ever taken out that album from the ziplock bag for the fear the scene might be carried away. It is just there as a reminder of the memories I have with her which always warms my heart when I glance at the album in the ziplock bag.
Momentos... I have a lot of them!
Sometimes, I wish Psychometry really exist so memories can be better preserved.
It is the "mnemonic clues" that were invested in these objects that give us such personal significance!
Sometimes I wonder if archaeologists from the far future dug up something of mine, would they know what's the deal that I have hounded up so much nonsensical things?
Well Matt, I still kept the video tape of the birthday party which my departed partner organized for me during the good times. Once in a long while, I happened to review the video, that familiar long lost background voice and images, making me remembering back all those long lost moments. It's very hard to "bury" or "discard" any sort of memories. I have the same questions as you, but I don't think that's bewildering at all. It's healthy to look back and cherish all your moments. I think that's part of life/living. ^0^
@And_I_love - thanks for offering your perspective. I've forgotten about just using my own intuition to guide me. Thank you for the rec.
@Vynor - My parents grew up during the war so they tended to keep lots and lots of things around too.
@Renatojr3 - true, I think I'm just a bit nervous about throwing anything that is related to that event.
@stepaside_loser - yeah, I think the most important things will be the ones that will reside in me.
@yang1815 - it's odd, I read your comment a couple of times before I notice "wouldn't". I kept seeing "would". My eyes must be playing tricks on me. As for parking, the parking lots that surround hospitals charge a tidy sum. But at that time, I didn't really care anymore.
@heart_beep - thanks for the advice - I appreciate it.
@TheLatinObserver - I think I will toss them out eventually and just hang on to the memories. What I didn't remember was the time frame, there was a time stamp in the receipt as well. Sigh... this is crazy...
@stevew918 - oh gosh, I wouldn't be able to throw away those letters too. It's something that he personally created (either wrote or typed). I think I'll have a cheerier entry next time. Keep smiling Steve.
Thanks for the rec.
@macphoto - I will... thanks. I keep forgetting about simply following my heart. And thank you for the rec as well.
@TheCheshireGrins - I actually feel a lot less emotional about it today. I hope you're doing ok. Take care.
@christao408 - thanks Chris - what you wrote made a lot of sense. (as you always do) I wonder what my next steps will be after I revisit all these memories.
@Chatamanda - true... everyone has a different way of dealing with these things.
@secade - Colin - you're a pretty wise guy for someone so young.
@Wangium - Jason, you're making me tear up. Oh gee... that's so tender.
@ZenPaper - I think if I had to keep things to aid in my recollection of memories, I'll have tons of stuff and will need a bigger condo.
@ElusiveWords - Matt, you're a pretty awesome guy. I hope you know that.
@macphoto - I will have a big ego after reading that.
but thank you.
@ElusiveWords - lmao
@CurryPuffy - aww... hugs Gary. Those are really special memories for you. Gee... I had not expected both you and Jason making me go teary eyed in one entry.
@macphoto - I know I'm awesome. Even angels come down here to ask me for advice on how to become better angels.
@ElusiveWords - HAHAHAHAHA......omfg...
I had a box full of letters from friends back in HS even some from grade school, I actually just found the strength to let all of those go a few months back. xD
@ElusiveWords - Thanks, Matt. It's only because people like you help me to get to where I am.
@oxyGENE_08 - letters from grade school... wow. I have some old cards that I keep around.
@secade - uhm... I'm not sure how I've helped. It's easy for me to sit here and leave a few words for you. But it's you who's got to do all the work and heavy lifting.
@ElusiveWords - Well, it's the little things, I suppose. You may not have sat me down on your knee and given me specific life advice about every little thing I could ever want to know, but your honesty and amiability has helped a lot. I think that although you haven't done those things with me that you have probably provided those services for others... it's hard to explain, I suppose. It's almost silly, but sometimes I think people should be thanked for the wonderful things that they do even if I wasn't the specific benefactor of such actions- afterall, the world is a little more interconnected than we might realize. Perhaps some of your actions have leaked down through a friend of a friend of a friend, or something along those lines.
Basically, good people like you deserve praise. Thank you.
@ElusiveWords - Yeah sorry about the confusion. I need to stop using double negatives.
I still can't believe it's that expensive for hospital parking. It's ridiculous.
You know, Matt... I'm not sure if this is the same thing, or similar.
But the hospital The Ex went to, when I drove her there to the ER after she committed suicide, is the same way with me. I refuse to go near there. I avoid the place completely. It just has way too much... I don't know the word... "feeling" to me.
I don't think it's illogical at all. Makes perfect sense actually.
yeah, I sometimes carry a few mementos of the past. After a while I get to a point where I can toss them. The memory lives on within me and the physical object loses its importance as I realize the mental impact is still with me.
Hospital parking is expensive. That's how they raise funds.
You should make a scrap book so that when you get older, you'll still remember what the piece of paper is for,
It's hard for me to imagine a day when my parents are gone. I know I'd keep little things like that too. Maybe they are a tangible reminder to you? Something to hold onto to say, "This really happened" even though it's hard to believe or something you don't WANT to believe?
@secade - Colin, I don't know what to say... I'm flattered and humbled, thank you for those very kind words.
@arenadi - oh Michael, I did not know about this part of the story. I'm so sorry. All I read in your blog before was that you had divorced. I don't know if you're still carrying this burden in your heart. You need to let go and I hope you'll find a way to do that. *HUGS* buddy... you just keep staying strong and don't let darkness creep into your heart.
@CareyGLY - well, if you say so then it must be perfectly logical.
@alchemystfury - I think I want to get that point. I also think I have a bit of a hoarding instinct in me as well.
@inchyguy - they raised a lot of funds from me! I've never done a scrapbook before. I'll have to think about that.
@JimmyBuffettDied - It happened several years ago and I'm into acceptance already. It just sort of shook me up when I saw it again. The emotions just started to flood back.
I still have letters from my father that I hold very dear. The ink has faded, the words still speak. I hear his voice. You should write whatever your heart feels like Matt. Your brother's children and other family members close to you, will love your memories of your parents.
@Wangium - That idea of keeping it in a Ziplock bag to preserve her smell is great - I could see that being used in a movie or a novel.
well bro, we need to look back once a while
it's totally alright ok? come i give you a big hugs
@ZSA_MD - thank you Zakiah. I love that imagery - ink have faded but the words still speak. How special and precious they are!
@lcfu - thanks for the hug Fufu.
I hoard memories too. I am scared of forgetting things...
Big hugs Matt... I am one of those that keep just those types of things.
I have many odd things I kept from the time my mother was sick in the hospital as well.
They can bring me back to sad moments, but also reminds me of times I would sneek in
late at night to play cards with her at her bedside. The nurses were always nice enough
to look the other way.
I hope in some way these things bring a bit of comfort as well to you.
Have a smashing weekend my friend,
*~matthew~*
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