May 11, 2010
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The Last Gift
What present would you give to someone who is dying?
This weekend, I watched a family coming to grips with someone who has less than a year to live. It was interesting seeing what each of them got her as presents. Do you pretend that life is still normal and give them the usual gifts? Or do you give them something they may use immediately? Or something that will give them some sense of comfort and security?
I struggled through this when my mom was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. She celebrated her birthday with a bout of chemo. We went through one last Christmas and her last Chinese New Year together. For the life of me, I don't remember what I got her during those holidays. There are a lot of things I've just completely blanked out during that period of time.
But the gifts don't matter. She told me she wanted to be cremated and made it absolutely clear her preference for DNR (do not resuscitate). She didn't have a will but she wanted me to make sure our debt to her brother would be paid. She taught me a few more dishes. She told me what dishes dad liked. I just tried to make as much time for her during that time as much as possible. But it's all a blur now. All I have now are fragments. Some are small and disjointed. But there are some large, contiguous chunks of memory that I'm hanging on to.
So here's my advice. Give something that is precious - yourself. If you need to reconcile some things - do so. Even if the other person doesn't want to, your conscience will be clean. Find out ahead of time what affairs need to be handled and what wishes they have. Don't wait until they have started to fade away. Are they worried about something or someone? I think it's important that you do what you can to help ease their worries so they can pass peacefully.
Don't get that person a lifetime membership at some gym, or a fur coat. Give yourself.
Comments (46)
good advice
Hugs Matt.I'm in tears reading this.
Right on.
@Got_Takoyaki - thank you.
@macphoto - oh gosh... sorry, didn't mean to at this time of the night. *hugs*
@Roadlesstaken - thanks Alex.
Well said. Perfect answer.
@tsotofu - thanks, just trying to pull some of my thoughts together.
I've been fortunate never to have been in such a situation, but I'll definitely remember this. Thanks for posting it!
Aw...it's sad...
Matt, it's very sad to prepare for the inevitable. In my situation, my partner was taken away in an auto accident which unexpectedly happened. I did not even have the "luxury" of planning, etc. Well, thanks for your advice anyway, I'll find it useful eventually.
Well said! That is the reason I call my mom at least once a month and visit her at least once a year. I was thinking of visiting her this October, but somehow this year whenever we talked on the phone she kept wanting to see me in July. I am seriously thinking to adjust my schedule to travel to HK to see her in July. Giving her time and attention when she is alive, is probably the best gift one can give.
Give something that is precious - yourself. Yes, make yourself available. There may actually be just few moments left.
you came up with the perfect gift. well done
Matt, just the answer that sprang to mind when I read the first sentence. And maybe the answer applies not only for those who are dying but for all of us. The "things" in life really aren't that important, it is our presence, our kindness, and our time that are the most valuable gifts. They are gifts we should give freely and frequently.
Thanks for that beautiful entry.
@CurryPuffy - That's something I try to bear in mind any time Tawn and I have an argument. Ultimately, those things are so petty when placed in the larger context of a life together. Why waste time getting worried or upset about them? Why not instead enjoy every moment we have together, no matter how long or how short that may be?
This is such a beautiful post, Matt. I think the best gift anyone can ever give is yourself indeed.
awesome post. Loved it!
I always believed the most important gift we can give is the gift of ourselves. To parents and relatives it may be a time to express how we really do feel - that is a gift. Enjoy the day to day being with them. Your thoughts are inspiring, Matt. Thanks
i hate to think that i might have to fill in the same shoes one day, with my own parents. it's something that neither any of us has thought about or wants to think about. guess when the time comes, i'll remember this blog and the advice you offer to the rest of us. thank you.
Well said, Matt. You have eloquently expressed something I have believed for a long time. Sometimes just being there for someone is the best gift you could ever imagine.
I couldn't agree more.
though we don't like that, we still hv to face it cos it's part of life. and I have the same thought regarding the gift...
I fullly agree ... over four weeks in Mexico City looking after my Mom and counting.
Nice.
thank you so much for sharing.
Yeah definitely not things.
Good job, Matt. Thanks for the beautiful words.
I agree with you on giving yourself. Your time and presence is more valuable than any other material object. But why do you have to wait until you find out someone close to you is dying? In real sense, anyone could die anytime and we should always be ready. We should always treat everyone as if were their last day, not only on the day you find out they are dying. What if your best friend dies in a car accident right now? It could happens. Yet you didn't have a chance to say good bye. Which one is worst? I think that people who knows they have little time left are lucky. Lucky because at least they have time to amend their lives or do things they wanted to do. They have time to realize that they are alive, that nothing is for granted here and that one day you are here, the other you are gone. They become more alive than ever and you can see a light shining through their eyes. A light of peace. I was diagnosed with cancer a year ago and yes chemo is going to become my best friend this summer but I'm not afraid anymore. I know that any day is good. I've realized that when you see the hand of your death coming close your face; you become more aware that life is now. It's funny that it has to happen that way because in reality, your death is always standing right next to you waiting for an opportunity to touch you. But you think there is always tomorrow and that is not true. Tomorrow doesn't exist. Be present. With this in mind, Celebrate life everyday. Don't wait for tomorrow. Live everyday as if it were your last. Life for today.
Life is simple
Very nice.
Beautiful post Matt. My family talked about what we want when it's time to check out, hoping to make it as easy as possible for the living. But time is not something that can be bought and that's the ultimate gift that we can give to our love ones.
beautiful post~
and love your ending sentence too i think the most precious gift wud be time and love ^^
thnks for sharing
@Senlin - I hope it'll be a long, long time before you have to use this. Thank you for the rec.
@Wangium - yeah... just have a lot on my mind lately.
@CurryPuffy - oh Gary, I just knew this entry would stir up some unpleasant memories for you. I had no idea what had happened in your situation. *hugs* You're right - with accidents, there is just a sudden loss with absolutely no opportunity for any closure. I can't imagine how tough it must have been for you and everyone that was affected.
@stevew918 - if you have any flexibility in your schedule, go for it. Thanks for the rec.
You are a great friend Matt. Your generous spirit and the empathy you show to every one, is so unique in some one young like you. your memories of your mother and the way you are with your dad, always tug at my heartstrings. Blessings and much love.
@christao408 - Yes, Chris, it's quite counter productive to dwell on petite matters. Life is short indeed! Haha~you two are such a model couple, I can't really imagine you two engaging in a tit-for-tat argument!
@ElusiveWords - That's okay, Matt. It's difficult not to stir up those past memories, whenever car accidents involving casualties are reported on TV or mentioned amongst conversations. I'm used to that stirred up feelings nowadays. I have a positve feeling after reading this very eloquent entry of yours. ^0^
A very meaningful message.
Totally agree with you. Great advice.
@Norcani - I wish I had learned all these lessons when I was younger. Life is a great teacher but we're often poor students. Thank you for the recommendation.
@buddy71 - thank you, appreciate you dropping by.
@christao408 - I struggle a lot with that rare commodity - time. I sometimes feel I'm being pulled in so many different directions. You want time for yourself but yet there are others that also need you. btw - I really can't picture you and Tawn arguing. I mean, I know every couple does it, I guess I just have this pristine image of the 2 of you. Thanks for the rec.
@Dezinerdreams - I'm glad you liked it and thank you for recommending.
@introvertdreams - thank you.
@Fatcat723 - You're very welcome Rob, I'm glad you liked it. Sometimes death forces us to face things we don't want to face in everyday life. I know this family's relationship isn't the strongest. It was not easy watching them try to come together to deal with this. I think there are some old wounds that have not healed.
@rudyhou - I hope it'll be many decades before you'll face this situation. No one wants to be in this situation. Despite knowing this already, I struggled with it a lot when I first tried to deal with this. Part of me was in denial and didn't want to accept what was happening.
@Toro69 - You're a tower of strength. I appreciate you dropping by again.
@oxyGENE_08 - Gene, I hope many folks out there were inspired by your Mother's day entry. The worst time to repair a relationship is when someone's life is fading away.
@agmhkg - Yeah, it's so hard to deal with these things. I had trouble writing parts of this entry.
@TheLatinObserver - Roberto *HUGS* Thank you for the comment. I had not expected to hear from you. I was thinking about you the other day. I know you've got a lot to deal with.
@Transparent_Sight - thank you.
@snixkuo - you're very welcome - thank you for the rec.
@yang1815 - thanks Andy, appreciate the compliment.
@sjudah09 - oh gosh... I wish I could recommend your comment. You have written some true words of wisdom from a very unique perspective. I hope the chemo works out. Thank you.
@mattdebat - thanks Matt!
@ZSA_MD - Zakiah - you're so thoughtful with your comments. I had to stop a couple of times when I was writing this entry. I really do cherish the time I have with my dad now. Thanks for recommending.
@icepearlz - thank you, appreciate you dropping by and also for subscribing.
@heart_beep - thank you.
@CurryPuffy - @ElusiveWords - Well, I don't want our well-burnished veneer of perfection (ha ha ha...) to mislead people or make them wonder "why can't my relationship be like that?" We all suffer from hearing all the stories in the media about perfect relationships and easy love, none of which is the truth (a la Alex's most recent blog post). Better to show some blemishes from time to time and look human.
I feel every family has some old wounds that never really healed. The scab is constantly being removed before it is time. Maybe it goes back to the old saying "you always hurt the one you love".
Very well said. I think time is one of the best gifts in the world. We never know how much time we're going to get with each other so we should definitely make the best of it.
very good advice, matt. it makes me feel sad, that i didn't get to spend as much time with my grandparents as i would have liked to before they passed away. i miss them a lot.
Wow Matt, No way you could've known this, but my eyes are a blur right now. Maybe it's coincidence, but I was just thinking about mortality, about grandparents, about goodbyes and such. And you're absolutely right. It's horrible that we have to go through one of these experiences to learn. Wish we could turn back time.
i know it's a fact that for some people the reality doesn't really hit them till much later. they're sad but calm during the days after it happened but weeks later for some odd reason they just suddenly break down and weeping unstoppably. did this ever happened to you?
@Fatcat723 - oh, that's so true... very true and very sad.
@TheCheshireGrins - yeah, it always sounds like a tired cliche until we experience it first hand.
@kunhuo42 - aww... *hugs* Aaron. I remember you mentioning that in previous comments / entries. I remember when my grandfather passed away, my mom couldn't make it back for the funeral. We just couldn't afford it back then.
@AzureRecollections - sometimes I do wish we could turn back time but I also don't want to relive those experiences as well.
@rudyhou - wow, you guessed right. I pretty well bit my lips throughout the ordeal and maintained my composure. I even laughed and joked after the service when we got together. In reality, I was breaking up inside. It wasn't until a week or two afterwards when I slowly let my emotions out. I usually hold a lot of stuff in.
i think it's safe to assume that a lot of people would do the same. and knowing how i am as a person, i would probably do the exact same thing. i too prefer to hold a lot of stuff in and just deal with them on my own without being obvious or emotional.
Wonderful words Matt, great advice.
*~matthew~*
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