June 2, 2010
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Somber Thoughts
I visited someone at the hospital the other night. It was clear that she wasn’t going to make it out. Her eyes were sunken in. Her mouth was dry and her lips were chapped. Despite the oxygen tubes, her breathing was very laboured and fast. I chatted briefly with her and other members of her family. The machine that dispenses the IV buzzed quietly and regularly.
Her daughter watched anxiously and gently rubbed her mother’s foot. She began to fall asleep but would wake up suddenly and look around at all the people by her bed. She did this a couple of times but eventually fell into an exhausted sleep. Her breathing remained quick and shallow. I felt for the family.
When I drove home that night, the rain was pouring hard. I gave J a quick call, showered and tried to sleep. I thought about my mom from a few years ago. I remember watching my aunt die even earlier. I remember saying goodbye to my grandmother as a young child not understanding what was going on. I thought about dad, my family & J. I wonder about my future. I worry about dying alone. I said a silent prayer and closed my eyes.
Comments (31)
I wont ever let you die alone. Sorry this is all coming up for you.
Hugs
@macphoto - you are fast! Thank you. It took a day to shake that feeling.
Hugs to you.
@ElusiveWords - I bet it did. Next time you feel like that, email or call me please….if you need/want to of course.
@heart_beep - thank you.
@macphoto - ok… but I sound like Charlie Brown.
@ElusiveWords - Charlie Brown, when you get right down to it, was really the sweetest guy in the whole Peanuts Gang. He didn’t let anyone squelch his dreams; his ideals. So, really, Charlie Brown isn’t such a bad guy to be!
Huge Hug! Indeed somber moments!
I always hesitate to visit really sick people, it takes me a day or two just to recover afterwards. Hang it there, Matt. M.J. has a very nice way to decribe a couple. Are you two considering being a pair? 
@ElusiveWords - haha…thats awesome.
I understand the feeling. For about 3 months in 2004 – 2005 (November – to January) I daily sat at my father’s hospital bed and I knew then. But that’s life. It’s a question of sooner or later.
Dying alone is one of my worse fears.
death is a difficult subject to cope with… yet it always seems to bring people together and makes the little troubles seem insignificant…
I hear you loud and clear Matt. Don’t sweat the hard stuff, when there is no reason to, at this time honey. For every thing there is a time and reason and I know you have seen so much of it. Please be positive and, don’t think of morbid thoughts. Life is beautiful and it is full of love and grace. Enjoy your youth and your life. You are cherished by all who know you. You think any one would let you suffer alone anytime?
I guess we all have those times when our own
mortality comes to the fore of our minds afterseeing someone else close to death. I too dread the thought of dying alone as I’ve no family.
Pleased you were able to shake off those worryingthoughts though.
That seems to be a common fear. I have a hard time imagining that you won’t be surrounded by loved ones, as many lives as you touch.
Scary thoughts… but I don’t think you should have to worry about that- you are so darn nice!
I have the same fear but I also know that the people I love and love me are with me always. You have many who love you so I doubt you will be alone.
What a horrible day that must have been. I feel for the family too
I don’t want to think of anyone I know in that situation… it is too sad.
Maybe this mood – whilst you’re seeing death; the finale of life, you could think about what you most want to do in life, and write these down. Maybe it’ll help you live a more fulfiling life and get rid of some of the fears you have about dying alone.
Let’s hope you won’t remain alone.
Tough moments. You’re not alone Matty!
visiting people in the hospital is always tough; it is such a depressing scene, and although you try to be cheerful it sounds forced. somehow, the whitewashed walls and sterile environment stifle positive emotions. i think i would really rather not die in a hospital…. a place where in spite of being surrounded by nurses and doctors you still feel so alone.
@stevew918 - I know you’ve made some difficult visits as well. There are days when I drive J nuts – so I’m not sure. hahahaha….
@Norcani - you’re a dutiful son. It must have been very difficult for you at that time.
@Roadlesstaken - yeah, I try not to think about it.
@tsotofu - true, so very true.
@ZSA_MD - those are great words to live by. Thank you.
@Chatamanda - well, let’s keep busy and keep on living well so we don’t these thoughts don’t preoccupy us. It’s always good to see you dropping by.
@christao408 - I hope you’re right.
@Dezinerdreams - you’re so sweet.
@Fatcat723 - I will keep the faith.
@stepaside_loser - those are wise words Andrew.
@Fongster8 - I hope so too.
@yang1815 - thank you Andy.
@kunhuo42 - yeah, it was too late to move her into palliative care but I understand the care she did receive was very good.
Aww, that’s really tough
I sat for a while and tried to think of some consolation I could offer, but nothing really came to me. I only hope that all of us will be so lucky as to depart this world at peace, and satisfied in having done everything we had wanted to do.
@Senlin - I am hoping for the same thing too; no regrets, a life that was full and well lived. Words aren’t necessary – I appreciate your gesture very much.
I kinda know that feeling. After someone really close to me dies, I’m plagued with thoughts of death. It took me alot longer to shake them.
@openmindedgirlk - yeah, we become more and more aware of our mortality and the importance of making each day count.
@ElusiveWords - Exactly!
I worry about dying alone too.
I was more worried about dying and all the relatives didn’t know who I was and had to find out from my friends.
@ElusiveWords - please do do it.
I don’t know what more to say Matt then I’m sorry.
(for you and your friends)
Saying good-bye and watching some one you care
about leave is never easy.
*~matthew~*
oh no… you still have us here ok matt… love you!
@bleuzeus - sorry for the late response (I sometimes don’t seem to notice the comments when they show up). Thank you for the kind words… hope all is well with you.
@lcfu - thank you Fufu, always appreciate having you around (even if you’re on the other side of the world).