July 4, 2010
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Waiting with Dad
I took dad down for a couple of medical appointments the other day. The first appointment was uneventful. There was a 3 hour wait between them so we found our way to a coffee shop. I had cautioned dad about the long wait and told him to bring a book or magazine to read. He brought along a section of the New York Times instead. I had a magazine. He didn’t feel like reading. I wondered how patient he’ll be today.
So we chatted and the conversation twisted and turned through his memory lanes. We spent most of the time at prewar talking about his relatives. I learned a bit more about my great-grandfather and also my grandfather. I knew my great grandfather was an entrepreneur who started the family business despite being illiterate. He went on to make lots of money (none of which got passed down to my grandfather – a long sad story in itself).
Dad showed an early interest in business and commerce. He wanted to go to the US to study even though that was prohibitively expensive. I asked him which university he wanted to go to. He replied “Wharton… did you know it’s part of University of Pennsylvania?” I said I didn’t. He proceeded to tell me that he had already corresponded with the registrar. They assured him that his marks were good enough to get in. Dad was also taking a night class at the local university as well. But my grandfather told my dad that he was too young. He asked my dad to work at the family business for 2 years before going to university.
“After those 2 years, my dad promised me I can go to the US to study. But he never got a chance to make good on his promise.” Dad started to look away and became silent. I knew his life would have been completely different if he was in the US at that time. He started to talk again about the war breaking out. It killed his dreams and changed his life forever.
After I got home, I looked up Wharton and read a bit about the school. I don’t know why I did that. Maybe it was just a chance to connect with one of his dreams.
Comments (19)
When I was alone with my mom, I try to get her to talk about past family history, but she repeated the glimpses but no details. I did not get to have much person-to-person talk with my dad as he died suddenly when i was young. All I know is my grand father was a monk. What? monk, monk, those without wife?
Are you taking the opportunity to record these stories, Matt? They would be something fantastic to hand down to the next generation, whether your own children or nieces and nephews.
that was a good post, especially the ending, allowed me to draw my own conclusions.
Do make a journal of all these stories. I think it is important to hear the family history and pass it on.
You talk about the war. Where is your family originally from? I am guessing Korea or Vietnam?
i feel bad for your dad, because one of his big dreams wasn’t realised. however, one of his dreams must have been to start a family in canada, right? so that’s something big realised.
when i try to think of myself in your father’s shoes, i think about how big and real the obstacles must have been to firstly go through a war, then to move to a foreign country and then to not have the opportunity to study at uni – it sounds all so hard.
i should talk to my parents more.
This reminds me of the Langston Hughes poem, A Dream Deferred. But while that particular dream of your dad’s was never fulfilled due to circumstances beyond his control, I’m sure he had other dreams that he did fulfill. Even if we can’t attain our original dreams, we can come up with new ones. But maybe we never let go of those original dreams either.
Everybody can be great… because anybody can serve. You don’t have to have a college degree to serve. You don’t have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. you only need a heart full of grace. a soul generated by love.
I know for sure I never spent enough time asking the right
questions of either of my parents. I was much too young
when my grandparents were still alive. I wish I had the
chance to do it over. You’re very lucky Matt (and I know you
know this)
Be well, I hope the week has started out good for you.
*~matthew~*
I hope I could spend quality time with my dad just like you did. Sometimes, it requires the right mood and moments!
isn’t it amazing the stories you’ve never heard from your own parents? i realized a few years ago that there’s so much more to them than the role that they played in the lives of their daughter/son. it makes me sad when i see how much of my mom as a person i don’t really know.
It’s really fascinating that many of us just don’t know enough about our own families. My grandma loves talking about her life and the people she has met, etc. She has had a sad story too. I’m happy you got to spend quality time with your dad.
I love hearing stories from my parents and grandparents about what things were like when they were growing up, even if the stories are bittersweet or just bitter.
@Senlin - I was reminded of that poem as well…
Wharton is a great school.
Too bad your father didn’t have an opportunity to attend.
Sorry to hear that your father wasn’t able to fulfill his dreams. We sometimes wonder how life would be like if it went a different root. I wonder how different I would have been.
How sad that he had to settle for something else, when all he did was dream about coming to the US for furthering his education. Sometimes life gives out lemons. I should know.
Glald you posted this Matt. I hope you will chronicle them and make a huge file or book about all these moments.
Much love.
@stevew918 - I wonder if your mom would agree to write the stories down for you. Maybe some of the stories aren’t easy to be told.
@christao408 - I have some of the stories in various files. I also have some of my uncle’s stuff on my laptop too. But I need to pull all of these together. I don’t have kids or nieces / nephews. It’ll just be for me.
@bolt99 - thank you, I’m glad you liked it. I actually got stuck at the ending and decided to leave it like that.
@Fatcat723 - I will – it’s all in various stages of note taking.
@Dezinerdreams - Mom’s from China, dad is from Philippines.
@stepaside_loser - yes, his dream of coming to Canada and raising his family was fulfilled. I hope you do find some time to talk to your parents a bit more.
@Senlin - that’s an interesting poem. His biggest dream was likely to raise us in a safe environment in Canada. I think he would have wanted grandkids though.
@malikimran - thank you.
@bleuzeus - hi Matthew – I hope you’re doing well. I am very fortunate to be able to have this relationship with him now.
@CurryPuffy - it does require the right mood. Some times he doesn’t feel like talking so we just sort of sit there.
@caki730 - you’re right, we often slot them into their usual roles as parents and we don’t get to understand their history.
@carpe_diem99 - I’m glad that I got some quality time with him too.
@TheCheshireGrins - yeah, the stories are fascinating. I have to do a better job of chronicling them though.
@yang1815 - years ago, he wanted to know if I was interested in a MBA. Now I understand why.
@alchemystfury - well, he made the best of the opportunities and challenges that he faced. For that, I’m grateful.
@ZSA_MD - I have some of the stories in bits and pieces here and there. I need to find some time to organize them a lot better. As always, I appreciate your kind words.
@ElusiveWords - I was/am interested in an MBA but just not sure how to fit it in. O well.
When I was young, I spent my summer vacation in Carinthia and my (maternal) grandmother was always part of the entourage. She always had stories to share about her childhood, etc. Most of her stories were about WWII as this was a time when she struggled most (I assume). On my paternal side, people are more tight lipped. My aunt, who reached the tender age of 99, was very reluctant to tell me about her childhood. My dad also used to tell stories. I do regret not having any records, other than my fuzzy memory, of these stories.