July 12, 2010
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Wistful Thinking
I know now how easy it is to simply stop blogging and simply move on. Writing was something I really enjoyed. I need to rekindle my love for writing. I wish I had more time to do all the things I really enjoy doing. A long time ago, I made a list of things I wanted to do. I don't even know where that list is anymore. Life and responsibilities sort of just got in the way. I'm living but I don't feel I'm alive.
One dream that I've let go is becoming a father. I know I won't be one now. It's too late for me. It won't be fair to the child and I can't do this alone. I was at a wedding recently and saw a father holding his 4 year old son. The son was a mirror image of his dad. I jokingly asked the father (who loves cars) if his son likes cars. His eyes lit up and he smiled. He said his son even watches NASCAR racing on TV and just adores that Disney movie about racing cars. I watched how the father was carefully holding his son who was busy with a Nintendo game. The father would lean in every so often and watch how his son was doing on the game. He would quietly give him a gentle kiss on the cheek and whisper something. I tried not to stare but I couldn't help it.
I guess dad will not have a grandson at all. The other day, I was driving my dad home and he mentioned "We all thought you don't want to get married because of what happened to your brother. We figured that must have scared you off." (my younger brother's first marriage ended in a bitter divorce). I wasn't sure how to respond to that. Then he moved on to another subject before I could compose an answer.
How are your dreams coming along?
Comments (21)
Keep on blogging, your posts are always good to read. Would adoption be a possibility for you?
My parents are questioning me about the marriage issue too. I'm running out of excuses!
it's never too late for kids. if that's what you really want. i'm planning to adopt kids if it ain't happening naturally with or without a man. someone told me to dream big and not be in the habit of saying "i've always wanted to...." and instead just do that. of course, circumstances are circumstances... but i know what you mean. i came to that same realization that i've been so caught up with little things that i too forgot how to dream big. i so enjoy your writing.
I am realizing that I should not wait for all of the things I need to make me happy. I need some instant gratification; I shouldn't have everything be delayed gratification. I need to be happy and aware of every moment because life is made of moments.
Yes, what about adoption?
"I'm living but I don't feel I'm alive" ~ exactly how I'm feeling but I'm working on it. I feel like I'm missing out on a lot of things.
No children here either.
i feel the same way. =(
As I get older I feel more and more the absence of a child/son. I know that it is way too late for me now. Your blogs do get me thinking and awaken some emotions too. Thanks!
Now I understand the wistfulness in your response to my comment the other day about collecting your family's stories for the next generation. That is one feeling I really share with you, Matt. Tawn and I have talked about having children many times and it seems that the combination of political, financial, and legal circumstances really make that highly unlikely. As my mother said, though, there are many ways we can play a nurturing role for young people, not only by having our own children.
Keep writing, Matt! Don't let go of the Xanga rope.
you can always adopt an older child... in fact, those are the ones that nobody wants to adopt; everyone wants to adopt babies. so there are still plenty of opportunities for you to have a child, and i think you would make a really good dad!
you and me, we both need to find motivation to blog again. at least you still blog something on occasion... unlike me.
Still dreaming over here.
There's that little glitter in the corner of a proud parent's eye when you bring up their child...
I am pretty envious too...
I have the same dream once when I was young. I now don't even have any dreams that can motivate me...it is quite sad.
as long as you have the time and patient to guide and teach the kid, otherwise just keep that on your list..........
please don't raise another Spoiled Kid...........
I'm sending big hugs your way...
@Roadlesstaken - I'll keep on writing for a while. It's just so easy to stop. It's hard being a single parent. I think I would want to make sure that there is someone always around.
@CurryPuffy - Oohh... that's a tough one Gary. I'm guessing they are very conservative?
@caki730 - thank you for the compliment - much appreciated. I love your attitude and determination. I hope you'll find a way to be a parent one day.
@Senlin - but won't instant gratification go against your dream of grad school / med school? Adoption is a possibility but I'd have to do it solo and I don't have the means right now.
@oxyGENE_08 - well Gene, I hope we both can feel alive soon.
@Chatamanda - yeah - we're in the same boat.
@wutuwaitn4 - *hugs* I hope you'll find a way to make your dreams happen some day John.
@Fatcat723 - well Rob - your blog always gets me thinking as well.
@christao408 - I'll try to keep on writing Chris. I like your mom's advice.
@kunhuo42 - Aaron - you must be very busy as well. It's just so easy to stop blogging. Adopting an older child? Hmm.... I never thought about that - although some kids may need a lot of care when they hit their teens. I appreciate your compliment about me being a good dad.
@yang1815 - I think your dreams will eventually come true one day.
@Wangium - It was tough watching them. Oh gosh, I felt happy and envious at the same time.
@dolphin27 - you've been through a lot these past few months. Once all these troubles are behind you, I think you can start looking forward to achieving some of your dreams.
@agmhkg - no spoiled kids from me...
@TheCheshireGrins - thank you - much appreciated.
@ElusiveWords - I was thinking of things like spending money and dating when I wrote that.
Matt, if you want to adopt, go to the big brother group and spend some time with those kids and feel your way around. Once you get an idea of the age group you want to have a child of, then you can proceed. If you have some cousins you could ask them also if you could bring up one of their children.
A million hugs to you darling Matt. Please feel alive, there is so much life around you. you,with your sensitivity and graciousness, will have so much to offer some youngster. My prayers are with you.
@ElusiveWords - It'll come true when you come visit.
My dreams are reaching fruition and can't be halted. Thanks for asking =).
@ZSA_MD - I can feel the hugs - thank you!
@The_Dream_Or_The_Nightmare - I'm glad your dreams are coming true - awesome!
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