October 24, 2010
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I need some light
It's hard to describe the mood I'm in. There are times when I don't want to look after my dad anymore. This is usually followed by anger, guilt and acceptance. This is what life is all about I tell myself and these are my responsibilities. Maybe it's just a combination of work and my incredibly mundane life. Whenever I go over to dad's place, the to do list that inevitably pops into my head is just overwhelming. Whenever I come home, my own "honey do" list is just as big. There's my work which I need (well, the income - not the work). With jobs being outsourced left, right and centre - I have to do what I can to make myself valuable.
But it's very tiring. Whatever down time I get is either on chores or at my dad's place. Sometimes I'm just mentally exhausted. It's like playing poker I suppose. I'm not drawing any decent cards to make any big bets or to get ahead. I'm just watching my ante disappearing bit my bit.
Ok - enough venting. I have to pick up some light bulbs. I can't believe I have 3 lights all burnt out at my place. Maybe a bit of light will brighten things up.
Comments (26)
Sounds like you're already going through the stages of grief. Hang in there kiddo!
hey Matt...any chance you could take one day week for just you? Or even a few hours? What about the bf...can he help out at all? First and foremost, you have to take care of you. You are no good to anyone else unless you are in a decent place. What about hiring someone to do some errands like shopping etc to ease some of the time consuming, mundane chores? Just some thoughts. Im thinking about ya. If you were closer, Id take you for coffee and give you a hand.
Reen took the words right out of my mouth. Honestly Mattie, you cannot burn the candle at both ends, as you seem to be doing. You need one day or one afternoon all to yourself. I know you will feel guilty doing that, but believe me, you will feel re-chrged and feel so much better. Her suggestion of asking someother person or hiring someone to help out is very good, if financially feasible. Think about it love, I think you need some time off. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.
Holy smokes Matt, this is too spooky! My Mom called me and she has 3 bulbs out that went the other day so I have to get over there to change them. The crazy thing is I was just there Friday, went out grocery shopping for her and they were fine. I've never seen 3 go at once.
I think Mac had a great idea. You need to find a little time for yourself and say to heck with things like little chores once in awhile. All work and no play ..........
You need some "self-time". Really, don't be afraid to take it. By the way, check out the book "On Death and Dying" by Kubler-Ross. It goes through steps up to acceptance that can be applied to any situation.. Hug!
i agree with the other comments. maybe you can identify a few things that you MUST do for yourself that keeps you you, and resolve to do them no matter what your things to do list looks like. i'm in a similar position with my mom (with dad having passed too), and it's difficult not to feel guilty for anything and everything. let's not. i'm convinced that life is meant to be treasured even through struggles, busyness and burdens.
Sorry I do not have time to comment more, or to comment on your post more specifically, but what you describe sounds like what is called "caregiver stress" or "caregiver burnout." I don't mean to trivialize your own personal struggles by giving it a name, but it may help for you to read about this and maybe find a support group.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Distress_In_Cancer_Caregiving
http://www.webmd.com/heart-disease/guide/heart-disease-recognizing-caregiver-burnout
Especially see this one about how to cope with caregiver stress: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/caregiver-stress/MY01231
(Even though they say cancer and heart disease, it's actually general)
I hope you have a wonderful week, with, as others said, some time for yourself
for me I am on avoidance phase.
(avoiding the situation)
Matt, what you are feeling is very natural. Hang in there but make sure to create time for yourself, too. This is that proverbial "marathon, not a sprint" situation and you need to pace yourself. You know how to get hold of me if you want to talk.
Matt, I can't agree more with the others about you
needing some time to unwind and relax.
I also know how difficult it is to carve that time
out of a schedule that is so full.
From where I am I can only wish you well,
and let you know you're not alone.
It does make my heart warm to see your friends
here wanting the best for you. Love will see you through.
*~matthew~*
p.s. Sorry, I know I sound like a Hallmark Card, but it's what I believe.
Your poker game analogy sounds realistic, I felt like I've been there before. Just need to hang in there and go through the motion, and hope something good might happen along the due course! Maybe a discussion with your siblings to have them share more of the chores will help?
I think it's totally normal to feel that way. It's difficult and very stressful to be in charge of someone's care when you feel like your life is being impeded on. I agree with Macphoto; if you can, take some time for yourself. It'll allow you to gain some perspective as well as a much needed (and much deserved) break. Hang in there! I'm thinking of you.
Yeah, maybe you just needed a vent, a rest and then tomorrow it might be better..? You're a hard worker.
Why not sell your expensive apartment and live somewhere cheaper? lol
A BIG HUG for you Matt!
I have been there and I know the resentment and frustration and anger.
Some days I just wanna quit taking care of anyone!
Signs of burn out my friend! Best focus on taking care of yourself first!
Like the airline crew said, if the oxygen mask falls down, put it on first before you put it on others.
Take care of yourself first before you take care of others.
Yeah, I should heed my own advise! LOL
Anyways, we don't know all the details of your life
but just wanna say hang in there and rest well my friend!
Thinking fond thoughts of you from afar!
HUG HUG
i think it's safe to say that we've all been there and what you're feeling is normal. sometimes when i feel overwhelmed, i go somewhere just to be on my own for just few hours. no distractions and no communication with anyone. it always helps to not over think things, take things one day at a time, and pamper yourself once in a while. hang in there, matt, and don't be too hard on yourself.
Hey Matty Matt,
It is you know who down in San Diego, CA. You know I am always here for you and I wish we could connect more on IM. You know how much I LOVE to clean - just say the word - oh wait, never mind, I'll just clean your place while you are sleeping. Haha....
Well, I am here for you and you are always welcome to come visit me in San Diego, CA or when I am on break from school, I should fly up there instead. We can have our own "family" reunion without THE family.
Loves and hugs,PK, the other "family" relative
After losing my mom earlier this year I noticed I've gradually becoming a lot more sensitive about my dad's
well being and especially his emotional state. I love it whenever you
give us a glimpse into your dad and you. Stay strong and make small part
of your time dedicated just for you only.
@CareyGLY - not quite grief, just a bit burnt out. I'll hang in there alright.
@macphoto - we're trying to see if dad will be interested in a home care person but so far he's absolutely adamant against it. It would be good if you were nearby, a coffee would sound wonderful.
@ZSA_MD - I always appreciate your kind words Zakiah. Yeah, I got to look after myself first so I can look after him. So far, he's refused any suggestions of hiring people to help. It's partly a cultural thing. I think he's also worried about money and not wanting to be a burden. I'm taking a couple of days off next week so that should be good.
@DickDoktorII - yeah, I need a bit of rest and play time for myself.
@Fatcat723 - I do remember reading Kubler Ross in Sociology (my minor - not that I remembered anything...). I have a couple of days off next week so that should help.
@caki730 - thanks for your comment - I really like the last line about treasuring life even through the struggles.
@Senlin - hey... no worries about not commenting and thanks for the links. I am aware of caregiver burnout but obviously I need some refresher on how to cope. I'll read those links you've sent... thanks.
@vsan79 - well, sooner or later we all have to deal with this.
@christao408 - thanks Chris, the marathon analogy is very appropriate. I need to pace myself a bit better.
@bleuzeus - a Hallmark Card? With your words of wisdom and your photos, maybe you can start your own line of cards. It's a great bunch of folks here (including you) and I'm always humbled by the comforting words and offers of help. I'm very touched by everyone's gesture. Thanks again for your support as always.
@CurryPuffy - oh they do share the chores but I just don't write about them. I have a more flexibility on where I work than either of them so I'm able to spend a couple of days a week with him.
@TheCheshireGrins - yeah, the consensus here is pretty clear. I have a couple of days off next week so that should help.
@stepaside_loser - my condo is almost paid for (2 more years). I really love the location in the heart of the city and I'd be hard pressed to find another one with what I originally paid for it.
@ZenPaper - thanks Evan, appreciate the thoughts and hugs as always. The oxygen mask analogy is pretty good. You take care of yourself too my friend.
@rudyhou - I will pull through this. I'm the type of person that needs solitude and it's hard for some folks to understand it. I have some time off next week so I'll make sure I protect it as best as possible.
@PK - hey hey... thanks for the comment! long time no chat. I just cleaned the toilet last night, the kitchen is tomorrow. Yeah, it would be great to get together some time. That'll be fun.
@Nickolaj - thanks for dropping by Nick. I've always wondered how you are coping after your mom's passing. I hope you stay strong too.
You're feeling that same stress as anyone else does. But taking some time off will do you a world of good. Just hang in there and tomorrow will always be there to take away the glooms of today.
solitude is always a good thing. for me, at least. i hope you get the personal time you deserved. hugs.
Light therapy.
They say the caregiver should always take care of himself first -- sounds like others have reminded you nicely of this. Your comments are similar to those I am feeling as I make frequent trips to Santa Barbara -- I'm not really into commuting to Santa Barbara every week or so, but it's beginning to be the norm. I'd like a few days at home to veg and to catch up! Take care, take time for yourself, and do the best you can -- that's all anybody can ask of you.
wow, nice use of light as a metaphor. you always end really well, like one of those novels that need the ending to tie everything together.
@zionlover - sorry for the late response. I will be more disciplined about taking time off and looking after myself. Gotta be careful not to get burnt out.
@rudyhou - thanks and apologies for the late response. I'm going to be more disciplined about getting some rest and recreation time for myself.
@yang1815 - hey Andy... sorry for the late response. You know, I was looking at those lights a few months ago as I usually get the winter blues.
@slmret - sorry for the late response... I will have to do more to take care of myself. I can't afford to burn out. As for vegging - wow, I really appreciate that time off to veg out. I used to think it was a waste of time.
@bolt99 - thanks, sometimes these things just come to mind. But sometimes it doesn't quite work out that way.
@ElusiveWords - I'll send you a UV light.
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