December 19, 2010
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Just Get It Over With
I’ve grown to be indifferent to this time of the year. I don’t enjoy the cold, dark days. The crass commercialism and madness at the malls make me cringe. Every year, it gets a bit tougher to slog through this winter blues. Last year, I had Mike (aka arenadi … where is he now?) to sort of keep me company. I didn’t grow up in a poor family but we knew money was tight. I learned that it was ok to lie to the bill collectors and others that hounded us. Some of those calls left my mom in tears. Christmas was simple for us . Since we didn’t have relatives in the country, it was just us. I usually got clothes. There was always good food on the table along with sparkling wine. We didn’t have turkey for our family of 5. Some times we had duck, lamb, goose, chicken, ham with lots of festive Chinese food. If mom was steaming or simmering something, the windows would all be filled with condensation that would freeze over.
When we were older and started to work, our gifts started to become a bit more lavish especially for our parents. Sometimes I gave them tickets for a concert series from the local symphony. It wasn’t uncommon for me to spend a couple of hundred dollars per person. I didn’t blink at that. It was my finally my turn. Maybe we were all trying to make up for lost times. The gifts would be sprawled out from under the Christmas tree. My gifts were the easiest to recognize. I never wrapped them. It was just covered in those gift tissue papers and stuffed in gift bags.
A few years ago, when mom was diagnosed with cancer we knew then she only had months to live. I don’t even remember what I got her. I think it was something very simple to keep her warm. It was a bleak Christmas but we somehow got through it. The first Christmas after that was tough. While there were gifts under the Christmas tree, the living room felt very empty. The chair where mom used to always sit stayed empty.
Since then, we never had a Christmas tree up anymore – it was too much work to put up and take down. There aren’t any Christmas dinners at the house. It was too much work to clean up the house. So it was always at other people’s places. I would put up phony smiles and hugs. My good cheer on the outside hid my true inner self. In the past couple of years of celebrating Christmas with the extended family (my sister in law’s family), we just drew a name and set a limit on the gift. It was easier on the wallet for everyone.
This Christmas stuff all just seems silly now. I just want this season to be over with. If my 8 year old self could see me now, he probably would be very confused and let out a small tear or two.
Comments (25)
Hugs Matt. I know how you feel…for slightly different reasons. Maybe next year those of us that are alone and saddened by the holiday should plan to get together somewhere and start a new, happy tradition…something to help us through the holiday and the winder…because dark winters freaking suck like nothing else can.
I agree with you. Too much commercialism into all these “holidays” that have unfortunately lost their true meanings.
I do enjoy the music though.
*Hugs* Considering the bleak cold weather, I like to cuddle with my loved one near the fireplace and drink some bubbly or hot tea. Maybe that’s one way to fight the holiday blues. Matt, you’ll always have all of us here to read your entries and accompany you through this time of the year! (Yeah, where’s Michael aka arenadi?)
*hug*
don’t think i could enjoy christmas nearly as much if there were a member of my family missing. i only love it right now cos everyone is present. i feel for you man :/.
This year is the first in a long time I’ve not felt that way exactly.
I have a similar feeling…like I used up all my Christmas spirit in a few years and now I have none left…
That was a very touching post. (((Hugs))))
@macphoto - I think that would be a good idea, for the ones who are alone, to get together somewhere. Even if you don’t have a family, at least the friends could be one!!!
I know what you mean Matt – that was a touching post. Honest and open. I don’t know where I am with the holidays. Oh, I will be together with my sister and family for Christmas Brunch after which we will all go our own ways. I am working 2 part time jobs to get the bills paid so I will be tired. The Doctor’s Clinic will be closed Friday through Sunday but I think the convenience store will be open and there I open the place at 6AM. My guess I will sleep Christmas afternoon and to bed early to open the store at 6AM and then head off to the Clinic at10AM.
yes, as adults we loss what was special about christmas
i kind of flip between those two extremes depending on my mood. there are times when i love the holidays and really get into the christmas spirit, but there are other times when i get tired of the traffic and the crowds and wonder why we have to put all this effort into picking out gifts for people. ultimately, though, there is a spirit during the holidays that brings a smile to the face and warmth to the heart… you just have to be open and wiling to feel it.
maybe, but i wonder how your 80 year old self will see it.
@bolt99 - That was pretty much where I was going to go with my comment.
Matt, given the current circumstances and that of the last few years, it is no wonder that the Christmas spirit has turned grey. But remember that most of what you see out there isn’t the real Christmas spirit, it is commercial activity. Hopefully behind it all you can rediscover what the season is all about – family, giving, joy, and peace – and tap into it.
I admire that you spent a lot of money for your parent’s gifts as you made more money. I do. That’s something that I’ve wanted to do growing up. I guess I feel a connection there because we both grew up on tight budgets and watching our parents work hard with little gain – all we wanted was to ease their pain.
I understand exactly how you feel. Christmas somehow changed after Mom passed away. But I try to make it enjoyable for my kids, and we have a good time. It is just different now. Hugs and prayers.
I agree with you. Christmas just does not seem like Christmas anymore.
Matt there is much I can say on the subject but most if not all of it has been
by your other friends. I know how it feels to lose loved ones and long for them
at the time of holidays. And I also long for the feelings I had in my childhood
but I think the fact is, the holiday should be what we care to make of it.
I stopped exchanging gift with family members years ago and suggested we
have a family gathering of good food and laughter. Sharing that with those I love
for me is what the holiday has become, it fills my heart and rekindles the holiday spirit
at least for me.
Wishing you well this season, and hoping you find what it is that will brighten
your spirit and warm your insides..
Cheers.
*~matthew~*
@macphoto - thanks, this cold dark winter is not helping. I like your idea of a virtual support group of some sort. Thanks for recommending.
@yang1815 - I’ve even stopped listening to the Christmas music.
@CurryPuffy - ah… cuddling is good. J doesn’t celebrate Xmas so that makes it a bit easier. I’m glad I’ll always have company as long as I keep writing.
@pika_whoosh - thanks Matthew, much appreciated.
@Diva_Jyoti_3 - that’s great! I wonder if it has to do with the recent move … new environment and all that.
@brooklyn2028 - gosh, I hope this feeling doesn’t last for both of us (and others too).
@Mal_P - thank you for the hugs and for recommending.
@Fatcat723 - holy smokes… I knew you worked at the clinic but didn’t remember you had another part time job. I hope you’ll get some time to rest. Hopefully you won’t have to work 2 jobs for a long time. Take care Rob.
@Babyboomerjill - yeah… children need to smile and laugh and Xmas is a wonderful time for most of them.
@kunhuo42 - maybe I should have flew down to your place for your Christmas party. I’ll be anonymous of course…
@bolt99 - I’m not sure, I think my 80 year old self will appreciate every day more and more.
@christao408 - I am hoping for the same thing too.
@stepaside_loser - yeah, for me, I felt it was the least I could do for them. I chipped in for a lot of big expenses (AC, furnace, car repairs…). I never thought anything of it since they did so much for me.
@New_Egyptian - I’m glad you’re making it fun and enjoyable for the children. They’ll remember it for many, many years. Thanks for the hugs and prayers.
@Tallman - I wonder what it would take to make it feel like Christmas again.
@bleuzeus - I hope you go through this Xmas in good spirits Matthew. Do take care.
high, I mean HI! Thank you for the response, however I forgot what I had been talking about, anyway, hi! OK, bye!
At least you weren’t this kid:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zpqtdrthpIA
hugs, matt, HUGS. i never quite get the spirit of christmas since it’s not something that me and my family accustomed to by living in indonesia, a muslim country, and ourselves chinese buddhist. growing up in indonesia, we never did have any snow or cold weather to accompany our holiday celebrations. i did have a christmas tree for a short few years when i was a kid, but that’s cause it was my aunt’s attempt to feel the overseas celebration. i used to live in a house with 2 grandmas, 5 aunts, 3 uncles, 2 cousins and 2 sisters, in addition to my own parents. yeah, we ALL shared rooms. good old simple days. anyways, i remember the plastic tree started out as green but it eventually changed to a dusty grey-green since it was always kept in the attic. it was a nice decoration but never had a meaning to us. i’m guessing the christmas spirit would resemble the excitement for chinese new year for us chinese. i must say, similar to your lack of excitement for christmas, i too have lost my innocent eagerness and enthusiasm for chinese new year. it’s just not the same without the feel of the old house and my 2 late grandmas and the 3-day cooking preparation and having people coming in from morning ’till night to savor my grandmas’ cooking. now everyone just want to travel. but there’s one thing that WE BOTH can still do. REMEMBERING it. when we do, it always warms the heart no matter where we are or how old we get.
Thanks Matt. I need two part time jobs to keep the bills current. The clinic is not doing well so my hours were cut to 20 a week. With the addition of the petrol station/convenience store I am am back to @35 a week,
@ElusiveWords - I feel the same way, however it does mean something and it is something – definitely not nothing, definitely
@ElusiveWords - haha well, it wasn’t a masquerade so i’m not sure how you would have remained anonymous! you would have been welcome to come, though.
The crowds is the reason why I start shopping for Christmas online during Thanksgiving.
Better deals, no people to deal with, and comes right to your door.
Happy holidays!
Here, I do not actually consider it is likely to have effect.
at this shop | at this shop | at this shop