January 24, 2011
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Mortality
We’ve been keeping an eye on dad these past few weeks. We received word that his brother in law (my uncle) passed away a couple of weeks ago. He’s more like a friend to my dad and they have known each other for decades. His brother in law lives across the ocean and my dad last visited him a few years ago when he was still able to get around. They’ve always exchanged cards and phone calls. I’ve only met him once and he was a very generous man with a big heart. I dropped by the day after he heard the news to make sure he was ok. He didn’t say much and kept to himself during our weekly dinner. When I took him to one of his medical appointments, I broached the subject. He wanted more details about my uncle’s death. I told him as much as I know about my uncle’s illness. At the hospital, he was unusually calm and patient even with the long wait.
The next day though, he exploded in anger on my brother for something very trivial. I was surprised when I heard about this. I think my brother understood that it wasn’t anything he did. My sister on the other hand has a somewhat tense relationship with my dad. She’s the primary care giver so the stress is high. While she cares for him very much, they have a tough time communicating with each other. Sometimes I try to tell my sister that dad’s gradual dementia can get the better of him and she shouldn’t take it personally. But we all have very different relationship with dad. He worked long hours and it was mom that really raised us. When mom passed away our “cushion” from dad was removed. So each of us approached this in our own way and had to rebuild new bonds.
I’m sure dad senses his mortality each day. He failed an eye test as well which meant he had to stop driving. It was something he had stubbornly refused despite our pleas and stern discussions. It was the last vestige of a former life that he clung on to. A life where he was independent and in charge. The news of my uncle’s passing and his ill health are stark reminders. I try to take all of this day by day but the days will soon run out. There are still some difficult and tricky discussions that I need to have with him.
Comments (27)
Be sure to have those tricky discussions soon — they may not be possible as he becomes weaker. The lack of independence is a huge issue as our elders lose their capabilities — the explosions can be borne of frustration more than almost anything else. And the conversations will let him know that you are all ok and can continue on after his death.
Sorry to hear that! It must be hard on everyone. Hang in there, Matt. Hug!
Bless you in this time of hardship. My father-in-law has had to give up his driving recently, though he may have a chance with macular therapy (a shot of medicine in the eye, once a month). My wife is slowly fading,but she’s at home and we plan to keep her here.
I think you are much stronger than the credit you give yourself.
I deal fairly well with death but I don’t know if I will be able to handle the process unfold in front of me with aging. Most of the deaths that I have seen are sudden unexpected ones- here one day, gone the next.
be strong. our thoughts are with you and your family! =)
You sound strong and calm in this post. I hope your dad will still have many good years yet. You’re doing great, Matt. Well done.
hang in there buddy. *hug*
You’re still a good son.
You are a good son Matt and don’t forget that. Yes, it will be a tricky discussion but one that needs to happen. Hang in there!
thanks for sharing elusivewords. i rarely ever come across journal entries that talk about such deep and intimate family experiences… i really appreciate it.. i think caring for a loved one takes so much effort but it really makes our hearts more expansive, more elastic, more loving… we take life with a much better perspective…
Good luck with everything Mattie! I don’t even know how I would handle the situation. My aunt is the primary caregiver of my grandmother and at family functions she often snaps at my grandmother. However, I can understand because it must be frustrating to take care of someone you love getting more and more child like. *HUGS*
I’m thinking of your dad!
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hang in there matt! i never really had to deal with this process, because my grandmother passed away when i was young enough to not worry about such things, and my grandfather passed away after i had been on the east coast for a couple years. since you have this time available to you, try to make the most of it, as difficult as it may be at times!
Sending you warm thoughts!
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Yes, thank you for sharing…stay strong.
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Well Matt, I hope you and your siblings would hang in there, and take things one day at a time. Everytime you mention about your dad, makes me think about mine too, I just don’t know how to deal with it when the day comes (and I think it’ll be very soon), since we are on the other side of the world from him. I may just have to move back to HK someday!
If I’ve learned anything with my parents and grandparents, it’s that you should tackle the tricky discussions as early as possible so you don’t have to worry about unresolved questions if the time comes that they start losing the mental grip. It’s definitely a rough situation. Best of luck to you and hope things work out. =)
Continue to encourage discussions with him and your siblings. He needs to hear them now, and not when he hasn’t become the subject of more dementia. I can understand the anger and the frustration. Just be patient. Blessings to you and your siblings, Matt.
Something that surprised me was to learn that for my grandparents, both of whom are approaching 91, losing the ability to drive was their greatest fear. It really does represent independence in its ultimate form, doesn’t it?
You know I’m always thinking about you and your father and wishing both of you the best.
@slmret - I agree. I also worry about his reaction but I hope he’ll be more relieved that another source of stress has been dealt with. We’ve never had these types of talks before. I still have to figure out how to help him cope with his loss of independence.
@stevew918 - thanks Steve, I appreciate it.
@cyberbear - thank you for your words of support. I hope you continue to stay strong as you support your wife.
@Dezinerdreams - well, I think I can put on this mask of strength sometimes.
@jace1982 - thank you Jason.
@stepaside_loser - I hope he will stay healthy for a few more years as well. But the rate of his decline is quite noticeable lately.
@wutuwaitn4 - thanks wuwu, I appreciate it.
@yang1815 - there are days when I don’t feel like I’m one. There are just so much more that I think I should do.
@Fatcat723 - thanks Rob, sometimes it’s hard to feel that I’m a good son when there’s still so much more I feel I should be doing. I gotta figure out how to handle these discussions without making it too depressing for him.
@snixkuo - thanks for the compliment. I blog anonymously so I think it’s a bit easier for me to write about these things. You also treat these subjects with sensitivity on your blog too. I’ve certainly learned a lot more about my dad and my relationship with him has improved. p.s. pls call me Matt (everyone else does).
@brooklyn2028 - thanks for the hugs Sheldon. There really isn’t a manual for this sort of stuff. The dialogue and discussion is often covered with many layers of emotions and can be very tense.
@TheCheshireGrins - thanks Meg, I appreciate it.
@Roadlesstaken - I’ll try Alex, thank you.
@ElusiveWords - If you do everything you should do, it would be never-ending.
@kunhuo42 - thank you Aaron. I didn’t really have to deal with this stuff when my mom passed away. It’s good advice to make the most out of the time I have with him.
@CareyGLY - thanks Carey!
@aPieceOfTheSky - I will – thank you.
@CurryPuffy - the physical distance will make it challenging for you and your brother. I often think about you when I deal with my dad. Maybe your company can grant you a personal leave of absence.
@bengozen - that’s good advice and that seems to be the consensus. Thanks Ben.
@ZSA_MD - it’s so easy to take those anger and frustrations personally and I think that has made it difficult for my sister. I thank you for the blessings.
@christao408 - hey Chris, thanks for your kind words.
Hugs Matt. You know, every time I read your posts about your Dad, I cant help but think what a wonderful and loving book they would make. They are sad and beautiful all at the same time. I wish there were something that could make these days easier on our loved ones as well as those caring for them.