August 3, 2011

• Not at Peace

  It’s been many years since I saw dad on lying on a hospital bed.  This time it was for a routine surgery.  The doctors say they do this so often that it has become routine.   He was very impatient waiting for his operation.  I don’t think he slept that much and was grumpy throughout the morning.  I guess when you aren’t allowed to eat or drink, you’re allowed to be grumpy.  My brother kept wandering off to find a good signal for his smartphone.  My sister went off to look for coffee.  I didn’t mind being alone with dad even though he was asleep.  After a few hours of waiting, they finally wheeled him off for the surgery.  I didn’t say goodbye because it was routine.  We told him we would be waiting for him in the recovery room. 

  We went back downstairs to grab a bite to eat and waited.  I chatted with my brother for a bit while my sister ran off to get some groceries.  I’m not particularly close to my siblings.  I think I had an awkward hug with my brother once although we do kid with each other a lot.  The last time I hugged my sis was when mom passed away.  My brother and I had a good chat about his career, his financial situation and caught up with each other.  After sis came back we continued to chat about this and that – nothing serious.  I knew we were all thinking the same thing about dad but none of us wanted to talk about it. 

  After downing more coffees we went back upstairs to the waiting room.  There were a couple of folks there.  The only sound was from the TV.  No one smiled or spoke to each other.  I guess we were all lost in our own worlds.  After another hour, they wheeled dad into his room.  It has 4 beds.  One of the beds was unmade and a tray of food had been nibbled on.  They had given him a sedative and a local.  But he was groggy.  I was surprised at how gaunt he looked.  The bandages, the IV and other monitoring stuff that were on him made him looked so frail.  After a few minutes, he declared that he was hungry.  We took at look at his tray of hospital food.  There was some water, a sandwich and a wilted salad.  My sister decided to get some food from the food court downstairs.  I let him have a sip of water which he vomited.

  It took another 5 hours of resting before he was able to leave.  We helped him change and eased him into the wheelchair.  My brother and sister took him home while I went home.  For the remainder of the week, I spent my days at his place helping with some chores and making sure he was ok.  He did have a nasty rash which the doctors diagnosed as a delayed allergic reaction to one of the medication. When I drove him back for a check up, he was a bit despondent.  “Why do all these things happen to me now when I’m old?”  I didn’t know how to answer.  We drove by High Park.  It’s always on our way but this time he said “Your mom and I used to go to this park a lot.  We had a lot of good walks here.”  They would walk for an hour or two.  It was one of their many routines.  

  I used to be able to compartmentalize my thoughts and feelings.  But not anymore.  It’s not easy when I work or if I’m having fun.  Inevitably my mind will drift and think of my dad and what else I should be doing for him.  My mind is not at peaceful place to be in right now.  But I know for that to happen, my dad will have to be with my mom. 

   

   

  • 11:28 PM
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