November 20, 2011

• Intruder Alert!

  In my deranged mind:

  I used my bulging and muscular arms to open the door to the throne room.  It was dark inside but my keen sense of vision detected a creature lurking in the dark.  I lit a torch and let out my war cry.  Samoan warriors have nothing on me.  Samurais would flee when they hear my war cry. It was an ancestral war cry - a harbinger of doom for all those who would fight me.  It was fair warning for anyone who raised their sword against me.  I saw this prehistoric creature before me.  It was ugly with an armoured shell with gangly legs.  "Prepare to die intruder!"  I grabbed my metal club spikes and metal claws.  I swung twice and both times the creature ran away.  But the thunderous sound of my club hitting the stone floor must have stunned him.  It cowered into the corner.  I screamed "Fight me you coward and die a noble death!"  The creature ran behind to the other side of the throne.  But I quickly cornered it again.  I raised my club.  "Spare me my lord, please spare me."  "Why should I spare you?"  I was suspicious and was ready to send this ugly creature back to where it came from.

  It squeaked:  "I did not know this was your throne room.  The beauty mesmerized me when I flew by.  I only wanted  to admire it.  Please spare my life."   

  "You must earn your life back."  I led it to the window overlooking the cliffs.  I pointed to a small rocky crag on the cliff side.  "You must make your way across the cliff side to that area.  From there, you can fly away and never show your face in here."  I took out my bow and arrow.  "If you start to fly before you reach that point, this arrow will quickly end your life.  "The cliff side is strewn with loose rocks.  If you fall, pray that you will die a quick death.  The waters below are rough and cold."  I pushed him out the window and watched him slowly struggle his way across to the spot.  It stopped once to look at me with disdain and hate.  But I could smell his fear too.  I put down my bow and arrow and walked away from the window.  Sometimes the best show of strength is not displaying it. 

  What really happened:

  I opened the door to the washroom to grab the bath mats - it was time for laundry.  I didn't turn on the lights but I could see something dark against the white bath mat.  I turned on the light.  It was a small grasshopper or cricket.  I stifled a girly scream.  wtf? Where did it come from?  I grabbed a newspaper and rolled it up.  I swung twice but it ran away behind the toilet.  I thought twice.  If I smashed that thing flat, I'll have to scrape it off the floor.  Ugh...  I shut the door, ran to the kitchen and grabbed a small rubbermaid container.  I ran back to the washroom and managed to corner it into the container.  I opened the small screen window in my condo and threw it out to the ledge.  I quickly shut the window so it wouldn't come back in. I think this might be the most exciting thing that will happen to me today. 

  • 1:54 PM
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