December 6, 2011
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Life is for living
It was my mom's birthday a few days ago. My sis and I went there to drop off some flowers in memory of her birthday. I remember going there almost every week. Then it became every couple of weeks and now it has faded to a few times a year. It was actually quite peaceful that day. My brother and his wife joined us for a nice family dinner. I had a fleeting dream about her the other day. She was cleaning out my fridge. I saw the wilted celery stalks on the counter and I felt ashamed that she saw me wasting food. Some times when I sleep in, I swear I hear her voice telling me to wake up. The first time that happened, it scared me. Now I just pull my ass out of bed to face the world when she tells me to wake up. The other day, I woke up at 8:30. I was fortunate I didn't have any early meetings and I could work that day from home.
It's been so busy at work lately. It has consumed me this past few months. I started writing this entry about the problems at work and my struggles trying to cope. But they don't seem that important anymore. I've lost something in me. How does one rediscover oneself?
As for blogging... I've fallen behind. I catch glimpses of your blogs. Maybe my blogging days are over. I hope not. I still fantasize about blogging regularly. But most of all I fantasize about finding myself.
Comments (37)
Always good to visit your mom. That's a little weird about her telling you to wake up!
lately I've been doing the same as you.
This was really kind of sweet. I dig it. I envy you.
my mum is alive and I don't see her, and don't want to.
Stay strong my friend.
My mother died a year ago this week -- although I don't hear her voice, I do hear her commands and expectations every day. Work is a good diversion -- for a while -- then it becomes important to move to a more balanced life, with work and play mixed appropriately.
I suspect, you're like me, and will never really leave.
Good luck our your journey of self discovery though!
It's always nice to remember someone very dear to you, Matt. I sometimes dreamed of my departed partner too.
Short entries like this one would be delightful!
It's nice to feel that probably she is still watching over you. Hope you rediscover what you're looking for!
Great post, very touching. My dad passed away years ago and buried in Hong Kong. I do not have the luxury to visit his graves yearly, but I think of him, and miss him many times. Your nice written blog brings me back many of my fond memories of him. His gentle fatherly smile, and the hint of tears in his eyes when he saw me off flying back to America to continue my study. That was my last images of him. Thanks, Matt, I bet your mom have fond thoughts of you, her beloved son and very very proud of you.
"How does one rediscover oneself?" beats me. i'm still trying to search for meaning of life and what i'm supposed to do and be in this world. when you discover the answer to your question, feel free to drop me a note. as for the dreams of your mum, be glad you still have them. it would be a sad day when you no longer have her show up in your sleep or hear her faint voice nagging you, even if it's just a whisper in your private mind.
Your latest entries always has a line near the end that puts a lump in my throat, Matt.
@CurryPuffy - I didn't know that about you, Gary. I'm really sorry to hear of that.
Fantasize is such a strong word. hehe
miss my mom too... it was actually her death in '09 that contributed to my writer's block and I stopped xanga'ing altogether... but you know xanga's like that scene in The Godfather where Pacino says he tries to leave--- but, they keep pulling him back.
Good luck. I dream that i am antique shopping with my departed mother-in-law, with whom I shopped many times. One time, not long after my mom died, I dreamed that we were walking along a cliff together and she slipped off the edge and I couldn't save her. My psychiatrist said, "Well, that doesn't need any interpretation, does it?"
I searched and searched to find myself. Then found that if I quit searching outside and start searching deep inside of me I would find myself. Guess what it works and I then went on to love that person. Moms are always there for us. They learn that in "Mom School".
Your mom is still looking out for you (:
Blogging < Finding yourself. I guess to rediscover one's self, you need to take a step back from everything, and just have a day to yourself. It's so easy to get caught up in everyday life, without knowing yourself that well. But if one doesn't know who they are, how do you know that you're doing what you actually want to do? What are your goals? Why are you doing the things you're doing? Is it because you want to, or because you feel obligated to? Best of luck to you (:
Take a deep breath. I think I kinda understand how it feels to have work consume your life, heck.. I was just about to write an entry on it (and have written one recently related to it). You need to go on an adventure... go do something exciting if you can. You should find yourself somewhere along the way.
As for blogging, you may actually just need a break from everything, so don't be too concerned about falling behind here. I've taken lots of hiatus's from xanga over the years when I just needed to be alone and all that jazz.
All the best bud.
I often feel haunted by my mother too, but that's when she's not actually calling. I couldn't get on without her though, not right now, I'm grateful!
I know exactly how you feel Matt. It's good that you feel your mom's presence in your heart. That's why you hear her and/or dream about her.
Don't stop blogging. Take your time, but keep writing about her and your father and your self, and gradually you will find yourself. I promise you, you will. It just comes on gradually and one day you will sit at your desk and say..."wow, this is me, and here I am."
Much love and many hugs dear heart.
aww..don't stop blogging!
it's the pre-holiday rush! i've been swamped at work too... i've been coming home late this whole week! hopefully the madness dies down quickly. i'm looking forward to visiting my parents next week.
Just want to share a quote : "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."
@DivaJyoti - I think my mind is still in the state between sleeping and waking up.
@poemas_rotos - I hope you'll find a way to deal with this better than I have.
@Bricker59 - thank you for the words of encouragement.
@slmret - I work in a company that celebrates long hours and while work life balance is an issue, it's usually left between the employee and manager to sort that out. It's tough sometimes trying to push back. I get time off to take my dad to his appts but beyond that, it's not that easy to book personal time off.
@CareyGLY - the community here is what always keeps me coming back. This self discovery journey might take ages.
@CurryPuffy - I remember you writing a little bit about your late partner from comments here and there. I'm glad you still dream of him. Maybe I should just write in pulses.
@Dezinerdreams - I do get a certain sense of comfort even though she's been gone for some time now.
@stevew918 - thanks Steve. I often thought of many people like you who had to leave their loved ones behind to study and/or to work.
@rudyhou - I will be sure to drop you a note when I find the meaning of life (if I don't blog about it first).
@stepaside_loser - didn't mean to get you feeling a bit emotional. I'll try to write an entry that leaves you with a ticklish feeling next time.
@oxyGENE_08 - welcome back, I still have to catch up on your Korean trip pictures.
@MyKi_Whatzerface - Xanga has a powerful, addictive type of pull doesn't it?
@whyzat - I think your psychiatrist could have used a lot more tact and diplomacy. Thank you for dropping in.
@Fatcat723 - some times it can be a bit scary to search deep within oneself.
@AzureRecollections - thanks Daniel, that's good advice.
@ModerateYoungMother - it's not quiet haunting, just hints of her presence every so often. It's hard to describe.
@ZSA_MD - with my luck, that moment will come when I'm sitting in the toilet. But I think writing can help - especially those moments of reflection. Thank you for the rec.
@jace1982 - I probably won't. btw - I don't have a tumblr account but I do follow you there as well. Nice pics.
@kunhuo42 - ahh.. your annual Xmas trip back home to the islands. I hope you'll be able to catch your breath before you leave.
@vsan79 - thanks Vincent, I like that quote. I hope you're feeling a bit better.
@ElusiveWords - Haha. OK, I'm holding you to it, don't let me down!
@ElusiveWords - It's cool. There's not much yet. haha
don't stop blogging, it's one of the ways to express yourself......just do it whenever you feel like and able to......
I have been distant from my bloggin world,, slowing coming back,
or attempting it.. I hope you find the time, I would hate for you
to give it up.
I hope you are well, thank you for checking up on me.
*~matthew~*
You know, I swear that I saw you the other day. Now, you ask, how would you know me if you saw me since I've never seen a pic of you? Well, it was a weird intuition. Anyways, that was kinda random but in all seriousness, I hope that you find yourself. I don't know what that means and to be honest, I wish I knew cause I'd like to find myself too sometimes. All I can offer is a virtual *hug* and hope it helps.
@agmhkg - I can be on Xanga commenting, replying to comments, reading, writing & before I know it, I've spent an hour or two already. I have to figure out a different approach.
@bleuzeus - I do hope I find the time as well. There are some very good people here that are part of this virtual community. I'm glad to see you coming back.
@brooklyn2028 - The virtual hug is very much appreciated. If I do bump into you somewhere, I'll summon the courage to introduce myself (I just hope you don't dissolve in a fit of laughter...).
@ElusiveWords - Seriously, stop saying that! I definitely will not!
If you need to take a break from blogging, that's understandable. I too have been through that phase. But I recommend you don't stop. I know you'd be missed greatly.
It's good that you remember your mother and dream of the times you've shared together. Those memories will last a lifetime.
happy birthday to auntie
it's been a while since i last visited here lol
anyway
hohohoho merry christmas XD
that's so nice you still go and visit her. she knows you do, and i'm sure she really appreciates it. (:
the last person i lost was one of my very close friends, nicole. a few friends and i drove three hours away to go to her viewing. if i hadn't, i knew a part of me would always regret it..
and as for finding yourself-- once i finally figure out the secret, i'll let you know.
same here about blogging.
Happy holidays Matty, and happy 2012!
isn't it funny that we lose pieces of ourselves as we get older and go deeper into work and other obligations? i would love to rediscover myself too. i love that you have dreams about the little things that your mom used to say and do. it's as if she's still with you. i lost my father 10 years ago, and i've already forgotten too much of that wonderful man. sigh. hope you can find ways to de-stress. and besides, blogging should be for you. whatever you need it to be, for however often you feel like.