January 31, 2012
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To be or not to be
A few weeks ago, I had dinner with my cousin whom I wrote about before (click here). We get along very well and always enjoy a few laughs whenever we get together. While we enjoy each other’s company, I’ve never really shared anything very personal with him before. I found out the last time we got together that he is a devout Roman Catholic.
This time we met up at a Japanese restaurant for dinner. The food was ok but not spectacular. We chatted about work, cars, family and joked around as usual. Eventually the conversation shifted over to divorce & relationships amongst family and friends. I think we were talking about someone who was living together, had kids but wasn’t married. He reminded me about his views on marriage. He then shared with me his opinion on gay marriage. He told me he knew a couple of coworkers that were gay. I asked him if he had any gay friends. He said no. I then told him that I’m gay. He kept saying “No, you’re joking right?” He seemed stunned by all of this.
I hadn’t planned all of this out. It just sort of happened. He quickly apologized for what he had said and was worried I was offended. I told him I understood his views although I disagree with them. I also told him I grew up as a Roman Catholic. So a lot of what he said was stuff I had heard before which is why I don’t attend church anymore. He said he felt like he just stuck his foot in his mouth and must have sounded like an idiot. He seemed genuinely surprised by what he had just heard but didn’t really ask me a lot of questions about it. We continued chatting until the restaurant started to close up. We walked together while the snow fell on us. As I got to the subway station, I turned to say goodbye. Again he apologized and said he hoped none of what he had said earlier had offended me. I assured him it didn’t. We did the ol’ shake hands and half hug thing that guys do.
I guess time will tell if he still feels comfortable hanging out with me. It’ll be sad if he doesn’t but that’s not something I can control.
Comments (32)
Who knows, maybe his opinion will slowly change now.
Ooh…Matt coming out to a relative! I wonder if he would spread the news to other family members?
@CurryPuffy - actually another cousin knows (we’re more like best friends). I told him years ago and he said he said he pretty well knew. (I just exude gayness.)
@Roadlesstaken - I hope so.
Did you really say it like that? After he said he didn’t have any gay friends you just said. “I’m gay”? That would be kind of hilarious actually. I hope your cousin doesn’t let his religious views affect your friendship.
Well, I have been in situations where I rambled on things and found out another person is exactly what I rambled about.
But yeah … rumors. *hehe*
lol that *awkward* moment huh? haha well should be interesting for yah
You did what you had to do, now it’s up to him to decide how to deal with that.
i’ve aways wanted to do the same with my relatives. such the way over a meal and having a personal conversation is what i had always had in mind. i’m glad for you to have done so with this particular cousin. no matter how different he communicates with you in the future, this certainly has marked the day that he has been reeducated. i’m sure he now has to reevaluate how he sees the idea behind ‘love thy neighbors and enemies’ and practice what the religion teaches.
How brave of you, Matt – it’s hard for me to say those words “I’m gay”. I hesitate, deliberate and put in a lot of effort to allow the words to escape my mouth. You’re just too cool about it haha. Hope he’s not genuinely weird about gay people, but we shall wait and see.
i’m sure he’ll come around.
Remember, its not what others think, but what you know that counts.
That’s a brave thing you did Matt. Who knows maybe he’ll learn to be more accepting because of you.
I have done that once to a friend – when he starting objecting to same sex marriage. He said he knew gay people and they act different too. I was angry and said I didn’t know I acted different I am gay. I think he swallowed his foot that he had in his mouth.
Yes, the rest of the time at coffee was spent apologizing. I was pleasantly surprised to find he called a couple weeks later to get together for coffee. So far so good. If he does not contact you again it is his loss, not yours!!!!
@supanamja - pretty well, I think I said “You know I’m gay right?” He said he was cool with it but I’ll see. I’m hoping he doesn’t let religion get in the way of friendship.
@beowulf222 - hahaha… I do that sometimes too.
@radio03 - I think it was more awkward for him than me.
@kachino - agree, I hope he will feel comfortable.
@stepaside_loser - well – some folks know about me but most don’t. I’m not sure if I’m that brave though.
@wutuwaitn4 - I hope so too.
@The_Eyes_Of_A_Painter - agree – thank you.
@oxyGENE_08 - another cousin told me that too. If I’m the first gay friend / relative that he knows, maybe he’ll see things differently.
@Fatcat723 - I agree it’s his loss, I just want to be up front about it and I’d rather our relationship is based on honesty.
@ElusiveWords - Yup. Just give him time.
It sounds like he does seem comfortable hanging out with you. I think that if he didn’t, he would’ve tried to leave ASAP, not talk with you til the restaurant closed.
I am glad he has become aware of you being gay. I think the last time you met him you kinda worried that he may not know about you—-. So now he knows, and I bet you feel so relieved that you shared this with him. I am sure that if he is a good man and good relative, he will not mind at all, and will make extra effort to be loving and caring about your views.
@ElusiveWords - Then end of your my comment and the end of your reply was the exact same thing in different words. Hahahaha
@hilabpartnerxD - I hope he will remain comfortable with me.
@ZSA_MD - I’m going to stay optimistic that things will work out.
@supanamja - I think my brain went for a walk like that Calvin cartoon.
@ElusiveWords - Has to be that dude because I noticed what you did and I’m baked as hell right now.
@rudyhou - you know, I’ve always wondered if he is gay and can’t deal with it because of his religion.
@ElusiveWords - haha… hhmm, what makes you think that?
It seems like a really nice, calm way to do things. I think it shows just how secure you are with yourself that you can do that. I’m envious, Matt, I really am.
@rudyhou - my gaydar sort of flickered back to life. It’s a hunch although he did tell me he just met a girl.
@secade - I’m not as secure as I sometimes sound. I don’t write about the inner turmoils and fear that I go through.
@ElusiveWords - he could just be a somewhat sensitive straight guy.
let’s hope this has opened the door to a more open, frank, and honest relationship between you too!
Good for you, Matt. Not necessarily great that your cousin feels like he put his foot in his mouth but maybe it will lift the scales from his eyes and he’ll understand that his views affect the lives of real people, not just abstract people with whom he has no direct connection.
Sorry for being late on commenting on this – I notice that you’re blogging again more frequently!
@jace1982 - Amen!
@jace1982 - I hope so too Jason (ahem… I’ve noticed you haven’t blogged a lot lately. I hope things are going well).
@christao408 - another cousin of mine (who also happens to be gay) was saying the same thing as well. I’m trying to write a bit more – it seems to help calm my mind.
that would be sad. but oh well.
@yang1815 - well, I’ll leave it up to him to decide. But yeah… it would be sad.
@ElusiveWords - At least good thing that you have other cousins right?
And a lot of times, friends > family. You hang out with family because you have to. Don’t have to if the friends are bad.