May 22, 2012
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Visiting Mom
A couple of weeks ago, dad told me that he wanted to visit the cemetery for Mother’s Day. He has only been there a handful of times since mom passed away. It affects him so much after each visit that he decided not to visit. So I was surprised when he made the request. I carefully inquired if he was up to it and he assured me that he was. My sister and I picked up some flowers and we all piled into my car. There was a bit of small talk on the way there but otherwise it was a quiet trip.
When we got to the cemetery, I drove up as close to the columbarium and stopped the car (the columbarium is outdoors). Dad was already trying to pull himself out of the car. I quickly walked over to his side and helped him out of the car. I held on to him (as I always do since he is not steady) and we walked about 30 feet to where mom’s spot was. Her spot is eye level so he didn’t have to bend down. He stood there and declined my suggestion to sit on the nearby bench. I let go and gave him a bit of privacy. My sister was already arranging and watering the flowers. I helped my sister a bit with the flowers & went back to stand beside my father. He said “The script is very nice.” referring to the writing on mom’s plaque. “Yes it is dad, you wrote it.” He nodded.
He looked down at the flowers we selected and watched as my sister continued to fuss over them. It was one of the few times he didn’t object to my sister taking her time. He took a couple of steps back and looked around. “I like this spot. It’s quiet and shady.” He looked back and noted the small reserved signs around mom’s spot. I didn’t know what to say. I hoped he remembered the spot beside mom was already reserved for him. Finally my sister was done and we all agreed that our flowers are always the best. He started to move and I helped him back to the car.
During dinner, I watched him carefully for any signs of distress. But he ate well and pronounced himself self stuffed. I drove him home afterwards. The peace didn’t last long. Soon he and my sis started to disagree when he should take his eye drops. I just sighed. I didn’t need to be reminded that mom was always the glue that held us all together.
Comments (29)
I’m so glad it was a good visit for your dad — I’m sure it’s difficult for him, but it sounds as if this one went very well!
Moving and well written.
A very sweet post. I enjoyed it.
I feel calm about the visiting, except the disagreement between your dad and your sister…..maybe the latter is the reality we all live in…? anyway have a good week…..
That was a very well written post, Matt – tears were forming in my eyes.
Oh, what a touchy entry, especially the last phrase!
beautifully written.
Very touching.
My mom is definitely the glue that holds this family together. I don’t know what we’d do without her.
It is amazing, the people who hold the family together. We never realize it until it’s too late. I recently lost my gramma, nearly a year ago. I cannot believe that it has been so long already, feels like it just happened. The family proceeded to fall apart not long afterward, myself included. In losing her, we lost a part of our family history, and ugly secrets that had once been hidden were revealed. I miss her, but at the same time, I’m glad she is suffering no more.
i’m glad your dad is at a place where he wants to go see your mom. my heart ripped for your family when i read this. reminds me of how my family and i skirt around talking about it when the topic of my dad’s death comes up. sounds like your mom and my dad had the same role. i’ve decided that it’s comforting to even bond over the awkwardness of it all. *hugs* to you and your dad.
{{hugs}} and lots of love Matt. I have tears in my eyes. You are so sweet and caring.
Despite her domineering attitude, your sister loves your dad so much. I feel certain of that.
@slmret - I was surprised at how well he reacted. It’s taken him a long time to come to get to this stage.
@beowulf222 - thank you Nick.
@reginasikora - thank you, I appreciate the compliment.
@agmhkg - despite their disagreements, I think they truly do care for each other. They just can’t figure out how to deal with each other (both are type A personalities).
@stepaside_loser - thanks Andrew, appreciate the rec as well. Sometimes I think I write nothing but tear jerker, sappy type blogs.
@CurryPuffy - thanks Gary, I still miss her.
@aPieceOfTheSky - thank you, appreciate the compliment and the rec.
@I_love_Burma - thank you for the rec.
@jennfaceee - I don’t know how people like our moms can do that, I just think they are so strong.
@GnosticRose - thanks for the comment. I’m sorry for the loss of your grandma, she obviously was very special and dear to you. I hope over time, your family will find a way to slowly come together.
@caki730 - hi, I hope things are going well for you. Thanks for dropping by, I know you’re pretty busy. I appreciate the hugs.
@ZSA_MD - you’re right about my sister. She’s a type A personality and has a difficult time expressing her love for my dad. Despite their differences, I do know she cares a great deal for him. I just wish she would take it easy. Thanks for the hugs and also for the rec. Take care.
Poignant, Matt. Andy and I were talking about you over dinner. Sugi and Tawn are curious to know more about you and we shared the various stories we know. Wish you could have been here with us.
@christao408 - thanks for the compliment and the rec Chris. Now I wonder what stories you shared….
@reginasikora - thank you for the rec.
I thought about the glue in our family and it was mom. Maybe that is one of the things they learn in “Mom School”
Glad to hear your Dad is doing well. As for the type A sister, you all need to slow down and breathe a bit. Be safe my friend.
You’re certainly proving that Xanga is not dead yet. Glad your Dad is doing better. Hope all is well!
@christao408 - I just realized that if I wasn’t anonymous, no one will be curious about me. It’s my only “appeal”.
@Fatcat723 - I think it’s a burden a lot of moms carry and they do it with honorably, silently and diligently.
@Toro69 - I was thinking of sending her away on vacation to chill out a bit. But that would mean I need to take time off to “daddy sit”. I hope you’re doing well Fred.
@CareyGLY - Carey! What do I have to do to drag you back to Xanga?
Very touching
Send her away, take a few days off. I think you would both benefit. Be safe my friend.
it’s always been my mum who scolds at dad for something. if my mum isn’t around, i think i will be the bad cop in the family as i don’t have the patience. this post got me thinking. i don’t even know where my mum and dad want to be buried. or if they want to be buried at all. maybe next to my grandma. or maybe grandpa. they both buried in a different city from each other.
Sounds like a nice time though. However long it lasted.
Super bien écrit Matt. C’est vrai que la mère est souvent la colle qui unit toute la famille …
Good flowers, fond memories, a beautiful spot. Your father must be grateful to have two of his offspring escort him and by his side. Not everyone has that privilege. Do try and be a light and bright spot bud. It often seems like there’s a cloud hanging over your entries, and I can only hope you’re finding some cheer in reality.
@kachino - merci beacoup, I appreciate the compliment. Moms are special.
@paperblanks - you’re not the first that have sensed a cloud. I thought I could disguise it well but my writing betrays me. I do try to “smell the roses”.
@ElusiveWords - Anything could happen, but I just don’t have the time or inclination right now…sorry! I’m flattered though.