September 22, 2012
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Meandering Thoughts
Sometimes I think writing keeps me sane. Maybe it’s just the process of sorting and organizing all these thoughts that fly around in my mind. Try to picture bats flying madly around in a cave, except my thoughts sometimes collide with each other. Recipes and S&M collide. A wok wrapped in black leather being sensually tortured over a hot stove. Food and cars collide. A Civic Si HFP covered in a heaping mound of fried rice. It’s strange.
I woke up this morning with a headache. It’s not a big massive headache. But it’s big enough for me to notice it. I look for my aspirins but they have disappeared. I have no idea where my aspirin ran off too. I think my aspirin has eloped with my viagra. Eternal sex w/o any headaches.
Maybe what I really need is a morning assistant. I need to become a morning person again.
Here’s what I’m looking for.
- Monday to Friday, show up at 5:15 AM – leave around 9:15 AM
- my alarm will ring at 5:30 AM. If I don’t get out of bed within 5 minutes you gently (and I mean gently) persuade me to get out of bed.
- no tickling, no pinching, no yelling, no spikes, no whips, no taser guns…
- help me downstairs (only 4 steps) to the bathroom
- fetch my newspapers so I can read while I take a dump
- make sure I don’t finish reading the entire newspaper in the bathroom
- gently push me into the shower
- get my clothes ready
- make coffee and breakfast
- make sure I have some fruits too
- open the blinds, windows etc…
- nudge me over to my desk and power up my laptop
- stick around to make sure I didn’t forget all my passwords
- make sure I have a healthy lunch in the fridge
- give me a word of encouragement
Comments (17)
Dude, you work from home now, no? If work starts at nine, what are you doing getting up so early????? If I worked from home, I’d have my alarm set for 8:55.
LOL dude you’re too young for an assistant like that! Sounds like a retirement home!
Rice and Civic? seems like a perfect match
start posting a job opening. first test during the interview… proper fitting of black leather on that wok of yours. if that candidate can’t even do this properly, move on to the next.
That sounds like your partner’s role XD
How much does it pay? I actually wake up at 5 to go to the gym. If I lived near by I would drag you out with me.
Why that is the middle of the morning! No, sorry I do not want the job. Maybe I should ask how much it pays first
Lol like a boss
LOL! I like the second comment! It does sounds like a retirement home! Bahahaha!
@supanamja - it takes me a long time to wake up. Sometimes I do have early meetings which I hate. All the senior mgm’t team are usually at work early.
@XtremePsionic - oh man… I have this tug of war every morning between getting out of bed and sleeping in. But I’m going to start following your suggestion about being amazing.
@rudyhou - hahaha…. I can’t believe I even wrote that.
@KevEats - he’s not a morning person.
@Wangium - omg – that’s amazing. I applaud your discipline. The pay is negotiable. hee hee…
@Fatcat723 - the middle of the morning? You’re probably up before the roosters are.
@oxyGENE_08 - of course! But I’m a nice manager.
@brooklyn2028 - there are days when I feel older than my dad – lol.
goodluck on your morning to do list…
Well, I exercise to support my eating habits
i can do the last one… good luck!
I’m not going to be applyng for that job anytime soon
@xxMissforbiddenfruitxx - thank you…. so far, no takers. Oh well…
@kunhuo42 - I need you to do everything else. But I’ll take anything I can get.
@secade - aww….
Dear Matt,
I guess I’ve always been a “morning person”. I wake up at or before 5am, and am at work by 6am. I do get off at 3pm (usually more like 4 or 5 when we’re busy). Only downside is that I’m ready for bed by 8pm, and if I stay up till 11pm or later, I don’t think I’m getting enough sleep.Just print out your assistant’s “routine” and tape it to your nitestand!
I’m now thinking about sadomasochistic activity and food preparation thanks to your thoughts. Are there any cooking shows with this theme?
Michael F. Nyiri, poet, philosopher, fool
Hahah, this was funny and clever. You really, really remind me of someone…
@baldmike2004 - sadly (and probably to a lot of people’s relief), I have not found any S&M cooking shows.
@stepaside_loser - I hope you’ll tell me who I remind you of.