December 11, 2012
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Seeking Happiness
This old song from Paul Simon describes what my mood has been in general these past few weeks.
"And after it rains
There's a rainbow
And all of the colors are black
It's not that the colors aren't there
It's just imagination they lack
Everything's the same
Back in my little town
Nothing but the dead and dying
Back in my little town
Nothing but the dead and dying
Back in my little town"Paul Simon: In My Little Town
The pressures from work has turned up several notches. The hours are long. For several weeks, I've had meetings (conference calls) at 8PM. Believe it or not, they are very well attended. Fear is a powerful motivator. As much as I try to stay calm, I know it's taken a toll on me. I've gotten several episodes of upset stomach and I know it's not from the food. For many years now I've been on meds for an irregular heartbeat. After one of these long stressful days, it returned. Fortunately I was able to get it back under control using a couple of techniques a doctor taught me. One of my colleagues is retiring at the end of the year. Despite the difference in age, we get along very well and have the same sense of humour. He's been a bit of a buffer between me and my manager. With another colleague away on sick leave, my team is down to the bare bones.
Dad has gotten a bit more frail and tires easily. His cancer continues to spread slowly in his bones but it hasn't hit any of his organs or lymph nodes. He continues to tell me that there's no pain. His oncologist told me that every patient is different so my dad could be telling me the truth. It's not pleasant watching him starting to fade. I need to spend more time with him. A couple of weeks ago, my family had a quiet dinner to celebrate my mom's birthday. It's hard to believe she's been gone for so long now. There are some bad memories of the final days that I've buried deep into my brain. And yet, they somehow leach into my consciousness and stain my mood. It's not how I want to honour her memory.
Of course the darkness of winter hasn't helped. I cringe whenever I hear Christmas songs now. It's not something I can relate to anymore. It's depressing
Deep inside, a quiet voice reminds me that I'm responsible for my own happiness.
When I wrote this entry a few days ago, something odd happened. I was almost finished dwelling in my misery and took a break. I turned on the TV and I immediately heard Dr. Wayne Dyer (self help guru) speaking. I looked for the remote control but before I could find it, he said (and I'm paraphrasing) "if you surround yourself with misery and negative thoughts, you will start to attract and live negative experiences." That was a bizarre coincidence. In the past few days, I came across a few blogs in my subscriptions about the highs and lows of life, happiness and staying positive. Another coincidence?
So what's next? I have to relearn that the lows in life aren't permanent. I can choose how to respond positively to life's challenges.
I'll continue this thread another time. Sleep beckons. Another day will start in a few hours.
Comments (30)
I think you'll be fine, not today, not tomorrow...
But there's a light in you, I can see it! And one day you'll feel better I'm sure of it!
It's always easier said than done, but do try to let go of thoughts that don't make you strong. Life will dish out whatever, whenever, all we can do is make sure at least we're not making things any harder by beating ourselves up.
Take care! Life sounds pretty tough at the moment. I think anyone in your case would be stressed.
"Deep inside, a quiet voice reminds me that I'm responsible for my own happiness." Yeah... then again, the lotto would make me very happy.
I understand the feeling . it doesn't get easier but life goes on and you have to try to be happy for you and learn deal .
Matt, I understand exactly where you are coming from. If you need to vent on someone, I will be there for you. Find time to spend with your Dad. That is something you will not be able to replace. As for the company, look for another job. I know the economy is still bad and will likely stay that way for a while, but you are talented, articulate and capable. Someone out there will appreciate that.
Deep inside Matt, is where you will find peace and the strength to face anything that is presented to you. I know it does not seem that way at times. This is also the time of the year when depression runs wild. Rein it in - you can.
Maybe the world is telling you something, Matt. We are all facing challenges at any given moment and facing opportunities, too. I do hope you don't let the stresses, especially from work, wear you down. All the experiences of life aren't worth anything if you don't have the health to enjoy them.
What are the techniques your doc has given you about your irregular heartbeat?
Hang in there, Matt! Chris is right about not letting stress from work letting you down. It's not worth it!
Every time when such moments come along, I'll surround myself with family and loved ones. That'll help most of the time.
I myself have been facing battles but the only way to defeat them is to seek happiness even in the most darkest of times.
I sincerely hope everything gets better sooner, rather than later.
... there; nothing is coincidental.
Look at the Christmas Story blogs I posted and try to smile when you see the kids in those videos.
If you don't cheer up you may start crying enough to raise the sea level and drown us all
I wish I had some spark of brightness to offer you. In my experience, when I'm happy, it's difficult to remember past lows, and when I'm miserable, it's difficult to remember past happiness. I suppose that to keep going, we must all remember that these feelings are ephemeral; must take care to savor the highs while looking past the lows.
Have you thought about seeing a therapist? Just as your doctor taught you techniques for your heartbeat, a therapist might be able to teach you some techniques to help you endure stresses in the workplace and at home. I can only imagine how stressful it must be to take care of an ailing parent. Best wishes!
sometimes when I hear christmas songs, i feel like there's snow outside even though my area doesn't get that
That song reminds me a lot of Shakira's "Sale el sol." But, just about everything reminds me of a Shakira song. So...
Rest well! Hopefully all that's between and positive reactions is a good night's sleep.
http://klawless.buythistoday.info/
Dearest Matt,
You have been in my thoughts and prayers, and so is your father. I know how much you loved your mother, and how close you were to her. I know that because you always mention her when you see my roses.I know how stressed you are at work. Can you talk to the manager and tell him that you are under major stress and would like to have some time off to just get through the stressful times? He surely knows what an amazing person you are and how much your work means to the entire department. I am sorry you are having health issues. I pray that you will overcome all difficulties soon. Every one goes through so many challenges in his/her life. How we face them and come out of them makes us the better person.There is a saying, " Do not fear going forward slowly, fear only to stand still."Love,Zakiah.
I also started a new job a while back, and my small piece of advice for stress from work is that: Don't give your 100%. If 90% is good enough, try 80%; If 80% is good enough, try 70%. Find your "Safe Operation Level" and use your 100% when you know you have to.
And yeah, Christmas musics are nice and all, but it does do the opposite when we feel down....I wonder if Hanukkah or Kwanzaa music would do the same thing. : P
Your job sounds like a really negative environment, and being the primary care-giver for your father means there's no relief whenever you get away from the office.
I don't have anything useful to say here except that I do think about you lately, and I hope you're able to find some time and space, even if it's the blackspace between your thoughts, to breathe and remember that life is more worth living when we're happy. Positivity can lead to happiness, but the road is surprisingly difficult.
Sounds as if you have stressors from multiple sources. What usually works for you to help ease your stress?? Sounds as if humor is one?? Go online and find humorous stories or cartoons...or write some for yourself. Watch a funny movie..Watch Blazing Saddles or Hitch or another funny movie.. You could even rent them free from a library...
Take a break at work.. Get away if only for 15 minutes... take a walk for those 15 minutes.. Our bodies were made to move and it helps decrease the stress hormones.
Think of taking another job?? Job market is improving out there. 24/7 work makes for too much stress, in my view.. but maybe you enjoy it?????????
If you are working at 8 pm, is there any way you can have your own personal time for several hours earlier in the day... A BREAK from your stressors will help return you to your job refreshed and better able to cope.
Get out among people.. Help yourself feel better by purposefully doing good things for others... Boomerang effect.
Sorry to hear about your dad. I, too, had to watch my dad with a terminal illness 4 years ago...never easy. Do you have support? faith? family? friends? Let them help you..
Thinking of you.. Are you getting good sleep?? I have some sleep suggestions, if you aren't .
Take care!! I guess I sorta rambled..
Christy
@XtremePsionic - thanks Lucas, appreciate your support and the comforting words.
@BenelliMan - lol Dennis, the lotto would make things a lot easier and ease some of the pressures. I'm not sure if it'll make me totally happy.
@vanishx3 - life indeed does go on. I'll have to figure out better ways of dealing with this.
@Toro69 - thanks Fred, I always appreciate you offering a shoulder to lean on.
@Fatcat723 - I'll have to look very deep inside. I think the season also compounding this problem. Thanks for the advice Rob.
@christao408 - thanks Chris, I'm sure you can appreciate the stress & churn that happens when a company isn't making their financial targets. I know some people got out to save their mental health. Sometimes when we are facing challenges, it's hard to see the opportunities that lurk beneath the surface.
@sassyjessie - it doesn't prevent it but it does help restore rhythm back to normal. Lie flat on the floor with your knees elevated. Take a deep breath, hold it and push hard as if you're having a bowel movement (those were his words). You may have to do this a couple of times. It's called "vagal maneuver". It works for supraventricular tachycardia. I don't know if it works for other types of irregular heart beat. You should check with your doctor.
@CurryPuffy - I'll stay strong - thanks for the support Gary. It's great to have friends (like you and many others here).
@oxyGENE_08 - oh no Gene, I hope my mood is not contagious. I saw your pulse on Nasdaq taking over your business unit. I hope things will work out and there will be more opportunities for you.
@KevEats - thank you Kevin, I appreciate the support.
@eshunt@revelife - I'll remind myself to check out the video, thanks for dropping in.
@Senlin - hello (I can't use your real name) -- it's always good to hear from you and that in itself is a spark of brightness.
@f5ye_angel5 - we haven't had a big snow day here yet.... but it'll come for sure.
@TutelageOfTheMundane - I did sleep better after I wrote this. I guess I had to get it out of my system.
@ZSA_MD - unfortunately my manager and I don't see eye to eye on a lot of things. He works a lot of long hours too. Everyone on my team has been working long hours including weekends lately. Thank you for keeping my dad and me in your prayers. I love that saying as well. I'll have to remember it. p.s. thanks for the rec too.
@manmantong2000 - hey Felix... thanks for the advice on pacing myself. It's the end of the year so in my business everyone is pushing to get deals signed. It's really crazy.
@secade - actually I'm not the primary caregiver, my dad lives with my sister. The work is causing a lot of stress because of the long hours. It's the end of the year so the execs are pushing hard to get a lot of things done to make our targets. I like what you wrote - "life is more worth living when we're happy". Thanks for being here Colin.
@greatredwoman - Thanks for all those tips and advice, I did watch a cartoon when I took a break today and it felt good.
BIG hugs, matt. these things creep into our lives once in a while. and it is no fun, especially when positivity is what one needs the most. i hope your work condition gets better so that you'll get some free time for yourself. i know you've been doing a splendid job taking care of your dad and i'm sure your mum is smiling down, grateful for everything that you have done. you truly are a better son, employee, and person than i could hoped to be. you don't have to like those christmas songs. but know this, your dad might be listening to the same songs and thinks how lucky he is to have you in his life.
@ElusiveWords - Thanks. I'm optimistic about the changes. Anyway, don't worry it's not contagious. hehe
@rudyhou - thanks Rudy. I'm not sure if work will improve. I think it'll be like this for the next quarter. I hope my mom approves - I always worry that I'll let them down. Btw - I doubt if I'm a better son, employee or person than you are. The only music my dad likes is classical. I haven't heard Xmas songs in the house for years. btw - I really enjoyed your last entry about your meal in Kyoto, it was a very welcomed distraction.
The support you have in the comments section is touching. Your life sounds so, so hectic. I hope you have some sort of break from work, soon.
@stepaside_loser - I'm very touched and very grateful for the friendships here. I actually worked most of the day today and will need to squeeze in a couple of hours tomorrow. It's not ideal at all but right now, I don't have a lot of choices. I hope you're doing well Andrew and maybe you'll find another avenue to blog again.
Powerful and true advise from that guru. Staying positive will only help but it's hard to see why you've been stressed and depressed. Hang in there bud. *hugs*
@brooklyn2028 - Sheldon - it's always good to hear from you and thanks for the support. I felt better after I wrote this entry and while work still sucks, my outlook is a bit more positive.
@ElusiveWords - i'm glad my blog able to give some sort of positive escape for you.