Thank you all for your support, advice, prayers, hugs, encouragement and prayers. It is touching and deeply appreciated.
Dad is slowly recovering from his latest ailment. The antibiotics is working and he is struggling with the side effects. He was pretty good last night until the new meds kicked in. This morning, he looked a lot worse and so I was checking on him frequently. There’s always someone with him 7/24. At least one of us will get groceries and supplies, someone will cook and everyone helps with all the rest of the chores. But we know we can’t do this forever.
I don’t have any problems going to sleep at night anymore. While caring for him isn’t physically tiring, it is mentally stressful. I feel so drained when I hit the bed that I immediately fall asleep.
It was a bit of a struggle watching my dad during his annual checkup. He simply tells the doctor nothing is wrong, he is healthy as a horse. All the complaints he would tell me about bone pains and maladies are now gone. It’s as if he thinks the doctor is an auditor. “If he doesn’t ask, I won’t tell. The less he knows the better I’ll be.” So I’ll toss in a few reminders here and there. I ask the doctor about memory lapses. My dad insist his mind is still sharp. The doctor asks who does the banking. I say I do now. Dad would say I only handle the petty cash… anything below $10.
So the entire physical was like that. A three way dance between facts, fiction and forgotten truths. It was like watching a witness expertly handle an attorney at a trial. When we left the doctor’s office, my dad thought the doctor wasn’t thorough enough. I almost ripped my hair out when I heard that.
I think if you’re seeing a doctor – it’s got to be full disclosure no matter how embarrassing it may seem to you. I think a patient needs to help paint his own health picture, tell it as vividly and fully as possible to help the doctor. If you have pain urinating, how long will you suffer before seeing a doctor because it can be embarrassing? If you notice blood in your stool (when you wipe or when you flush), will you tell the doctor or hope it wasn’t anything serious? Are you able to describe your symptoms? If it’s pain – is it a dull achy pain or a sharp pain? When did it happen (oh, I don’t know… a week, maybe months ago?), is it a recurring pain or a steady pain? (gee doc… I never really noticed). If I was a doctor, I’d let the patient experience some pain immediately
Doctors are probably trained to properly interview their patients and draw all the facts out. They probably need to take into account cultural, age and all those things that can influence the answer. I just think patients also have a responsibility to help their doctor by providing clear and factual answers.
Years ago, my uncle from Hong Kong was visiting and he wanted me to drive him to a Chinese retirement home. We had distant relative there in a special ward. I didn’t know this relative that well although I’ve met his son a few times. The father was suffering from Alzheimer’s disease. We were told he would walk out of the house in the middle of the night to meet up with his friends for dimsum. Some of those friends are in Hong Kong. He also would suddenly not recognize family members. It caused a lot of stress for the family and they realized they couldn’t take care of him anymore.
They made the difficult decision to move him to the retirement home where he could be taken care off and monitored. When my uncle and I got to the retirement home, we were told which floor to go to. We were also given instructions to wait for an attendant to let us into the floor. Once we got to the floor, I noticed the special combination locks on the doors. There were signs everywhere to alert visitors not to let the patients out. As we walked towards the main nurses station, an elderly woman called out to me.
She said to me in Chinese “You’re finally here to visit me.” She smiled and slowly came over to talk to me. I wasn’t sure what to do so I just smiled. She then stated to call me her son and kept on talking. An attendant noticed this and slowly guided her away. But she kept telling the attendant “but that is my son!” It was sad to watch all of this unfold in front of me.
As I was having dinner with my dad today, I couldn’t help but remember that scene. While my dad’s memory and faculty are still decent (well, not bad for someone his age). He is getting forgetful a lot now and his gait is somewhat unsteady at times. I’m just not ready to handle moving him to a home yet.
Whenever I chat with my dad, I pay close attention to his memory and mental alertness. His memory loss continues to be gradual but noticeable. He’ll forget relatives and how they are related to him. When I correct him on any facts, I try to balance leaving his dignity intact and getting the facts right. If it’s not relevant to the conversation, I just let it go. If he ask me who a certain person is, I just say the name and how they are related and don’t make a big deal out of it. I wished my sister would do the same thing.
The other day, I sit down beside him on the couch. I glance at the book in his hands and ask him what he’s reading. “It’s by Simon Winchester. Are you familiar with him?” I shake my head. He tells me a bit about the author and gestures to a pile of books on the table beside me. I reach over and there are a couple of more books by the same author. I read some of the background information about the author on the jacket. To my surprise and relief, it matches what my dad said.
He pulls up another book from a pile beside the couch. “The Winchester book is light reading but I really want to read this biography of Gandhi.” He’s always been around books. I glance down at the pile of books beside him. They are neatly stacked and patiently waiting for him. I barely get a chance to do serious reading nowadays.
As if on cue, he points to the piles of magazines on top of the coffee table. “Do you read the Beijing Review? No? Hmm… How about Foreign Affairs?”. I continue to shake my head. I see The Economist, Fortune, National Geographic, New Yorker and the NY Times. I tell him I get most of my news online but still try to read up on the 2 local papers. He nods although I sense a bit of disappointment. He then laments about the decline of magazines such as the Atlantic and even the NY Times. But he saves his tirade for the TV news. “You should watch the BBC News instead.” We both agree that CNN has lost its magic and integrity.
I am sure he can sense my concerns about him and he puts up a brave front. He’s already told me he knows his memory is declining. But he’s fighting it in his own way. People complain my dad is stubborn. I’m glad he is stubborn and refuses to let senility walk all over him. I know age will eventually take its course. But for now, I hope he continues to wage this noble war.
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