It’s been many years since I saw dad on lying on a hospital bed.  This time it was for a routine surgery.  The doctors say they do this so often that it has become routine.   He was very impatient waiting for his operation.  I don’t think he slept that much and was grumpy throughout the morning.  I guess when you aren’t allowed to eat or drink, you’re allowed to be grumpy.  My brother kept wandering off to find a good signal for his smartphone.  My sister went off to look for coffee.  I didn’t mind being alone with dad even though he was asleep.  After a few hours of waiting, they finally wheeled him off for the surgery.  I didn’t say goodbye because it was routine.  We told him we would be waiting for him in the recovery room. 

We went back downstairs to grab a bite to eat and waited.  I chatted with my brother for a bit while my sister ran off to get some groceries.  I’m not particularly close to my siblings.  I think I had an awkward hug with my brother once although we do kid with each other a lot.  The last time I hugged my sis was when mom passed away.  My brother and I had a good chat about his career, his financial situation and caught up with each other.  After sis came back we continued to chat about this and that – nothing serious.  I knew we were all thinking the same thing about dad but none of us wanted to talk about it. 

After downing more coffees we went back upstairs to the waiting room.  There were a couple of folks there.  The only sound was from the TV.  No one smiled or spoke to each other.  I guess we were all lost in our own worlds.  After another hour, they wheeled dad into his room.  It has 4 beds.  One of the beds was unmade and a tray of food had been nibbled on.  They had given him a sedative and a local.  But he was groggy.  I was surprised at how gaunt he looked.  The bandages, the IV and other monitoring stuff that were on him made him looked so frail.  After a few minutes, he declared that he was hungry.  We took at look at his tray of hospital food.  There was some water, a sandwich and a wilted salad.  My sister decided to get some food from the food court downstairs.  I let him have a sip of water which he vomited.

It took another 5 hours of resting before he was able to leave.  We helped him change and eased him into the wheelchair.  My brother and sister took him home while I went home.  For the remainder of the week, I spent my days at his place helping with some chores and making sure he was ok.  He did have a nasty rash which the doctors diagnosed as a delayed allergic reaction to one of the medication. When I drove him back for a check up, he was a bit despondent.  “Why do all these things happen to me now when I’m old?”  I didn’t know how to answer.  We drove by High Park.  It’s always on our way but this time he said “Your mom and I used to go to this park a lot.  We had a lot of good walks here.”  They would walk for an hour or two.  It was one of their many routines.  

I used to be able to compartmentalize my thoughts and feelings.  But not anymore.  It’s not easy when I work or if I’m having fun.  Inevitably my mind will drift and think of my dad and what else I should be doing for him.  My mind is not at peaceful place to be in right now.  But I know for that to happen, my dad will have to be with my mom. 

Does anyone know where I can find some objective information about this group?  I’ve only run across them a couple of times.  But my dad is now making serious friends with one of the guys there.  I just don’t have a good feeling about this.  But I have nothing to base it on aside from my biased and largely negative views of this group. 

It’s difficult and heart breaking to watch the relationship between my sis and my dad deteriorate.  They can’t be in the same room without something triggering an argument.  My dad told me he feels like a burden and maybe it’s time for him to move on.  I know dad will say stupid things from time to time because he can’t help it anymore.  But my sister takes them very personally.  A simple remark (e.g. the chicken was a bit salty) about the food she brought home (takeout) is perceived as he doesn’t appreciate her bringing food home (e.g. this is the thanks I get for bringing food home!). He doesn’t help his own case.  Sometimes he walks without his cane or walker which increases his risk of falling.  This then starts another round of argument. I know she hates being his primary care giver and views him as a burden.

Both are incredibly stubborn in their own ways.  My mom told me once that the “stubborn” gene is in my dad’s side of the family.  I once told her both my sister and brother must have that gene but skipped past me.  She just chuckled.

I don’t have a close relationship w/ my sister and watching her treat him like this makes me angry.  I’ve had to walk out a couple of times to control my own temper.  There are old issues and old wounds that have never healed and are now resurfacing.  I don’t know how to intervene anymore but I can’t give up.  I am pretty sure my dad will go to his grave without this relationship ever repaired and healed.  

It’s been a tough two days looking after dad.   He picked up a pretty bad infection in his foot.  He says the pain is unbearable and he can’t walk.  It’s been tough on my sister who bears the primary burden of home care.  I help him get dressed and with washroom duties.  He’s got other health problems as well.  A recent change in medication has ruined his appetite and made him nauseous.  He can only eat a couple spoons of food before calling it quits. 

At his age, his body is beginning to fail him.  Incontinence is just awful both physically and mentally.  I was hesitant to write about this.  It’s humiliating for him.  But each of us will deal with it so be warned.   I worry about his mental state.  He doesn’t want to be put in any type of a retirement home or facility.  So he keeps pretending that all is well and doesn’t tell us anything until it’s too late. 

So for the next few weeks, we will deal with things like home care assistance, special walking carts, frames for toilet… and stuff like that.  The other week at the hospital I picked up brochures about Power of Attorney, palliative care, living will and stuff like that. 

Death – I can hear your faint footsteps coming again.  But for now, he’s still in our hands. 

I had dinner with dad and as we were driving, he told me that my brother took him to see a new doctor.  I was trying to figure out what new doctor he was talking about.  We have a list of all his appointments and either I take him or my brother takes him.  I thought it might be his eye doctor as those appointments keep changing.  He said no.  I tossed out a few more names but he said he didn’t remember this doctor’s name.  It was a new one.  I listened as he described the visit and soon realized it was an appointment my brother and I took him to a few days ago.

It was a bit surprising and I tried not to look shocked or upset.  I just casually repeated a few things his doctor found.  I didn’t tell him I was there as well.  I was hoping he would slowly realize it.  On the way there, we passed by the airport.  It was just like old times.  He used to point out planes taking off or landing.  This time, I was the one pointing them out.  He keeps looking out for that new Airbus A380. 

At the restaurant, his appetite was remarkably healthy.  The only time he paused was to look at other elderly customers.   The elderly lady hunched over a walker slowly walked by.  Sometimes he would look at them as they eat.  I sometimes wonder what is on his mind. 

Once we got home, I put the leftovers in the fridge.  I go through his mail and pick out the bills to be paid.  As I head out the door, he gives me a tap on the shoulder and smile.  I return the gesture. 
I wish time would slow down.