March 22, 2010
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Sunday dinners
Sundays have become a sacred ritual for me. It's my weekly dinner with dad. A lot of times he'll be sitting by the living room window waiting for me. As he gets ready to leave, I make sure he takes his cane along. He hates the cane. But some days he'll just slip out the door and "forgot" about it. Of course I'll bring it along and he'll grumble a bit. I always walk beside him now. He knows our roles have reversed. He's already told me he doesn't want to be a burden. But I just go "Oh dad... don't be silly." As he gets into my car, I always put my hand over his head so he doesn't hit the roof of the car when he gets in.
He kills me sometimes when he times how long it takes to get to the restaurant and back. Out of the corner of my eye, I'll notice him just moving his sleeve to check his watch.
"That was at least a minute faster than before."
"Well uhm, there wasn't a lot of traffic."When I get to the highway, there's always a section where I have to merge from the collectors to the main highway. Sometimes I have to really floor it to get to the main highway.
"I'm not that hungry Matt."
"Oh I'm not going that fast, the engine runs kinda loud on this car and revs a lot higher than your car."
I try not to remind him that he used to get speeding tickets.As we drive, I'll start my usual questions to see how he's doing and see if he's in a talkative mood.
By the time we get to the restaurant, I usually have a good feel for how he's doing. When we order, I usually ask what he wants. He'll usually reply - "Oh, I like what you always order." But I gotten used to this. So I'll hesitate a bit, scratch my head, wince at the menu and he'll make a suggestion (which is really what he wants to order).During yesterday's meal, I told him his brother sent a CD with some family stories. One of them was how they grew up during the war. He started to look away and there was silence. I could tell that time has not dulled those memories yet.
"I don't know how we survived. We were all so young. My father was beaten and thrown in prison. We just did what we had to." He looked back at me and stopped talking. I decided not to hold off on some questions I had.The food quickly came. I always make sure they were all within his reach. As usual, we have the dance of the serving spoon. After I get my food, I always position the serving spoon (or fork) closer to him. When he gets his food, he moves the serving spoon closer to me. This goes on for the entire dinner. If there is a plate that's too far, I'll get the food for him. i've learned to ask if he would like this and how much. It still gives him a sense of control.
You just have to put yourself in their shoes. Do you want someone just putting food on your bowl all the time?
I remember a few weeks ago, there was a young man and an elderly woman having dinner at the next table. She looked like the typical Chinese grandmother. Her hair was nicely done, clothes were neat and she had jade earrings and jade wrist band (is that what they are called?). I caught my dad watching them several times during dinner. He would look at me, sort of look back at them and smiled. I nodded my head. I thought it was one of those heart touching scenes. But later on, I noticed when the bill came, she was paying for it while the young guy just sat there. Oh man... that didn't seem right. Maybe that was the arrangement they made. Maybe it was her treat. But I wished the guy would have at least put up a bit of a fight when the bill came. I always pay for dinner.
This has become our ritual every weekend. There are days when I want some time to myself or I want a break. But then I remember what it was like for me when I was a kid. He worked a couple of jobs and Sunday afternoons and evenings was the only time he was free. I've always looked forward to Sundays. I'm sure there were many Sundays when he just wanted to do nothing. But he always took us out to the park, or to bowling or some other place and then dinner. How can I just take a break? There aren't a lot of Sundays left.
After I drop him off at home, I'll go in and chat for a bit before leaving. He'll see me off and stand by the door. As I drive off, he'll give me a wave. When I was younger, I was the one standing by the door whenever my parents went out. I would also give a wave.
I don't think I'll ever get use to this role reversal.
Comments (84)
awe Matt. This so touched my heart. I want to hug you and your father. You are amazing and so sweet.
Mattie, you cannot see me crying. I just want to hold you and love you for the compassion you have for your dad and the way you take care of him. God love you always for this generosity of spirit.
I have a knot of tears in my throat as big as a brick.
You can really see the way your dad cares for you in the subtle things he says. As the others have said, this was (is) a really touching entry.
Seeing one's father or mother age is not easy. It's good your father still wants to have dinner outside and not just cocoon at home. The more time passes the more these shared times are important. Stay strong. Hugs.
@macphoto - thank you, but what I do for him is so little compared to what he's done for me.
@ZSA_MD - don't cry. Honestly, what I do is very small in comparison to what he's done for me.
@Senlin - thank you - appreciate the compliment.
@TheLatinObserver - yeah, I writing these down so I don't forget. This is really the only journal that I have. Thanks for the hugs.
@ElusiveWords - I understand that. I just love your relationship with him. And how caring you are with him, and he with you.
That's a very sweet ritual you have with your father. Inspires me to start one with my family in the near future.
@ElusiveWords - I know that, but how many kids are as attentive to their parents as you are to your father? AND with so mush love!!
that's really, really sweet. what a touching story. and you have a way of writing things. makes me think of holden caulfield.
Glad you have a nice Sunday ritual with your dad. I know he appreciates, enjoys and look forward every week! Elderly parents always do not want to be a burden. My mom lives in Hong Kong, and I live in the US. I see her maybe one week or at the most two weeks a year. I feel kind of quilty when reading your blog. I do try to call her on the phone once a week, and it is not the same as seeing face-to-face especially she is hard of hearing. I need to find time to see her more often before it is too late.
What a touching entry! These times are special with our aging parents, arent' they? I go over to my Mom's every Thursday and Sunday and help her with the little things she can no longer do. But its those times we have special talks and reminisce with no interruptions. Sometimes we laugh, sometimes we cry, sometimes we just sit side by side and read. Any way is so good. You are a special person Matt to devote this time to your dad.
That's super sweet of you. Most people grow up and forget about the elderly. I don't think my dad and I could ever have that relationship. I'd love to have that with my mom, but she's no longer living. My dad and I have never really gotten along much. We tolerate each other well--basically, don't ask, don't tell--but neither of us really likes the other too much. It's a known fact. I'm glad you are able to have such rituals with your father. Best of luck.
That's quite a heart-felt entry, Matt. When I was growing up in Hong Kong, Sunday was also the day of the week we had dinner with grandparents. Even though I'm thousands of miles apart from my parents now, I still try to call them at least once a week. Just to make sure they are alright. ^0^
@stevew918 - I'm sure mom will be very happy hearing your voice too! ^0^
You are taking good care of your dad -- it's hard, and can go on forever, but it's worth it in the end. My elderly mother has lost interest in most things, and her angry, frustrated, mean streak has come to the forefront, making it difficult for me to be with her in Santa Barbara. Keep up the good, loving relationship. Too those wartime memories are odd -- many men never spoke of their experience at all, while others never stopped. The silence seems very natural to me -- I think the only thing I ever heard about the war from my dad was that he once saw sound waves in the clouds from the battle noises far away!
It's beautiful to have a good relationship with your dad. Be happy with what you have with him
It can be a rare thing.
It's Thursday's for me, and I know what you mean. Hang in there!
There's not much I can add to what has already been said above, except I'm glad you had the kind of relationship with your dad when you were younger that has enabled you to do what you are doing for him now.
You are so thoughtful in everything you do, Matt. From remembering the cane to asking your father what he would like in order to give him a sense of control, you continue to be so thoughtful.
Good son you are for sure. I think the idea of putting yourself in his shoes is a great why to look at it. Us older people like to feel we are in control - whether we are not. Thanks for doing that for your Dad. I love this entries!
Jade bracelet?
Very thoughtful and nice son.
aww... that tugs at the heart. i'll bet your dad really looks forward to those sunday dinners with you!
Big hugs to you, Matt. I know it has to be hard for you to deal with this role reversal but I am absolutely sure that your dad appreciates it.
Sometimes I feel like I am going through choreographed dance when I know all this work can be avoided if we just jumped to the conclusion and get the same results. However, I know it's necessary to do all that extra step, however tedious it may seem, that both sides would have good feeling out of it or one/both sides gets to feel respected.
I don't know if I came up to that thought on my own or you put that thought you my head until I have read the sentence, "You just have to put yourself in their shoes. Do you want someone just
putting food on your bowl all the time?". Oh, Matt, How devious of you. It was you who was nudging my thoughts in that direction, after all.
this is a very sweet post...I can't help but feel a bit envy. ok, not just a bit...
I really can relate to this very moving story! I am going through a very similar thing with my mother, and it can be very heartwrenching. She is about where your dad is, only maybe a little better off (no cane) but she is almost 80.
I love the little details in your story, like how he orders what you want and then he orders what he really wants. I love how you know all the patterns. BEAUTIFULLY written, thank you!
beautifully written. It bought tears to my eyes. My own father deid when I was almost 7. Thankfully my mom is alive and kicking and very healthy. I am dreading the day the roles reverse. You're a beautiful writer and I loved this. {{hugs}}
hohohoho nice one!! well unless you have a kids if not... yeah i think you dad wish the sunday come faster after waving you off....
ok i wont fight with you when the bill come after we have the dinner... lol j/k...
That is the sweetest thing I have read in a very long time.
Most kids don't care about their parents anymore, but you obviously do.
Matt, congradulations, your blog is featured.
@CurryPuffy - I know your parents also enjoy hearing from you. You are a great son, Gary.
This entry is so touching :') Tears were streaming down my face. Beautifully written! It's good to see that people looks after their parents or the elderly.
*tears in my eyes*
You are such a good son!
I hope you and your Dad have many more special days together Matt.
That's great
Great Story!
you did the right thing, matt. i would hate it if someone just dumps food on my plate without me asking. everyone has his/her own style of eating, so everyone has the right to choose HOW they eat. it only makes the food taste better when you get to eat it your way.
You are a great son, Matt, and it shows very well how your father appreciates you. That role reversal gave the both of you the chance to know how the other felt in days gone by. This was really a heartfelt post. Congratulations on it getting featured.
Wow, thanks for sharing the incredible bond you and your father have. I think it's great that you are keeping this tradition with him, and all the little things you are doing to keep him feeling his best. I know that sometimes younger people can forget that older adults have their dignity and pride, no matter what the age and circumstances. I wish you and your father many more Sunday dinners and memories.
@Roadlesstaken - thanks Alex. It started with weekly Sunday night dinner and I pretty well continued it after my mom passed away. Thank you for the rec as well.
@snapeful - thank you - I appreciate the compliment.
@stevew918 - Steve, I'm sure she appreciates all the things you do for her even though you're so far away. I always am reminded about you and Gary when I write about my dad. I know the 2 of you always want to spend more time with them. My dad's hearing is not so good as well. Sometimes he can't hear the phone ringing (and he refuses to get a hearing aid). Thanks for the rec. I was not expecting so many comments and am flattered that it's on the featured page.
@heart_beep - I think it's great that you're able to spend quality time with your mom. These are so special especially in this hectic world that we live in.
@tinatran80 - I was closer to my mom when we were growing up. My relationship with him has changed over the past few years after my mom passed away. I hope over time your dad's view towards you will mellow. Thank you for the comment.
@CurryPuffy - thanks Gary, I always think about your situation (and Steve's too) whenever I write about my dad. I know it's not easy for you and your brother. I'm sure they appreciate your regular phone calls.
@slmret - thank you - appreciate your comment. I'm sorry that your mom is like that now. My dad can get like that sometimes, he's frustrated at a lot of things he can't do now. You're great to be there for your mom through all of this.
@secade - thanks Colin - I am happy and grateful. I know it's not going to last forever. I remember what you wrote about your own situation too.
@CareyGLY - yes, I remember what you do on Thursdays
You stay strong too Carey.
@Chatamanda - well, my relationship with my dad now is very different than when I was younger. He was sort of distant and I was closer to my mom. It's changed over time and eventually evolved into this.
@christao408 - thanks Chris, I don't think I do anything different than what you and many others would do if you were in the same shoes. I just wish I could do more for him.
@Fatcat723 - I think a lot of folks don't understand the challenges elderly people go through. If a door is not easy to open (say in a mall), it's tough for someone with arthritic hands to pull on it harder. If they have to push harder, the sense of balance can sometimes play tricks. Thank goodness now for those places with the handicapped doors (the button). I think the loss of dignity is probably more painful than most people would imagine as well. Thanks for your comment Rob - I always appreciate them.
@yang1815 - thanks Andy... just trying to make his life a bit easier.
@kunhuo42 - he does Aaron and no matter how busy I am, I feel good afterwards.
@TheCheshireGrins - big hugs back... thank you for the rec.
@Wangium - hey Jason, thanks for the comment. Me devious? hee hee... sometimes but usually unintentionally. *devious grin*
@Trigger821 - thank you, appreciate the compliment.
@And_I_love - thank you, I'm sure you appreciate the challenges and the rewards. I appreciate the compliment and the rec.
@Demolitiongurl88 - hugs back and thank you for your kind word. In the meantime, just have fun with your mom.
@lcfu - yeah Fufu, it's a nice ritual for us. I won't fight you for the bill too. It just might stay in the middle of the table until the waiter yells at us.
@ImperialDoctrinesOfTheNewWorld - well, he's done so much for us and what I do with my dinner seems to be so small of a payback. Thank you for dropping by and for the comment.
@Got_Takoyaki - *hands kleenex* I've been to an old folks home once, there were so many lonely folks there. Thanks for the compliment and the rec.
@ZenPaper - Evan - I understand... *HUGS*
@agmhkg - thank you, he's been a wonderful father to me.
@dikdoktor - I hope so too. Thanks for popping by and for the rec.
@thinkwinkpink - thank you.
@maninamonono - thank you for the rec.
@rudyhou - sometimes it's these small things that make a big difference. I hope things are going well with you.
@zionlover - thank you for the compliment. This role reversal is not easy but there are a lot of insights I'm gaining. I was not expecting so many comments or becoming featured.
@LADYLILYTHAO - thank you for the wonderful comment and for dropping by. I hope I have many more Sunday dinners with him as well.
man i wish i was you. taking care of mom and pops sounds nice. but i'm not in that place and time in my life just yet. i applaud your sentimentalism.
You are so right that there isn't a lot of time, you just never know and you are making the best of it, family time isn't like any other time. I lost my mother in August and my niece last week.
I used to the same with my dad. We would hang out every sunday as well. Usually breakfast at McDonalds then a walk around the mall. We did this for years. Probably all my childhood and teenage life. But things don't always last forever, as you might be aware. Keep those dinners, make them last, make them mean something. I'm sure your dad appreciates every single Sunday.
@ElusiveWords - BTW I'm starting to feel like that a little bit with my dad recently.
We are kindred spirits: my 84-1/2 year-old father and I purchased a home together last year so that we can live together and I can take care of him. I concur that it is a sobering reversal of roles. There is a debt of love we owe our elderly parents that we can never fully repay. All we can do is requite them the best we can while investing sacrificially for the next generation as was done for us. "Honour thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long in the land..." (Exodus 20:12) Thank you for sharing your reflections with us: you have touched many a heart and likely inspired others to do as you have done.
It's a very good post!! I have never had a father ..and that's good
that you appreciate those relationships between you& your dad!!
Dont stop to love each other..
How touching. It makes me want to cry. Reminds me of my grandfather.
Great story on filial piety coming from a different culture. You are doing much better than the Asian younger generation. Keep it up!
@Trigger821 -
something seems sweet
@tahreesah - thank you, appreciate the compliment.
@SavonDuJour - I'm sorry for your loss. It can be difficult to appreciate the value of time until one has gone through a death in the family or other life changing experiences. I hope you're doing ok. Thank you for dropping by.
@NoHeroesForTomorrow - we both appreciate the time together. I like what you and your dad have done in spending time together. I think those memories will stay with you forever. Thanks for the rec.
@yang1815 - I hope he's in good health.
@FiddlerFaddler - you've also touched my heart with your love for your dad. Wow.... that's amazing. I hope you're able to cope and manage as it can't be easy. Thank you for your comment.
@Madika - thank you for the compliment. I never expected all of this feedback.
@Regikiu - I guess this entry has tugged a lot of hearts. I appreciate you dropping and for your comment.
@FatDadReflexion - well, I do a lot less than some other folks. I know it must be a huge amount of work (see one of my commenters above) who look after their parent(s) full time. I appreciate the compliment - thank you.
I grew up with the whole family dinner thing so I'm quite glad that we're losing it now... it's amusing when my parents go off to watch NCIS though rather than sit around the dinner table, and I'm the only one still at the table actually haha... but good son, you are.
@Cliffycliffz - I think after some time, we get to appreciate the time spent together. It's kinda funny that you're still at the table instead of watching NCIS. Thanks for the comment and for the rec - take care.
enjoy them whie you can!
@ElusiveWords - Yeah he is but the memory thing is starting...
That's really sweet and good for you! I think it's awful how elders don't get nearly as much respect a they should. Most kids don't realize that a grandparent with wise words can teach you much more important things than a lifetime of school.
@Tallman - I will, thank you for the comment.
@shesLEAVING - thank you, I appreciate that.
What can I say, sweet as ever. The part at the end where you talk about your dad standing by the door waiting you to drive off sounds like my grandfather. I have Friday dinners at his house and he always make sure I pull away from the driveway safely before the closes the door.
i think it's called a jade bangle? =)
anyway that was sweet!
I really commend your devotion to your father. I know of others who just committed their parents to the home for the aged. I salute you. May your kind be multiplied many fold.
[:
Very sweet. It's hard, even to think about, this role reversal that eventually occurs.
@brooklyn2028 - aww... that's great of your grandfather to do that. I hope you continue to enjoy those Friday night dinners with him.
@purple_raindrop - thanks, appreciate the compliment.
@Norcani - what I do for him seems to be so little compared to what he's done for me. I think it's a taste of what he must have gone through when he was looking after me. Thank you for your kind words.
@brokenheartmachine - thanks for dropping by.
@XbabyK - there really isn't any training for it... I just sort of go with the flow.
seeing the roles reverse from both sides now as my folks near the end of the trail and my kids and I get older. some of the reversal with the kids is to prepare them for later ...... with my folks, especially my dad, it is a bit heartbreaking and a little scary.......
enjoy it while yu can, my dad is over six feet tall and falls a lot now...i can't take him out as often as i'd like...oh, and don't judge the person who lets the parent pay...mine always wanted to and would have felt diminished if i had started to pay...it was one of the few things he could still do for me....
I love this story!
Hang in there and keep loving your dad. You are doing the right thing and being an AWESOME son. It is very hard to go through the role reversal. I am going through it with my mom as well. You are in my prayers.
My family has developed a similar ritual for my grandfather too. I worry about him sometimes though because the language barrier makes it hard for us grandchildren to communicate with him.
Matt, our hearts are cut from the same cloth.
I admire you greatly for following the rituals of Sundays with
your father. He's a lucky man to have such a son.
*~matthew~*
That's cool. I get together with my Dad every Wednesday night. He makes me dinner and we watch my DVD's of "The Office" together before he goes to work (he works night shift). He calls it his "Weekly laugh".
I really respect you for the care you try to show to your father. I'm actually really concerned that me dad will be like that too, the timing thing and all that. I don't think my dad's the type to come to terms with his age.
My parents used to tell me how when people get really old, they become like children again. I guess that's kind of true.
You will never regret spending this time with your dad, I guarantee it!
I so wish I would have spent more time with my mom while she was alive but now it's too late.
Your dad is lucky to have you, friend [and as well - you're lucky to have him!]
@Alive_in_Vegas - I hope you'll continue to be strong and fine a way to cope with this. It can't be easy and I hope you don't burn out.
@tialoca_talks - I certainly will enjoy these moments. They are special. I hope you'll find ways to enjoy the time with your dad too. Thanks for the different perspective - that makes sense. I can see myself doing that too.
@Laniecho - thank you.
@kizzmeistah - I wish you well with your mom. Thank you for the prayers.
@boleosamplingeffect - I think that's a wonderful ritual you have. Perhaps you can find some time to learn a bit about his language. I'm sure that will make him smile.
@bleuzeus - I admire him a lot. Thanks for the compliment Matthew.
@JimmyBuffettDied - that's a great way to spend time together. Eating and laughing - those make wonderful memories.
@AzureRecollections - thank you for your kind words. My parents used to tell me the same thing too and they are right.
@Jennelle - thank you for your comment. I do feel very fortunate right now. My relationship with him now is a lot different than before.
i visit my dad everyday and we laugh over things he's forgotten, i tell him stories of what brats he had for children and he sits there and howls...and i bring food in to him..he ain't missin' much....
nice story
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This made me miss Sunday dinners at my grams. She still has them, every Sunday, but I've gotten too wrapped up in my own life to go anymore. This post reminded me that I need to change that.
I love these posts you make about you and your father. They're my favorites of the ones you post. I can see this beginning with my own father; and that maybe in some years, we'll be like you and yours.
I don't have many words to say, other than I'm touched. You are a good son. Men should look to you and see your example.
@ilenaholder - thank you, appreciate the compliment.
@organicallythin - I'm sure she'll appreciate it very much.
@arenadi - Mike, I'm touched by your words. Thank you.
@tialoca_talks - Oh, I love what you do every day! That is awesome. I love the part about the "brats he had for children" - hahaha.
"He kills me sometimes when he times how long it takes to get to the restaurant and back."
That's really Catcher in the Rye type writing. Plus it's also similar because it's the definition of show-not-tell writing. Great post, just feel that you capture your emotion so well. I don't usually empathize with writing that is supposed to be touching, either.
@bolt99 - thank you for the compliment - much appreciated. I'm wondering if you have a background in writing?
@ElusiveWords - English minor. Looking your post over again... good ending. It's interesting that despite using short sentences exclusively, you're able to end with one but still set it off by giving it it's own paragraph.
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