March 31, 2011
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Troubled lives
It's difficult and heart breaking to watch the relationship between my sis and my dad deteriorate. They can't be in the same room without something triggering an argument. My dad told me he feels like a burden and maybe it's time for him to move on. I know dad will say stupid things from time to time because he can't help it anymore. But my sister takes them very personally. A simple remark (e.g. the chicken was a bit salty) about the food she brought home (takeout) is perceived as he doesn't appreciate her bringing food home (e.g. this is the thanks I get for bringing food home!). He doesn't help his own case. Sometimes he walks without his cane or walker which increases his risk of falling. This then starts another round of argument. I know she hates being his primary care giver and views him as a burden.
Both are incredibly stubborn in their own ways. My mom told me once that the "stubborn" gene is in my dad's side of the family. I once told her both my sister and brother must have that gene but skipped past me. She just chuckled.
I don't have a close relationship w/ my sister and watching her treat him like this makes me angry. I've had to walk out a couple of times to control my own temper. There are old issues and old wounds that have never healed and are now resurfacing. I don't know how to intervene anymore but I can't give up. I am pretty sure my dad will go to his grave without this relationship ever repaired and healed.
Comments (21)
Now I guess we know Mattie's family more and more.....well, it's true that two stubborn minds may not work too good together. That trait runs in my family too! Sometimes, we just have to brush all that aguments aside and look forward.
For their case, I hope you're wrong. Frustrating situation =(
I hope they will be able to patch up whatever difference they have before they start regretting things.
That's a tough situation. Blessings to you.
I am so sorry to read this post Mattie. It's just too bad that she is so stressed about being the primary care giver. If only she could look ahead to a not too distant future, where dad will not be part of anyone's life anymore, then she will make herself miserable feeling guilty for not being kinder to him.
I can feel the angst and the hurt and the compassion you feel for him. Does your sister have children? Perhaps you can gently remind her that her children could easily be treating her the same way as she treats her dad, when she is alone and old.
Love you Matt, and feel your ache.
Where to start ... I had the case in my family where my aunt couldn't live on her own anymore. My cousin, my aunt's only daughter, was put in the position to care for her mother and decided to put her mother in a (first class) nursing home for the major care (washing, food, medical), but came to visit my aunt every day and take her for trips, etc. Many of our relatives frowned at my cousin, but I understood her. My cousin couldn't physically and mentally cope with being the primary care giver to her mother without losing her own marbles.
My point is that I think your sister is overwhelmed by that situation. Your dad for sure is not going to change anymore; the only one who can change is your sister. And I think she better do change or else she will go to the grave first. Maybe the three of you need to sit down and come up with a game plan for how to deal with your dad.
@CurryPuffy - I agree, life is way too short to be squabbling. I just wish I had some magic words.
@Roadlesstaken - I really hope I'm wrong.
@oxyGENE_08 - yeah, same here. I stay up at night worry about those 2 sometimes.
@Roadkill_Spatula - thank you, the blessings are appreciated.
@ZSA_MD - thanks Zakiah, no - she doesn't have any children. I hope they will find a way to patch things up.
@beowulf222 - I bring food over on the weekends and take them to dinner. Sometimes I'll pop over in the weekday and my brother will do the same. But whatever we do never seems to be enough. We help out where we can - labour and finance. I know it can get overwhelming for her.
if two ppl cannot be together, they should not stay together. some ppl do not know the value of each other without losing them. if they live at different places, do you think they would miss each other? i understand how hard it is for you to be the audience. good idea that you walked out.
Facing this situation daily can be quite stressful. Hope your sister will make the move to patch things up with your dad.
I have a friend at work who's going through a similar situation.
I think you're handling this with grace and love.
talk to her, matt. give it a try. you've got nothing to loose. i do hope things are actually not as bad as you imagine it to be.
Quite a problem. Talking to her may help when you are up to it. I know that you could become more frustrated trying to talk to her and maybe even get angry. So pick a time when you are completely center if yo do attempt to talk to her. Your dad may have given up.. My sister is stubborn and I have learned at this point to agree unless it is an issue of importance. Tough Matt - God bless and help you.
Maybe your sister should see a counselor or join a support group. It might benefit her to speak with someone neutral and supportive (the counselor), or other people dealing with the same issues (the support group). I think it's well-known that happiness extends both the length and quality of life, and this friction between your sister and your dad is diminishing the quality of life for all 3 of you.
This post had made me realized.. when you said that your dad "will go to his grave without this relationship ever repaired" I don't want that to happen. I have a bad relationship with my dad too because he likes to scream at us and always like to critics us. I have not talked with him for weeks. I hope your sister can change and myself can change too before things are to late to be fixed..
That's sad but it's reality. What can you do? You're nice enough to control your temper. I probably wouldn't be able to myself.
Taking care of older relatives are never easy. I know family friends having similar stresses also. :( It may be that ur sis having a burnout? Wonder it may help to have someone take care of ur dad for a week or so once a while to give her a break?
Hopefully, your sister can find some resolution with her relationship with your dad. More importantly, I hope you and your sister can find some resolution with your relationship.
@I_love_Burma - I think they really struggle with how to express their love for each other. There's still a lot of pain and anger that has to be resolved first.
@icapillas - I hope she'll find a way to patch things up too. Thanks for the comment.
@CareyGLY - thank you Carey, there are days though when I think I'm really short on the grace and love.
@rudyhou - you have a point Rudy. I'll give it a shot.
@Fatcat723 - Thanks Rob, appreciate the advice.
@Senlin - good suggestion Senlin, I'm not sure if she is agreeable. Maybe she does need to find a neutral party to talk to.
@sweetandspicy87 - you're in a very tough situation. I hope you find a way to stay positive with your dad. Good luck and thank you for dropping by.
@yang1815 - I tend to keep everything in... not healthy.
@stevew918 - my brother and I were thinking about the same thing too.
@christao408 - I sometimes worry that when dad passes, it'll just be a wall of silence between us. You're right Chris, I gotta find a way to fix this even if she's not interested or ready yet.
This is very sad to read and I hope that the relationships can be salvaged before it is too late.
@supanamja - I hope so too. It may require some intervention and counseling.
Matt I read with great sadness,
I hope for the sake of all of you,
that things get better.
I think of you often, I really do.
Sorry I haven't been around to support you.
(what little support this is)
Be well my friend,
*~matthew~*
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