July 23, 2013
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An Update
An update to my previous pulse…
It’s just heartbreaking seeing dad in the hospital bed and crying out in pain. While the pain is now manageable, he is still bedridden. He finally started to eat some solid foods. He has no idea why he is in the hospital and we have to slowly reorient him back to reality. We have to do this daily. There’s always one of us with him. I’m there during the daytime. My brother leaves work early, gets our dinner and anything else we need and relieves me. My sister comes in later at night and stays over. She goes home, does some work and gets to sleep in the late afternoon. My dad’s grasp of reality is sometimes good and sometimes delusional. He tried to pull out his IV one night and climb out of bed. My sister and the night nurse stopped him.
He forgets that we are there, forgets that he had tests, alternates between being angry to the staff and being meek. Sometimes he’ll wake up and has this look of utter panic until I walk over and hold his hands. He is appalled & humiliated that people have to clean and change him. He is too frail for a bedpan.
We have no idea what happened to him but believe the problem was caused by a fall. After being in bed for so many days, he’ll have to slowly get his strength and balance back. A social worker and others will recommend what we need for home. I’m sure he’ll need around the clock care.
This afternoon, my brother and I were talking outside his room while he was asleep. If I’m outside the room, I usually check every couple of minutes and this time, I saw him trying to sit up. He said he needed to get out of bed and start walking. I explained he was still too weak and a physiotherapist is seeing him tomorrow. He kept saying he wasn’t an invalid and we shouldn’t just abandon him like a discarded log. I had to slowly explain what happened and why he was so tired today after 2 painful trips downstairs for testing. After many minutes of assuring him that we want him to get well and we want him to come home, he felt a bit better.
What’s really odd is as I was talking to him, I suddenly had this feeling of my mom telling me “I told him that he needs to get out of bed.”
In a rare moment of candor, he said he thought he would be spending his remaining years quietly reading his books and enjoying the time at home. He can’t believe he is suffering in a hospital. He’s already told us that retirement homes and seniors homes are where people are dumped before they die. While I try to stay positive, there are many moments when I fear he will not go home.
Comments (30)
-_- i can only imagine how tough this is matt…i’ll keep y’all in my thoughts.
@l0311879l - thank you Michael, I appreciate that a lot.
I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. Falls are so traumatic as we get older. We solved the idea of not going home by talking about moving to a new home — that was more acceptable than “moving to assisted living.”
OMG Mattie, I don’t know which rock was on top of me. I had no idea that you were going through this ordeal with dad. I have been very busy with Ramadan and children, and didn’t check my UI. I saw your comment on my post, so I came here to get away from other things. I don’t know what happened to your father, and when and why you took him into the hospital. I am glad that you and your siblings are there round the clock to help him. I pray that he gets his strength back and that you will be able to take him home soon.I also read where YOU were in the ER?? Again, I have no idea which rock I was under. Please feel good and take care of your health. you will be in my thoughts. Love and hugs to you dear Matt.
It sounds very similar to my Dad’s later incapacity, as I understand it—I was not there.
Matt, am thinking about you and your family right now. Am sure it is a very tough time and hope you feel the presence and support of many people who are thinking about you. It must be especially hard for your father as independence is so important to him.
@slmret - we’re really struggling with the alternatives and options going forward. I remember your entries about the long drive you had and I know it wasn’t easy for you.@ZSA_MD - it’s easy to miss things in the UI and when life is busy, it’s hard to keep up. I know the entry must have really startled you. Thank you for the prayers. I’m hoping he can recover his strength and return to his home.@n_e_i_l - it’s a struggle and I have to remain somewhat detach to make sure we’re making the right choices for him and asking the right questions.@christao408 - thanks Chris, much appreciated. He values his independence a lot. He is still crushed when he had to stop driving. You know, this is what’s good about the community here. All these people who don’t know who I am and yet, they are so are so supportive. It really helps.
@ElusiveWords - Of course you will take your dad’s needs into account, but do be sure to consider yourself and your siblings in your selection of the best alternatives. I kept my mother in her home as long as she could handle it, but when eye surgery was not successful, it became necessary to confront the issues. We talked with her, and she made a decision that it was time to move — she never looked back until about the last week of her life. My sister lives in Europe, and was unable to help, although she did most of the work clearing out the house when she came for her summer vacation. The drive was tough — and being away home for 1 week of every 3 was even harder — but it was important to keep her in Santa Barbara, where.my niece and nephew lived, and where her life could be pretty much without much disruption except for the change of address. She hated it, but was very settled about it, and continued on to make decisions about selling the house, and so forth. My thoughts continue to be with you, and I do understand how difficult a time it is for you. If you wish, please feel free to message me (or use my e-mail, jcwaters3@cox.net ) with questions or concerns.
I am at a lost for words. I know I will hit this crossroad with my mum in a few years. We just moved her into an independent senior community, she was sad to leave her house and living with me but she understands it’s the best we can do at this point for everyone so she’s made the best of it. We never want our parents to feel like we are leaving them or taking the easy way out for ourselves. Wishing you many funny and good moments, even if they are small and short lived
Matt…I’m so very sorry your Dad is going through all of this. He, and all of you, are in my thoughts and prayers.HUGS
Very sorry to hear this. I experienced a similar situation in my family a few years ago, and it’s nothing I like looking back at.
Been thinking about you dad. Thanks for the update. At least the immediate crisis is kind of over, seems like you dad has the will to live, that is a good sign. Glad family willing to share the burden. You able to sleep? Hang in there,
It’s heartbreaker watching someone you love in the hospital.I wish you the best… Like I’ve always said… you’re an amazing person. You’re a blessing in the form of a son.
That’s rough.. I hope for the best.
Very sad. It must be hard for him.
Went through that with both parents. It is never as simple as some make it to be.Hang in there Matt. I know you love himd dearly.
Life isn’t without sadness and these are one of the hardest moments we all face in life –even more painful before they are actually gone.
Matt, I just happened to sign in (after a lengthy absence) and learned about this, hope your dad will recover soon. I know this will take some time though. A few weeks ago, my dad fell and need a few stitches, I’m grateful he has recovered now. But he will need a wheelchair and walking cane from now on. Oh well, I guess we’ll have to take it on a day by day basis.
I know what you are going through, Matt. Getting him up and moving around ASAP is a good thing. Lying in bed too much causes all kinds of complications. You and your Dad are in my prayers. If there is anything I can do, I’m here.
Dude… I wish I could offer you some comfort even in the form of words man but nothing seems really helpful. I hope you and your family get through this.
Dear Matt:Despite my silence, Xanga has sent me mail versions of your notes. So I’m aware of your writing, and you come to mind regularly. My own writing at Livejournal has languished, my greatest activity is to aggravate people at Facebook (some have grown silent, thankfully, after the last U.S. Federal Election).And now to see the situation your dad’s in–I realized that it was time to write you something here.This is such a hard, taxing, draining, demanding episode. It brought to mind the experiences that I had with my mother. In her case, it was her last year of life. I hope that the medical care and therapy assistance will help put your dad back in a stable condition, so that he can quietly sit at home and read books again.Lots of decision points, lots of ‘what if’s, lots of concerns in what you’ve shared, in what you’re experiencing. I’m very glad that your siblings are participating in care of Dad. My brother (older than I) could not help much, so I was the contact person and driver. I’m glad that each of you children are doing something about companionship and care of Dad.I join others in some very serious and key concerns:-if there is ever a moment when Dad must move from where he lives, I have a strong bias that the move be to a neighborhood/location that is still familiar to him (however possible). My mother once spoke of moving to Pasadena, but I knew that she would see only me, and only for a few hours. If she remained in Pomona (30 miles away from me), she would be in the city where she lived for 50 years, and her friends would be able to visit (and some of them did), alongside closer to my brother and his family.-Sustain care and maintenance of YOUR own life, Matthew (sorry if that sounds odd to use the full form of Matt, but I want to emphasize my serious voice, I’m very sad and concerned as I read this note). One key piece of helping/sustaining your dad, is for Matt to be Matt–as ‘normal’ as possible, in the midst of all the storm and stress and trauma you’re experiencing in your work life.Seeing all those who have written here, heartfelt and concerned and supportive, it’s reassuring to know that your community of friends and contacts (wherever we are on Earth) want to join hands, reach our arms around you, and encourage your spirit.Bless you, Bless your Dad, Bless your siblings.–markb
He’ll get home. Maybe you can bring his books to him? But, if he’s fading in and out, he might not always appreciate the gesture. Anyway, it sounds like you’re doing a great job juggling all the balls you have in the air right now. Be sure to take some (even a little) time for yourself so you don’t get too run down or exhausted.
@slmret - Janet – thank you for sharing your perspective, it’s useful and will come in handy. @youngvan - we did have the odd funny moments here and there and they are so precious. I mean, how many times can you laugh when you’re in a hospital. I hope your mom continues to do well where she is. @adamswomanback - thank you very much, appreciate the thoughts and prayers as they will be needed.@beowulf222 - yeah, I went through this with my mom a few years back and those were dark times. @stevew918 - I more or less just pass out in bed. I grumble when I wake up because I want to just sleep in and feel normal. But I know I have to relieve my sister. Thank for checking in Steve. @Devilzgaysianboi - well, I would disagree with me being amazing. Everyone will go through something like this in their lives. Nothing really prepares you for it although you can certainly do some planning. Thanks for the best wishes Kev, I hope you’re keeping well.@KevEats - thank you Kevin. @twilike - it is very hard for him, we’re trying to keep him positive.
@KevEats - can you pls post a few pictures for me? I’m going crazy in the hospital room.
@Fatcat723 - thank you Rob, he is weak and will need a lot of time to recover. @viviyun - I think you’re right, thank you for visiting. @CurryPuffy - hi Gary, it has been awhile since I’ve seen you around. Yes, it’ll take quite a bit of time for him to recover. As for your dad, I hope he will recover soon too. If he has access to physiotherapist and occupational therapist, I think it’ll be good for him to get their advice. @supanamja - thank you, appreciate your thoughts and support. I did bookmark your new site. @Toro69 - he was out of bed twice yesterday for physio. It was exhausting for him but we keep reminding him to focus on getting out. @mbpasadena - Mark! Long time no see and it’s always good to hear from you. I used to check your LJ every so often but haven’t lately. I appreciate your advice and counsel. The community here has also been very supportive. I am grateful.@TutelageOfTheMundane - we brought some books, magazines and newspapers for him to read. But he tires easily. My job is to keep him active during the day (not easy when he just falls asleep in front of you).
You’re going through on of your hardest life times. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family and dad in this trying time. The video on my site could have you or another member of your family walking in the hallways of the hospital. Blessings on you and your family…along with courage and faith and patience and love.Christy
I am so sorry. I hope you guys have the strength to get through this.
I’m sorry to hear about your dad in hospital. Kudos to you and your brother and sister for taking it in turns. It really sounds rough on you guys, but of course you’ll be there for your dad. I am thinking of you and your family, Matt. Keep it up, you’re doing great.
Sorry to hear about your dad. It must be a very tough for you guys. Would your dad listen to audio books?
i’m utterly saddened by your dad’s situation. i’m so sorry to hear that it is not what you imagined it to be. BIG hugs, matt. we are here for you. hang in there.