August 7, 2013
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Deal the Cards
My dad is still in the hospital. He is out of imminent danger thanks to a transfusion and a lot of medication. But this experience is taking a toll on him physically and mentally. He gets confused very easily in this different environment. He still can’t walk yet and it’ll be awhile before he can even go home. The memory losses he goes through scares me. He also gets depressed at the physical state he is in and being so helpless. He depends on everyone for his well being. If he needs to be changed, he has to wait until a nurse or attendant is available. They moved him yesterday to another wing. There are more people here that are “confused” and bed ridden. It is a depressing place and I pull the curtains around dad’s bed so he doesn’t see everyone in his ward.
When I go home after spending a day at the hospital, I shower immediately. While the hot, soapy water washes away any germs, it doesn’t wash away my guilt, insecurity and fear. At the hospital, I am the patient and filial son. We hold his hands and assure him when he cries. He has these huge fears of abandonment. He worries incessantly about the financial burden and the toll it has taken on us. We tell him we will still be there. We also tell him that we’re trying to get personal care attendants too. But I’m also the angry son who snaps back at my dad when he doesn’t eat. I have become cold and emotionless. It’s what I have to do to survive another day.
I’ll soon leave for the hospital for my shift. My siblings and I still provide round the clock coverage. I caught myself thinking that I’ll get some sleep when this is over. But that triggered another wave of guilt and sadness.
Comments (16)
The fact that you feel guilty even with all you’ve done… already means you are a good and loving son <3
been there and done that
It sounds extremely rough and painful.You’re really brave. I don’t think I could ever do that without breaking down and sobbing right in front of a loved one.
There is so much to say, but I want to join the words of encouragement, and arms reaching across the continent to encourage you. This episode is so draining, so taxing, so demanding–relentless at times. As best you can, please keep doing things that help you to remain Matt, the good man we know and the son who’s helping sustain support with your siblings.–markb
@youngvan - thank you. @Texasjillcarmel - I know I just have to take this one day at a time and celebrate the small victories.@Devilzgaysianboi - actually when you don’t have a choice, you do what you need to do. I can’t run away from this. I’m not sure if I’m that brave – more like average I guess. @mbpasadena - thank you Mark, always appreciate the words of encouragement.
The failure to take care of one self is often the downfall of many care takers. If you’re not rested and cared for, you’re no good to either of you.Thanks for being consistent in your posts. I, for one, think you’re doing a great job and am learning a lot from your experience. Keep up the good work all the way around. : )
I totally agree with the comment @youngvan made. You wouldn’t feel guilty if you were an awful person like me.
You’re human, Matt. Of course you’ll be tired and would want to have a nice long sleep. I know you don’t like hearing it, but I really look up to you and what you (and your siblings) are doing for your dad. It’s what you should do – and you’re doing a great job, don’t try to play it down. Your dad has gone through such major changes lately – I hope he can hear you guys and feel at ease that he isn’t abandoned and that he’s surrounded by loved ones.
The good son who finds he is a human being!
Thinking of you….
Mattie, I had tears in my eyes when I read this. I have seen this happen so many times during the years I practiced medicine. Only rarely did I see patients who had caring and loving children around the parents when they were in long term care facility. the feelings of guilt that you have, is very human. if you didn’t feel that, you would be a robot. just like your father, you have emotions , and just as well that you are able to let them out of your chest on to these pages. live one day at a time with him… just those hours with him and make him feel the generosity of your spirit, while you tell him how proud you are to be his son and how well he has shown you how to love and respect old age.May the good Lord be with you through these rough days Matt. love and blessings to you.
Hang in there, Matt! You’re a good son and there is no doubt about it…
I can’t even imagine how difficult it must be to go through all of this. We each deal with things in different ways and it manifests differently on the outside. All I can say is we see how much you must love your dad. You need to find some time to take care of yourself too.
@TutelageOfTheMundane - you’re right about not taking care of oneself. I always thought I could do this but now I know my limitations. Thank you for the compliment, I appreciate that.@Xx_DeUce_xX - thank you. I’m not sure why you would describe yourself as an awful person, I don’t think you are. @stepaside_loser - thanks Andrew, appreciate the lovely words and support. @Fatcat723 - Rob – you’re right of course. But there are days when I wish I was from Krypton. Sigh…@CareyGLY - thanks Carey, appreciate it.@ZSA_MD - thank you Zakiah, as always I appreciate your kindness and support.@Dezinerdreams - wow – long time no see! Thank you for dropping in and for those nice thoughts. @brooklyn2028 - it is very stressful and I’m worried that it’ll push me over the edge. I will have to really make sure I take care of myself otherwise I’ll just be another casualty.
matt, you have done all you can. and still doing it. don’t feel guilty for wanting to get some sleep. it’s normal. it’s only human. the most important thing is that you are still there for him. and you are. and he knows it. hang in there, mattie. BIG HUGS.
Best wishes. Not sure if you are/would be a fan but maybe you’d like to watch:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo