August 11, 2013
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My Mom’s Last Gift to Me
My dad was a typical Asian father. He was in charge although we knew mom was the bedrock of the family. Dad sacrificed a lot and made sure we had a roof over our heads, food on the table, clothes on our backs and an education. When I started to work and gave money back to my parents, it was always to mom. I pretty well used mom as a buffer. It wasn’t that I was scared of dad. It was just the way it was.
Mom was always the one who would speak to dad. She understood my father, his way of thinking and knew how to talk to him. No matter how tired they were, they always made time every night to sit together and chat quietly. Because dad was older, I always thought he would pass away first. But that wasn’t the case. Mom had a lot of illnesses and contracted a vicious form of cancer. She passed away a few months after. Dad was shaken to the core. I didn’t know what to do with him and I never knew how to really talk to him. But since mom’s passing, our relationship slowly grew. He can be stubborn and annoying. But I gradually enjoyed my weekly dinners with him. He became my “date”. We went to bookstores. He would pass by the “Romantic Novels” section and proclaimed loudly that it was “garbage”. We got a few glares from those faithful readers. I helped him with his banking. He never stopped giving me advice.
When he started to get more and more confused, I started to get worried. My instincts were to simply gradually bring him back to reality gently rather than act shock or confused. He got me my first jock strap when I started high school. I was too embarrassed to buy one myself for gym. I got him his first adult diaper. He told me he was too embarrassed about the problem and didn’t know what to do.
Every day at the hospital, I would make sure I hold dad’s hand or stroke it gently. I joke with him. He told me he was scared and that he prayed very hard. He wasn’t sure if his prayers were answered. He thought his prayers weren’t eloquent. I told him prayers are prayers and they will be heard. I keep telling him that we will be here and won’t abandon him. I never knew he prayed. I never seen him this scared before.
I don’t know what each day will bring. Right now he just wants to go home. So that’s what we’ll work towards. Maybe the doctors will let him go home.
Mom was indeed the bedrock of the family. She gave me one last gift when she passed away. It was an opportunity to know my father a bit better and to see him in a different light.
Thanks mom.
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Comments (47)
A beautiful testament, Matt. The jockstrap/depends contrast is funny and poignant.
Man, that is a heartfelt story. Be strong!
I’m glad that you and your dad are learning more and more about each other during this time.
Really great post, Matt. Thoughts and prayers all the way.
Great post. I’ll be praying for you and your dad. It sounds like your parents are both great examples in their own ways.
God Bless you for taking care and time with your Dad. I was my family caregiver for a lot of years. .When the time comes just let your Dad know it’s ok for him to let go when he’s ready. I’m sure your Mom is waiting for him
best wishes to you and your family
This is a great testimony to your family! I don’t know how old your dad is, but mine is 95 and looks to go further…but we never know. I’m glad you got to have “dates” with him. My dad and I don’t live close to one another, but we are closer in relationship than we ever got to be in the past. We enjoy our parents when we have learned to honor them. (See my post, “Thanks Dad!”) http://quest4god.revelife.com/773920283/thanks-dad/
it’s nice that he has lived long enough for you to get to know him.I think if mom had died a long time ago I would have never known her either. She’s in the nursing home and is 87yrs old and confused. Dad is gone but it was the opposite -he was my buffer with my mom.
That’s a great gift.
This is like my family! My mom also passed away a few years ago from cancer and my brother and I didn’t know how to communicate with my dad. It was like my mom was the glue and everything started to fall apart after she passed away. I’m worried about how I will be able to help my dad when he gets older.
This well written and very touching. I’m sure your dad appreciates your help very much.
I don’t know you or your parents, but this made me tear up. My mother is going through a lot of medical issues with her mom and I’ve seen how much stress it puts on her. I only hope I can be half as helpful to my parents when they reach that point. You sound like you’re doing okay but I’m sure it’s very hard.
…Beautiful. THANK you for sharing this! Brought tears to my eyes. *hugs* I wish the best for you guys!
Same as everyone else, made me tear up, so meaningful and contemplative, thanks for sharing!
Muah! While you are with your father, we are with you, and praying with you for his health and that he should return home. I know he is also praying for you and your siblings Matt. These prayers never go by the wayside. There is just too much power in prayers. I pray for strength and the ability to shoulder what ever is in the future for you with regards to your father. As always, blessings to you Matt. I am glad you write about him, and share this with us. It HAS to make you feel lighter in your heart to be able to do this.
This is amazing. Blessings to you and your family.
Very thoughtful Matt
The end definitely made me tear up. You have a beautiful way with words and way of thinking
Thank you for sharing this. My eyes teared up a bit while reading this.
What a gorgeous tribute to both of your parents. In particular, I loved reading about your weekly dinners and “dates.” Thank you so much for writing and sharing this.
Your mother left you with a great gift. This is such a heartfelt post, thanks for sharing.
Matt, you are great son. Your blog brings back memory of my relationship with my dad and my mom. I had better relationship with my dad. My dad was a lot older than my mom. Before he died, during one of our phone call, he told me that he would be happy if I show more care to my mom. I have learned to listen to my mom, and proactively call her and visit her. Now i am one of her favorite child among six. Her health has not been the best lately, i treasure her every day she is on earth. Hope she lives for a long long time.
hope your dad’s prayers come true!
@christao408 - thanks Chris, appreciate the rec too. @ed408 - thank you, I’ll need to be strong for him. @laytexduckie - it hasn’t been easy but we’ve found a way to grow our relationship. I hope you’re feeling a bit better Ben. Thx for the rec.@Toro69 - thank you, the prayers have taken some of the stress off. @Roadkill_Spatula - thank you and I appreciate the prayers. I’ve been blessed with really good parents.
@Maggietx1 - the caregiver has an enormous responsibility. You must have been very strong and blessed with a gentle heart. My sister has the brunt of the caregiving responsibility as he lives with her. I was thinking along the same lines too about what to tell dad when the time comes. I don’t want him to be scared of letting go.
My heart really goes out to you. You are good people.
@Roadkill_Spatula - thank you too for the rec. @AllthatIsee - thank you for dropping by and for the best wishes. @quest4god@revelife - 95 and looking to go further – that is awesome! I need to know his secret. @Texasjillcarmel - yes, I’m glad he’s lived long enough for us to know him better. I’m sorry about your mom. Seeing dad with dementia is scary. We know it’ll get worse.
you are a blessing of a son and of a human being to your parents. thank you for sharing your personal thoughts, matt. your words make me think about me and my own dad. growing up, i was always closer to mum. my dad and i were never close and so i’m having a hard time to communicate well with him today. and i’m stubborn. that’s for sure. i wonder if i’ll ever be as good of a son to my parents the way you are to yours.
What a wonderful testament to your family. And to your willingness to know your father better. Home is a good place to be for the process that is coming. Is Hospice at home with Visiting Nurses an option? If they don’t broach the topic with you, ask if you are interested in learning more. Much peace to you and your father on this leg of his journey.
I hope I can be a mom and wife like your mom someday.They say you can always judge people based on how their children speak of them.
@rudyhou - Rudy, thank you for the really nice words. You and I are similar in some ways. By the way, my dad is really stubborn. The 2 of you would have gotten along. @epeemom - thank you for visiting. We want him home and we’ll keep our options open after that. We are still talking w/ the doctors on all the pros and cons. @viviyun - I hope you will be a great wife and mother too. I don’t know how my mom did it, she never complained about it.
@consignedhearts111 - thank you for the compliment.
Matt, I know I haven’t been here in our little community lately but I do happen to think of you often. I’m so glad that I stopped tonight. Your words touched me, thanking your mother for the time to sharewith your father. I admire you a great deal… you, whose face I’ve never seen, whose voice I will likely neverhear.. but you who have touched many through shared words. I pray for peace for your father. He is a lucky man to have such a son. be well *~matthew~*
@wematter - yes it is, it’s the best gift a mother could pass on. @elainer7124 - don’t be afraid to get outside help to give you some added insight and guidance. Your father may not handle the role reversal well. Maybe you can start by doing little things to help him. I hope you and your brother will find a way to connect with him. @whyzat - thank you for the kind words. My dad does appreciate all that we’re doing and probably feels a bit guilty that he is putting us through this. @leaflesstree - *offers tissue* it is hard and I hope your mom can hold up. It is hard work and stressful. You just have to do your best and take it one day at a time.@akarui_mitsukai - *offers tissue* I should stop writing these tear jerkers. I don’t mean to make people weep when they read my blog. Thank you for visiting and for the best wishes. @dorydabomb - *offers more tissue* (see comments above too). I’m glad you liked it and I hope you didn’t tear up too much. @ZSA_MD - thank you Zakiah, I know prayers can be very powerful and thank you for thinking of me and my family. I did feel better after I wrote this and also seeing the effect it had on others. I didn’t anticipate that. Thanks too for the rec.
@bleuzeus - wow… long time no see! Thank you for dropping by. I look and sound very average… (a face for radio and a voice for print – I think that’s how the saying goes). But thank you for the nice words and for the prayers. I hope you’re doing well.
@JolixxCrystal - thank you for the blessings. @kachino - thank you.@youngvan - thanks for the compliment. I didn’t do a lot of editing on this. I just started to write and I’m glad it made sense. @D_ecadencexx - thank you for visiting. I’ll have to get a box of tissue ready for visitors whenever I write these kind of entries. @sonnetjoy - I’m glad you enjoyed it, thank you for coming by and for the rec.@bEhBii_bLiTz - you’re very welcome & thank you for dropping in.@stevew918 - I’m not sure about the part of being a great son. I always think I should do more. I hope your mom will stay healthy and listen to your health advice. @wutuwaitn4 - thanks wuwu… I hope so too. Thanks too for the rec.
@rudyhou - I also wanted to add – we all have different relationships with our fathers, I know some friends have even closer relationships to their fathers than I do. Both fathers and sons need to adapt to each other. Dad’s been a bit more open with me than before. Start with small things and gestures here and there. Maybe he’ll slowly come around. My journey with my dad will be different than yours. It doesn’t reflect on how good of a son you are (I don’t really know how to say it). From what I know of you here, I think you have a very kind heart and you’re a decent man. p.s. thanks for the rec as well.
You’re welcome. It’s very obvious what kind of person you are. It is a nice thing.
@ElusiveWords - Don’t stop.
We need these kinds of entries! 
Thanks for sharing! *hugs*
With you on that! My mom was the keystone of the family. Keeping me out of trouble and in good graces. But my dad never really did talk with me. Even until his last days conversation was very little. Hang in there Matt!
great read thanks!
It’s really beautiful how things have evolved between you and your dad. I can feel the intimacy of you and your dad’s interactions at the bookstore, when you bought each other underwear, and as you comfort your dad at the hospital. You are stronger, Matt. You have grown even more. Hugs.
It sounds like your parents are fantastic and that they had an understanding of each other that very few couples have. We’re inspired by your dedication and touched by your struggles. We’re here for you.
@Fatcat723 - thank you Rob, sometimes he is quiet so I don’t force the conversation. But there are times when he is a bit more chatty. @lilchickanH - thank you. @stepaside_loser - I’m not sure if I’m stronger, I guess I’m gradually accepting the situation. He had a good day today and we had a few laughs during dinner. I do hold his hands when he is in bed just to reassure him. Thanks for the rec Andrew.@paperblanks - you’re right about my parents; they always made time for each other at the end of day to chat or sometimes just sit quietly together having tea. Thank you for the compliment and for the rec.
@ElusiveWords - i get what you’re trying to say. thank you. let’s hope i can be at least half as good as you when the going gets tough.
sometimes we have no clue as to how precious the people in our lives until much later in life. i’m glad you get to have these moments with your dad, though may not be the best of times. that experience of your dad getting you your first jockstrap, while you getting him his first adult diaper, though to many it seems comical, i find it very endearing. it’s like a life cycle that comes to a full circle. dad to son, son to dad. that’s rather touching. i do hope the doctor would allow your dad to return home as soon as possible. i’ll keep my fingers crossed.