It's Christmas in less than a week and I haven't even done any shopping.  We usually have a secret Santa but no one is organizing it this year.  So I guess I have to do some shopping.  My default gift will be the good ol' red pouch. The toughest person to buy any gifts will be my dad.  The best gift I can give him will be my time.  The rest of my family and extended family will have to do with whatever I come up with. 

Looking back at past Christmas (when I was younger and less cynical), the best gifts were simple ones that I got from my parents.  I knew they worked hard for the money.  It was always tight.  If I got clothes, it wasn't the fancy name brands.  But it was new and it did the job.  I remember the Christmas meals.  We didn't have turkey.  It was usually a roast duck or lamb.  Sometimes my mom would debone a duck, stuff it with sticky rice, mushrooms, Chinese sausage and other things. It was always so complicated and she would spend hours in the kitchen preparing it.  We would take our time enjoying dinner.  We used the special dishes and cutlery along with the wine glasses. There would be a couple of long distance phone calls from relatives.

When mom had more time, she would make some dumplings and steam them.  The windows would be covered with the humidity and it would quickly freeze up.  I always thought the windows that never sealed tight created the most wonderful ice patterns. 

I haven't created any special Christmas memories these past few years.  I need to change things around.

Work continues to be difficult but I feel a bit less stressed after writing that last entry.  I appreciate all of you who left words of encouragement, support and prayers.  It doesn't feel like I'm bearing this burden by myself.  Thank you for being part of this wonderful community. 

Last week, J cooked some congee and I devoured a large bowl.  Afterwards, I told him it was very good.  He replied I was stating the obvious.  I'm glad he doesn't have an ego when it comes to cooking.  We watched Lincoln afterwards.  I thought it was very good and it held my attention for the full 2 1/2 hours.  It was good to enjoy life for awhile.  J and I also hung out with my cousin as well this past weekend.  The 3 of us enjoy each other's company and shared some good food and laughter.  But I did work pretty well a full day on Saturday (deep sigh). 

It's crazy that Christmas is here.  I wish I could just reschedule it as I do when I get a meeting invitation at work.  I'm sure I'll pay dearly for those words.  The ghosts of Xmas past, present and future will visit me soon. 

This old song from Paul Simon describes what my mood has been in general these past few weeks.

"And after it rains
There's a rainbow
And all of the colors are black
It's not that the colors aren't there
It's just imagination they lack
Everything's the same
Back in my little town
Nothing but the dead and dying
Back in my little town
Nothing but the dead and dying
Back in my little town"

Paul Simon:  In My Little Town

The pressures from work has turned up several notches.  The hours are long.  For several weeks, I've had meetings (conference calls) at 8PM.  Believe it or not, they are very well attended.  Fear is a powerful motivator.  As much as I try to stay calm, I know it's taken a toll on me.  I've gotten several episodes of upset stomach and I know it's not from the food.  For many years now I've been on meds for an irregular heartbeat.  After one of these long stressful days, it returned.  Fortunately I was able to get it back under control using a couple of techniques a doctor taught me.  One of my colleagues is retiring at the end of the year.  Despite the difference in age, we get along very well and have the same sense of humour.  He's been a bit of a buffer between me and my manager.  With another colleague away on sick leave, my team is down to the bare bones. 

Dad has gotten a bit more frail and tires easily.  His cancer continues to spread slowly in his bones but it hasn't hit any of his organs or lymph nodes.  He continues to tell me that there's no pain.  His oncologist told me that every patient is different so my dad could be telling me the truth.  It's not pleasant watching him starting to fade.  I need to spend more time with him.  A couple of weeks ago, my family had a quiet dinner to celebrate my mom's birthday.  It's hard to believe she's been gone for so long now.   There are some bad memories of the final days that I've buried deep into my brain.  And yet, they somehow leach into my consciousness and stain my mood.  It's not how I want to honour her memory. 

Of course the darkness of winter hasn't helped.  I cringe whenever I hear Christmas songs now.  It's not something I can relate to anymore. It's depressing

Deep inside, a quiet voice reminds me that I'm responsible for my own happiness.

When I wrote this entry a few days ago, something odd happened.  I was almost finished dwelling in my misery and took a break.  I turned on the TV and I immediately heard Dr. Wayne Dyer (self help guru) speaking.  I looked for the remote control but before I could find it, he said (and I'm paraphrasing) "if you surround yourself with misery and negative thoughts, you will start to attract and live negative experiences."  That was a bizarre coincidence.  In the past few days, I came across a few blogs in my subscriptions about the highs and lows of life, happiness and staying positive.  Another coincidence?

So what's next?  I have to relearn that the lows in life aren't permanent.  I can choose how to respond positively to life's challenges. 

I'll continue this thread another time.  Sleep beckons.  Another day will start in a few hours. 

I think I'm going crazy.  Yeah... I think so. 

I'm not sure what's going on but I feel lost.  That seems to be the best word to describe it.  Purposeless, aimless, drifting, stagnant... I guess it's all the same.  Maybe it's related to the recent updates from my dad's doctor, combined with work pressures, a growing sense of my mortality and Christmas coming.  Sometimes I look back and wished I had done more.  I still have more things I want to do.  I just don't want to look back a few years from now and see them dried up and discarded. 

I think it's time to count my blessings again.

I dreamt that I had broken into an abandoned school with 2 other people.  We were looking for supplies when the zombies showed up.  I couldn't believe it - how come none of us had any weapons?  We ran through the hallways and hid in a room.  It didn't take long for the zombies to find us.  They broke through the door and started to come for us.  I screamed out "Beam us up now!"  My dreamed ended just as I was being beamed up.   I am glad I watched enough Star Trek to figure out how to get out of another zombie attack.  It's too bad I didn't get to meet Jean Luc Picard.  But from now on, I'm bringing my axe with me to sleep.  

Speaking of Walking Dead.  Did anyone notice the new Asian character (Tim) who is part of the Governor's team? 

The actor is Lawrence Kao.  His YouTube channel is here.  It's just good to see another Asian character in the show.   

It's almost 3AM.  Hopefully I'll be able to sleep and wake up by 6:30.  

I like cars but I'm not very knowledgeable about cars like Lucas or Andy.  I'm not a mechanically inclined though.  I can check my tire pressure & fluid levels and that's pretty well the extent of my mechanical skills. Oh - I can also change the wiper blades.  The other day, I went to the garage to change my summer tires to my winter tires.  The guys in the garage don't mind when the customers go to the back.  So I watched them work on my car and chatted with them.  They were very patient with any questions I had which I really appreciate. There was another customer there with the same model car as mine although his is a later year.  We poked into each other's car.  He had Momo steering wheels and Recaro seats which were really nice.  By coincidence I also bumped into my cousin at the garage.  He also knows the mechanics so it was like a boys night out at the garage.  All that was missing was a poker game, cigar and whiskey.

Later that day I went with J to get his new winter tires.  As we were pulling into the lot of the tire place, I saw Acuras, Lexus, Civics, a VW GTI, a couple of Bimmers, Subaru BRZ etc... I told J "I bet there are a lot of Asians inside."  I was right.  Even the staff were almost all Asians.  There was another BRZ that pulled in and the driver was barely out of his teens.  I can't believe he drives that although they aren't that expensive.  While we were waiting, I just stared at the Asian guys rims on display and the nice cars outside.  J and I dropped in on a dealer afterwards to check out a car he was interested in.  To J, he feels a car is only a vehicle that gets him from point A to point B safely.  He doesn't get excited about them.  I pretty well fondled all the new cars even though I wasn't in the market for a new car.

It was a nice car day.  I feel so manly now.  I think I'm gonna put on my jock strap. 

This is a nice time lapse video of Toronto by photographer Ryan Emond.  It's an interesting and creative perspective of my city!  

Planet Toronto from Ryan Emond on Vimeo.

I saw these planes on the way to Remembrance Day ceremonies.  I hope these ceremonies will continue for many, many years.  It's so easy in our lives to forget the sacrifices many have made for us.  The planes are Harvards with their very distinct and loud engine. 

The planes are just starting the missing man formation.  I wish I got a better shot (from the front). 

I hope you all took some time today to remember all those that served and their families too.

Believe it or not, I met up with another Xangan recently.  He also blogs anonymously although he hasn't updated much recently.  I was surprised when he contacted me.  He was in town visiting relatives and for some sightseeing.  I was able to find some time to meet him for lunch before he flew back home.  So some of you may wonder - what do anonymous blogger do when they meet?   We chatted for quite some time over lunch.  It was mostly about family, work and catching up on what we've been up to.  Although I think I asked more questions since he hasn't updated recently.  The conversation was easy and the time flew by much too quickly.  I am glad I had a chance to meet him in real life. 

When I got back to work, I took off my fake mustache, coloured contact lens, wig and make up.  Just kidding...

It's funny when I started this blog that I had no intention of turning it into any type of interaction (virtual or real).  It was just a place for an online journal.  But little by little - that's changed. 

p.s. in case you were wondering no one took pictures.  But I didn't check if he had a spy camera in his eye glass (yikes!).