I've been getting updates from my cousin sporadically.  My aunt is still in ICU and my cousin isn't able to get out that often to send emails.  Today's email wasn't encouraging with just a glimmer of good news.  Every email seems to be a roller coaster of emotions.  If she gets better, she starts chemo immediately.  All of this is opening up memories of my mom's last few weeks in the hospitals.  These are memories that I've buried and sealed.  But now they are coming back.  I had to catch myself several times today just to stop the emotions.  What's also eerie is timing, my mom went into the hospital almost to the exact day 8 years ago. 

Between this, my dad and work - maybe life is trying to tell me that I need to pay more attention to living. 

“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”  George Bernard Shaw

I came across this while procrastinating. 

My Happy End from Talking Animals on Vimeo.

I wish I had a happy end or an appendage that was my friend (this is not sounding right). 

Sometimes I think it's better for me to just quit my job and forget about the financial pressures that will inevitably follow.  Maybe I can just sell everything I have, move to some small town and live a hermit like existence. 

Such is the state of my mind nowadays.  Everyday at work (including weekends) is just a stomach churning, morale sucking experience.  I used to joke I'm a corporate whore.  Now I really feel like one. 

Maybe I should become one in real life.  A rent boy?  I'm too old for that.  Maybe I can do erotic blogging.  You hire me, I'll come to your place, you can watch me blog and hopefully you'll get turned on by that.  I suspect my market will be very limited (close to zero).  But I'm sure there are some really rich, kinky people that will hire me. 

I can only dream.  I better get to work in my real life.  But please spread the word for me. 

Hong Kong:

• as I kid I was mesmerized by the Star Ferry.  I was fascinated by the gates on the ramp to the ferry, the bell ringing, boarding the moving ferry, the wooden seats, windows and watching the city scape.  I even enjoyed watching the water churn a brilliant white / green foam as the ferry docked
• the crowds
• and they all spoke Cantonese, I thought it was just the language of my family and relatives
• the food
• relatives, no matter how old you are, they still treat you like you're a kid
• bringing flowers to the cemetery for departed relatives
• horse racing
• domestic workers out on Sundays
• temples

Credit: Javin Lau 500px.com/proletariat

I don't have much to write about today.  There are too many thoughts flying around in my head. 

My favorite aunt was recently diagnosed with lymphoma.  She's my mom's older sister and the last of the sisters on my mom's side.  The sisters were tight and lived many miles apart.  But geography and time zones was overcome by their regular long distance phone calls.  As the years went on, we all got news the oldest sister in Hong Kong was on her last days. My mom couldn't go back because of medical issues.  My favorite aunt and I flew back to Hong Kong.  We managed to see my aunt one last time before she took her last breath.  The phone calls continued but with one less sister. 

When my mom got cancer, my favorite aunt and my mom's brother came over to visit.   They had a final reunion that was filled with laughter, food and solemn conversations.  It was a very teary goodbye.  After my mom passed away, my aunt flew in on the day of the funeral.  It was a very sad month for her.  Her husband had just passed away 2 weeks before.

Shortly after, I started to call my aunt about once a month to chat.  She had to put up with my limited Cantonese but we managed to chat each time for about 20 minutes.  Most of the conversation is just regular chit chat.  My cousin told me years later that her mom enjoyed my calls because I always made her laugh.  On months when I was really bogged down with work, my cousin would remind me that my aunt hasn't heard from me in awhile.

I spoke with my aunt yesterday.  She's undergoing tests to see where the cancer has spread.  She has other medical issues but they will have to wait.  Her first chemotherapy is in a week or two.  She sounded brave and determined.  But there was also fear in her voice.  She had told me just a few weeks ago she believed she had cancer.  Everyone told her that she was over reacting.  She asked about my dad, my work, and how every is doing.  I tried to sound optimistic but I also feared the worse.  

Last Sunday, I went to the cemetery to visit my mom.  I saw a pair of rabbits running after each other.  Sometimes they would stop and look at me.  One came with a few feet of me and stuck his tongue out before leaping away.  Above me a wood pecker was busy hammering at a tree trunk looking for insects.  A cool breeze fanned the evening air as dusk approached.  That night, I was able to sleep well for the first time in days without worrying about my aunt. 

I just read this entry:  Relaunching Xanga a Fundraiser .  I would be heartbroken if this community doesn't exist anymore.  But I also confused on this free vs paid membership.  Maybe we'll find out more in the weeks to come.  I think if Xanga charges a membership fee, 90% of the people will just go elsewhere or stop blogging.

What do you folks think?

I was in a Honda dealership a few weeks ago and saw the Civic SI HFP (Honda Factory Performance).  It's been out for probably a year if I remember correctly but the supply is limited. 

Photos from automobiles.honda.com

Even though 3 sales guy were hovering over it, none of them paid any attention to me when I started to make caress it.  I could have made love to this car in the middle of the showroom.  It was just gorgeous with the 18" wheels and that hot red & black interior.  I flirted with the car, gave it a seductive wink, a sly grin and ran my fingers through its erotic zones with my soft touch.  But I knew I couldn't take it home.  I have another Civic who would not forgive me.  And I do have principles.

Seriously, I think if I had a son I would probably name him Civic SI HFP.  I'm sure he won't mind. 

My sister was telling me about a member of our extended family.  He works for the city.  He was telling my sister that they usually get an hour for lunch.  But if they don't have any work scheduled after lunch, they just take 2 hours. My brother asked him on the average, how many hours he works in a day.  He said he puts in about 4 hours of work.  In his previous job as a store manager for a clothing chain, he would always come in early, stay late, make sure people who were scheduled showed up for work, dealt with all the store issues and never really had a holiday off.  He said it took him a few months to get used to this leisurely pace.  There's no overtime unless it's an emergency. 

I was thinking about an ex colleague of mine in the IT industry.  He used to pull 60 hour weeks, worked weekends and was on call in the evenings.  He moved to another IT job in the government.  He is paid well and work moves a lot slower pace.  He can't go any faster because the workforce is unionized.  So work is analyzed, debated, assigned before he gets work.  So he works for about half the day and busies himself with self education and other things. 

In some ways, I'm happy that they have a lot better work life balance than I do. 

But really - I don't know how the government & unions can continue this type of work culture. 

Life isn't fair. 

Ben aka (#laytexduckie) tagged me with this 16 random things about myself.  I’ve done a couple of these before and always feel uncomfortable talking about myself.  But it’s Ben and who can resist anyone with his good heart, charming looks and a warped sense of humour?

1. While I work in the IT industry, I’m not a technical person at all.  I’ve somehow managed to survive.  I’m more interested in the people aspect of the business.  I don't think my next job will be in the IT industry, I got into IT by accident and it's not my passion.

2.  I can speak very basic Cantonese (dad says I speak it with an accent).  I can write some basic Chinese characters (numbers).  I speak even less Mandarin.  I can sort of understand Toisan. 

3.  I may be gay but I’m missing a few “gay genes”.  I have absolutely no sense of fashion.  I was mistaken for a homeless person before.  I thought I was dressed shabby chic.   Don’t ask me for decorating tips either.  Once you’ve seen my place, you’ll understand.  Dancing and singing aren’t in my genes either.  I think if I ever went to a club, the bouncers would slip me a $20 to leave. 

4.  Facebook - sorry, I don’t do Facebook.  Which means I’m some sort of deranged sociopath who will stalk, rob, murder and then blog about it. 

5.  I have another secret blog.  Just kidding. 

6.  Automatic vs manual?  It‘s manual (standard) for me.  I like the feeling of being in control and being a bit more aware of what is happening around you.  I have yet to master the art of heel toe downshifting though. 

7.  Pain - I have a very low pain tolerance.  Don’t nibble on my nipple.  I’ll watch S&M but you won’t catch me doing S&M.  Whenever I get an injection or go for a blood test, I have to mentally control myself.  A visit to the dentist (unless it’s just a checkup) will send my blood pressure rocketing. 

8.  Prior to blogging, I never was interested in writing.  There’s something about crafting a story that fascinates me.  I love how words can heal, hurt and humour (this is the Canadian spelling of humor).  Words can reach into your heart, tickle it, touch it and tease it.  A good writer can conjour up images, emotions and keep you engaged as you walk through the storyline. 

9.  It’s only #9?  Why did Ben ask for 16?  Who is Ben?  Why do I like him?  Well - he does have a crazy sense of humour.  And so do I.  I don’t mean a sick sense of humour.   But witty, creative, bizzare, silly, juvenille, slapstick, dry... I love them all.  If you can make someone laugh, you have a special gift.  Laughter can help heal too. 

10. I remember as a kid wondering what it would be like to have the power to be invisible.  But I was a smart kid.  What would happen to my clothes?  Since they can’t be invisible I logically concluded I would have to be butt naked.  This of course led to a lot of unhealthy fantasies for a young boy.  And no, I’ve never been to a nude beach. But if I was invisible, I would stalk all of you.  As you’re reading this, I’m standing right beside you with an invisible iPhone  iPad to protect my modesty.

11.  I’ve never been in a fight in my entire life.  It’s not something I’m proud of.

12. Cat or dogs? I like cats.  Meow... purr.... hiss.

13.  I’m sure I turned gay when I was a young boy.  I poked at the breast of a rather well endowed aunt and asked “what are these”?  My mom was standing beside me and slapped my hands off her breast.  I was so surprised and hurt.  Why can’t I ask? If I had to touch a woman’s breast now, I know that memory would come back and haunt me again and again.  That’s why I swing the other way.  I’d probably run away if a large breasted woman came after me.

14.  Is it #16 yet?  Holy cow... I never learned to ride a bike until I was an adult.  We never could afford one.  You grow up quickly when you realize that it’s even senseless to ask your parents to buy a bike.  Once I learned to ride a bike, I lost all interest in buying one.  Well - it’s partly because I live in the downtown area and I’m paranoid about riding in the streets.

15.  I share more on Xanga than I do in real life. 

16.  Oh finally!  Oh wait, #5 wasn’t a fact.  I like watching car racing although I don’t follow F1, Indy Car or Nascar every week.  I just don’t have time.  But when I’m behind the wheel of my shopping cart at the supermarket, I’ll race you to the cashier.  But I’ll do it very discreetly and smile at you when I cut you off.  If you're tailgating me, I'll fart.

17.  I like rice.  I’ll have white rice with my fried rice.  I’ll have rice with rice noodles.  Congee and rice - why not?  When I was growing up, my parents would always urge us to finish our rice and reminded us how fortunate we were to have rice.  It’s hard for me to leave a partially eaten bowl of rice behind in a restaurant.  Unless I’m really, really full... *burp*

So there you have it.  16 random facts about me.  I was going to include a picture of me but I can’t find any.   I have to tag others but I'll leave it up to you to take on this challenge.

I slashed cut myself on the finger while slicing some daikon radish. It was a gruesome silly accident.  I was using my knife to collect the cut pieces and my finger just grazed the blade.  I screamed cringed when I felt the blood gushing out cut.  I got my surgical kit a tissue and squeezed my finger.  It took me a minute to remember where my surgical team was I stored my bandaid.  I got back to work but my cutting board was smeared with carnage had a drop of blood.  I thought about taking a picture of the cut but it was just like a tiny paper cut.  My hands were heavily bandaged and I couldn't hold a camera.

This heavy bleeding terrified distracted me and I forgot to push the button on my rice cooker.  Now my food is going to be overcooked while I wait for the rice to cook. I'm so lucky to be alive and will heal after a few days in the intensive care annoyed.