The stress from work hasn't let up.  The small team I work in is short staffed and it looks like it'll remain that way for a few more months.  I work almost every night now including a few hours on the weekends.  One of my colleagues has retired.  He told me he was glad he retired on his on terms and didn't get laid off.  We shared the same sense of humour and despite our very different backgrounds, we got along very well.  He listened when I had to vent, helped pushed back on management and provided some common sense advice.  My manager caught me off guard the other day when he asked me how long I still want to do this job.  I said a year or two at the most.  When I look around my company, I don't really see a lot of good jobs.  But I think I need to reboot my network and see what is out there.  I just feel so fatigued and depressed by work.

Hands can be fascinating to look at.  The different shapes, sizes, length of fingers (don't get any ideas....) - even the texture of the skin. 

A 3 month old baby holding one of my fingers.  I'm always amazed at the grip of a baby.  I just realized the baby's hand looks like it got cut off below the wrist.  He's actually wearing black top and red striped tshirt (on the left).

My dad opening his Christmas presents.

From a statue - I love the long and slender lines.

I hope you folks will post a picture of your hand.  I really don't have a hand fetish. 

I ate too much this past week.  I think I need a wheelbarrow to support my tummy when I walk. 

J cooked Xmas dinner for his family.  I got in just as J was dispatching the last of the lobsters and crabs.  He had a bandage on one of the fingers courtesy of a death grip from a crab.  I love these moments.  I put on my innocent face and asked "Did it hurt?"    

Here's some of the pictures of the food.

The crab and lobsters dusted with corn starch before being dropped into the wok.

I was demoted to kitchen help and was asked to keep an eye on the tofu as they were being fried.

BBQ Pork

There were 2 heaping plates of lobsters and crabs stir fried in ginger and green onions.  It was very good.

After the tofu was fried, I drizzled some of the sauce that J made for it.  It's a sweet / salty / tart sauce with shallots that
 complimented the fried tofu very well.  I took the extra sauce home.

There was also a dish with mushrooms, greens and sea cucumber.  I also took the extra sauce home too.

One of the relatives brought over sushi / sashimi. 

It was a long day for J and I gave him a backrub and leg massage afterwards.

For my family Xmas dinner, we went to a member of our extended family.  It was a potluck supper with everyone bringing in food.

My sister made butternut squash soup. 

Some of the candies that were scattered all over the house

The hostess made roast beef.  There were a lot of other dishes too but I was too busy eating.

Someone made cherry cheesecake for dessert.  I had a small slice and it was good but very filling.

What did I make?  Nothing, I was demoted to bringing wine.  Just as well, I didn't have anytime this year to shop or cook.  Although we agreed not to exchange gifts, both my brother and sister got me presents.  What did I get them?  Nothing.  I guess I'll have to find a way to make it up.  But I'm thankful to see dad smile at his gifts and for another opportunity to enjoy wonderful meals that were lovingly prepared.

I stepped out into the bright afternoon sun to grab some lunch at my local Vietnamese restaurant.  As I walked past the pan handler, he looked up at me and asked "Do you have any change?"  I had already a couple of steps past him when I fished out a quarter from my pocket.  I turned back and saw an old, weathered face with a few layers of worn out clothes.  I placed the quarter in his hand it and it rolled off.  The quarter fell right through the metal grate. "It fell!" he cried out.   We both looked down at it.  He looked backed at me.  I reached into my pocket again and fished out a coin.  I looked to see what it was.  It was a loonie ($1 coin).  He saw it too.  I carefully placed it in his hands. He thanked me quietly while I pondered what I just did. 

Today I had the luxury of eating out at lunch time.  It was a treat for working late every night this week.  Last night, my meeting finished at 11PM and I barely woke upon time this morning.  I went back to local Vietnamese restaurant and enjoyed some spring rolls and chicken pho.  My tummy was very happy.  As I left, I almost walked right into a very disheveled looking man.  He held out his hand and asked "I am trying to buy a pop, do you have any change?"  He had some coins in his hands.  I grabbed some coins and tried to discreetly sort out the big $1 and $2 coins.  As I handed him some coins, I saw another $1 coin land in his hands along with a few dimes.  He stared at his loot as I walked away. 

As I rounded the corner, I saw another young Asian guy sitting on the sidewalk across the street.  His hat was on the sidewalk.  But this time I didn't cross the street.  I figured I've done my good deeds already.  Except I kept thinking about him sitting there in the cold sidewalk a few times as I worked through the rest of the day.  I guess I didn't do enough good deeds yet. 

It's Christmas in less than a week and I haven't even done any shopping.  We usually have a secret Santa but no one is organizing it this year.  So I guess I have to do some shopping.  My default gift will be the good ol' red pouch. The toughest person to buy any gifts will be my dad.  The best gift I can give him will be my time.  The rest of my family and extended family will have to do with whatever I come up with. 

Looking back at past Christmas (when I was younger and less cynical), the best gifts were simple ones that I got from my parents.  I knew they worked hard for the money.  It was always tight.  If I got clothes, it wasn't the fancy name brands.  But it was new and it did the job.  I remember the Christmas meals.  We didn't have turkey.  It was usually a roast duck or lamb.  Sometimes my mom would debone a duck, stuff it with sticky rice, mushrooms, Chinese sausage and other things. It was always so complicated and she would spend hours in the kitchen preparing it.  We would take our time enjoying dinner.  We used the special dishes and cutlery along with the wine glasses. There would be a couple of long distance phone calls from relatives.

When mom had more time, she would make some dumplings and steam them.  The windows would be covered with the humidity and it would quickly freeze up.  I always thought the windows that never sealed tight created the most wonderful ice patterns. 

I haven't created any special Christmas memories these past few years.  I need to change things around.

Work continues to be difficult but I feel a bit less stressed after writing that last entry.  I appreciate all of you who left words of encouragement, support and prayers.  It doesn't feel like I'm bearing this burden by myself.  Thank you for being part of this wonderful community. 

Last week, J cooked some congee and I devoured a large bowl.  Afterwards, I told him it was very good.  He replied I was stating the obvious.  I'm glad he doesn't have an ego when it comes to cooking.  We watched Lincoln afterwards.  I thought it was very good and it held my attention for the full 2 1/2 hours.  It was good to enjoy life for awhile.  J and I also hung out with my cousin as well this past weekend.  The 3 of us enjoy each other's company and shared some good food and laughter.  But I did work pretty well a full day on Saturday (deep sigh). 

It's crazy that Christmas is here.  I wish I could just reschedule it as I do when I get a meeting invitation at work.  I'm sure I'll pay dearly for those words.  The ghosts of Xmas past, present and future will visit me soon. 

This old song from Paul Simon describes what my mood has been in general these past few weeks.

"And after it rains
There's a rainbow
And all of the colors are black
It's not that the colors aren't there
It's just imagination they lack
Everything's the same
Back in my little town
Nothing but the dead and dying
Back in my little town
Nothing but the dead and dying
Back in my little town"

Paul Simon:  In My Little Town

The pressures from work has turned up several notches.  The hours are long.  For several weeks, I've had meetings (conference calls) at 8PM.  Believe it or not, they are very well attended.  Fear is a powerful motivator.  As much as I try to stay calm, I know it's taken a toll on me.  I've gotten several episodes of upset stomach and I know it's not from the food.  For many years now I've been on meds for an irregular heartbeat.  After one of these long stressful days, it returned.  Fortunately I was able to get it back under control using a couple of techniques a doctor taught me.  One of my colleagues is retiring at the end of the year.  Despite the difference in age, we get along very well and have the same sense of humour.  He's been a bit of a buffer between me and my manager.  With another colleague away on sick leave, my team is down to the bare bones. 

Dad has gotten a bit more frail and tires easily.  His cancer continues to spread slowly in his bones but it hasn't hit any of his organs or lymph nodes.  He continues to tell me that there's no pain.  His oncologist told me that every patient is different so my dad could be telling me the truth.  It's not pleasant watching him starting to fade.  I need to spend more time with him.  A couple of weeks ago, my family had a quiet dinner to celebrate my mom's birthday.  It's hard to believe she's been gone for so long now.   There are some bad memories of the final days that I've buried deep into my brain.  And yet, they somehow leach into my consciousness and stain my mood.  It's not how I want to honour her memory. 

Of course the darkness of winter hasn't helped.  I cringe whenever I hear Christmas songs now.  It's not something I can relate to anymore. It's depressing

Deep inside, a quiet voice reminds me that I'm responsible for my own happiness.

When I wrote this entry a few days ago, something odd happened.  I was almost finished dwelling in my misery and took a break.  I turned on the TV and I immediately heard Dr. Wayne Dyer (self help guru) speaking.  I looked for the remote control but before I could find it, he said (and I'm paraphrasing) "if you surround yourself with misery and negative thoughts, you will start to attract and live negative experiences."  That was a bizarre coincidence.  In the past few days, I came across a few blogs in my subscriptions about the highs and lows of life, happiness and staying positive.  Another coincidence?

So what's next?  I have to relearn that the lows in life aren't permanent.  I can choose how to respond positively to life's challenges. 

I'll continue this thread another time.  Sleep beckons.  Another day will start in a few hours. 

I think I'm going crazy.  Yeah... I think so. 

I'm not sure what's going on but I feel lost.  That seems to be the best word to describe it.  Purposeless, aimless, drifting, stagnant... I guess it's all the same.  Maybe it's related to the recent updates from my dad's doctor, combined with work pressures, a growing sense of my mortality and Christmas coming.  Sometimes I look back and wished I had done more.  I still have more things I want to do.  I just don't want to look back a few years from now and see them dried up and discarded. 

I think it's time to count my blessings again.

I dreamt that I had broken into an abandoned school with 2 other people.  We were looking for supplies when the zombies showed up.  I couldn't believe it - how come none of us had any weapons?  We ran through the hallways and hid in a room.  It didn't take long for the zombies to find us.  They broke through the door and started to come for us.  I screamed out "Beam us up now!"  My dreamed ended just as I was being beamed up.   I am glad I watched enough Star Trek to figure out how to get out of another zombie attack.  It's too bad I didn't get to meet Jean Luc Picard.  But from now on, I'm bringing my axe with me to sleep.  

Speaking of Walking Dead.  Did anyone notice the new Asian character (Tim) who is part of the Governor's team? 

The actor is Lawrence Kao.  His YouTube channel is here.  It's just good to see another Asian character in the show.   

It's almost 3AM.  Hopefully I'll be able to sleep and wake up by 6:30.