I work around 60 to 70 hrs a week now.  This includes weekends.  It’s taken a toll on my health and emotional well being.  On Friday, J came over after work to cheer me up and drag me out to dinner.  We ended up at a French restaurant after walking around a bit.  I was so hungry I ate everything except for 1 small piece of bread.  It was a relaxing and quiet dinner.  I even had a glass of wine with dinner.  The next day,  I woke up early but got very sleepy and tired in the afternoon.  J came over and we picked up my cousin to grab a bite to eat.  It was good to chill out with my cousin and we all had a nice dinner with the usual jokes and insults flying all over the place.   

At dinner tonight, dad sensed work was still bothering me but he was at a loss for advice.  I wish I had stayed longer after dinner to chat with him.  But I had to get back to my work. 

Really, I’m a zombie now.  I have to be this way to put up with the crap.  I started to look around at different resources for career planning, job search and so on.  The most common advice is to find what I’m passionate about.  I stared at the screen and couldn’t come up with anything, not one thing.  That really scared me. Then I got angry with myself for letting this happen. 

Does anyone want to hire an anonymous blogger? 

I’ve whined a lot about work.  I don’t have my manager’s backing and from what I can tell, he doesn’t trust me anymore.  I should have planned my exit strategy earlier and not try to stick it out.  There’s a difference in not giving up and walking away from a deteriorating situation.  When I leave I want to do it on my terms and hopefully in a positive manner.  I’m tired of the long hours.  I don’t want to wake up nervous about what the day will be like. 

When I pray at night (on those nights when I feel weak), I pray for the strength to see me through this and to help me find my way. 

Thanks to all of you who have given me words of comfort, encouragement and support.

I feel lost.  Not physically … but in this life.  I see others with a strong sense of purpose.  They know their mission in life.  They know what they are passionate about.  They understand what it takes to attain their goals. Not me… GPS or a map won’t help if you don’t know where you want to go.  I remember one of my earliest results from career counseling in high school.  It was one of those computerize systems.  It suggested I had an interest in farming or being a priest.  I didn’t even like mowing the lawn or watering the house plants.  My guidance counselor was a priest (I went to a Catholic high school).  He was disappointed when I told him I wasn’t interested. 

Corporate life has made me jaded and disillusioned.  Elder care has saddled me with a mixture of guilt, satisfaction, fear and sadness.  You’re a child and a parent at the same time.  Sooner or later elder care and corporate life will no longer be an issue.  So what is next? 

You know what crystallized this entry?  It’s this lovely little video I saw on another blog.

So what do you folks think I should do?  I feel like a ship without a harbour.  A plane without an airport. 

Maybe I’ll do what this guy did.  I’ll print out some of my entries and sell them.  Would you buy them?  I’ll even autograph them for you.

Today was my first day back at work after an extended Christmas break.  I was checking emails and voicemails daily but that’s the price to pay when you’re working in a small team.  In the past 12 months, I’ve been survived a couple of “workforce reduction”, lived through a “realignment” of my team, watched my workload gradually grow and watched my stock options expire worthless.  I did however received a very small bonus so that’s better than a kick in the butt. 

I have no idea what this year will be like at work.  There are lots of rumors but no one really knows.  If they give me a “package”, I just hope it’s big enough to pay off my mortgage.  It’s unlikely I’ll get a job in I/T again.  My skill set is not technical – it’s all the “soft” skills.  I was chatting with someone the other day about surviving all the layoffs .  He remarked that I must have  a lot of special skills.  I shook my head – it’s a combination of luck, hard work and fate.  Maybe someone likes me.  I’ve been on the side that selected people to be let go – I try not to dwell on it. 

If something does happen to me at work, I’m not all that stressed about that anymore.  I now see it as an opportunity to do something else.  I’m a lot more calm about it now than before.   It won’t be a smooth road.  I should do more preparation (finances, education…) in the event that does happen.   If it doesn’t, then that’s fine – I’ll have more security and hopefully some new skills. 

In the meantime – anyone want some desserts? 
I got these from Nadege Patisserie.  You can read about it here as their website isn’t up yet.
http://www.blogto.com/bakery/nadege-patisserie
http://www.torontolife.com/daily/daily-dish/opening-daily-dish/2009/08/05/just-opened-nadege-patisserie/

This was caramel tart with salt crystals on top.  I was surprised how well
the salt matched the caramel.

They called this the Marie-Antoinette.   I liked it but my bf wasn’t crazy about it.
I’d chop off my head for more of it. 

Thank you all for your comments, insights and experiences on Macs and PCs.  I very much appreciate it.  Despite working for an IT company, I’m pretty well useless when it comes to technology. 

On a different note…
I am fairly competent at my job, but I know this isn’t what I truly want to do.  I’ve felt this way for the past few years now.  I see my job as simply a way to support myself.  While I don’t hate it, it doesn’t stir my heart.  I’ll put in the extra hours when required and do all those things people expect from a senior professional.  When I’m in a cynical mood, I simply call myself a corporate whore. 

My heart lies elsewhere.  I don’t know where that is yet.  Writing and photography are two things I like to do a lot more.  It requires a different skill set and sensibility.  I don’t know if I can make a living out of it. 

But we’ll see – I think I need to plant a few seeds now.  I have to pack my bags and head into the office soon.  Thankfully my day is clear of meetings and appointments.