I spent most of Saturday afternoon at my dad’s place.  I did a bit of pruning and weeding.  I would be lying if I said I found it
meaningful, relaxing or peaceful.  If I
do anymore weeding, I need some gloves to battle those thistles!  Before we left for dinner, we sat out on the
porch and relaxed.  His house is one of
the few that has a porch big enough for several chairs.  I told him about some of the weeds and
overgrown bushes in the back.  He told me
that he seldom goes to the backyard.  It
reminds him too much of the times with mom. 

They spent a lot of time puttering in the garden.  They would also take their breaks on a set of
rattan furniture underneath the big shady tree. 
Inevitably, dad would have his newspapers and magazines along with
numerous paper weights.  Mom would inevitably
bring out a pot of tea for them to enjoy.  I wish he would talk to a counselor (he thinks that's just a waste of time) to help him with his grieving. 

My conversations with dad range from long periods of
silences, the usual weather chit chat to his childhood days, upcoming doctor
appoints, relatives and mom.  I never know
what to expect so I gently pry about here and there to see what he wants to
talk about.   Sometimes I'm able to lead him back to what I need to talk about with him.  Dad guards his inner emotions very carefully.  Between my brother and sister, I seem to have the most luck getting through to him.  My sister gets frustrated because she simply
uses a direct approach.  To her, a hammer
will solve almost any problem.  

One thing about my dad is that he’ll almost never tell the
truth if he believes the truth will make us feel uncomfortable, sad or
anxious.  He’ll cover it with white lies
to protect us.  It worked when we were
younger.  He shielded us from a lot of
financial worries.  But eventually I learned
to look at all the bills and knew instinctively that his income wasn’t enough
to cover everything.  He almost always
tells us he’s feeling fine (he tells the same thing to his doctor) so it’s
always frustrating to figure out what is bothering him.  He simply doesn’t want anyone to fuss over him
and worry about him.  So it’s always a
bit of a challenge trying to stay one step ahead of him without letting him
feel he’s a burden.  Being a parent to your parent - this role reversal isn't one that each of us find easy to adapt to.  

At dinner last night, I was telling my dad and my sister about my
bf’s youngest nephew.   He’s only 7
months old – a cute baby boy that drools and coos.  I like how he focuses on you when you hold
him.  His smiles easily when you play peek
a boo with him.  My dad just nodded his
head and continued to eat his dinner slowly. 

I also played with
another of my bf’s nephews.  This one was about a year old and has learned
how to walk.  He hasn’t mastered talking
yet but his many facial expressions are always so interesting to observe.  He also does the “asian squat”.  The first time he did it,  I almost died laughing.  This time I gently nudged him as he was squatting
to see if he would tip over (I was would have caught him).  He was actually well balanced and his little
toes would clench the carpet for extra balance. 
The entire day was watching the kids play, and enjoying my bf’s cooking
(congee for lunch and hot pot for dinner). 
The squeals of children playing resonated throughout the house the entire
day. It was also fun watching them eat. 
Each of them have their own little quirks.

By contrast, dinner with my dad and sis was a quiet affair punctuated
by some small talk.  I asked him about
his taxes.  I had suggested to him that
he let my bf handle it again this year. 
After years of trying to get him to do this, he only relented last year.  This year, he just simply gave all his receipts and documents to me.  I also asked him if he wanted to fly out to Seattle to visit my aunt
(my mom’s sister).  He had expressed an
interest last year.  He quietly told me
no, he didn’t think he could last that long. 
I wasn’t sure if he meant he didn’t think he could handle the trip or
something else.  I

After dinner, we chatted for awhile.  He told me that he knows his memory is fading
and growing worse.  He shook his head and
didn’t say much.  He still has some financial
stuff to do to clean up my mom’s financials. 
He told me that he can’t do that anymore.  He said he went through 3 drawers of my mom’s
stuff and had to stop.  He patted his
heart and I understood what he meant. 

 The two days over the weekend were such a contrast.  This is what the circle of life is all about.  I sometimes wonder what kind of  father I would have been.  

My Chinese New Years eve dinner was spent at my bf’s place.  Despite the snow storm, everyone from his
family showed up.  Of course it was play
time for me with the baby.  Well except the baby
has now mastered the art of walking (except for stairs).  He preferred to do things on his own.  He tolerated my camera but rebuffed all my
attempts to pick him up.  My bf cooked up
a storm and supplemented the dinner with roast chicken and roast pork from the store.
 The abalone with mushrooms was very
good.  (ed note:  he’s a bit too shy to have the pics of his
food posted here)

During dinner, his older nephew went for  the drumstick from the chicken but couldn’t find
it.  They were now reserved for the younger
nephew and niece.  I chuckled out loud at
the “changing of the guard”.   For many years, the 2 drumsticks were reserved
for him and his sister.  He accepted it
very graciously though.  I did notice
afterwards when I went for the roast pork that most of the crispy skin from the
pieces in the dish was missing.  It was
just the meat that was left behind.  He
gave me a sly grin when I jokingly asked out loud what happened to all the
crispy skin.

Just as well, I really need to hit the gym. 

New Year's Eve dinner was a small family affair at my bf's place.  His sister was visiting with the kids and he made hot pot.  This time the baby didn't want anything to do with me.  I was crushed.    Actually he did warm up a bit towards the end.  I was taking pictures of everyone and he would come over and check himself out on the small LCD of my camera.  It was fun watching my bf feed him some oranges.  The baby stood on his tip toes, fingers clutching the island so he could see the oranges.  The oranges were still cold from being in the refrigerator.  The baby would make a funny face and spit it out.  So my bf had to tell him to wait for  awhile.  My bf also made orange / grapefruit juice for the other kids.  They were just mesmerized by the juicer which I found amusing.  I like these domestic, family moments with children.  Every so often, I just need to be with kids. 

On a more sombre note, my dad is out of town visiting his younger sister.  She's not doing well and I heard she's very frail now.  I was startled when I found out she's less than 80 lbs now.  My brother took some time out from his schedule to accompany my dad.  I'm not sure how well my dad will handle this trip.  I'm sure this will be the last time he'll visit his sister.  My dad's family isn't that close and aside from Christmas and birthdays, they don't usually call or visit.  A lot of this is due to a rift in the family decades ago.  Over time, this has healed somewhat but I think the damage was already done.  

Sometimes I wonder if my relationship with my brother and sister will be over time.  We're not exactly very close but we do help each other out and are supportive of each other.  But we don't exactly sit down and talk about our dreams, relationships etc...  One of my cousins was surprised when I told him I don't exactly my siblings.  But at least we're not bickering and arguing with each other. 

I left work early to pick up my dad for dinner.  The traffic was surprisingly smooth and I got
to the house with plenty of time to spare.  It was still early and we weren’t hungry
yet.   So I sat down and chatted with him.  He was sitting in his favorite spot - the
sofa by the window.  From that vantage
point, he can see who is coming up to the house.   The conversation flowed easily and meandered
around many topics.  He talked about the
people he saw at the public library, the various newspapers and magazines that
he liked, the demise of serious analysis at the New York Times, updates about
his neighbours, an upcoming driver test, his health and so forth.     

After about an hour, our stomachs reminded us that it was close to dinner.  We drove to a nearby
Chinese restaurant.  It’s not a fancy
place but they serve decent food and they’ll toss in a free soup and the usual
red bean dessert.  I ordered beef with
bitter melon in black bean sauce.  My mom
used to make that for him.  Back then I
didn’t like bitter melon until one day I nibbled at some and was surprised that
it wasn’t that bitter.  We also ordered
some pork chops.   

As we were eating,  I
noticed a table near us with a family of 5; the parents, 2 boys and girl. The
older boy was around 14 and he was sitting sideways to me.  He always seemed to be getting food for his
brother and monitoring his younger brother. 
The younger boy was probably about 10 and his back was to me.  The girl was perhaps 12 and she was more
intent in her book than dinner.  I didn’t
really pay much attention to them until the younger brother started to act up
by making noises that sounded like grunts. 
 When he turned around, I realized
he was mentally handicapped.  His brother
and the mom would occasionally say something to him to try and comfort him
while the father looked on.  He seemed to
be indifferent to the whole situation – as if it was just another routine day
and perhaps it was.  I wondered if he
might have felt disappointed or questioned “why me?”  Did he go through a stage of self pity and
was he over it?

After awhile, they faded into the general din of the
restaurant and I continued to chat with my dad and to make sure he was eating
enough.  I then noticed a man walking by
our table and he was carrying his son sideways across his shoulder.  The boy was giggling and the dad was laughing
while looking for a table.  The waitress
steered them past our table again to the other side of the restaurant.  I smiled as they walked past my table.  I looked back at the other father and noticed
the father at the other table was also looking at them too.  He then noticed me looking at him and our
eyes locked for a moment.  I quickly looked
away and felt a bit sheepish. 

I turn my attention back to my dad who was slowly finished
with his dinner.  He looks frail
now.  A couple of his fingers are gnarled
with arthritis.  His eyes have dimmed and
don’t sparkle anymore.   I have long
stopped asking him about what he did a few days ago as his short term memory
has diminished considerably.  I thought
about the father and sons in the restaurant tonight.  Each of us at different stages in our lives, each with
very different circumstances, needs and dreams.   I wonder if years from now, the sons will
feel the same way I feel about my dad now. 

Over the summer, my cousin's son came to visit my family.  He's 1/4 Chinese and speaks French with more than enough English to get by.  His dad and my dad have been good friends for decades.  He's only 17, skinny, with a charming French accent that soon charmed every girl he met.  He stayed with my brother for about a month and demolished my brother's food and liquor budget. I volunteered to take him around for a day.  I wasn't quite sure what to do with him and was worried that we wouldn't have anything  to chat about.  My brother joked that I should just take him to a bar.

But as soon as he hopped into my car, he commented that this was the first manual transmission he's seen in Canada.  Ahh...  my type of a guy.  I took him to a Buddhist temple and we wandered around the library inside, enjoyed a brief walk through a small display of sculptures, the store, watched some Tai Chi and a table tennis tournament.  He's never been to a temple before so this was a very new experience for him. 

I then drove him to a Chinese mall which floored him.  He was fascinated by the different stores, the CD and DVD places, the food stores - his eyes went wide when he saw how expensive abalone was.  He managed to pick up a knockoff  Diesel bag ("They don't charge you tax if you pay cash?") and got some tea for his mom.   I wanted to see if he would try some herbal tea.  He gamely sipped a cup of 5 flower tea but after a few sips declared that it wasn't his taste.  So we walked over to another tea shop and I got him one of those flowering jasmine tea which "blossoms" in the tea pot.  He enjoyed that one and we chatted for about an hour or so about his goals, his family, his interests in music and design (industrial).

Afterwards I took him to a furniture store where he looked at all the different designs.  He joked that he would design a piece of furniture for me.  I'm hoping he's not joking because he actually has designed a chair already.

It turned out to be a very pleasant day overall even though we drove quite a bit.  I was worried that it would become a chore but it turned out to be a fun day instead.  The best part is that I got to know him a lot better.  I have no idea when he'll return or when I'll visit him.  But  I'm glad that we were able to create some bonds in my widely scattered extended family. 

A couple of fall pics.