I’ve been bogged down with a report.  It had to go through 2 rewrites.  I hope to submit it tomorrow.  My managers gave me tons of feedback.  If you can imagine getting a paper back with tons of red markings only this was delivered over the phone.  The first feedback session was in person.  It was honest feedback and I thought it made the report tighter and a lot more focused.  But wow… I thought I was an ok writer until my manager took my paper apart.  He told me he used to edit papers before and had 3 mentors who would pick apart his reports.  At the end of our call I was very quiet and he asked if I was ok.  I mumbled “there’s always something new to learn”.  But that’s business and you can’t let your ego get in the way.  I know that report will eventually find its way to someone senior exec and if they can’t understand it, it’ll just look bad on everyone. 

It was tough rewriting it.  I moped and sulked the first day.  It took a bit too much time to get over it before I could move on.  It’s frustrating.  I wanted to tell them that I had hoped to be a writer someday. I’m sure they would have given me a puzzled look. 

Writing for business is where precision and conciseness counts.  It’s less descriptive and more quantitative.  I can’t simply write “We missed our revenue target”.  How much did we miss it by?  When I follow up with the reason, I need to articulate how much did each of these reasons contribute.  I also learned something new in how execs read these things.  I have to frame my thoughts very clearly so they can’t interpret it any other way.  I can’t worry if I hurt the feelings of others or stomp on their turf.  Although I have to be careful otherwise I could limit my career growth.  

It’s after 1 AM.  Maybe I can get some sleep in the next hour or two.  I have to be at work in 7 hours. 

I guess my frequent time off from work to look after my dad has got my manager worried.  While he is supportive and doesn’t mind (I just take them as vacation days) I do know that if I take too much, my work will suffer even more.  Right now, I take between 2 to 4 days off a month to drive dad around.  I try to make it up by working longer hours.  But that comes at a price.  At the end of the year, when we are all ranked – I know my productivity won’t be the highest.  Some days this just stresses me out.  There are also days when I figure – if they let me go then so be it.  I’ll live on my savings for awhile.  I’d probably use the free time to look after dad and maybe take some courses on writing. 

The other week, I had to craft an email for my sr mgr who was going to forward it down to his bosses in the US.  He looked at it and said “you like to write don’t you?”  I chuckled and was about to tell him that I do like to write.  But quickly realized he wanted me to edit it a lot more and make it as concise as possible.  I sheepishly nodded and re-edited it. 

Some days it saddens me that the only writing I do are these irregular entries in my blog or the reports I have to churn out for work.  That’s why I have a great deal of respect and admiration for those of you who write regularly. As I mentioned in my previous entry, writing keeps me sane.

For now, it’s back to my padded cell.

Yesterday, I decided to see what Xangans are recommending in the front page of Xanga.  There was a post with the big F word, another one with d* bag, another one with the f word partially spelled out.  Now I’m not some innocent guy thinking of nothing but pure, wholesome thoughts.  I’ve been known to drop the F word and other ungentlemanly words every so often.  If you cut me off in traffic, I’ll let you have it… and in Greek too (it’s the only other language I can swear in). 

What troubles me is how others who may be checking out Xanga and seeing this juvenile writing will think of Xanga.  Is it that hard to express your thoughts and feelings without swearing?  Are we not able to get our ideas and perspective to others without degrading our writing?  When you’re writing, you have the luxury to do some very basic editing.  It’s not just words that are spewing out uncontrolled from your foaming mouth.  I don’t understand why people feel they need to swear to get one’s point across.  I also don’t understand why people feel compelled to recommend these entries.  Maybe one day I’ll drop in and read them.  But for now, I think there are other more interesting things to read.

I am not looking for Pulitzer Prize or Nobel Prize winners.  Here are just a few of the bloggers that I follow.  They are good reads  Rob writes interesting, concise and though provoking observations.  Chris’s writing is always crisp and clear – just take a look at his last entry.  Zakiah’s observations about her roots, her family (especially her grandchildren) and the treasures in her life are always good to read.  Alex’s entries are always entertaining and fun to read.  Daniel is a blogger who writes with sensitivity and maturity.  David is another blogger that I follow who writes openly about the issues in his life.  They are all good reads.  Now my taste and interest aren’t necessarily the same as yours.  But these folks have a way of communicating with their readers very well.

Maybe I’m just getting to be a grumpy old man.   Growl…

I haven’t been writing a lot recently and when I do, it seems to revolve around these subjects:

1.  My dad and his health

2.  My inability to get a good night’s sleep

3.  Work / life balance or how 24 hours in a day is just not enough

4.  “What I did today” stuff and venting

5.  Misc food entries (you folks don’t get to see my errors or taste them – lucky you)

While that’s alright there’s not a lot of variety here.  What I want to spend more time writing about is

1.  Writing:  I want to develop and grow into a better writer.  This is probably one of the few things I really enjoy doing.  Even with the shrinking number of bloggers, it’s great that there are still some good writers here.  I started this writing blogring with Colin and unfortunately I’ve sort of stagnated.  Colin – to his credit has written some interesting stuff. 

2.  Photography:  Some of you folks just have a wonderful eye and skill to capture light and images.  I sometimes wish I had a better camera or a better lens but I know that’s really not the answer.  I’m sort of like a point and shoot photographer.  When I review my pictures afterwards, I just go “aw … shoot.” 

3.  Health (physical and mental):  it’s been sometime since I’ve worked out regularly.  I was watching a movie about aliens recently (Skyline – sorry, I can’t find anything good to say about this movie).  I think if I was abducted by some alien, they would look at me as “well marbled”. 

Alien #1: This human is a keeper, he is like their wagyu beef.

Alien #2:  Yes, we’ll have to feed him lots of beer and give him plenty of massages.

Alien #1:  He is a remarkable specimen.  Maybe we should keep him as a breeder.

Matt:  Excuse me aliens, but I don’t breed with the female species – they just don’t interest me.  Are you planning to abduct any hot guys?

Alien #1:  He’s not that useful as a breeder.  Maybe we can just keep him around to amuse us.  He has a really odd sense of humour. 

Well, maybe entries about getting fit aren’t that interesting.  But I do need to find a better balance in my life. 

4.  More interesting observations about everyday challenges in life and lessons that I’ve failed to learn or am still learning.

We’ll see how this progresses.

It’s been slow and tedious writing the short stories for my other blog (RawStories).   Colin and I had originally planned to write a short story a month.  I guess I should have done a bit more planning. 

1.  Begin with the end in mind. 
When I started, I just did a quick part 1 and hope the story will write itself.  It didn’t and despite countless hours of smoking and drinking, nothing came to mind.  Ok, I don’t smoke or drink.  Maybe that’s the problem.  I think I’ll have at least an outline written down first before I start a short story.

2.  Writing one part at a time.
Now that I’ve written part 3, I want to go back and re-edit a few things.  Once I posted it, it was too late to go back and change things. 

3.  Finding time to write.
I can’t write in 5 or 10 minutes chunk at a time.  12 x 5 minutes chunks does not equal 1 hour of writing time.  It’s not easy to set aside an hour or so to write each day.  I try to get couple of paragraphs done each day. 

4.  I should have paid attention in English class.
Oh my English teachers would be laughing if they saw this.  Now I keep asking myself, how do I make the plot interesting?  How about the characters?  What’s the theme, plot, subplots, pace, flow… ugh. 

Anyways, I’m procrastinating… back to a bit more writing. 

So half a month has gone by since Colin and I started our writing project.   He’s written quite a bit already.  I can’t believe how prolific he is.   I’ve written a few paragraphs over the past week.  It’s enough for one entry so I decided to post something on my new writing blog.  It’s called RawStories.   I’ll be using that for my stories. 

The story I started is based on that blurb I quickly wrote a few entries ago.  I decided to simply expand on that and see how the story will evolve.   I’ve long known that writing a story isn’t easy.   But that’s what the project we started is all about.  It forces us to devote time to write.  A sentence at a time, a paragraph at a time.  

This story has a gay character.  So if you’re not comfortable with it, don’t read it.  Otherwise have fun… feedback is always welcomed.

Are you interested in participating in a community of Xangans who share a love for writing fiction?  Have you ever wanted to write a story but felt unsure on where to begin?  Do you want to practice and improve your writing?  Do you feel you shouldn’t be writing because you’re not a professional?  We (Colin (Secade) and Matt (ElusiveWords)) feel that anyone can write and true writing is not done in isolation. 

We want to create an environment where Xangans can work together to encourage each other’s regardless of types, styles and levels.  As a member of this community, we want you to share your feedback, encouragement, tips and of course accountability. 

We’ll start a new blog ring and would also encourage those who participate to have a separate blog, although this is not mandatory.  A separate blog will simply help to focus on your writing and allow your stories to be followed in an easy-to-read manner.  The goal is to create a short story in one month.

To participate, simply join the Blog Ring To Story-tell: A Community with either your current Xanga, or a Xanga dedicated specifically to this writing project.  At the beginning of each month, start a new short story and finish it by the end of the month.   There are no limits, no prerequisites, no requirements; just write in as long or as short pieces as you want.  You can submit anytime you want from raw, unedited drafts, a couple of paragraphs at a time or maybe a couple of sentences at a time.  The trick to writing is of course finding the discipline and the time to write regularly. 

For those of you who just want to read – feel free to join and toss in words of encouragement.  Perhaps some of you are budding book critics as well.  But beware, we can get a bit cranky.

Check out the writing blog InjectedWords for a sample of the sort of project that we are envision.

Lets get writing

P.S.  Some of you will have read this on Colin’s blog.  We’re cross posting this announcement on our site.  If you check his writing blog, you’ll see he’s already warmed up.    We’re doing this for fun and to take our love of writing to another level. 

Thank you.

This was a 4 day week that felt like a 6 day week.  I spent every night working on a variety of stuff, not to catch up but so I don’t fall too far behind.  By the end of the week, I was just exhausted.  I spent most of yesterday in a mental fog that seemed to drift in an out accompanied by a headache.  But my bf prepared a nice soup with soba noodles and made dinner as well.  It helped beat back the zombie state I was in.

The only respite this week was accidentally coming across a show about writers.  It was on Bravo TV and I think the show I caught was part of a series called “Writer’s Confessions”.  The hockey game was on at the same time and I had my work to finish up.  What fragments I caught was very interesting.  A few of you have complimented me on my writing (which I appreciate).  I saw a course for $600!  I almost fainted and besides enrollment had already stopped.  Is my writing really that good?  Is this just a fantasy of mine? 

My interest in writing was only sparked by blogging and ironically work.  I write a lot more at work in these past few years than I had before.  I’ve purchased several books about writing to learn more about this craft.  I just love how words can make people laugh, cry, cringe, smile and how it can heal.  All you need to do is just string them together.  What I heard in that episode was how solitary writing can be.  It was obvious of course but I never thought about it.  You spend hours talking to yourself, listening to your characters, watching how your story unfold and seeing if it captures your thoughts. 

My only literary training was high school English Lit.  Shakespeare drove me nuts.  Thomas Hardy put me to sleep.  Waiting for Godot was weird.  The Canterbury Tales was horrific.  Huckleberry Finn was interesting though. 

I think I want to write a gaysian coming of age story.  Every so often, when I day dream, I can visualize bits and pieces of the story. 

***
Calvin had never invited anyone into his apartment before.  His parents had always been very strict about that.  The house was for family only.  Calvin never understood that but as he grew up, he saw how small his townhouse was to some of the homes his friends owned.  Jason was every thing he wasn’t.  Jason was popular, outgoing and spoke English without an accent.  He joked he was simply a jook sing.  But Jason’s Cantonese wasn’t bad.  They met while assigned to a school project.  Calvin figured he would end up doing the bulk of the work.  That had always been the case before.  Calvin used his smarts to try to win friends by doing most of the work.  Surely they would return the favour.  But that never happened. 

Jason however was different even though he struggled with all the financial and accounting problems.  Calvin shook his head.  How difficult was it to read an annual report?  But after many hours in the library study room, they found a way to work together.   While studying Jason would always lean up against Calvin to look at his laptop.  He struggled to control himself explaining how assets and liabilities but liked the warmth and smell of Jason.  He often caught himself staring at Jason who seemed oblivious to all of this.  Jason had very thick and busy eye brows which Calvin just wanted to touch.  But Calvin understood this was not to be.

And now, they were finishing up another module in Calvin’s home.  Calvin spent every night of the week cleaning up all the clutter his parents had left behind.  He wondered about all the jars, plastic bags, rubber bands and other things in the kitchen.   It looked too … Chinese.  He looked at the blue Danish cookies bins in the dining room.  While he loved those butter cookies, he could never understand why it was popular with a lot of his relatives. 

He stared out the window as the time approached.  He saw Jason pull up in his truck.  He stared in amazement.  He had never seen a Chinese guy drive a pickup truck before. 
***

Ok… that’s the best I can come up with in the spur of the moment…. back to my Sunday chores.

It’s not easy to write. Hmm… it’s not easy to write well. I tell myself this is only a blog. I don’t have to adhere to any standards. I don’t have a style manual to follow. My only tools are a dictionary and a Thesaurus. I also glance at “The Elements of Style” by William Strunk every so often. I do try to proofread my entries before I submit it. But there are days when I’ll just quickly jot my thoughts down and submit it. You, my poor readers, will have wade through a lot of sloppy stuff to find the essence of my thoughts.

It’s just a blog – isn’t it? It’s just an online journal and I’m just writing for myself. Style doesn’t count – it’s the act of writing that counts. My readers will understand that blogs don’t have to adhere to any standards.

But I try to compose my thoughts carefully before I submit it. I believe I have a responsibility to write well. Writing is a craft and it’s not an easy craft to learn. I’ve learned to appreciate this in the past few years. Every so often, I wish there was a real Xanga editor who would review and critique my work. Perhaps my work will be returned with markups and constructive criticisms. Maybe this should be part of the perks if you are a Premium subscriber. I can just imagine the exchanges with my editor.

“There are 62 blogs today about growing up Asian and gay. What makes yours more compelling to read?”
“Matt, are you writing a novel or a blog? Go look up the word concise.”

Perhaps my editor will be like the infamous Chef Gordon Ramsey of Hell’s Kitchen fame.
“What the f*ck is this crap? Who the hell is going to read this?”
“^$%&#*#!% if your blog was a meal, your readers will get food poisoning! Get the hell out of Xanga!”

Ok – maybe not. I don’t think my fragile ego can handle that. I know there’s more to writing than good grammar.
Word by word, sentence by sentence, paragraph by paragraph – I’ll eventually learn this craft.

Sometimes my mind is just blank and there is nothing to write.  But I know something inside is building.  I just need some fiber or roughage for my brain.  Hmm… that analogy isn’t really appropriate.  That would mean the words that come out would be sh*tty. 

When I look around Xanga, I’m pleasantly surprised how some of you can write regularly.  For some reason, it’s just getting tougher and tougher to write.  Sometimes I’ll read an entry and wish I wrote it.  The writing is fluid and easy.  I can visualize and sense what the writer has written.  The paragraphs seem to be fluid. 

Or I’ll see a stunning picture and wish I had taken it. I’ll stare at it and wonder how they capture that shot.  What was the exposure and what options did the photographer have?  Why did the photographer choose that shot?  I’ll also try and figure out why I like it.  How did it capture my attention?  

Oddly enough, it’s easier for me to look at a photo and understand why I like it.  It’s not as easy with words and text.  I don’t know why.  Maybe I’m more of a visual person.  I know I don’t have a background in writing. My knowledge of literature is skimpy at best.  When John Updike passed away, I just knew he was a writer.  I really didn’t understand his stature at all.  When I was in school, I was just so so in English Lit.  Shakespeare, Hardy and Chaucer all drove me crazy.  I did however enjoy A Separate Peace and Waiting For Godot.   In university, I didn’t take any English Lit classes.  At that time, I had absolutely no interest. 

So I feel a bit out of place when I say that I like to write.  It’s as if I just entered a marathon but haven’t really trained for it.  Do any of you feel the same way?