February 4, 2009
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Faded memories
“Your memory is a monster; you forget – it doesn’t. It simply files things away. It keeps things for you, or hides things from you – and summons them to your recall with a will of its own. You think you have a memory; but it has you!” John Irving
Sometimes the things we want to forget are the things we strive to remember later. During the last few weeks of my mom’s life, things were very difficult and stressful. There were some days that I just wanted to forget. While it was hard, I did manage to bury some memories deep in the crevasses of my brain. Lately though, I want to carefully dig up these old memories. I don’t know what is prompting me to do this. Although thankfully it is not an obsession.
Maybe I want to find out if I did everything I could. I know my brother and sister did a yeoman’s job helping. Did I pull my fair share of the weight? So is it guilt that is driving this? I don’t know but I doubt it. It’s just that looking back, there are some blurry memories and gaps.
Perhaps over time, these will slowly come back. Until then, I’ll wait patiently.
Comments (15)
The quote is so honest. I feel that memories come back for a reason and it is always invariable for the best, perhaps there is a lesson we learnt which we need to revise now.
@Dezinerdreams - I believe you’re right.
Memory makes us truly human. Other creatures mark their passing through certain places with something else. Actually, we do not even have to strain our minds back in time. The floodgates are opened by just anything, and there is no preventing the on-rush.
As far as memory goes, I still got my monster to tame here. I will never forget the memory of myself holding the hands of my dying partner and what followed. But we are humans, we can always temporarily substitute a few sweet memories in between, just to numb the painful nasty ones. Right?
Memories are one of those things we all have a love/hate relationship with. So many happy memories but also many burried sad memories. Hope you can figure out whats been nagging you. And I’m sure you were a great son and did all you could!
Hi Matt,
I wish we were close enough to set together and chat.
I have the same thoughts about the passing of my parents.
I’m here, if you care to share……..
be well, *~matthew~*
@Norcani - maybe the key is just patience and waiting for the memories to be triggered.
@curry69curry - *hugs* Gary. I wasn’t like this a couple of years ago. I think time has helped with some of the healing. I agree with you – having some sweet memories is good.
@brooklyn2028 - thanks Sheldon, I think I’ll let nature take its time. Maybe all the answers will be revealed.
sometimes when someone is gone and we miss them, we want to remember all the times we had with them, good and bad. as for feeling guilty, i know what you mean; i sometimes think back to my grandparents and how few times i visited them before they passed away because i was busy and caught up in my own life. at times i sort of felt like the visits were more of a chore than they were something i wanted to do, especially when it was just my grandfather left… looking back on things, i’m sure that he was very lonely, but i didn’t know how to do anything about it then. but there’s not a lot i can do about it now, except to learn from my mistakes and try to focus more on keeping in touch with others now.
but you are such a good person, matt; we read about how much time you spend with your dad, so i am sure that you did as much as you thought you could at the time to help out with your mom. even if it was not a lot, i’m sure that it was appreciated.
well, you should be like me – i write everything down and save everything too!
@bleuzeus - Thanks Matthew – appreciate the offer.
@kunhuo42 - well, back then you were a lot younger and don’t have the same outlook and maturity you do now. Thanks for your kind words.
@ABSOLUTmichael - If my memory gets even worse, I may have to keep another journal on top of this.
Memories come and go as they wish. I find as I get older I are invited to visit memories by things that happen during the day. It really is strange. Ordinary things I have been doing or seeing daily all of a sudden trigger a memory. Some are good and some are sad. But they are the past and I cannot do anything about that. I can only deal with the present.
Sometimes you have to forgive yourselves. When you do bad memories will fade away.
I like the new picture up on top.
I am sure time will heal everything, even the bad memory…sometimes it’s hard to tell if we did our best in certain situation, and even we think we did, we might not think it was not enough.
Don’t beat yourself up about things that you have no control over now. Tell yourself that you were loved and you loved her. Keep writing and make your thoughts become your words on paper. It will be cathartic.
@Fatcat723 - it is interesting how they are triggered. Sometimes the smell and sounds can also trigger them.
@vsan79 - I think I’m at peace. I just want to go back and visit a bit and see what I’ve tried to forget.
@sagicaprio - yeah – I think you’re right especially since I can’t change the past. I have moved on and well into acceptance already. Just curious I guess about stuff that happened…
@ZSA_MD - I’m ok actually but am curious about these gaps in my memories. Maybe over time they will slowly come back. But I am doing ok.